The Voyeur — Reverend Lee’s Fall from Grace
by wendell on 19/12/07 at 8:55 pm
Answers to your questions about love and sex in the metaverse
by Wendell Holmer, virtual advice columnist
Q: Several months ago, I met an attractive woman in the club that I manage and we began cybering, I convinced her to host in my club and other associated clubs and now we were partnered. This has been a very good arrangement for me. She has changed her RL schedule to be available to me for cybering any time I ask and she has solved several of my host problems at the club.
I think, however, that this woman has become confused. She believes we are in love in RL and she wants to meet face to face. I am a married man and a minister. The woman has convinced herself that there is no love in my RL marriage. She also seems to believe that she can come here, my wife will step aside, and she can take her place next to me in front of my congregation.
This is completely out of the question. I’ve been trying to tell her this, but she hears or reads what she wants to hear or read. I went as far as to try and leave SL a few weeks ago. She became so deranged that I was afraid she’d show up at my home or congregation unannounced. I’m sure that she’s used the details that I (now regrettably) have told her over these months to Google exact information on me.
I continue to stay with her and cyber to keep her happy and away from my RL, but I am worried that I’ll soon receive a phone call from her saying she’s here and checked into motel in my town.
How do I rid myself of this unbalanced woman without wrecking my marriage and my career as a minister?
–Reverend Lee
A: Ask her if she’s seen the Herald today.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that Second Life is a game, where your actions have no consequences. It is really just a medium in which you interact with other people, and the bonds you form here can be intimate and powerful, as you’ve discovered.
You are a married man who regularly has sex with another woman. If she is confused, it’s because you encouraged or permitted her to develop those ideas. You obviously told her you loved her and went as far as entering into partnership. You combined your social and work lives. You probably shared a fantasy in which you would meet in real life (everyone does). You let her think there was a deficit in your marriage that only she could fill. You painted an attractive picture of the rose covered manse you inhabit. Naturally she wants to move in. It’s time you entered Wendell’s six-step program.
First, stop fucking her. Gentlemen do not have sex with “deranged” or “unbalanced” women.
Second, tell the woman as directly and kindly as you can that you are ending the relationship. Budget a couple of hours for this conversation, and be prepared to own up to your part in creating impossible expectations. Explain that you were swept away, just as she was. You initially felt you were playing a game. Your guard was down, and you both experienced feelings of an intensity you could not have anticipated. But you are married, and you are going to stay married, and this has to end now.
Third, get the hell out of Second Life. Cold turkey. Just delete the program. You can’t handle it. As for the club, give it to her and let her run it herself if she wants.
Fourth, most denominations have some sort of counseling available for ministers with personal problems—whether they relate to substance or sexual addictions. These sessions are confidential, and you should absolutely make an appointment. There are also online resources. I can’t tell from your letter whether you are capable of having an affair with a member of your congregation. You need to find that out, or you may do some real harm.
Fifth, if you really believe this woman may find you in real life, you’d better tell your wife. Budget substantially more than two hours for this. You don’t want her to be surprised, and you don’t want to go through this alone. You’ll probably need marriage counseling so your wife can come to terms with what happened and learn to trust you again.
Sixth, you don’t need to let this end your career. There is no reason to make a public confession. You don’t know how this is going to play out. Your lover may not pursue you into real life. If she does, there is still some effort involved for her or your church to obtain your records from Linden Labs. For now, keep your head down and hope for the best.
Meanwhile, folks, keep sending your questions towendellholmer@aol.com.
Slowpoke
Dec 19th, 2007
HAY GUYS PHILLIP ROSEDALE ANNOUNCED THAT SECONDLIFE ISN’T A GAME. OBVIOUSLY NOT A PLAY TO ATTRACT GULLIBLE COMPANIES AMIRITE?
anon
Dec 19th, 2007
Hahaha, you’re FUCKED NOW SIR.
Lao-Tzu
Dec 19th, 2007
@ Rev : You cheated on your wife. Uninstall SL. Do not blame the adultery on an “unbalanced woman”. Learn from this mistake. Move on. Oh- Merry Christmas
GOD ALMIGHTY!
Dec 20th, 2007
ya goin ta HELL boy! gonna BURN! gonna be eaten endlessly by tooffy furry monxtorz! gonna be berled in earl endlessly! then yer goin to the special place where giant demons with giant barbed bits use you for a boi toi for all eternity!
