Longcat was long in Second Life

Well, virtual worlds have not changed, but so-called Real Life has. In fact Real Life has become a virtual world – not The Spectacle, as foretold by Guy Debord, nor a simulacrum, as Baurdrillard imagined – but a straight-up video game.

All the trolls and memes and griefers and the whatthefuckedupedness of Second Life have spilled out into so-called Real Life and turned the 2016 election season into an endless parade of fort longcats. Pepe has replaced Pool’s Closed, and weev has replaced Grimmy Moonflower, but these changes are cosmetic.

Pepe comes to real life

We could have sat this one out, but that would be irresponsible to our loyal readers and jealous haters. They *could* make some popcorn and pull up a lawn chair and watch as the Bowsers of American politics sling poo at each other, but without the Herald’s thoughtful analysis, the popcorn would not be as tasty, the lawn chair not as comfortable, and the poo slinging would appear less artful.

No, you need the Herald to help you through this, and we aim to deliver. We are here for you. Because we care. And remember: The Ban Hammer (tm) now works in Real Life too, so be careful, because it can come down on you “for any reason or no reason.”  Meanwhile, stay tuned.

Why does everyone hate my video?

Strategic blunder is probably the best description of the last week's decision to publish Jessica Tozer's 30 minute interview with General Keith Alexander on YouTube. What were they thinking?

After the strangely-edited video was placed in the free-fire zone of open public YouTube ratings, the General has been subjected to continuous withering enemy fire from viewers. Apparently  Keith "collect-it-all" Alexander's vision of NSA unconstitutional blanket surveillance is not popular. As of this writing, the video has 247 "likes" and 14,889 dislikes. 

Doesn't Alexander have someone in PR to advise against this sort of doomed propaganda social media outreach? With a 98% downvote rating, the NSA will need more than a oddly-staged video with narco-ambient background music to persuade the public.

Or is this part of an effort to throw Alexander under the bus? Cowboy Keith seems to have some enemies in the security establishment based on a recent less-than-complimentary piece in Foreign Policy. A convenient scapegoat might be useful to distract the public from deeper systemic issues.

Alexander poses with his co-star: a yellow extension cord

Even after putting aside the motivation for the video, I was left with questions. It would be interesting to know why someone couldn't find a better chair for the General Alexander to perch on for this video. I understand Alexander enjoys the Star Trek motif at Fort Belvoir's "Information Dominance Center", but his chair in this video is less than impressive.

I'd also like to know why yellow extension cord on the floor is effectively a co-star in the video. The yellow power cord appears frequently as the camera pans back and the editors try to vary the scene without ever showing Ms. Tozer speaking.

YouTube voting irregularities?

Despite an overwhelmingly negative reaction from YouTube viewers, a certain amount of paranoia has been evident in the comments, along with some odd fluctuations in the voting. If you have nothing to hide you have nothing to fear - unless you are critical of the current regime.

time to rally the Booz Allen contractors for more upvotes?

While it was recently announced that Gen. Alexander is planning to retire from the NSA next year, and despite the undeniable allure of the private security contractor revolving door, we can hope that the General can find time to join forces with Rebecca Black to sing a "Friday" duet.

Just think of the YouTube ratings they could achieve.

Yes, summer is winding down, but it isn't too late to cram in some late late summer reading.  And who better to suggest good solid reading, but the FBI.  Dell Cameron, writing in the Daily Dot, has the goods.  He gives us the 20 online publications concerning Barrett Brown that the prosecution considers "must read."  Or is that "don't read".  Hmm these lists are so confusing...

Here is how Mr. Cameron lays it down.

I attended the gag order hearing on September 4 and listened as the U.S. government spoke candidly about the journalists who've covered Barrett's case. Twenty articles were admitted into evidence from various writers and websites. Much to my surprise, the U.S. government has great taste in journalism. I've collected the online articles it selected as evidence against Barrett Brown for your reading pleasure.

You want to know who made the list, don't you?  Well to see it you just gotta click through! [link]

Spoiler though, some of the names will be familiar to Herald readers!

I decided to join the Waze traffic map game on my new iPhone last week, after reading far too many stories moaning about how Apple should never have dropped Google Maps from the new version of iOS.  The general tone of the Apple Map coverage has been along the lines of ZOMG!!! My iPhone is ruined 4evah! the Apple Maps are wrong in some places! How will life be worth living without Google?!?

