The Alphaville Herald

The 5 Minute Virtual Relationship

by Pixeleen Mistral on 23/02/07 at 7:54 am

Get A Life
by Heartun Breaker, syndicated advice columnist.

(Name Withheld): hi, your avatar is pretty cute
(Name Withheld): what are u doing for live
(Name Withheld): living
Heartun Breaker: I am a high school teacher. You?
(Name Withheld): i deall with cloth i inport them
Heartun Breaker: That sounds very cool. Business is fascinating.

(VERY LONG PAUSE)

Heartun Breaker: Hey, I’m sure your friends think you are awesome… but you take too long to answer, don’t say much about yourself in your bio, and are boring the hell out of me.
(Name Withheld): hey am here just checking my mail
Heartun Breaker: This relationship is stifiling me… I NEED OUT! Gahhhhh!
(Name Withheld): what??????
Heartun Breaker: I’m so sorry… but I’m dumping you. Please, it isn’t you… it’s me. Lets still be friends, huh?
(Name Withheld): dumping?
Heartun Breaker: and I want my stuff back, but I don’t want to see you … so put it in a box and send it through a friend. And I’d better see my favorite t-shirt… you know that one you like to sleep in? If you don’t give it back you’ll never see that earring you left at my place! I swear, I’ll flush it right down the toilet!

(Name Withheld): hey what do u mean?
Heartun Breaker: You’re always arguing with me. I swear, you’re just like your mother! Criticizing me, and arguing with me… that’s all you two do. I just can’t stand it any more. I’d rather chew my own arm off than have to hear your negative crap any more! OMG, just send my stuff back. I love that Led Zepplin t-shirt!

(Name Withheld): hey do u want to buy it?
Heartun Breaker: I can’t believer you! Trying to SELL me my own Led Zepplin t-shirt? What unmitigated gall!
Heartun Breaker: You never even LIKED Led Zepplin! I always had to listen to that Jay Z crap too…. oh, and Snoop Dog? Jesus fucking hell!

(Name Withheld): did u know me before?
Heartun Breaker: Before that night in Toronto? At the film festival when we fell in love.. in a drunken night of debauchery? No. And now, looking back, I wish we had never broken into Vince Vaughn’s hotel suite and short sheeted his bed and put cellophane over his toilet seat. (Name Withheld), I so loved you then… I knew we were RIGHT for each other… and you went and spoiled it all.

(Name Withheld): are u full?
Heartun Breaker: Now you’re saying I ‘m full of shit! Jesus girl, just give me back my fucking Led Zepplin shirt. Why are you so mean?
Heartun Breaker: My god, I got my nipples pierced for you!
Heartun Breaker: And I don’t even LIKE piercings!

(Name Withheld): what do mean with all this shit?
Heartun Breaker: You never did understand me!

(Name Withheld): okay
(Name Withheld): what do u mean thebn?
Heartun Breaker: thebn?

(Name Withheld): i mean then?
(Name Withheld): do u know me before
Heartun Breaker: I don’t feel that I know you at all… not even now.

(Name Withheld): so then what are u talking about
Heartun Breaker:I’m talking about US… I’m talking about LOVE… I’ talking about what COULD HAVE BEEN!!! Why do you torture me like this?

(Name Withheld): like how
Heartun Breaker:Like how? Like, you are holding my Led Zepplin shirt “hostage” to get back at me for loving you too much! How about that “like how”?

(Name Withheld): should i send u some shirt?
Heartun Breaker: “Some” shirt? What do you mean “some” shirt? Did you … did you LOSE my Led Zepplin shirt? Oh… MY…. GOD!!!!

(VERY LONG PAUSE)

Heartun Breaker: What? Now the silent treatment? Fuck you!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!! FUCK YOU!!!! You Led Zepplin hating WHORE!!!! You’ll never see that earring. And those movies I took of us are going up on the fucking web!!

(Name Withheld): hey ill call fbi for u if u dont stop it
Heartun Breaker: Just give me back my Led Zepplin shirt. Please?

(Name Withheld): when did i take t from ypou?
(Name Withheld): talk to me
(Name Withheld): because i dont realy know what nis wrong with you
(Name Withheld): i guess you must be crazy
Heartun Breaker: We could have been so good for each other. Who would have expected it to end like this?

Leave Her or Love Her – Those Are Your Options

HEY HEARTUN ~ My first online love affair ended on what was supposed to be my wedding day — and I never saw it coming. I got a ‘dear Avatar’ note card and no real explanation. I was hurt and confused. After that I was cautious for a long time.

