The Alphaville Herald

Revenge of the Snail

by kris on 29/05/08 at 2:28 pm

by Happy Trails, slick private eye

As a snail, I get stepped on a lot.  Usually it’s some noob who doesn’t look where they’re going.  And yes, I’ve been in a lot of sticky situations.  Escagot is quite a dame, though.  She stands by me no matter what and doesn’t criticize me for all my drinking…and ya know, that case she handed me this morning had some interesting facts.

The rash of dissappearances started shortly after the cooking school incident.  Chronologically, the missing people all vanished in the shape of a spiral, or a snails shell, centering at the cooking school.  Seemed to me that the solution to that case would lie in there, and that would fit into my plans.  Added benefit: someone would now be paying me for my revenge.

Then there was Fatboy; the thing that didn’t add up.  Escargot and I spent the night in Pixeleen’s butter.  How did Pix get butter on her fingers for Fatboy to slip out of?  If she had stuck her fingers in the butter she would have caught Escargot and me doing the nasty.

Yeah, we were in the butterdish all night.  I sure didn’t hear Pix swearing at losing Fatboy, and I know she woulda been cussing up a storm.  Something was cooking at that school, and it wasn’t snails.  It was time to make my move while I still had a paying client, and it was going to have to be tonight.

I stopped for lunch and had my usual three martinis.  I got on the horn and called up the snails I had recruited.  Hopefully I could get a few to show up.  I wrote Escargot a message on a napkin and had a local kid deliver it for me.  I was counting on her to back me up, ‘cuz I had a feeling tonight was going to be messy.  I had the owner of the bar, a friend of mine, bag me a bottle of Jack to take with me; it was going to be a long night.

I took a cab over to our designated meeting place, a filthy alley some blocks away from our target.  I could see Fatboy sitting there, looking nervous.  It looked like only four of the snails I called had shown up.  I checked my piece and made sure it was loaded.  I paid my fare and slid out of the door.

"Ok,Fatboy, let’s do this", I said.

"Sure ting, Trails", he replied.  "Follow me, boys".

We made our way along the alley as Fatboy felt for the hole in the wall that would begin our underground journey to the cooking school.  My stomach was churning from the brandy this morning, the 3 martini’s at lunch, and the 1/2 bottle of Jack I had for dinner.  I was sure hoping Escargot got the note I sent her earlier.  Into the hole we dropped, one by one.

When we finally came out, we were in the cooking school, in the kitchen where Pix had her lessons.  It was the middle of the night and as I emerged, I heard 3 clicks.  I looked around.  The four recruits and me were being held at gunpoint, by Fatboy, Speedy and George.

"So you’re working for Pix, aren’t ya Fatboy?"

Fatboy snorted, full of himself.

"Me and da boys cut a deal with Pix.  She don’t eat us and we bring her snails every night for her lessons".

"So the three of you are responsible for all the dissappearances lately.  I figured as much, you scumbag."

"If you’re so smart, detective, then how come I got da drop on you?". 

Fatboy laughed, but not for long.  As his chuckles died down, there was the clear and audible click of numerous guns from all around.  When Fatboy and his gang looked to see what was happening, I pulled my revolver out and pointed it at his fat, slimy head.

"I knew your story stank, Fatboy.  I had Escargot round up the other volunteers and come in the way she and I escaped.  I really didn’t need your secret entrance.  I just wanted to catch you in the act."

"Hi, Baby", Escargot shouted from the counter top.  Besides bringing the troops, she had freed the other snails, those who had not been eaten yet, anyway; and right next to her was my missing person case.  I was going to get paid for this.

"Nice work, baby!", I said, "Let’s haul these scumbags in and go celebrate!".

"You celebrate, Mr. Detective, I’ll have soda water. I want you son to be born healthy."

"Son?"  I finished off the Jack Daniels.