This coverage overlooks certain troubling aspects of Google, the wardriving WIFI snooping Internet ad agency that keeps telling itself don't be evil - then quietly overrides web browser privacy protections. I've been limiting my contact with all things Google after that unfortunate Google+ suspension that locked up my e-mail and data until Google eventually decided I was real after all.

GPS-enabled roleplay leads to live traffic and police sighting reports

So I'm fine with leaving Google Maps behind - especially now that I'm experiencing a whole new form of role play. I have spent most of the week playing the part of an autonomous techno-communist node in a network of mobile GPS sensors roaming real life's highways.

It's great! Not only do I get to play an open ended augmented reality MMORPG and contribute to the improvement of the human condition, I'm being rewarded with points and a rising ranking among the other players. In return for being tracked by my phone as I drive, I can level up and marvel at how my commute has been gameified.

Best of all, I am almost past the Waze noobie avatar look - a baby with a pacifier.

a selection of waze avatars - after your drive 100 miles

I've got my eye on some much more fashionable outfits, and hope someday I will be able to earn even better virtual clothes as I drive to work and report accidents and traffic backups - the fundamental form of gameplay in Waze. Why grind in WoW when you have to drive work anyway? If you are daring, you can text chat with other players, although I'm not sure how that could work if you are also supposed to be driving your car.

While the realtime traffic condition reports are quite good, I do think Waze could use a few of Second Life's fashion designers to help with the avatars. Aren't all avatars supposed to wear impossible spike heels and skankolicious outfits?

noobies with pacifiers and fashionistas on the mean streets of Durham, NC

Setting aside the virtual fashion scene and game play, Waze has an interesting business model that is something like a traffic oriented version of Wikipedia -- crowd sourcing both map updates and traffic reports. In contrast, Google throws money at the mapping problem by running dedicated Google cars wherever it can, but there are practical limits to how many cars Google can put on the roads. Waze should be able to compete with Google for at least map and traffic information at lower cost by crowd sourcing reports from people who were driving anyway.

I expect to be joined by quite a few more players, after Apple's Tim Cook mentioned mentioned last Friday that Waze is an alternative to Apple's iOS Map while the Foxconn smartphone and tablet reseller redraws their maps.

Now if we just had a real money trade for Waze points, I might be able to get that crown the cool players have a little sooner.

"Turn off your TVs for a start"

Featuring a healthy dose of pepper spray - which sources on the UC Davis campus recently learned is basically a food product - the latest Rap News release from TheJuiceNews continues Robert Foster's grand tradition of "turning bollocks-news into socio-poetic/comedic analyses which everyone can relate to and understand".

TheJuiceNews regulars Terrence Moonseed and General Baxter are interviewed early in the coverage followed by an unforgettable Anonymous human megaphone mic check. But the highlight of the coverage is likely to provide a near religious experience for linguistic students as we learn that Noam Chomsky is capable of a doing a very good Chomsky impression. Who could have guessed?

My enormus fan klub at the Herald will know that I gits me a heap o’ mail thru them-there Internet-tubes.

I done writ about this befo’ but I reckon it are too good to omit when it happens again. In fact, I done got this-hear same letter a year ago from a different dyin’ gal.

I gits me one o’ these-here “please-help-me-cause-I-are-falling-to-pieces-from-cancer-and-my-husband/son/dawg/boyfriend/chikkin-left-me-a-bazillion-bucks-in-Kenya-but-I cain’t-git-it-so-give-me-your-bank-account-please” letters.

Whew. I been a-tryin’ to help these po’ sufferin’ folks for years but they ain’t bit, yet.

Here am the latest attempt to help.

Dear Miz David,



You done writ to me about the horrible-terrible situation what done befell yo’ famberly.



Now I are just a poor, lonesum, woebegone feller who done landed in The Big House (what am called "prison" in the United States) but I done beat that-there rap and am a free man.



I gots me a bank account so’s I reckon I kin help you out sum.



You done said:



our only son died in a ghastly motor accident last year 2010.
I have been battling with both lung cancer and stroke.



Oh my gawd that am awful-terrible. I done lost folks thataway, as well as in explodin’ stills, manglin’ by junkyard dawgs, shootin’ dead by my sister Jezz, alien protology experiments, and Bigfoot-rape.



