by Pixeleen Mistral on 08/02/07 at 11:05 pm
Virgin shortage angers volcano – promiscuous Barnesworth & prudish Ingrid not much help
by Tenshi Vielle, Fabulous Fashionista
[Bowing to the whims of the Linden PR minder Catherine Linden - who suggested today the media get going with some spirituality in second life stories - the Herald officially kicks off our Second Life Spirituality Week!
First up: a heart warming story of an angry, lava-licious, virgin-starved island God. Catherine? Is this the sort of thing you were after? Careful - this story contains images which may not be suitable for all ages. - the Editrix]
Your on-the-street Fashionista Tenshi Vielle was on the scene. Accidentally.
Tenshi Vielle: oh my god, Barnesworth, it’s so HORRIBLE, the destruction of Tableau by that awful volcano! Would you like to give me some comments for the SL Herald on the horrors of this tragedy?
Barnesworth Anubis: We were powerless to stop nature, all we can do is move forward and rebuild, WE STILL HAVE ALL THE GOOD MEMORIES
Tenshi Vielle: Were there any casualties other than the buildings?
Barnesworth Anubis: Yes, one, and Ingrids flexi-breast implants. Poly’s face also suffered damage.
Barnesworth Anubis: We did warn people
Tenshi Vielle: :yes, i remember.
Barnesworth Anubis: we sent out protective helmets when it started acting up- the insurance company made us
Barnesworth’s insurace company also demanded that the Tableau society put a giant cork into the volcano in a failed attempt to stop it from exploding. Sadly, FyNeAzZbAbYgUrL Mahoney was lost in the onslaught of magma that followed. “Our hearts go out to the friends, family and loved ones of FyNeAzZ, who was smoted by the cork.”
“FyneAzzBabyGurl had it coming,” Candle Hazlitt sighs, shaking her head sadly. “There was little warning, only the pure of heart were spared. Tableau will live on in our hearts forever.”
“Toast Bard is a madwoman and should be banned from Tableau. She burned Ingrid’s store to the ground and made Poly’s prim baby cry. The madness must stop!” Forseti Svarog angrily stamps his foot, attempting to make himself heard over the sound of Ingrid’s tears. (She’s a very loud crier.)
“All I have to say is, I don’t know who misread “located directly on active volcano” as “close to good schools and major thorough ways”, but it certainly wasn’t me.” Having a sudden coughing fit that sounds a lot like the name “NYLON,” Cory Edo leans over and blows her nose into a handkerchief. She does little to conceal her tears.
“I could personally take responsibility for God’s wrath raining hellfire down upon Tableau for reading Richard Dawkin’s “The God Delusion” while sipping margaritas that my hired ageplayers brought me on the boardwalk, as the rest of Tableau’s residents wailed and rendered their hairshirts asunder,” Cory continues, “but I won’t.”
“I told them. I told them ALL! I saw the signs, they didn’t want to hear it, they had their little helmets! Poly and Barnesworth were awful to me in the days before the eruption. They kept tying my shoe laces together and would scream ‘LAVA, RUN!’ followed by their horrible shrieks of laughter and, ‘crazypersonsayswhat?’
Luckily when both of Poly’s legs were crushed by a massive lava ball I was there to save her. Even though she tells me I should have just ‘let her die,’ and that ‘every time she sees my face she smells burning flesh,’ not everyone would have had the heart to save her after how she treated me. But I do.” Toast Bard went on to be diagnosed with one of the most horrific cases of PTSD known to SL later that week. She even sees Vietnam in her dreams.
Prudish Ingrid Ingersoll gives us the full lowdown on why the volcano was so angry
“It takes sacrificial virgins to keep the gods appeased and to prevent a volcano from errupting. Sadly for us, the wasn’t a single virgin to be found on Tableau Island. We’re all tarts, Barnesworth being the most promiscuous. We didn’t stand a chance, that lava engulfed everything in it’s path. I was fortunate enough to save my store but Nylon’s, Barnesworth’s and Toast’s were completely destroyed. Better them than me though. I will mourn the loss of my betafish, Pickledickle.”
In all, I’m sure many of us will greatly miss Tableau. As for Poly, I fully expect her to be wearing a paper bag the next time I see her. No way do I wanna see THAT. (I mean, god. In a world full of perfect SL people, why would I have to mar my experience with a messed up, volcano-mauled face?)
This is Tenshi Vielle, signing out. (P.S.: Keep an eye on Tableau for updates.)