The Alphaville Herald

One Million Dollars Won’t Buy Mother’s Love

by Pixeleen Mistral on 11/01/07 at 2:30 am

by Heartun Breaker, syndicated advice columnist.

[Editrix's note: This column marks the debut of a new irregular verb -- -– -- which is copyrighted intellectual property of the Herald. We will open-source this verb in the future to allow others to contribute improved versions to us for possible inclusion in future publications. Un-authorized commercial use of our verb may be subject to DMCA take down notices. Contact us directly to see if we feel like letting you use the verb in public or for commercial activities]

HEY HEARTUN ~ A couple of weeks ago I was listening to my radio whilst driving in my car and I heard that a lady was the first to make one million U.S. dollars in Second Life. This made me sit up and listen. Is it true that you can become a millionaire from Second Life? And where do I start and please don’t answer by saying ‘at the beginning’ because I don’t know where that is other than registering.
~ BOB’S YOUR UNCLE

DEAR BOB’S YOUR UNCLE ~ Anshe Chung, Anshe Chung, Anshe freaking Chung… if I had a nickel for every greedy noob who joined Second Life because of some article in a business magazine lionizing her I’d be -–ed well — I’d be Anshe Chung. The sad part is that if you talk with some of her competitors and associates, as I have, they’ll all tell you how Anshe puts off this attitude that she is failing miserably. At the same time they’ll tell you that public estimates of her income are vastly UNDER-reported. That said, Anshe Chung is a failure.

It’s clear that what she wants is her mother’s love and respect and she’ll never get it. She’ll never get it because I tracked down her mother and have a wonderful relationship with her – once we finally -–ed I was sure it’s true love between me and Anshe’s mom. Stack up all the Linden space bucks you want Anshe, I win.

As for making money in Second Life, there are a few tried and true methods.

1. LAND SPECULATION
   Anshe doesn’t have a lock on buying land in bulk, improving it, then selling it for a bundle. You could also try opening a shopping mall.

2. MAKING STUFF
   Make stuff people want to buy, then sell it. Household products, sex toys, skins, clothing, weird gestures like –ing the sky is the limit (well, I guess you can’t make a mirror.)

3. BEGGING
   It’s annoying, but a lot of people do it for a while. Just don’t ask me, I hate beggars.

4. WHORING
   Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it, even if you are a straight man. This is actually quite popular, and at most dance clubs it is apparently considered an honorable profession.

5. SKILLED SERVICES
   If you’re good at improving land but don’t have the money to buy any – poses hit up a land baron for a job as an architect. Or find something else people will pay for… like business consultation services, proof-reading profiles, photography, professional friend, surrogate stalker, singer, artist, etc.

6. PAWNSHOP/MIDDLE MAN
   Buy up things on the cheap and sell them for more money than you paid. Works in real life, works in Second Life if you check the objects permissions first.

7. BUY AND SELL MONEY
   Once the game of governments and Wall Street moguls, you can take advantage of exchange rate fluctuations and make money at it. Just remember, it is high risk.

8. CAMPING CHAIRS
   Get paid to sit in someones land. Go figure.

9. BLACKMAIL/BREAK THE LAW
   If you are a burly man in real life but you play a woman so that you can whore for money (see #4) you can keep an eye out for a serious homophobe, film the encounter (and copy IMs) then threaten to expose him if he doesn’t pay you more. You can also do other quasi-illegal things like start a Ponzi (pyramid) scheme or grift.

10. POLLS
    People will pay you money for your opinion.

11. GAMES OF CHANCE/SKILL
    Go gamble. There are a ton of casinos, as well as Tringo, Slingo, Bingo, Greedy Greedy and a slew of other games. Then there are races involving boats, cars, motorcycles and the like.
    

~ HEARTUN BREAKER (Exerpts from “Makin’ Money in SL” by Ouchquack Stern, used by permission)

---

¿ Vida Secundaria “Solamente Inglés” Es?

HEY HEARTUN~ I am Spanish. I do not speak English. The people who speak here English are cruel. They say that “they speak English or they go.” She is that I leave the Second Life? ~VISTA GLOBAL (translated from Spanish using AltaVista’s Babelfish)

DEAR VISTA~ I spoke briefly with Liaison Lizzy Linden and she said there is no “official language of Second Life.” While the majority of SL ‘citizens’ speak English it’s non-English speakers that are the hoped-for salvation for Linden Labs. After personnel expenses, server space and connectivity top the expenses that keep Second Life running. And they’re fairly fixed costs too. If you double the number of Americans playing SL, you have to boost server space and connectivity or service suffers more than players will tolerate.

However, if you pull in players who aren’t from he same time zone they end up playing at different times, effectively distributing the server and connectivity workload. More players, same capital costs. Venture capitalists love that, and Linden Labs is out hunting for more VC right now. The money they brought in last winter is running out — and while management can downsize customer service workers like Lizzy to boost the bottom line they can’t cut infrastructure.

“There are four fucking languages going on all at once in here and its pissing me off,” yelled one Welcome Area Regular in Ahern recently. “I’ve got a problem with all these foreigners — it didn’t used to be this way!”

Xenophobic sentiment like this is bound to increase in the Second Life Welcome Areas because while language-specific sims are on the increase the WAs are common ground. We Americans are going to have to admit to ourselves that we don’t travel the world much, we don’t speak any other languages and our world view is rather narrow. That kind of introspection makes us uncomfortable. Meanwhile the non-Americans get a chance to answer their favorite question: “Who are these Americans who keep electing bomb-flinging psychopaths.” And they’d better be nice about it too because America has a lot of bombs, and a lot of Bushes. (Jeb 08-16, Neil 16-24, Jenna 24-32, Barbara 32-40 and so on.)

Second Life is the opportunity we all have to find out about each other without actually going to war but it starts in the Welcome Area. So if someone gives you shit for speaking Spanish, Dear Vista, write up an abuse report because I’d hate to see Jenna send B-52s into Barcelona some day. And that cracker best learn some Spanish or learn to shut up because they probably don’t want to see that either.

---

HEY HEARTUN: When I came to Second Life and discovered the Scat Lovers group I cried in relief. You see, I’m a 35 year old management executive – but ever since I was young and first heard Frank Sinatra singing Strangers in the Night – there’s that great bit where he goes ‘scooby dooby doo a dooby doo doo’ (you know Scooby Doo was named after that line!) Well, from then there was no stopping me – and I was soon into the hardcore stuff. Louis Armstrong. Cab Calloway. Even a few Bing Crosby recordings.

But I find few people share this love a vocal jazz improvisation – and Im so glad at least to have found a group in SL that seem sure to fill a hole in my life. I can’t wait to get in touch with a few of the group members and start hanging out together. Just opening up to new friends, and sharing a common deep seated love is sure to be inspirational and life changing. ~BIBBLEDEBOP SCATTER

DEAR BIBBLEDEBOP~ Ok, I try to take all posts seriously but yours is so obviously a parody of the Scat Lover article I recently posted. That said, I still think you should join the Scat Lovers group. They’re a fun bunch, and they really know their shit. (Heartun sings: Skit skat skadoobie… waaaaa!) ~ HEARTUN BREAKER

---

If you have a question for “Get a Life” just email HeartunBreaker@gmail.com. All submissions become the property of HeartunBreaker.com. We reserve the right to edit submissions for brevity and clarity. No ‘real’ or ‘game’ names will be published. No part of this service may be reproduced in any form without the express written permission of Heartun Breaker, except that an individual may download and/ or forward articles via e-mail to a reasonable number of recipients for personal, non-commercial purposes.