Tableau Sim Volcano Erupts — Refugees Flee to Demersal

by Pixeleen Mistral on 08/02/07 at 11:05 pm

Virgin shortage angers volcano – promiscuous Barnesworth & prudish Ingrid not much help

by Tenshi Vielle, Fabulous Fashionista

[Bowing to the whims of the Linden PR minder Catherine Linden - who suggested today the media get going with some spirituality in second life stories - the Herald officially kicks off our Second Life Spirituality Week!

First up: a heart warming story of an angry, lava-licious, virgin-starved island God. Catherine? Is this the sort of thing you were after? Careful - this story contains images which may not be suitable for all ages. - the Editrix]

130543TABLEAU, the island well-loved by many, has been destroyed. The Tableau volcano, which has been active for two weeks now, finally erupted, and with it, took every last building with it.

Your on-the-street Fashionista Tenshi Vielle was on the scene. Accidentally.

Tenshi Vielle: oh my god, Barnesworth, it’s so HORRIBLE, the destruction of Tableau by that awful volcano! Would you like to give me some comments for the SL Herald on the horrors of this tragedy?
Barnesworth Anubis: We were powerless to stop nature, all we can do is move forward and rebuild, WE STILL HAVE ALL THE GOOD MEMORIES
Tenshi Vielle: Were there any casualties other than the buildings?
Barnesworth Anubis: Yes, one, and Ingrids flexi-breast implants. Poly’s face also suffered damage.
Barnesworth Anubis: We did warn people
Tenshi Vielle: :yes, i remember.
Barnesworth Anubis: we sent out protective helmets when it started acting up- the insurance company made us

Barnesworth’s sorrows flow at the Tableau shrine resurrected at the refugee camp in Demersal.

Barnesworth’s insurace company also demanded that the Tableau society put a giant cork into the volcano in a failed attempt to stop it from exploding. Sadly, FyNeAzZbAbYgUrL Mahoney was lost in the onslaught of magma that followed. “Our hearts go out to the friends, family and loved ones of FyNeAzZ, who was smoted by the cork.”

“FyneAzzBabyGurl had it coming,” Candle Hazlitt sighs, shaking her head sadly. “There was little warning, only the pure of heart were spared. Tableau will live on in our hearts forever.”

The newly deceased body of FyNeAzZ and the clan of BINT

“Toast Bard is a madwoman and should be banned from Tableau. She burned Ingrid’s store to the ground and made Poly’s prim baby cry. The madness must stop!” Forseti Svarog angrily stamps his foot, attempting to make himself heard over the sound of Ingrid’s tears. (She’s a very loud crier.)

Tableau burns

“All I have to say is, I don’t know who misread “located directly on active volcano” as “close to good schools and major thorough ways”, but it certainly wasn’t me.” Having a sudden coughing fit that sounds a lot like the name “NYLON,” Cory Edo leans over and blows her nose into a handkerchief. She does little to conceal her tears.

“I could personally take responsibility for God’s wrath raining hellfire down upon Tableau for reading Richard Dawkin’s “The God Delusion” while sipping margaritas that my hired ageplayers brought me on the boardwalk, as the rest of Tableau’s residents wailed and rendered their hairshirts asunder,” Cory continues, “but I won’t.”

Signs point tourists towards the refugee camp in Demersal.

“I told them. I told them ALL! I saw the signs, they didn’t want to hear it, they had their little helmets! Poly and Barnesworth were awful to me in the days before the eruption. They kept tying my shoe laces together and would scream ‘LAVA, RUN!’ followed by their horrible shrieks of laughter and, ‘crazypersonsayswhat?’

Luckily when both of Poly’s legs were crushed by a massive lava ball I was there to save her. Even though she tells me I should have just ‘let her die,’ and that ‘every time she sees my face she smells burning flesh,’ not everyone would have had the heart to save her after how she treated me. But I do.” Toast Bard went on to be diagnosed with one of the most horrific cases of PTSD known to SL later that week. She even sees Vietnam in her dreams.

Polyester Partridge’s mangled face, soon after Toast found her.

Prudish Ingrid Ingersoll gives us the full lowdown on why the volcano was so angry

“It takes sacrificial virgins to keep the gods appeased and to prevent a volcano from errupting. Sadly for us, the wasn’t a single virgin to be found on Tableau Island. We’re all tarts, Barnesworth being the most promiscuous. We didn’t stand a chance, that lava engulfed everything in it’s path. I was fortunate enough to save my store but Nylon’s, Barnesworth’s and Toast’s were completely destroyed. Better them than me though. I will mourn the loss of my betafish, Pickledickle.”

