The Alphaville Herald

Return of the Snail

by kris on 27/05/08 at 7:34 pm

by Happy Trails, slick private detective

Now something had to be done about this french cooking school, and I was just the snail to do it.  I opened an office over on 5th street and hired Escargot as my receptionist.  Happy Trails, Private Detective.  Yeah, that’s me…gumshoe…private dick. I began by hitting every dive and gin joint in town to scrape up a team to hit the place.  I took on a lot of side jobs to fund this project, mostly trailing cheating wives.  Once they’ve had snail….anyway, that’s another story.

So one morning I’m in my office helping Escargot get her shell back on.  She sure could take dictation.  I heard the front door bell chime.  I nearly fell off the desk.  In walked Fatboy.

"Fatboy!", I said, "You’re supposed to be dead.  I saw you in Pixeleen’s jar at the cooking school".

"Ha! Ain’ no wannabe French Chef gonna do in Fatboy!", he replied.

"I’ll go fix some coffee while you two get reacquainted", Escargot chimed in.

"Don’t hold back on the brandy, baby".

"..if you have any left", she chided.

"Ok, Fatboy", I said, "Talk to me.  How did you get out and what can I do for you?".

Fatboy moved slugishly across the room and plopped into a chair in front of my desk.  He reached over and took a cigarette off the desk and lit up.  He took a long draw and began to talk.

"Me an’ tha boys were in tha jar alright.  I had a good life.  I was ready to just let it happen.  I saw you and tha dame escape and I was happy for ya.  A few minutes later I was in Pix’s fingers and hovering over the frying pan.  That’s when I caught a break; she had butter on her fingers.  She wasn’t used to holding a snail of my size and she popped me across the room like a pimple.  I slid right into a mousehole and made my escape."

"Hehehe", I said, "Sounds like she didn’t get a good grade on that lesson!".

Fatboy feigned a laugh and continued.

"So I heard that you are planning an attack on that cooking school.  I wanna be in on it."

Fatboy was starting to sound like Marlon Brando playing the Godfather.

"Ya want in, Fatboy?, What do you have to offer?".

"Tha mousehole.  I can get you in tha same way I got out.  Only I know tha route."

I considered this a moment before I welcomed him in.  Escargot was here with our coffees and there was plenty of brandy in mine.  I watched Fatboy slither out of the office and tried to picture his escape in my mind.  Something wasn’t quite right, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

"Whatta we got in the hopper, Babe?"

Escargot handed me a note. 

"Got a missing person case, Mr. Detective". 

Escargo slid up onto my lap.  "Looks like snails are dissappearing all over town lately, according to the paper.  This could be big, Mr. Detective".  She smiled and caressed my brow.

"Yes", I murmered, "..could be big."