The Alphaville Herald

Prince Charming Wants Asshole-free Way to Ditch ‘Emotional Baggage’

by Pixeleen Mistral on 01/12/06 at 7:12 pm

by Heartun Breaker, syndicated advice columnist.

HEY HEARTUN: I became involved in an in-world relationship, we partnered, and as the weeks passed she became more and more “controlling.” She questioned my time spent with other friends — especially female ones — demanded all of my time, was overly negative with things she didn’t like about my avatar, like my height and Animation Overrider choice. She is just being “clingy” in general. Then she started to question my real life relationships with women. That really turned me off!

I tried to tell her several times that things weren’t working out without hurting her feelings but she just wasn’t “getting it”. When my first life became hectic I told her I didn’t have time for SL, that I couldn’t guarantee being on in the near future, and that she shouldn’t wait for me. I welcomed the opportunity to escape her. I even considered creating an alt. She kept messaging me over and over for months, even when I stopped responding. We un-partnered. Since then real life situations have subsided a bit to the point where I have more time to spend in SL. She messaged me recently saying that she wants to talk about “us”. I don’t want to come back and have her think we’re “together”. How can I break it off without being an asshole? ~ RUNAWAY BOYFRIEND

DEAR RUNAWAY: Women (and a few men) like this write me all the time. (See ‘Get A Life’ Nov. 4, 2006 “Madly In Love”) In essence, what they tell me is that they came to Second Life, found a perfect lover, had a wonderful time with much love and hot cyber sex until their “perfect” partner started pulling away. That’s when they freak out. In your words, they get ‘clingy.’

You just happened to find a very needy woman who was unrealistic from the start in her expectations about this relationship. She likely does that in all her relationships, and groups all men into four categories: father figures, brother figures, evil bastards and Prince Charming. She clearly has you tagged as Prince Charming, but will likely switch you to evil bastard when you stomp out the last flicker of her misguided love. You will Mute her then, but she’ll continue to stalk you and your friends and make life uncomfortable for a while. Then she’ll go into a ‘love hibernation’ of cynicism — saying stuff like ‘all men are pigs’ — and diving into activities that she found fun before you came along. She’ll be happy again one day, if wary.

Prince Charming. Courtesy, Disney

Then she’ll meet another guy like you. You see the weakness and need in her, and see her as a challenge to conquer. You want to prove that all men are not pigs, and that you — in short — are Prince Charming. You win her over, have a wonderful time with much love and hot cyber sex, until the thrill of victory fades and something akin to ‘buyers remorse’ sets in. You push her away. Then you watch, and feel superior, as she self destructs in a very ‘clingy’ and predictable pattern.

You asked me how to break it off without being an asshole. You can’t. You need to break it off for the good of both of you, but you started this relationship preying on weakness. You are an asshole. The good news is you can change that part of you in your next relationship. You are not a father figure, brother figure or evil bastard — but you are no Prince Charming either. Try to get to know the next woman, and let her know you, BEFORE you try putting on the Prince Charming suit. It doesn’t fit anyway. And you want a woman who can handle the complexity that you are.

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HEY HEARTUN: When I came to Second Life and discovered the Scat Lovers group I cried in relief. You see, I’m a 24 year old executive assistant for a Fortune 500 company and my husband and I live the American Dream — but I secretly smear my own feces all over me, or roll in it, as I masturbate. I’ve been doing it for years, since I was a girl. It started in the shower in my parents house. The house my husband and I live in has wooden floors, leather furniture, linoleum, and other hard surfaces that clean up well — because I have ‘christened’ every room in the house. My husband doesn’t know, and I am sure he wouldn’t understand. So finding others who share my fettish for the first time has lifted a lifetime of shame from my shoulders — even if only in Second Life. I love my real life husband, but am looking for a Second Life partner for mutual Scat love. Will this jeopardize my marriage? ~ SCAT LOVER

DEAR SCAT: Will having a secret lover in Second Life jeopardize your marriage in real life? No, not really. Unfortunately, your real life marriage is already doomed. Every marriage has some secrets, like how many lovers you’ve had in the past or what about your spouse secretly annoys you. These secrets differ from the one you are keeping in that they are not things that really define who you are. Your life-long love of ‘smearing’ scat sounds like it is a huge part of your sexuality. It sounds like something you need, and will apparently seek out a partner for. Hiding something that big from your real life partner will not end well for you or for him. He may leave you if you tell him, but he may decide it is something he can live with. You need to trust him to be adult enough to decide what is best for him. Whether he leaves after you tell him, or stays, you will be free of this burden of secrecy. And if you do not tell him, and pursue an online scat partner, you will build a nest of little lies to hide the big secret in your life and eventually that will become a burden that is certain to crush your marriage absolutely. Buy a second computer. Get your RL husband to play Second Life. Introduce him to online scat play and use that as an open to discuss with him your secret. If he stays, great. If he goes, you can find someone to replace him in the Scat Lovers group. Both of these paths end with you ditching your fear and shame. The path you are on does not.

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HEY HEARTUN: Some people put their real life pictures in their Second Life profiles, most people just say something like ‘not your business.’ I don’t know what to do. Why would they (Lindens) put in a place in the profile for a first life info? ~ PROFILE NOOB

DEAR PROFILE ~ There are are four basic uses for the 1st Life section of the profile, and I’ve asked someone from each approach to tell us why they do what they do.

• “Another 2nd Life bio page” “I don’t want to share my First Life, but I hate how little space the Lindens give us in the 2nd Life section. So why not put some 2nd Life stuff in the 1st Life area? Waste not, want not.” ~ ANONYMOUS
• “Go Away” “A lot of people put too much judgement on how you look in real life, so to save from all the drama I leave the 1st Life seciton blank. There’s enough drama anyway. Why invite it?” ~ MELISSA BRANNAN
  
  Melissa Brannan
• This is me!” “When I was a reporter in the real world I was in the public eye, so I am confortable with people knowing a little about who I am. I don’t give a ton of info, but have a somewhat blurry (and flattering) picture of myself, my age, the city I live in, and my new occupation. I don’t give my real name, or any info you could really track me down with. ~ HEARTUN BREAKER (ok, I got lazy and interviewed myself. lol)
• This is me! (but a lie) “I like role playing so some times I pretend to be someone else in my 1st Life bio. I’ve been a NASA astronaut playing SL from the International Space Station, a homeless down-and-out former dot-com guru playing on the street from stolen connectivity and electricity routed from an electric traffic signal, and a very fat mother of six who is living off the dole in a Mississippi trailor court. Its just fun. Besides, everyone lies in their bio — I just do it better than some. ~ OUCHQUACK STERN
  
  Ouchquack as RL Astronaut Michael Lopez-Algeria. Courtesy, NASA

So, dear Profile, there are no clearly defined rules for the 1st Life bio section. As for what they Lindens intended, I put that question to Second Life Liaison Hermia Linden but she declined to comment. No help there, I’m afraid. Makes you wonder what a liaison really does here in SL, if not answer simple questions like yours, dear Profile.

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Get A Life is the most popular and widely syndicated advice column in Second Life — known for Heartun Breaker’s down to earth common sense and witty reason.

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