The vacant refugee camp in Demersal – reeling from the horror of Tableau?

In all, I’m sure many of us will greatly miss Tableau. As for Poly, I fully expect her to be wearing a paper bag the next time I see her. No way do I wanna see THAT. (I mean, god. In a world full of perfect SL people, why would I have to mar my experience with a messed up, volcano-mauled face?)

This is Tenshi Vielle, signing out. (P.S.: Keep an eye on Tableau for updates.)

30 Responses to “Tableau Sim Volcano Erupts — Refugees Flee to Demersal”

  1. lame article

    Feb 8th, 2007

    You have something against spirituality?
    A bit too touchy feely for you is it?

    Spirituality does not mean religion, does not mean ghostbusters, does not mean singularity BS transcendence from transhumanists etc etc

    It simply means, on a personal level, “knowing thyself” and your purpose in life. On a larger human society level it’s about how we integrate into our environment as the human race evolves – or devolves in the case of much of sl Kulture;-)

    You could say the whole climate change debate, and growing scientific support for the validity of it, is a spiritual wake up call for humanity.

    I’m not sure of the volcano article is supposed to be a funny take on this…but if so the humour didn’t quite work for me.

    Maybe you should stick to writing about bling?
    You might be better at it.

  2. Tenshi Vielle

    Feb 9th, 2007

    Speaking of sticks – I think someone has one in their ass…

  3. nimrod yaffle

    Feb 9th, 2007

    I enjoyed it. Lame, why not post with your SL name?

  4. Tenshi Vielle

    Feb 9th, 2007

    Oh, because the pretentious ass is waaaay too good for us. Oh, lord, we made a joke. *gasp* Time for some dig! Dig dig a hole!

  5. lame article

    Feb 9th, 2007

    What’s the matter Tenshi?
    You can dish it out but can’t take it?


    Feb 9th, 2007

    Tableau Sim Volcano Erupts — Refugees Flee to Demersal

    A virtual volcano erupts on the SL island of Tableau! Would be interesting to see what other natural disasters the SL environment is capable of…

  7. Nacon

    Feb 9th, 2007


  8. Khamon

    Feb 9th, 2007

    You people is so craizy.

  9. Tenshi Vielle

    Feb 9th, 2007

    Hey. At least I publish my words with my name. I am not ashamed of myself.

    And yes. We are crazy, but we like it that way- they know us here.

  10. Marilyn Murphy

    Feb 9th, 2007

    people who don’t believe in their own stance on an issue fear to post their names.
    it just indicates they already know as they post they are on thin ice and can’t back up what they say.
    it’s a boorish and tiresome practice.

  11. Marilyn Murphy

    Feb 9th, 2007

    uhmmm…. is smoted a word?

  12. Desmond Shang

    Feb 9th, 2007

    Love it!!!!

    Next time, find some virgins and keep them in reserve just in case…

  13. David Cartier

    Feb 9th, 2007

    And how do you propose to keep the virgins safe from Barnesworth?

  14. Khamon

    Feb 9th, 2007

    Better yet, where do you propose finding virgins in Second Life? What exactly *is* a virgin in Second Life?

  15. Urizenus

    Feb 9th, 2007

    Better nab them in the welcome area. Average time to deflowering in Second Life = 30 minutes.

  16. Anon

    Feb 9th, 2007

    That was funny… as soon as I read this I could sense a whole bunch of people tensing, cat-like, ready to pounce on the first person who DARED object to the trivialization of spirituality.

    Damn those objectors. If it’s funny, it’s morally inviolate.

    Now to find a really funny way to talk about 9/11…

  17. Deeeep Witte

    Feb 9th, 2007

    If I can help in any way… Maybe we should place ads in Virgin Weekly Magazine for more virgin avatars to come to SL! Maybe we should ransack World of Warcraft for their maidens…

  18. another anon who is ashamed to post her real sl identity which is really anon too

    Feb 9th, 2007

    If you are going to parody something…at least make it good humour and make sure it relates to the subject in some manner.

    As we know, humour – like that guy/gal called art, is subjective. But just like other anonymous sl game players have the right to post uber positive torleyWatermelon like yazerama posts doubling over in fits of laughter at sheer comedic genius of the article – well, I can say it was not funny to ME.

    And how it relates to the subject of poking sticks in Lidnen Labs eye for daring to step outside the bounds of cybersex and corporate brand sherpa gangbangs…well I don’t see that either.

    But hey, if you find it funny..knock yerselves out wetting yer virtual undies over it!

