Son of the Snail: Walking Small

by kris on 20/06/08 at 9:40 am

by Happy Trails, Private Eye


I was sitting back in my office sipping on my Jack Daniels, my head still spinning from the three Gin & Tonics, 7 Screwdrivers, and 3 Dirty Mothers from last night when the front door opened.  In walked this dame that made my breath jump up and dance around.  I hid the Jack back in the desk drawer and invited her to sit.

"Hello, my name is Lulz….Lulz Anon.  I heard you might be able to help me."

"Do go on, Miss", I said in a calm tone.

"It’s my husband, Amos- he’s missing".

I called Escargot over to take notes while we talked.  She made a file folder for the A section….Anon, Amos…how appropriate.

"When’s the last time you saw Amos, Ms. Anon?"

"Call me Lulz, everyone calls me Lulz.  It’s been five days now.  I’ve tried filing a report with the police but as far as I can tell, they’ve done nothing."

This was one slick looking snail; pretty little red shell just barely covered her body.  I wondered why a guy would leave a dame like that…every move she made was sexy, every word she spoke was poetry.  I immediately suspected foul play.

"My husband is a wonderful man; he never caused anyone any grief.  I certainly hope he is safe somewhere."

I watched as she dabbed under her eyes with a hankie.  She continued describing her husband like he was going to be the next Catholic Saint.  The way she talked the guy never made a mistake in his life.  I got a description and a photo from her- typical snail…small and slimy, hiding under his shell.  A regular snail-Adonis.

"Does he have any relatives?"

"He has a brother still living- Al"

"Al Anon?"

"Yes, that’s right"

That name made me cringe.  Al Anon was a notorious underground figure here in the big sim…and a known teetotaler.  Ya always gotta be suspicious of a snail that doesn’t drink.  Guys like that think their slime doesn’t stick; I’d like to bump into him with a shaker of salt in a dark alley!

"Has he ever had any girlfriends that you know of?"

"No!  He would never do that to me…"

"How about friends that are girls?"

"Well, there was this one girl named Corona…but I don’t think they were friends..I think they just liked to argue a lot."

"Do you know where I can find this ‘Corona’?"

"She runs a business with her partner over on 48th…Corona & Lime"

"She’s Lime Rickey’s partner?"

"Yes, that’s her."

"Ok, doll, I’ll take the case.  Ms. Escargot has some paperwork for you to fill out and will collect the retainer.  If you think of anything else that might help, let us know as soon as possible."

"Oh, thank you Mr. Trails!"

"Just Trials, doll…everyone calls me Trails."

The game was afoot, and this snail was ready to play.

5 Responses to “Son of the Snail: Walking Small”

  1. Please please please

    Jun 20th, 2008

    Why is this rag insisting on allowing these incredibly stupid articles to be posted? Dear author, you are far from funny. Please stop.

  2. V.F

    Jun 21st, 2008

    dear author, tis is a newspaper not a short story forum, please send your incredibly boring work somewhere else

  3. rgbaxter

    Jun 21st, 2008

    Great story do far, all the snail stories have been quite amusing, keep it up, I know a lot of peeps that like to follow the articles.

    And to V, many many newspapers carry short stories of fiction, they have to keep their readership up whatwith everything going online. It works well and I’m sure its doing the same here.

  4. Carmen

    Jun 22nd, 2008

    If you dont like it dont read it!

  5. Merryann

    Jun 24th, 2008

    I agree: if you don’t like it, don’t read it. I enjoy the stories and look forward to more.

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