The Alphaville Herald

Second Life Is Like An Acid Trip

by Pixeleen Mistral on 16/02/07 at 6:10 pm

Get A Life
by Heartun Breaker, syndicated advice columnist.

HEY HEARTUN ~ So, I have number of “friends” in SL who I find vaguely threatening. In real life I don’t enjoy hanging around people who either ignore me or leave the room without looking at me or (who fail to respond) to me when I say “Hi, how are you today?”

So, the question is, why do I tolerate this behaviour in what is supposed to be a game, and I assume(!) fun….?

How do others deal with the fickle nature of people in SL? With those who virtually stalk you, then drop you? Is this normal behaviour?

I know I can just take them off my list, but for some reason I’m finding this hard to do. Is SL making a victim of me? ~ BRUISED BETTY

DEAR BRUISED BETTY ~ Second Life is like LSD. If you are a well rounded and generally nice person when you are under its influence you will generally have an intensely nice experience. If you are an asshole, well… you become an intensified asshole. And good luck with that.

(NOTE: Don’t do drugs. Drugs are bad, mmm-kay?)

In Second Life some people say “excuse me” when they bump into a strange avatar, some just keep on going. Why? Because they can. There are very few social social repercussions for bad behavior in SL. What? You gonna ban someone because they bumped you? Or didn’t return a hearty ‘Hello?’ No.

“But Heartun, it just isn’t right!” you say. I agree. But unlike you and me and a significant minority of humans on this planet, not everyone adheres to the generally accepted (but poorly defined, outside of Judith Martin) rules of behavior we call ‘common courtesy.’ Many people only do something if it has a direct and immediate benefit for them. They are engaged in some activity, they see you say “Hi” but they don’t want to disturb what they are doing so they ignore you. Later they may see you and since they are bored and want to engage you in conversation they will track you down and attach themselves to you like a leach.

It’s all about what is in it for them.

Not everyone is like this. And don’t assume that someone exhibiting this behavior one time is necessarily that self centered — they could be dealing with a RL potty emergency, or be engaged in IMs or surfing the web in another window to the exclusion of their SL presence. I think we all get trapped in that once in a while. But persistent friends of (their) convenience abound here. In real life they know that there would be consequences for ignoring your “Hi” as you pass in the halls at work… but there are no real consequences for them here.

Chinese General Sun Tzu said to “choose your friends well as your enemies will choose you.” I think that applies to online “friends” as well. No, a non-friend is not necessarily an enemy, but they can drag down your sense of well being and enjoyment of your time here. Choose your friends well. Cull your Friends list often. If you are unsure about someone, don’t worry about dropping them.

Good people will understand you are just trying to preserve your sense of fun here — and you can always extend another friendship request. Just don’t delete friendships while angry or in a hurry. Be fair in your periodic evaluation of your list. And it’s OK to IM someone and give them the message “We haven’t talked in a while. I’m cleaning up my Friends list and culling you. I enjoyed talking with you that one time. Please IM me if you want to hang out again.” ~ HEARTUN BREAKER

HEY HEARTUN ~ I never thought I would be writing you, but I am (forgive me) heartbroken. I started playing Second Life about a year ago and met the love of my life right away. (Name withheld) and I had a love sweeter than any. We exchanged (real life) contact information, and while we didn’t talk about hooking up (in real life) we were headed there.

Our SL wedding was going to be a blow out. I spent far more RL money than I care to admit, but (name withheld) helped out with what I TOLD him it cost and all the details were taken care of. All our friends were invited. We registered on SLExchange. We bought a place in Ravenglass. Our new home was to be a Barnesworth original.

I don’t remember everything involved, though, because I lost a lot of my memory surrounding the week or so before my RL car accident. When I got home from the hospital I found his many emails, phone messages and snail-mail letters. The early ones were worried, then pleading, then angry… then none.

We had partnered a few weeks before the wedding, but when I finally came back to the game after three months in intensive care and rehabilitation we were no longer partners. This was like four months ago. He has had me on ‘mute’ ever since and dropped me from his friends list altogether. Most of our mutual friends sided with him and don’t believe me. I’ve asked several to explain what happened to me to him but I don’t think they did.

So I got on with my life and thought I was over the pain when I ran into him the other day at NeoRealms fishing camp in Alston and I had to listen to him curse me out and say the meanest things to me… all the while he has me muted so I can’t tell him what happened. I have been crying all the time since then. He hates me. I love him, and I can’t tell him. Oh Heartun, I’m so sad! ~ MUTED LOVE

DEAR MUTED LOVE ~ Well, you can’t blame the guy. I mean, that story of yours — IF it is for real — is a cliche right out of Leo McCarey’s 1957 film “An Affair To Remember” with Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr. I mean, Kerr’s character Terry McKay has nothing on you!

Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy hates girl, girl lives in quiet misery. It’s a tear jerker!! (Kind readers, if you haven’t seen it get some tissues and NetFlix this movie.)

So you’ve gotten to the part of the movie where Kerry Grant’s character Nickie Ferrante comes into her room and calls her all kinds of names, and she just sucks it up. Only you HAVE to suck it up because you can’t talk with him when he has you on mute. Do I have this right so far? Good.

But you forgot. You have his email address, his snail-mail address and his phone number. Mail him your hospital bill. If he doesn’t catch on and come running into your arms just continue on with your life — because this isn’t a movie. There aren’t always happy endings to story book beginnings. ~ HEARTUN BREAKER

HEY HEARTUN ~ I’m a guy and supposed to be into guy like things, and fishing stereotypically falls into that category — but ever since my girlfriend has taken up with virtual fishing at Neo-Realms Fishing Camp in Alston. She’s freaking addicted!! I can’t stand how boooorrrrrreeeeeing it is to hang out with her there. I mean, she stands there with a fishing rod and every once in a while a “fish” gets dumped into her inventory. She gets so excited when she gets a new kind of fish, but she doesn’t do anything with them! WTF?

We used to hang out at this cool club where we met. Now she drags me to this fish pond. I hate it! ~ BAIT HATE

DEAR BAIT HATE ~ I’m trying to figure out how you built up so much anger. I’m guessing one of two things: either you complain a lot or you don’t ever complain. They sound like opposites, but they’re two sides of the same coin. If you are always going on and on to your girlfriend about the many things that bother you — you are frustrated because she stopped listening to you a long time ago. If you never complain, you also feel frustrated because she isn’t listening to what you aren’t saying.

Either way you have to engage her in a conversation where you let her know about your discomfort in an assertive but non-aggressive way. Start out with a bunch of “I” statements. Like “I am really bored when we fish all the time” and “I would like to go dancing with you more” or “I really don’t like fishing and this isn’t working for me.” (DANGER: This last one is very close to a threat. Do NOT threaten her. Under no circumstances should you say anything along the lines of “I really don’t like fishing and will leave you if you keep doing it.” Threats don’t work.)

She may not listen at first because this kind of talk from you will be new to her. If after hearing you she can’t give you what you need in this relationship — throw her back. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. ~ HEARTUN BREAKER

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