Micheru Mathys
Dec 20th, 2007
This is precisely why I don’t partake in monogamistic relationships.
SOMEONE always messes up. Someone ALWAYS ends up crying, until they decide to simply ignore that what happened happened (and pretend it didn’t), or break up.
Apollonia
Dec 20th, 2007
For a Minister that preaches the doctrine of love – you seem pretty cold hearted to use this woman. “She has made herself available for cyber any time I ask” – you have no issues with turning a real person into a fuckdoll?
Ladies and Gentlemen – this is yet another reason why I take pride in my atheism. I don’t need a book to tell me that twisting other people around is wrong. Its common fucking sense.
I hope she turns up and boils your bunny, good Sir.
Hilary
Dec 20th, 2007
I have some sympathy for the Reverend Lee. When we arrive in SL, it’s a new world, and it’s not obvious what the rules are, or even that there are rules or consequences. We can all be beautiful people – some of the clothes are wonderful, and cost Lindens (i.e. Pennies in Real Life), and all kinds of stuff comes for free. You can go into the wildest places and not feel unsafe. You can talk to people and know that they can’t find you in Real Life (as long as you’re very careful about what you tell them). In other words, you can do stuff here that you would never do in Real Life.
That’s where things get awkward. There’s a whole new set of morals and ethics and stuff. It’s not the same as RL, but it’s there, as the Reverend has discovered. I found it too. Although I’m married, I’ve tried cybering, and as long as the person was just an avatar that didn’t seem much of a problem. However, when one relationship turned into friendship, I felt rather unfaithful. Fortunately I haven’t got into a position (like the Reverend’s) that is difficult to get out of.
I think Wendell gives good advice. When you get into a problem situation, you have to make some hard decisions, and you have to figure out what’s important to you. You’ll probably need to let someone down, and this may include people you love, but if you go about it in a thoughtful way, you can limit the damage.
It could be useful to alert newcomers to some of the pitfalls of SL. I’m not sure what a good platform would be, though. The SL Wiki? Here? Wendell’s advice column? Does anyone have any ideas? It might be good to alert people that there are pitfalls before they get into trouble.
anon
Dec 20th, 2007
Hilary: are you stupid?
PRO TIP: DON’T HAVE E-SEX WHEN YOU’RE MARRIED
PRO TIP #2: IF YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE E-SEX WHEN YOU’RE MARRIED DON’T DO IT WITH ANYONE WHO IS BATSHIT INSANE
Pitfalls avoided! It seems the good citizens of Sexand Life lack even a modicum of what we in First Life call common sense.
Rev. Kaela
Dec 20th, 2007
I’m sorry, but no real life minister would post such a thing. He’d risk his career, family etc. While it is very sad that some do engage in pornographic behaviors, most are most ashamed of it. Those that are not and continue to promote Christianity are indeed suffering from some sort of internal conflict and as such, are not fit to pastor for the moment.
This is truly disheartening that SL Reports, known for their more outrageous stunts, would attempt to further damage the reputation of those who work to love others, share the Good News, and help make this world a better place.
Mari
Dec 20th, 2007
GREAT answer! This man posed as a moral man and took advantage of a mental woman not only for cybering but to work in his clubs. I wonder if he even paid her for running his clubs? How many of her own moral rules did she break to be with him? OMG, she changed her RL to sit and wait to cyber with him! She’s STUPID as well as CRAZY.
Prokofy Neva
Dec 20th, 2007
I’m failing to understand what religion this minister is representing that he would find the idea of cybering online to be “ok” from the get-go, and to keep justifying it even when all the warning signs were there. Unitarianism? His own self-styled off-shoot of some TV evangelism?
Sexual relations through Second Life still constitute sex. The orgasm wasn’t virtual, was it? So this is even more than one of those Jimmy Carter style situations where you “committed adultery in your mind” because you actually communicated with this person more realistically than you would on the telephone, with visual images.
Wendell Holmer
Dec 20th, 2007
Rev. Kaela–
All I can tell you is that I received this e-mail and posted it as written. I can’t verify that the man is really a minister, but it does ring true. Before answering, I did some research, and this is not a unique situation. The Herald did not concoct this as an attack on people of faith. We don’t have to make things up. You folks provide us with plenty of material.
janeforyou Barbara
Dec 20th, 2007
This has happend before,it happens every day and will happen again.. no news to me.
