The Alphaville Herald

The Road to the Byte House

by Alphaville Herald on 24/07/07 at 8:36 am

All chickens will have pot and steroids

Jimbo Quality provides an update on the state of his campaign to become President of Second Life or something. We’re not sure. You won’t be either.

by Jimbo Quality, presidential candidate

It was troubling to go skipping and whistling past the jugs where we hold the reader comments down at the Herald and see the jug for the story on noodie people not even half full. I looked to the bird cage. Bird shrugged to say that he hadn’t taken them. The little s.o.b. is a liar so I checked his cage and he wasn’t lying, his cage was still lined with my last story. Yeah, there really is a bird involved when someone here says that “a little birdie told me.” Don’t trust the bird, he’s a dick.

Next day we posted a story about peoples and animals, illustrated even. Comment jug doesn’t even burp it’s so empty.

We’re talking peoples and animals with pictures. They’d even made me drag up the extra huge comment jug from the basement when this one started bouncing around the office. We all stood around looking at the jug waiting for a big glop of comments. Well, me and the bird did, anyhow. All that happened is some guys over at TechCrunch start saying beasts might wear knickers in Second Life. I knew something was amiss. Then, Tenshi posted an article.

When that hit the web we all dove under furniture. Those of us who, uh, well, live at the Herald offices, have learned to clear the decks when Tenshi tosses her special wad of language into the newstubes because often afterwards there’s a big mess over by the fans. This time, the unfamiliar sound of people agreeing with Tenshi. I love Tenshi because she’s the only writer who hasn’t hit me at a meeting but her place near the top in the nasty comment board is a much coveted trophy that we’re all aware of. This time, nothing. Two comments, tepid at best. [next time we’ll run pictures with dog drool -the Editrix]

Then I figured out what it was. The All-Star Break.

I’m down with that. Y’all are taking a few weeks in July to chill and appreciate the exploits of those of us stars still going strong. Happy to oblige. Let me tell you what I’ve been up to while you rest up for your usual comment board superheroics when the season kicks back in again.

Well, here’s what I’m doing on my road to the Presidency. First I went on steroids.

‘roid raging Jimbo before and after

Why you ask? Why the heck not say I. It has worked for the pros, it will work for me. As you’ve seen in the pictures here, my new, ripped physique is more reflective of the strong leadership I plan to offer. I plan to rule with an iron chef.

Fear not. My internationally known glorious and resplendent glutes remain unchanged.

Intermission: Take a break here from reading and stop by the Herald Headquarters in Hyperborea and pick up official Jimbo For President stuff. Big pictures of my butt are L$1 and so are a two pack of crappy t-shirts with my face on it. I think you can get the President sign free. The vendors are under the stairs where I sleep. [Jimbo, we aren’t going to let you sleep under the stars anymore if you keep teaching the bird those words. You KNOW which words. -the Editrix. ]

I’ve been working hard on my campaign. For the past month or so I’ve been trying to track down someone who will be Secretary of Education when I’m president, because the person I’m tracking is hot and I kinda like that whole hot teacher thing. I had my heart set on that goddess of a Wonder Woman who was in that story about the people who dress up as superheroes here. She wouldn’t return my many calls. I finally had a try-out for replacement Wonder Women. It didn’t go well.

unsuitable Wonder Women

Thus was born campaign platform position #1; When I’m president, suitable Wonder Women will get a weekly stipend. The two in the picture would not be considered “suitable.”

I’m still working on the rest, but I’m close to having a stand on several issues. Like I agree with former U.S. President Henry Harrison Ford who said there should be “Pot for Every Chicken.” I think this would be cool. If chickens like pot, then they should get it.

Hell, we all should get it. Look what steroids have done for me! I’m clearly gonna attract a hotter class of Wonder Women all buffed out. Legalize all these drugs, banning stuff that makes people happy is silly. I have it from reliable sources that “maryjane” or “marijuana” as pot is called on the street, causes nothing but the desire to eat and laugh. That can’t be bad. When I’m president, all chickens will have pot and steroids. We all will.

I’m sure I have more but they don’t pay me by the word so peace out.

PS- Take a break here from reading and stop by the Herald Headquarters in Hyperborea and pick up official Jimbo For President stuff. Big pictures of my butt are L$1 and so are a two pack of crappy t-shirts with my face on it. I think you can get the President sign free.