Noobie to SLebrity in No Time!
by aaliyah on 27/08/07 at 11:25 pm
3 super-secret tips for finding a job, better lovers, and fabulous dick-free fun to get your SL bangin’!!!
by Aaliyah Munro, professional sex/love/advice expert
New residents. They ask a million questions, look like science fair rejects, and their typical conversations usually end in offers for sex. Some may say that these pesky guests are vital to SL’s existence, but with loads of bugs, monster lag, and the flashy new voice chat doohickey, who needs them? In any event, I have ventured into the world of noobdom for this week’s advice, and after being bombarded with loads of nonsense, have found three diamonds in the rough.
Q- I’ve noticed that there are not a lot of jobs here. What can I do besides camping to earn money? SB
A- Well, SB- although this is not a LOVE/SEX/RELATIONSHIP question, I’ll take a crack at it. One of the easiest ways I’ve found to find a gig is by browsing job boards online (there is a good one via SL Profiles), or simply perusing the classified using your Search function. Another good way is to look for club openings, and find out if they need additional help. If you’re artistically inclined, create and/or build something to sell in SL. When all else fails, add a credit card to your account and fund your pursuits like the rest of us.
Q- I am having trouble finding a nice guy to talk to. Most of them just ask me for sex! I’ve tried to talk to the better looking guys, but they don’t pay attention to me. What can I do? NM
A- NM, I am going to clue you in on something. You look like a noob, and most dudes find Ruth (the glitch default character) to be unattractive. Not to be shallow, but perhaps you should invest a little more time altering your appearance, purchasing a new skin, good hair, and some snazzy gear. I would feed you the "its all about personality" garbage, but you’ve found out firsthand that its not. When cruising for dudes, try looking outside of the Popular Places, which are teeming with guys looking for sex and money. Instead, explore the world, and converse with those that share your interests- I’ve found that far easier than forcing a conversation on an unwilling subject. You’ll meet someone eventually, but your main focus right now should be on learning how to navigate the world; have fun- your Mr. SLRight is out there.
Q- How do I get a penis? Why don’t I already have one? Can I have sex without it? Wanna have sex? From a random assortment of eager noobs
A- I’m not a Linden, and am therefore not qualified to tell you why you don’t have a dick. A few things I can advise you on are the basics; yes, you can have sex without genitals (just sit on the poseballs), but a lot of places offer genitalia for free. If you happen to have some L$s, I’d advice you to take the trek over to Xcite- those are my personal favs, and are pretty fun to use. As far as me having sex with you- it’ll be a cold day in hell before you even catch sight of my pretty brown round. Find some noob chick and bang her out- most are more than willing to have their SL virginity snatched away by the hands of a dick with no dick.
So that’s it. Again, send your questions and death threats to aaliyah.munro@gmail.com , and I’ll give you advice or find you and whip your ass. Either way, we’ll have fun! ;o)
SomethingElse
Aug 27th, 2007
I know a great way to make money, write crummy articles for the SLherald as some stupid gorean roleplayer with no typing skillz.
Angel
Aug 28th, 2007
>> but a lot of places offer genitalia for free.
Or… make your own, it has to be prettier than shiny newb cock. *shivers*
>> I’d advice you to take the trek over to Xcite- those are my personal favs, and are pretty fun to use.
If you like clickety-click sex! Personally I prefer to not even touch them
Strongly emoted sex is far more fun and rewarding than a few FPS like mouse movements.
humanoid
Aug 28th, 2007
It’s depressing to hear noobs ask for a job right after they’ve logged in. Is that what SL has done for online recreation- turned it into work? I create things and sell them because it is fun. If it ever became a ‘job’ in the conventional sense, I’d quit.
Observer
Aug 28th, 2007
Aaliyah, you’re an idiot. Xcite iare the best? You’re drunk and stupid. Yay… Clicky sex.
Ann Otoole
Aug 28th, 2007
Newcomers can stop by Unique Needs! for a free avatar makeover. Thousands have already. And the skins are good enough to get a job with. These kits are upgraded as I find or make better items to go in them. Sorry no free male genitalia.
Advertiser Oh
Aug 28th, 2007
Ann yOtoole – I know you are aware of what happens to people who blatantly self-advertise in comments here don’t you?
Go back to your impotent bitchin’ at the lindens on their blog.
…or did they warn you about self-promoting there too?
Here’s a novel idea Ann – BUY A FREAKIN’ AD LIKE THE REST OF US!
A quick tip for noobs – if you see someone self-promoting their store in comments, its most likely a trap. If you don’t get robbed of all the L$s you have, you’ll end up scrubbing her floors for L$1 an hour – or worse.
Second Lulz Vigilante
Aug 28th, 2007
Better Answers:
“How do I get a penis?”
If all you’re here for is cybersex odds are you’ll be gone in 6 months anyway. So why should I bother helping you acquire a dick?
“Why don’t I already have one?”
Hey noob, are we talking about SL or RL here? lol!
“Can I have sex without it?”
It’s not real sex. It’s just you and somebody else fapping to pics on a screen so your question is worthless.
“Wanna have sex?”
Quit bothering my female friends and go fapp to some videos on YouPorn, ya worthless little crayola-skinned hobgoblin.
Horny noobs: The cancer that is killing SL.
@Aaliyah Munro
“If you happen to have some L$s, I’d advice you to take the trek over to Xcite- those are my personal favs, and are pretty fun to use.”
codec bragged to me that the PN have a penis device that also emits annoying green text over and over again. I’d say this is evidence that the PN members are slowly being assimilated into SL fappery.
Jessica Holyoke
Aug 28th, 2007
not sure if my earlier comment went through…..
I always wanted to ask this, but it seems awkward. If you’re a male avatar, and you don’t want to have SL sex, do you still try to get a penis attachment?
mootykips
Aug 28th, 2007
This reminded me of World of Warcraft guides.
hay bbl im grinding Second Life 0-cyber in like a week lolz
tired of dumb noobs
Aug 29th, 2007
“It’s depressing to hear noobs ask for a job right after they’ve logged in. Is that what SL has done for online recreation- turned it into work? I create things and sell them because it is fun. If it ever became a ‘job’ in the conventional sense, I’d quit.”
Agreed. $20 US gets you a bit over $5000L, which can go pretty far. This translates into approximately 14 euros, approximately $24 Australian, about $21 Canadian, and almost ten pounds. If this amount of money is enough to break you financially, it’s time to get off the computer and get a real job.