I been round for some times and seen dramas simular to this weekly,SL can be wery intense, be carefull, i seen relation in here lead to RL divorce, famely braking up, but i also seen cuples meeting RL and living a good life,, there are all kins of relation in SL, learn to use it right and you be happy
DaveOner
Dec 20th, 2007
I think she SHOULD show up in front of his congregation some sunday. That’d be doing both him and his congregation a favor!
You know he’s neglecting his pastorial duties (not to mention his family) if he has enough time to go on SL and start up a club and have fake computer sex on command like that. Her showing up would probably give this bastard the kick in the ass he needs to straighten his shit out.
Rev Blak Hax
Dec 20th, 2007
To the person who claims no minister would do that is sadly mistaken.
Why dont you claim priests dont touch little boys, and televangelists dont scam people?
I myself am an ordained minister, yet there are article in this very tabloid accusing me of rape.
Now to the advice part.
Deny till You DIE!!
Tell the wife its just some crazy bitch stalking you from the internet, it’ll be easy.
Explain how people in second life take the GAME (and it is a game) way too seriously, they sometimes neglect their children, hygiene and other real life aspects in order to further their Second Life.
You just wanted to experience running a night club, something a minister cant really no, nothing to be ashamed of. Do you think real Night Club owners dont have crazy stalkers too?
You’re in the clear. Dont even sweat it. Only bother mentioning it to the wife if the bitch actually shows up.
I mean what normal person would be arroused by some pixelated avatars and text on their screen right????? Your wife will believe you.
Common Sense
Dec 20th, 2007
Simple -
have her clipped.
OR
Hire / get someone else to seduce her – she’s derranged, right? Then ‘catch her in the act’ and flip out and dump her.
ho ho ho.
get it?
Infocyde
Dec 20th, 2007
Rev,
Don’t you remember where Jesus about thinking about adultery is the same as committing it? You may want to think about stepping back from the ministry. God isn’t in what you are doing, or if He is He is despite you, not because of you. At the same time, we are all sinners, and Second Life is an easy trap for many of us to fall into. You need to get right with God, your wife, and then with the woman who you used to fulfill your virtual fantasies in Second Life with. You may loose your ministry, actually you should hope that you loose it, because if you do that means that God really was in your ministry, you weren’t just preaching junk to keep people’s ears tickled. But when the smoke clears, you will be stronger, and God will use you again. Or at least that is my take from a Christian who has fallen into the same trap in the past that you have fallen into. Good advice from a lot of people here, if you can’t handle SL, get out. I had to for a while when I got married because I didn’t want to do anything that would hurt my wife. You should leave for a while, if not permanently, too.
Virtual infidelity is going to be a huge issue in our bright new century. We are all accountable for our actions, be they virtual or done in the real, and we will all have to give an account to the creator of what our real and virtual avatars have done in this life.
And as an after thought, I hope this article is contrived. A minister should not be so blind and ignorant as to commit such sin and the brazenly post a blog about it. Sounds fake. But if not, my advice stands.
Penny Sautereau
Dec 20th, 2007
Rev Kaela; Ministers of any faith are like everyone else; They’re human. And human beings fuck up. Human beings do stupid things. That he admits he’s a minister doesn’t automatically make his question a bullshit ploy to discredit all preachers etc. It makes him a human being who did something stupid and is being brave enough to ask advice on how to get out of the hole he dug himself. In a world where a percentage of all Catholic Priests that’s a double digit figure are caught being child molesters, you’re circling the wagons because a man who electronically cheats admits his vocation? You really need to sit down and realize two things;
1) Admitting the fact that Ministers are fallible human beings is NOT an attack on the religion itself.
@) Denying Ministers this basic acceptance of their human failings and semi-deifying them does FAR more damage to your religion when they break under the weight of their expectations and do stupid things in REAL LIFE, than a preacher who jerks off safely in front of a computer where the only person he’s really hurting is his wife when she finds out.
Think about that.
As for the Rev himself? Drive to another town and get a hooker. Chances are your wife will be likelier to forgive that if your found out, than you getting partnered online and sharing an actual business where real money is made. To your wife that might seem like a whole second marriage you’ve been hiding from her. I agree with our SL Dear Abby; Get off SL, right now.
SqueezeOne Pow
Dec 20th, 2007
I’ll have to strongly disagree with the last part of the advice given by this guy.
A real minister would confess this publicly and take what he deserves. He should ask his wife for forgiveness and start looking at why he would do such things behind her back in the first place.