My late husband deposited the sum of (2.800.000.00 Dollas) Two Million Eight Hundred Thousand Dollas with a Bank here in Cote d’Ivoire and my name as beneficiary of the funds. 



Do tell.



After his death I decided not to remarry or get a child outside my matrimonial home.



That am rite smart. I don’t believe in marryin’ at all, if’n I kin help it, or gettin’ no chirren inside o’ no home. The woods am better or behind the smoke-house for knockin’ up sum gal.



According to the doctor, my medical report shows a have very short life sperm due to my health status presently. 



Ain’t you a gal? Why in Gawd’s name am you a-talkin’ about sperm? Maybe the cancer done mutated you into sum’fin shemale, but that am beside the point. We needs to talk about that-there 2.8 million.



Maybe I may still have another 1-3 months to live, that I do not know but God can say. That is just my faith as a deteriorating cancer patient. 



That are a-startin’ to sound like a country song and I are all ears.



Knowing my health condition I decided to donate the above mentioned funds to an individual Muslim/Christian or any faith



Hoo whee. I are part o’ the First Church o’ the Bleedin’ Heart of Snake-Handlin’ Jesus H. Christ on a Crutch, so I reckons that will do. If’n you wants me to turn Muslim, howsoever, I will do it. Where do I sign up?



The Bible/Qur’an made us to understand that blessed is the hand that giveth.



That am rite original. My Pappy, Pappy-Pappy Enoch, done telled me "boy, that-there hand what taketh are mo’ blessed still."  I done lived by that-there wisdom ever since.



I took this decision because our only son who is suppose to inherit this money and properties is also late



Well, he’ll show up then and don’t worry yo’ poor cancer-eaten heart none. Heck, I are always late.



Ma’am, I plans to watch over that there 2.8 million tighter’n a tick on a cow’s belly till that son o’ yours gits home.



You just git me your bank account number with them 2.8 million in there and I will do the rest. If’n you needs some killin’ done, or just kneecap breakin’ done, my sister Jezz am first-rate muscle for them jobs.



We will be to Coat Divorce or wherever the hell you lives in no time flat, if’n we kin git there by pickup truck.



Yours in God,

Pappy Enoch, Recently Reformed Sinner

A new Twitter-based Second Life metagame raises interesting questions about online identity, social media, and just how unprepared Linden Lab leadership was for the curiously-timed December 23rd announcement of Rod Humble as new CEO.

Given the level of investment of time and money by committed players – and tensions between Second Life customers and game gods – it was not surprising that some players attempted to research the new CEO’s background. Unfortunately, after some study it became clear that Mr. Humble does not have a Twitter account, and is not taking interviews at this time.

How will the new CEO engage in a dialog with the customers?

If Rod Humble won’t Tweet, Second Life players will do it for him

The nature of the Internet is to abhor an information vacuum, so an enterprising fur named Bunjie_ stepped in and created RodLinden and RodHumble Twitter accounts in hopes that some roleplay tweets might entice the silent CEO to engage – a sort of online identity cargo cult that hopes to vote Humble onto the island of player dialog.

This sort of confused online identity roleplay is possible when the only limit to account names are self-restraint and imagination, as is the case on Twitter, Facebook, Google’s Gmail, and a host of other online services committed to growth at any cost. Does this point to a business opportunity for those that would secure online identities for corporate chiefs – or a lack of planning by the Lab?

Bunjie_ controls Rod Linden and Rod Humble’s Twitter feeds – for now

While Bunjie_ has promised to freely hand the accounts over to Mr. Humble should the CEO decide to engage the residents via Twitter, delightful irony has already ensued with Soft Linden blocking the RodLinden Twitter account. We can only guess at the level of paranoia inside the Lab – will other Lab staff follow Soft Linden’s lead – or set up alt Twitter accounts for the guilty pleasure of reading residents comments?

More importantly, will Humble play along with the metagamers? On one hand this might buy him some goodwill, but comes at the risk of encouraging vigorous debate outside of Second Life’s controlled corporate forums where the threat of player bans can help keep the dialog under control. But the risk of real discourse might worthwhile if there is any interest in engaging and retaining an increasingly cynical customer base.

