The Alphaville Herald

A Snail’s Tale

by kris on 23/05/08 at 7:03 pm

by Happy Trails – survivalist snail

There are 10,000 ugly snails in the big sim.  I’m one of them- they call me Trails.  This is my story.

I was out one night, minding my own business; hanging with my best girl, Escargot.  Pretty little french snail.  I’ve been working on her a long time, and I thought this would be the night I got her out of her shell.  We were in a seedy little bar on the west side, and I was on my 3rd vodka martini, while she drank strawberry margaritas (no salt).

We were getting pretty shit-faced when we slithered out of the bar.  It all seems clear now, but was so hazy at the time.  I remember her shell was already 1/2 off and she was ready for action.  This was going to be my big night.  That’s when it happened.  The canning jar scooped us up, and before I could turn my head, the lid was on.

Although my head was spinning from the martinis and the bottle of jack daniels I had for breakfast this morning, I could see clearly through the jar, as it acted like a magnifying glass for me.  We were being taken to the french cooking school.  That could only mean one thing: Pixeleen was having another cooking lesson.

I passed out for awhile, and when I came to, Escargot was all the way in her shell shaking, and the lid was loose on the jar.  I could smell the scent of garlic butter and hear the sizzle of the frying pan nearby.

In the jar next to me I recognized the old gang: Fatboy, Speedy, George.  They sat there awaiting their untimely demise.  Not for me.

Mustering up all the slime I could excrete, I moved up the side of the jar.  Escargot saw what I was doing and began to follow.  That dame has a lot of class.  Just as I had thought, the lid was sitting on top loose, in preperation for our ‘preperation’.  Up came the lid and we were over the side.

We made for the back of the butter dish, as I lagged behind to brush away our trail.  We had just gotten behind the butterdish when I heard Pix exclaim "Dam!  I’m two snails short!  Good thing I’ve got this fat one..". 

Poor Fatboy.  It was my lucky night though.  Escargot was so grateful, she dropped the shell and rolled in the butter.  We made our escape the next morning