It’s better to admit to something before it blows up in your face. How much worse will you look when not only has it been found out that you had been doing all this stuff but that you had ALSO been trying to conceal it and get away scott free?
And again if this is actually a minister of a Christian church he’ll know these ones right here: “Be sure your sin will find you out” and “What’s done in the darkness comes out in the light”
Either way, the tone of the letter implies that he doesn’t feel guilty for anything other than the notion of getting caught. Until he realizes what the hell he’s actually doing he’ll get caught eventually. He might slip through this situation but eventually he’ll get sloppy and everything will fall apart for him.
This type of thing is why my family and I stopped going to church. There are just too many shady people that are too comfortable in their positions of authority in most churches that think they can get away with mean shit and still have a leg to stand on when telling others how to live.
Bible.
Dec 20th, 2007
There is a cold dark place in hell for you, ‘reverend’ lee.
God doesn’t smile on this behavior.
Its a shame that a ‘minister’ would try to cover up such evil and sick behavior.
Malachi Rothschild
Dec 20th, 2007
Reverend Lee:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ubD75ZcIRmU
Blak Hax
Dec 21st, 2007
@Penny the fat tranny
“As for the Rev himself? Drive to another town and get a hooker. Chances are your wife will be likelier to forgive that if your found out, than you getting partnered online and sharing an actual business where real money is made. To your wife that might seem like a whole second marriage you’ve been hiding from her”
You really are fucking dumb arent you? or maybe you’ve just been playing way too much second life.
Im pretty sure she’d be able to forgive some stupid game over having sex with a prostitute. I mean if he was playing counter strike or WOW he wouldnt confess his kills to the police…..
His wife probably has no comprehension about how people in SL form a tra-la-la Fantasy in their head to escape their shitty real life.
The guy can play it off as he thought it was a harmless game and didnt realize there were other players with mental problems in the game who use it to make up for the serious shortcomings in their Real Life.
I agree with the other idiots posting though, You should delete second life. You’re addicted and its gonna fuck up your real life.
If they invented a version of SL you could plug into your brain (real life simulation, not the chopping laggy peice of shit today) they’d have to ban it. It would fuck up society worse than if everybody had a crack addiction.
Shraud Deadlight
Dec 21st, 2007
I’m not even going to *imagine* plugging a LL designed jack into the back of my head Matrix-style… At least not until they can keep my shoes from ending up in my butt everytime I tp!
Oh, and Merry Christmas, coppertops :0).
moses
Dec 21st, 2007
well, you will have to meet with her in person and then kill her. Then bury her body in the desert. then you have to shoot yourself on live television because obviously you are a moron. the rest of us will be very grateful.
Moody Loner (MoodyLoner Korobase)
Dec 21st, 2007
This is one of those Second Life Herald articles that make me stop and and ask myself deep, philosophical questions.
No, not about the nature of Second Life versus Real Life, but about why I keep inflicting this on myself.
Articles like this are like the people in my gaming group meeting me in the mall and wondering why I don’t eldritch blast things that piss me off. It’s like hitting on the topless shopkeeper in Champions of Norrath. I’m a D&D player – I’m the one that’s supposed to be having difficulty with that whole fantasy/reality thing.
One thing I do know about your situation, good Reverend, is that now you’ve learned your lesson. About taking your personal life to the advice column at Second Life Herald, at any rate.
Okay, stepping away from the Festivus pole. Happy holidays, y’all.
Overcast
Dec 22nd, 2007
Should have clarified from the start, you wanted to keep it ‘in game’.
corona
Dec 24th, 2007
It reads like a made up joke article
but I guess SL is strange and varied enough that the Herald does not need to make anything up
but if true then this person needs to separate fantasy from reality
on the other hand a ‘minister’ presumably believes in ‘God’ so would clearly have difficulty doing so in the first place
However this does not excuse behaviour the results of which should have been plain to anyone
whether atheist or religious -marriage is an oath of allegiance to someone
the minister should take solace in that ‘god’ is supposedly all forgiving
however is wife is not ‘god’ and therefore is probably not
corona
Dec 24th, 2007
A married man and a minister has free time to play SL ?
being a married man should take up 55% of your time
and writing sermons denouncing ‘sinners’ should take up the other 55%
and yet you find time to run a club in SL ?
As I heard it the religious were supposed to devote their time in SL to proselytising
if you really beleive in ‘God’ maybe it is teaching you a lesson in something