The Alphaville Herald

TV: The Cappuccinos

by Pixeleen Mistral on 26/01/07 at 8:00 am

Zee delivers crowbar-enhanced newspaper

by Inigo Chamerberlin

[On the previous episode of The Cappuccinos: Street-smart Zee, having just joined "The Family" is eager to prove himself one of the goodfellas, and starts looking for an informant to whack while working the family numbers game. Philip visits the consigliere and returns quiet and subdued - but quickly resumes his normal upbeat wiseguy demeanor. A Cappuccino family administration meeting is called and as the clock strikes 3:00 and the our story continues... - the Editrix]

Phil: OK– now, not all of you are made men but everyone is part of this thing of ours – are we cool dudes or are we cool dudes?

All: We ARE cool dudes Phil!

Phil: Always remember that – you are all part of the family! Now, first order of the business: Wossname? Sunshine? Spin Monkey? erm….

Cory: You mean Torley, boss?

Phil: That’s the one! Torley is getting kinda frayed round the edges and Robin’s been giving me hell about it – I want suggestions for a new phrase to imply everything’s fine. ‘Fixed’, ‘Resolved’ – they just aren’t cutting it any more. We need something else, preferably something that suggests everything’s OK, without committing us to fixing anything on any time scale.

Brent: -snigger-

Phil: Thank you for that helpful contribution Brent, Now, while I think of it, about this idea of yours that unlimited logins of a potentially unlimited number of users while the grid still can’t handle more than about twenty thousand concurrent logins being a self regulating gizmo? Well it’s causing problems, pal!

Brent: Uh, how so boss? I mean, like, uh, when the lag and database issues become bad enough they start logging off in droves, the online figure drops and the problem stabilizes. Uh, where’s the problem? It is self regulating.

Phil: The problem, my friend is that land sales and in-world sales drop noticeably at those times, along with Lindex sales. We’ve got numbers to make – and the island sales team is having trouble moving all the abandoned islands. And way too much land is being returned. Oh, yeah, and the numbers of reverting Premiums is way up too!

Brent: -shrugs- uh, ok, but it works out boss. And there are plenty more jamooks where they came from…

Zee: -sighs, rolls up a copy of The Wall Street Journal, slips a crowbar inside and applies it with some force to the side of Brent’s head-

Brent: OWWWWWW! –Brent slides to the floor, unconscious.

Zee: You’re fuckin’ up my numbers boy. Saturday evening they were leaving faster than they were signing up!

Phil: -prods Brent with his foot- Ah, right Zee, I was, er, just coming to that, though maybe without the crowbar?

Zee: -sniffs contemptuously and kicks Brent in the ribs – Listen man, you can’t let these assholes screw up the numbers! It’s all about the money! You gotta get your head around that.

Phil: Right Zee, right, just we don’t need guys like Brent concussed right now you know? Ah, maybe some first aid?

(the door bursts open and Robin enters, Phil and several others present cringe visibly, Cory perks up noticeably, Zee tightens his grip on his enhanced WSJ)

Robin: WHAT are you guys up to now! Brent? Dear God! What have you done to Brent?

Phil: Ummmm, well Zee was just drawing Brent’s attention to some financial details…

Cory: Right, nothing to get excited about hotlips, just come and sit over here on my lap

Robin: Are you all mad? And what have you got to say for yourself mister? –glaring at Zee

Zee: His dumb idea was screwing up the cash flow lady, I was just impressing the seriousness of that on him.

Robin: Cash flow? What’s wrong with you Zee? Don’t you realize The Family is all about community spirit? Freedom? Liberal teki-wiki values?

Zee: -leafs quickly through his WSJ- Well lady, they don’t seem to be listed here, where’s the profit in them? –the crowbar slips out onto the floor with a clang-

Robin: You BEAST! You hit him with that? Were you trying to kill him?

Zee: No. Just making a point, just tapped him is all. Now, you want to shut up a bit, make yourself useful, bandage him or something?

(everyone in the room winces, a couple start to tremble slightly, Phil covers his eyes)

Robin: Me? Bandage him? You must be joking! This is an emergency situation!
First I’ll have to write a report, circulate it for general appraisal, collect and collate the comments, revise the report on the basis of those comments, form a committee of trusted ‘yes’ men to prepare a final report and begin the necessary groundwork, based on the final report, to begin putting in place the necessary synergistic linkages to construct a mechanism to enable those affected to access an online system which will give detailed information about how to apply a band-aid to themselves.

Cory: Way to go Robin! Ain’t she a babe?

Zee: – gazes at Robin in awe- Shit lady, you didn’t even pause to draw a breath!

(Robin stoops to the floor, picks up the crowbar and smacks Zee round the back of the head, he slumps over the table with a sigh, she turns and stalks out of the room)

Phil: Oh yeah Cory, a real babe…I don’t know what we’d do without her… really…

Cory: OK, so, that’s out of the way for now, what next?

Brent: -moans feebly-

Phil: Uh, let me see… I’d have liked to discuss the reorganization of the support system with Robin, but seeing she’s kind of busy now… a pity, Zee would have been pleased about the expenditure saving too. Oh well. They can discuss it together later, I guess.

Pathfinder: You think that would be wise Phil?

Phil: Oh, I don’t see why not, these little differences of opinion happen from time to time you know?

Pathfinder: Yeah, right, still, maybe we ought to consider disarming them before the meeting?

Phil: Hmmm, yes, guess so Path. Good thinking there.
OK, well, with Brent, Zee and Robin not present, maybe we should postpone discussion of the support and customer service improvements until everyone’s recovered? Now if the rest of you could just take care of Brent and Zee – preferably in different parts of the office – Cory and I need to go chat about some important stuff with the waste management business, Thank you all. And remember – you are part of the Family.

[...stay tuned for the next exciting episode of The Cappuccinos...]