Then I met ‘her.’ We were friends first, doing everything — fishing, killing monsters, racing cars, clubbing, shopping and spending quiet time at home — the last one being her favorite, and I like it too! She’s even moved into my place and we share a garden at another location. It’s been wonderful to log in and have someone there for me.

The problem is I feel like I’m trapped. Every time I log on to Second Life I’m immediately greeted by and I feel smothered. I have lots of friends that I’ve introduced her to, so we now share the same friends, and I’m constantly asked where she’s at if she is not with me.

Before we met, I loved to explore new places and I haven’t done that in a long time. She seems like she has a specific agenda but she’s not talking. To make it worse, she lives in Australia and has limited bandwidth — she can’t rezz quickly after teleporting, she has inventory problems and several other frustrating issues.

This kind of stuff happens a lot and I feel obliged to keep her company. I’ve tried helping her overcome the connectivity issues but because of her remote location — those issues are here to stay.

Heartun, I think I’m having connection problems as well. ~ TAINTED LOVE

DEAR TAINTED LOVE ~ Rebound love is a sweet thing, but like cotton candy — it can make you sick if you get too much. You’ve found yourself a nice girl, and you love her for all the right reasons — but you fell in love on the rebound. That really sucks, for the both of you.

She senses in you the need for something more, and she’s trying to fill that need by occupying your every moment. She’ll try to be online all the time just so she doesn’t miss you. She’ll hang out with your (now) mutual friends when you are not there so she can better understand you and please you vicariously through your friends. Her whole world revolves around you, because she can tell she is somehow inadequate.

The real shame here is that she IS a nice girl. And you two were REALLY friends… but ‘friends with benefits’ turned into friends who won’t leave after the party is over.

It sucks, but you’ve got to let her know — in no uncertain terms — what you feel for her. Let her know that you need some space. Tell her you don’t see the two of you together 10 years from now and she deserves better. Give her the “it’s not you, its me” speech… but leave her or love her. Those are your choices. ~ HEARTUN BREAKER

Gor Gal Pal Turns Second Life Stalker Nightmare

HEY HEARTUN ~ I’m going freaking (can I say ‘fucking’ here?) nuts! I have been at Second Life for about two months now and when I first got here (oh, I’m really 27 and male from Cincinnati and am a banker) I played around with Gor for a while. It didn’t stick, but this girl I met in Ko-Ro-Ba really DID stick, if you know what I mean.

Hey, I’m sorry I came on all strong with her and all. I was recently out of a divorce and new to all this online crap. Anyway, when I broke it off with her I tried to explain that I just wasn’t comfortable with where were were going and that she was a nice girl — but I just got in too fast and too deep. At first she seemed to take it well, but then I noticed that when I was at some of my favorite hangouts she would just be there watching me. I muted her, but she knows where I hang out.

Yesterday while I was playing Tringo at the IceDragon (shout out to mah peeps! woot!) she was sitting behind me! Worse than that she IMs people I know and asks them to forward messages to me. I can’t ditch this alt, because I have a lot of friends now. And I don’t think its right that I gotta stop going to my regular hang outs. What the hell? ~ REBOUND LOTHARIO

DEAR REBOUND LOTHARIO ~ What is it about Gor that attracts you post-divorce idiots? (Note to Goreans opening emails now: The prior statement does not say all Goreans are post-divorce idiots… so cool your jets.)

Look at it from the girls perspective. She’s needy and feels inadequate in her life and finds a very structured world where she is valued. Sometimes she is valued in exact terms by having a blue book value in the Gorean slave market. Other times she is valued for performing hours of loving labor like sweeping a house or doing dishes. Men want her! And she never has to think for herself, which makes her feel good. Then you show up, pretend to see that special “her” that no one else can see — and now doing the dishes doesn’t quite hold the same attraction for her that it once did.

Then you back away. Why wouldn’t she stalk the shit out of you? You practically begged for it!

You say you don’t want to ditch your current avatar’s account so you can take this one of two ways. The mature thing to do is to ignore her and wait for her to just go away. If she’s ignored, you know she eventually will withdraw to some place safe — like Gor. Then there’s the Gorean way of ditching her.

Start playing in Ko-Ro-Ba. Make up with her. Enslave her. Then sell her to someone who won’t allow her to talk with you. As I understand it she would have to obey her new master or be subjected to group punishment. ~ HEARTUN BREAKER

If you have a question for “Get a Life” just email HeartunBreaker@gmail.com. All submissions become the property of HeartunBreaker.com. We reserve the right to edit submissions for brevity and clarity. No ‘real’ or ‘game’ names will be published. No part of this service may be reproduced in any form without the express written permission of Heartun Breaker, except that an individual may download and/or forward articles via e-mail to a reasonable number of recipients for personal, non-commercial purposes.