Son of the Snail: The Mock Snail

by kris on 13/07/08 at 7:21 pm

By Happy Trails, Private Dick


Night was falling on the big sim.  It was another warm evening, with few if any clouds.  As a matter of fact, I can’t remember the last time it rained here; maybe the night Frankenschnail disappeared.  I was out pounding the pavement, looking for clues on Amos Anon’s disappearance.  Earlier I had stopped by public records, but could not find a marriage certificate for Amos and Lulz.  They could have been married off the sim though, so I inquired as to his birth certificate.  That’s when I got more than I bargained for; the birth certificate said he was stillborn.  I pulled up the whole family- Amos and Al had a sister, Anna.  Amos, Anna and Al Anon were part of a 100 snail litter to Alfred and Audrey Anon.  Out of that litter only Al and Anna made it to adulthood.  So who was Amos?  Where was the marriage certificate?  Why was Al playing along with this…or was he…

I decided the answer could lie in bottom of a bottle, and slid my way over to Corona and Lime’s.  I decided to play it cool and pretend I was a customer… engage Corona in conversation and see where it led.  Maybe I could learn something that she wouldn’t tell a private dick.

When I arrived the place was packed.  I was lucky to get a seat at the bar.  I thought I’d start off easy tonight and order a beer.

"We don’t serve beer here- only hard liquor", said Rickey.

"OK, pour me a jack and leave the bottle."

Lime Ricky smiled as he collected the cash.  He gave a sign to Corona, who eventually worked her way over to my seat.

"New here, aren’t you?" she said.

"Yeah, I usually drink over near the cooking school, but there was this ‘incident’ a little while ago, so I’m looking for a new hangout".

Corona adjusted her position next to me to where her skin was touching mine- not a lot, just enough to notice.  We started off talking about the weather and worked our way into exotic sexual positions for snails. Next thing ya know, we were up in her apartment testing the bedsprings.

"I think I’ve seen you around before", I said, as we lit up our Marlboro’s, "Seems like I remember you and this Amos guy having some words in public once."

"You know Amos?" she said, looking surprised.

"Not really, just seen him around…said hi once in awhile.  Come to think of it, I haven’t seen him around in a few days."

"He said something about going on a business trip to Cuba", she mumbled, "Something about cigars".

"He’s in the import business?” I remarked.

"He’s in the ‘Amos’ business.  He’ll do anything for a few bucks."

"You two lovers?" I inquired.

"Ha! I wish.  We’d get close to mating and he’d up and run off."

"Maybe he missed his wife?"

"He’s not married."

I had a sudden urge to go to Cuba.

6 Responses to “Son of the Snail: The Mock Snail”

  1. Can we please move on?

    Jul 13th, 2008

    Alright, this is really getting stupid. Can you guys please come up with something new?

  2. Darien Caldwell

    Jul 14th, 2008

    I guess SLH is having a slow day.. (get it? Slow…Snail…) O.o

  3. General Cronon

    Jul 14th, 2008

    Stop letting retard emos write for the paper. Get a joke book!

  4. Tenshi Vielle

    Jul 14th, 2008

    Hey, lay off. This is Garrison Keillor material right here, folks.

  5. Becca Imako

    Jul 15th, 2008

    What about Escargot? She needs to kick Happy’s butt for sleeping with Corona!

  6. Source of codeine.

    Smoking codeine. Codeine.

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