The Lab’s press release announcing the January debut of Humble as CEO/game god suggests Humble is interested in social and economic change brought on by online mediated human contact, and quotes the incoming CEO as saying:

"I have a long standing interest in the how the boundaries of society and economics change as communications evolve in new ways. Second Life is unique: it sits at the intersection of virtual worlds, avatars, and human contact. The Residents and developers of Second Life have built something very special, I am honored to join the talented team at Linden Lab to help expand this new frontier"

But some Second Life players wondered if the pre Christmas timing of Humble’s CEO announcement was a rush job intended to draw attention away from other developments – notably revelations that Joe Miller (Joe Linden) had departed the Lab. The idea that the announcement came a bit sooner than the Lab had planned seems possible based on the lack of communications about the Lab’s direction from Humble – and the fact that obvious Twitter accounts were left available to the first taker.

Those with deep investments in the Second Life platform worry about how well the new CEO will engage with the existing customers – what is his vision? how will his avatar look? what is to be the fate of Philip Linden’s infamous LoveMachine? can Second Life succeed by marketing Gorean and LatexGirl roleplay to the Facebook crowd, or is a virtual farming and pet-raising experience a better play? and most important, when will Rod Humble give his real tweet?

[UPDATE: TheJuiceMedia have pointed out that they depend on donations to fund their productions and do not sell advertisements, so some clarification is in order. I am not suggesting that TheJuiceMedia have adopted Google's ad-supported free services business model. Instead, they are  subverting the model by taking advantage of the YouTube viral video distribution platform for more than apolitical cute cat videos. The success of TheJuiceMedia video is that it both entertains and turns YouTube into a distribution channel for cutting satire. - Pixeleen Mistral]

Cablegate/wikileaks partisans are taking advantage of the Google business model – sell advertisements to viewers attracted to user-generated content – while hoping to advance their cause with a series of surprisingly well produced YouTube videos from The Juice Media Rap News with Robert Foster.

Hillary Clinton and barcode American flag

But viral marketing-based media is unforgiving environment – entertain or die – a lesson that some would do well to heed.

Perhaps the most successful example of viral political video is Wikileaks’ Cablegate: the truth is out there which skewers both politicians and the 4th estate, while suggesting the national interest has been sold to the highest bidder.

Hillary Clinton press conference satire with corporate logos

But YouTube is not without risk. Political commentary must find a way to outdraw the competition: cute cats playing patty-cake. Still, having garnered with 300,000 views in 4 days, there is some hope that Rap News Investigative Reporters might trump cute kitties. Maybe.

Kiss bassist Gene Simmons announced he is fighting back against the “popcorn farts” – that would be Anonymous – for having launched Operation Payback. Anonymous, with its latest operation, has  declared war against the media giants. But the content czars are not going to surrender. In a panel on building successful brands at MIP2010 Gene "the tongue" Simmons endorsed an aggressive stance against copyright infringement: “Make sure your brand is protected…Make sure there are no incursions. Be litigious. Sue everybody. Take their homes, their cars. Don’t let anybody cross that line.” Surprisingly (shocker, I know), Gene Simmons’ Web sites (GeneSimmons.com and SimmonsRecords.com), toppled under a DDoS attack the very next day.

You gotta admit: It’s a heck of an enterprise to take on the media – but Anonymous did.

Last month saw Web sites falling one after another as the hactivist aesthetic was played out. The justification was simple: entertainment companies are cracking the lawsuit whip *not* to protect their intellectual property (which actually belongs to the artist), but rather, to exploit people with forced  out-of-court settlements. It appears that the media concerns don’t intend to share the money from this exploitation with the artists either – entertainment industries are not interested in stopping piracy, but exploiting it. Curiously, the porn industry is leading the anti-piracy efforts and quickly got on the waitlist of designated targets.

A recap of the issues can be found here and here. Meanwhile, some people praised Anonymous for their hacktivist efforts, while others condemned it, claiming that "stealing" other people’s property is unacceptable. But is making a copy theft – or something else – and has the legal system caught up with the implications of teh interwebs – and Anonymous?

At this point, knee deep in the Internet, bytes coming out of our ears, and armed with gadgets, we need to acknowledge the impossibility of protecting property online and understand that while content can be (and will be) stolen, creativity cannot. But that’s not the concern of the entertainment companies, it is the bottom dollar that counts.

