by Pixeleen Mistral on 02/03/07 at 7:25 pm
Get A Life
by Heartun Breaker, syndicated advice columnist.
HEY HEARTUN ~ I was hanging out in Waterhead the other day and someone invited me to join this group called Hot Lesbo Accountants. Well, I’m not a lesbian.. I’m just a dude. Thing is the person who invited me is a dude too!
So I ask him what the hell is going on and stuff, and one thing leads to another, and he starts in with the claim that he is a ‘transgender lesbian’ — a term I had never heard of before.
What the hell is a ‘transgender lesbian?’ ~ STRAIGHT DUDE
DEAR STRAIGHT DUDE ~ You think furries, goreans, scat lovers and privists face derision by others? Try being a male lesbian or transgender lesbian. The first is a guy who looks like a guy but loves girl-on-girl action — the other believes he is a lesbian trapped in a man’s body and wants to be treated as a girl. Either way, both the straight and GayBLT (gay, bi, lesbian, transgender) communities tend to think this guy is a freak. Here’s how a typical transgender lesbian pick-up attempt goes here in Second Life.
- TGLdude: Hi! I’m a transgender lesbian!
TGLdude: I’m a lesbian trapped in a guy’s body in real life, but here in Second Life I get to be who I really am — a lesbian.
Lesbian: So you’re a guy?
TGLdude: Well, not really. I love women and am grossed out by penises. I’m a lesbian all the time inside.
Lesbian: Go get therapy you freak. You’re a dude who likes women. You are straight!
Second Life makes these kinds of things common. I mean, it is widely believed that half of the women working as strippers, ‘escorts’ and in other aspects of the sex trade are really men pretending to be women. What is the difference between a guy pretending to be a woman so he can make some money, or because he gets off on the illicit sex and one who thinks he is really a woman on the inside? It’s all in the eye of the beholder. But most of the rest of the world sees transgender lesbians and male lesbians as straight guys who are into lesbians.
I write it all down to role playing. At least the guy you talked with was honest, if creepy. ~ HEARTUN BREAKER
How Much Cybering Is Too Much?
DEAR HANDY MAN ~ For me, three times a day is the limit. Four is too much. Your mileage may vary.
Now in men, stroking the one-eyed trouser snake too much can result in an over production of sex hormones and neurotransmitters like acetylcholine, dopamine and serotonin.
Too much of those things and your adrenal glands can change your body chemistry. Now, jerkin’ the gerkin is a healthy thing, but too much (while hard to define) can lead to addiction and both psychological and physiological imbalances. Side effects to look for include:
- Feeling tired all the time
- Lower back pain
- Hair loss or thinning
- Pulling the “Semi” (or half-rection)
- Premature ejaculation (by yourself!!)
- Fuzzy vision (not blindness)
- Pain in the balls, taint, nut sack, tail bone or lower tummy
Semen leakage is also a sign that the parasympathetic nerve is weakening from over stimulation. The parasympathetic nerve shuts the ejaculation valve and maintains a strong erection, but it can weaken if you choke your chicken too much.
Experts say men should keep their ejaculation frequency down to two-to-three times per week, but they can have more sexual activity if they learn how to orgasm without ejaculation. Doing so can make your junk work better too.
Some things you can do to improve the quality of your monkey-spanking sessions is to reduce the frequency, eat more soybean products, cut down on the caffeine, snack on more nutty foods like sunflower seeds, drop the red meat and dairy in favor of fruit and veggies.
Drink more water and ditch the soda. And just in case you ever get a real-life girl to honk on your love muscle – eat peaches and cut down on the salt so it tastes better. ~ HEARTUN BREAKER
Spat for Spice Ends Honeymoon
HEY HEARTUN ~ I met this woman in Second life and we were 100 percent compatible. I honestly love her. One night I decided to spice things up by getting naughty and picking a fight with her. It backfired big time! She got really upset. I tried to explain, but she didn’t believe me. When I told her that I love her she really flipped out! (We are both married in real life, to others)
So now she’s muted me and I have no other way of communicating with her. If I can’t get her back I am going to publicly commit Second Life suicide by deleting this account. ~BOBBYBROWN ROMEO
DEAR BOBYBROWN ROMEO ~ Let me get this straight… you intentionally picked a fight with your baby so you could get your rocks off better, didn’t tell her that this was a role play scenario for you, and are surprised that she got hurt and left you?
I don’t know if anything I tell you could possibly make sense to you because if sense were gasoline you wouldn’t have enough gas to ride a pissants motorcycle around the INSIDE of a Cheerio! The phrase “OMG You Are Dumb” was invented for you. Your kind make me sick.
Forget about the SL ‘suicide’ and do the real thing if you can’t get this woman back. And about that? Clean up your own messes. I’m here to help people who don’t intentionally bring shit down on themselves. You asshole. ~ HEARTUN BREAKER
If you have a question for “Get A Life” email HeartunBreaker@gmail.com For thrice-weekly updates visit www.heartunbreaker.com or join the SL group “Get A Life” for notices as soon as something posts. We reserve the right to edit submissions for brevity and clarity. No ‘real’ or ‘game’ names will be published without explicit a priori permission.