  19. Buhbuhcuh

    Feb 10th, 2007

    Volcanoes are sooooo 2 years ago.

  20. Nacon

    Feb 10th, 2007

    Zzzz… *mummbles* shut up…

  21. Anonymous

    Feb 10th, 2007

    hey that guy found this boring… LOOK EVERYBODY! HE THOUGHT IT WAS BORING! LOOK! SEE THE “Zzzz”??? OMG!

  22. Nacon

    Feb 10th, 2007

    Real proud of ya being anonymous, wussy noob.

  23. Clarrice Cinquetti

    Feb 10th, 2007

    Sheesh was just a bunch of people having some fun. Why does it have to relate to anything?

  24. Tenshi Vielle

    Feb 10th, 2007

    Well, either way, all of you uptight freaks, I wrote this to be a funny article. A funny article on the happenings of Tableau Island. Not religion. Not when I started writing this.

    If you don’t find this funny, then apparently our humours don’t match. STFU and go back to your Slingo. I’d like to read some decent comments, not the “god, this sucks, you guys suck, blah blah” bullshit.

  25. Lucy Tornado

    Feb 10th, 2007

    This article was hilarious. Funniest one yet. But too bad I didn’t know about this…I’m a virgin on SL. Maybe I could make some lindens getting thown into volcanos and other ceremonies of that sort.

  26. My Name is Not anyones Business but Mine

    Feb 24th, 2007

    For a Start you crazy people (Bowing to the whims of the Linden PR minder Catherine Linden – who suggested today the media get going with some spirituality in second life stories – the Herald officially kicks off our Second Life Spirituality Week!) That in itself was fair warning that this story was in NO way going to be spiritual..Next Part is that the owners of tableau were involved with the article so much so as to have pics taken of silly faces and even saying that someone was lost in the accident so who the hell can say this was this or that its between the writer and the person or persons being written about to judge, you just have to either like it or not but you cant pick it apart for reasons of “spirituality” for hells sake that comes from within, mine is mine and yours is yours and the Easter Bunnies God is Santa Claus…BUT what did piss me the hell off is the absolute horrendous reactions to those commenting without using their SL names, WTF are you nuts, one major reason not to is the fact that someone who writes comments such as the ones that followed, I wouldnt want to think that if I made a comment in a off world post that someone would then decide to get in my box and harass me, and unfortunatly in SL there are many people that would and do just that. The other thing that may or may not have escaped your notice is ITS NAME AND EMAIL ADDRESS for hells sake, there would be a minority of people in SL that have an email addy for their SL names,so explain to me why anyone would want to, if only able to use an email that could of course be directly linked to their RL names, include it in something like this… YOUR NOT THINKING also many peoples SL Names and RL email addys are in some way linked to information that if someone got more info could be in fact a way to hack an account, so next time you use the line why not use your real name USE YOURS and include it with your real email address and your REAL House you Grew up in and Pets Name and all those other basic questions that would mean one phone call to LL saying you forgot your password would mean your account is someone elses ….shakes my head your all crackers and p.s Tableau rocks whether a few tents pitched since the ‘eruption’ or the original build, was a cute and novel way im guessing to do a rebuild and a cute concept at that so focus on the intent of the story not all the crap… and spiritual person, again its within unfortunatly too many people try and push that on to others which causes this kind of reaction, what spirituality should do is increase your sense of humor not kill it off

  27. Sidney Smalls

    Feb 28th, 2007

    If your SL name and email address could be used to crack your SL account, then you don’t know what you’re doing and probably shouldn’t be on the Internet in the first place. Oh, and the email address is optional. And it’s “YOU’RE,” not “YOUR.”

  28. Sidney Smalls

    Feb 28th, 2007

    Actually not technically optional, but not verified in any way. So fill in if you want.

  29. Sidney Smalls

    Feb 28th, 2007

    Finally (for some reason I just can’t let this go) there is nobody in SL that isn’t in RL too. So this “there are people in SL who would do just that..” is just a lot of blah blah blah. It’s a lot easier finding somebody in RL than in SL and infinitely more harm can be done. So I suppose you go about your daily RL business keeping your thoughts entirely to yourself, giving out a false name to everyone you meet and perhaps wearing groucho glasses mustache as well.

    What a wuss.

  30. Korali Galland

    Feb 28th, 2007

    I pretty much doubled over reading this. My belly and face hurt afterwards. Thanks for bringing a light part to my day–and kudos to Tableau for having fun playing…. That is what SL is after all, a big playground for us all… And aren’t we lucky to be so fortunate as to have access to it!

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