The obsession with copyright is the residue of the semi-expiring print era that has been dominating society for the past several centuries. Let’s remember that the concept of “copyright” and “author” emerged with the invention of the movable type which later became the printing press. It would be a safe bet that the novel was the genre that legitimized the “author.” Maurice Couturier (1991) explains that in the 18^th century, readers were too close to the oral era where the storyteller was often both the author and the narrator of the story. So why would the novelist to sign his work when it was supposed to be written by a character?

As print culture matured with the sense of ownership that copyright legitimizes, the practice of anonymous publication eventually faded away and the “author” was born. When the good folks in the 15th-16th century were writing manuscripts, intellectual property was the last thing on their minds. But I digress… The moral of the story is that, change is happening, whether we like it or not. And the “popcorn farts” have raised the flag… The question now is, how will the entertainment industries respond without alienating their audience? To put things in perspective, let me mention that authors have been meddling with these issues in their own way by experimenting with giving away content, much to the dismay of their publishers.

William Mitchell, published his book City of Bits with MIT Press in 1995, and since the subject-matter of the book primarily dealt with the digital revolution, he decided to provide a free online access to the full text. He was confronted with skepticism by MIT Press who told him that this decision would weaken the sales of the printed book. City of Bits’ Web site had a link to the online order form that provided the reader with the option of choosing either version.

Surprisingly, although the Web site offered a free version of the full text, the online version stimulated the bookstore and the mail-order sales rather than weakening them. Mitchell explains this curious outcome by suggesting that the hardback and online versions added value to the text in different and complementary fashions, so the readers of the Web version were not necessarily potential customers for the hardback.

In 2001, Douglas Rushkoff made a similar attempt with his novel, Exit Strategy, published previously in England under the name Bull, in which the characters are caught up in the dot.com bubble – which bust in 2001. Experimenting with the idea of an open-source novel (which, I argue, had failed to meet the criteria of “open-source,” although, admittedly, the project was an intriguing experiment in and of itself), Rushkoff posted the novel online and asked his readers to annotate the manuscript assuming the role of an anthropologist under the premise that the entire text was written in present day, but then hidden online, only to be discovered 200 years from now.

Traditional publishers – according to Rushkoff -  could not understand his willingness to devalue his “copyright” by posting it online—for free.

Other voices of skepticism viewed Rushkoff’s project as an “online scam” and even the journalists who came to interview him could not see it as anything but a covert business plan, suspecting that there must be a catch. Ultimately, no traditional US publisher dared to make an offer on a book that was slated to be released online, for free, before it was released in print. Yahoo Internet Life agreed to host the project while a small publisher, Soft Skull, agreed to publish the resulting novel. Rushkoff donated all of the profits from the sale of the book to the Electronic Frontier Foundation and Free Software Foundation. True, this is not PIRACY. But Some authors are giving away their content for free, which demonstrates that when users obtain something for free, there are still other things to buy, a point that Chris Anderson argues quite effectively in Free! Why $0.00 Is the Future of Business.

To make this point crystal clear, Steve Lieber, discovered that the good folks at 4chan had scanned and uploaded every single page of his comic book Underground – from a Twitter message. But instead of screaming piracy, Lieber paid a brief visit to the 4chan forums to engage the fans who liked his work so much that they put in the effort to share it with the world. Rumors has it that Lieber cracked jokes while he was there and lived to blog about it. According to Lieber, there was a massive spike in the sales after 4chan got a hold of his content:

Note the difference between a glowing review from BoingBoing – one of the more “traditional” new media websites – and the “humungous” influence of the new new media outlet that is 4Chan. Is this a barometer for how content will be marked in the future? Some say it could be.

Om Malik’s recent blog post briefly examines why mainstream media outlets are failing – repeatedly – and makes a convincing case that there is no new media– it’s all about new consumption.

Here’s my favorite excerpt from the post: “Generation D, where D is for disruption, is adapted to route around the old models: old models controlled by old men.” Malik’s argument is that media industries are failing to see the big picture and understand what he characterizes to be the “new Internet people” which, I am assuming, probably includes the popcorn farts, IRC dwellers, 4chan, torrenters, YouTubers, and… well… participatory culture in general.

