The Alphaville Herald

Travel: Matt Gross’s Night in Paris

by Urizenus Sklar on 06/11/06 at 3:35 pm

Impressed as all fuck by his fascinating travel reporting on Second Life in the New York Times, the Second Life Herald has commissioned Matt Gross (aka Urge Gainsbourg) to be the travel reporter for other fascinating destinations with diverse cultures. As his first assignment, we sent him to France. Following, is Matt’s eagerly awaited report. –Uri

It’s my (Frenchy) World…

By Matt Gross

Fresh off the Concorde I hopped a taxi to my friend Jerry’s suite at the Starwood Hotel in Paris. Sure, I’d been to lots of parties at Jerry’s loft in Williamsburg, but this wasn’t one of his tiresome fisting parties. No, tonight he was hosting an intimate get-together of 26 people who would listen to a private concert by the famous French singer Ben Folds.

The Ben Folds concert was tres chic: Ben drank Budweiser and told us to fuck off and even took his shirt off. It was oh so French. I couldn’t help but think “this is what Paris was like in 1919.”

Did I mention the hotel? The Starwood was the ultimate expression of French Architecture and design sensibilities. You see the clean cold aggressively Euclidean lines of the lobby and you can already smell the baguettes. I couldn’t wait to get upstairs to my room and check out the American Standard toilet fixtures and the shower stall.

Lobby of a Typical French Hotel.

Bathroom of a Typical French Hotel

The next day I told Jerry and his friends that I wanted to go shopping in Paris. I had heard so much about Parisian fashion! They took me to a local store called American Apparel. Once again, the French architectural sensibilities were on display. I was agog at how the clean boxy lines of the store were so in tune with those of my hotel. Inside, we didn’t find any customers (another plus!) but there was a sleepy American kid managing the register. His name was Bob. I pulled some T-shirts off the rack (I found a remaindered shirt that said “Crayon!”) gave Bob some Euros and we were off to experience more of Paris!

Typical French Clothing Store.

Typical French Males Stylin’ in Au Courant French Fashion!

As we dr0ve through the streets of Paris in Jerry’s French Nissan Sentra we went through a red light district. I closed my eyes until the danger passed. Whew! Close one!

The boys took me to a bar that had a sound system of some sort. I think they called it a “juke box”. It played songs by many French singers, ranging from Jane’s Addiction to Weird Al Yankovic. I especially felt a strange existential connection to one of Mr. Yankovic’s songs. What was it again? Oh yes, “White and Nerdy” – it was like Camus put to music. I was humming it to myself all the way back to the airport the next morning.

Typical French Singer, Al Yankovic.

When I got home to the US I was famished. I decided it was time for a nice meal. I pulled some Easy-Mac from the cubbord, added some water, and popped it in the microwave. As I cracked open a bottle of Jim Beam and sat down to watch my mac and cheese cook, I thought to myself, this is so satisfying – “cooking Easy-Mac is just like travel reporting for the Times!”

Mmmmm, Easy-Mac!

[ed. This wasn’t really by Matt, but then, you already knew that.]