By Journey Yellowlist, Herald Religion Pew Desk 

Even as His Holiness Pope Benedict launched a frontal assault against media in general and virtual worlds in particular, the Church has rolled out its own competitor to soon to collapse once-heralded Second Life. 

Ex Cathedra^tm will soon launch using a dedicated client bearing the imprimatur  of Rome, with immersive simulations that include an interactive pilgrimage to medieval Canterbury, a dramatic game recreating Apostolic succession, real-time exegesis of ancient religious texts-on-a-prim, a vampire-hunt with “The Holy Inquisition 2.0” team of superheroes, and a humorous casual game for young men about the perils of altar-boy duties, “Who Dropped the Body of Christ?” 

Catholic gamers are delighted that the Vatican will finally enter the 21^st century. 

“Dude, The Church has totally been like this really boring wine-and-cracker party that went on for like 2000 years,” said StXavrRulz, a respondent at the Holy Father’s blog, Nihil Obstat. “But being able 2 stake fag vampires and burn heretics at the stake completely rocks. ROCK ON Benny ROCK ON.” 

Conclave of Developers To Do God’s Work 

The Vatican has been quick to avoid the sorts of mistakes common at Linden Lab. 

“From the start we intend to avoid doctrinal errors that, sadly, have led so many souls astray,” said His Eminence  Bonaventure Ignatius Loyola Jeanbaptiste, Cardinal of the server-farm inside the Vatican. “We have constant supervision now of all coding and hardware acquisition, and we hold our team to the highest possible standards.” 

The Cardinal is said to be a leading candidate to become the next Holy Father. He has been instrumental in several technology initiatives for the Vatican, notably increased security measures to protect The Church’s priceless treasures and key prelates.  The Cardinal oversaw the purchase of several hundred Leopard III tanks and Eurofighter aircraft, a move that caused protests outside St. Peters by mobs of antiwar protestors. To quell the riots and “restore peace,” the Cardinal dispersed the crowd using the Pope’s personal bodyguard of fifty 800-series Swissguard2000 ^tm defensebots. Cardinal Jeanbaptiste personally designed these robots. 

While His Eminence’s tactics may seem reactionary, his technical skills are impeccable. In leading development of the Ex Cathedra team, the Cardinal has made several noteworthy changes from the competition. All avatars will have their owners’ real names, “in order to avoid occasion for sin in this sacred space,” The Cardinal added.  “Though in a moment of vanity, I made my own avatar to look a bit like His Eminence Jean du Plessis de Richelieu.” 

“In fact, mine is the first virtual cardinalitial diocese.” He eyed the rows of hardware with pride. “There are thousands of souls in these boxes already. With my brothers in the faith we will maintain excellent stability and reliable service on our grid.” 

Coders and customer-support clergy who prove poor at their jobs will be transferred by the College of Cardinals to remote parishes. 

“Or we’ll sell them to the godless Turk to be his galley slaves,” Cardinal Jeanbaptiste said, with a wink. “Just kidding.” 

All third-party viewers have been branded, in advance, as malefactus for Catholic gamers, known in Ex Cathedra as “brothers and sisters.”  Those found using TPVs will be subject to excommunication. All non-Catholics are blocked from the virtual world, though potential converts may use a secondary grid, Purgatorio, until certified as ready for conversion. 

“We want to give those bound for perdition a taste of what awaits them unless they convert. Though they will not feel the torments of hell itself, their avatars will not be glamorous, their activities banal, and the setting and company will test even the strongest of errant wills.” 

a view inside the Purgatorio grid

User-generated content will be permitted in Ex Cathedra, but most will be subject to review by a panel of Bishops and theologians.  Some unrestricted content will be allowed: cakes for church bake-sales, tracts against birth control and masturbation, baptismal fonts for parish churches, yard-sticks for nuns in Parochial School region, and implements of torture for the adults-only Torquemada sims. 

Unholy Fail: Heretics Stumble in Attempt to Match Rome 

Even before Benedict sat in the chair of St. Peter, plans were afoot for Catholic dominance of the gaming industry. John Paul II was particularly fond of St. Mario^tm, an early PC game that he had planned to offer as an MMO teaching youth virtue and manual dexterity. 

Had the pontiff lived longer, this project may have come out of beta into full release. Instead, after his death, the short-lived and unpopular Torments of the Martyrs^tm was released and quickly sank. Reviewers noted that the choice of soundtrack-hymns alienated many young gamers and modern Catholic parents were offended by images of disembowelment, flaying, boiling in oil, cutting off of noses and ears, all accompanied by violent lyrics that boomed from their children’s speakers: 

O sacred head, surrounded 
by crown of piercing thorn! 
O bleeding head, so wounded, 
reviled and put to scorn! 

infallible beta-tester prefers Ex Cathedra^tm 

Progress has continued unabated since that early gaff, and today the Holy See appears to be far ahead of The Archbishop of Canterbury, whose Anglican Life^tm virtual world was derived from an early version of Ex Cathedra released during a ecumenical thaw. 

The stability of Anglican Life has been derided by some tech writers; pro-Catholic griefers recently attacked several regions, leaving the tags “Rome pwns CoE!” and “Henry8 burnz in Hell!” on the side of virtual Westminster Abbey, while a Sunday service at the virtual York Minster was interrupted by a particle attack featuring thousands of images of Queen Elizabeth I kneeling, in Gorean slavegirl attire, before Philip II of Spain. 

“We deny these childish acts,” Cardinal Jeanbaptiste insisted. “If, however, some overly-zealous member of the One True Faith^tm were culpable, desecration of once-Catholic, now heretical, virtual buildings would only merit a few years in Purgatory. Yet I think it more likely that the LutherSim codeset favored by Protestant virtual-world builders permitted the defacement of the English heretics’ places of worship. With such variation, all sorts of error creeps into the purity of what began as the One True Code^tm.” 

Whatever the faults of Anglican Life, it’s undeniable that other branches of the LutherSimulator client-and-server software are not only less stable than the Vatican’s platform but also grid owners running this software show no sign of reaching common standards.  

A recent conclave of LutherSim developers broke down into ever-smaller factions, each with its “divinely approved” version of the source code.  All of them united, however, to denounce the Roman Catholic software. 

“That’s Open-Source theology for you,” Cardinal Jeanbaptise lamented, rolling his eyes heavenward. 

Dark Powers Exploit Early Flaw in Code 

His Eminence was less sanguine about a flaw that emerged during the closed-beta tests of the new world.  Upon login for nearly a week, clergy found their Ex Cathedra avatars wearing altar-boy uniforms while trapped in the locked vestry of a church and unable to log off. The avatars were carnally violated by “Father Agrippa,” a malevolent figure whose face resembled an amalgam of many priests accused in recent sex scandals. 

“This was the work of the Evil One and his minions,” Cardinal Jeanbaptiste noted, dryly. “We found a security hole in the login protocols, left by one of our brothers who had not yet taken his vows. He has been disciplined, though the fault lies with his listening to GWAR during an all-night coding session and we blame them for this possession by Satan.”  

After the incident all servers were sprinkled with holy water, and one unrepentant CPU was buried with a titanium stake through its hard drive. Coding then resumed. 

Corporate Sponsorship  

Interest in Ex Cathedra has been intense, with some companies already announcing plans. Among these efforts will be a Red Papal Bull^tm in-world quest to see which sinners can be rounded up and brought before the Inquisition.

Microsoft’s Stained-Glass Windows^tm marketplace will also open to provide virtual goods and services to brothers and sisters in Ex Cathedra.  

Not to be outdone by the private sector, the Jesuits and Benedictines have formed in-world orders with intensive requirements for full group membership. For a weekly contribution, members of the public may join the orders as laity. 

In other corporate news, The Church has denied that HP agreed to change its brand-name to “Heavenly Powers” or “Holy Pontiff,” in exchange to exclusive contracts for the entire Vatican server-farm and upgrades to the 800-series defensebots. 

“That claim is false,” Cardinal Jeanbaptise confirmed. “The 1000-series Swiss Guards are being tested and produced with the assistance of several German firms. We’ll introduce them soon to the lapsed faithful in Europe before a full global deployment on The Holy Father’s next tour.” 

The Vatican also reaffirmed that no Linux clients of any sort will be released for Ex Cathedra. As Cardinal Jeanbaptise put it “we do not accept this Unitarian-Universalist OS as legitimate for the salvation of souls.  Steve Jobs and Steve Balmer, however, would have made excellent medieval cardinals, so we have embraced both Windows and the Mac OS. God’s will be done. See you in-world.”