The Alphaville Herald

Not Quite On The Road: Motorcycling Undies of Doom

by Alphaville Herald on 30/01/07 at 8:11 pm

by Jimbo Quality

[Editor's Note: Below, Jimbo Quality continues his Traveling With the Idiot series, in which at the moment he is attempting to spend some time racing virtual motorcycles. Even if you don't enjoy the story, we hope you appreciate the fact that we're doing a community service by employing the mentally challenged.
--Walker Spaight]

As I left the offices of the Second Life Herald for my second attempt at journalism, I was bound and determined to find actual racing motorcycles. I mean, I’d taken the assignment to write about them, and damn it, I was going to find some. My journalistic reputation and integrity depended on it. Plus, I was hoping to meet hot chicks.

You see, dear reader, when the motorcycle story came to me I was thrilled, because the one person in SL I knew with a motorcycle is my delectable friend Jaime Wheeler, pictured above. You know the person who helps you get on your feet when you land here? The one that first tells you your shoes are up your ass and that your cool new Newbie Hair looks ridiculous? That was her for me. And did I mention she’s attractive and rides a motorcycle? In my mind then, getting this story meant I would find the place where hundreds of helpful and beautiful biker babes cavort, frolic, and other things best left to the imagination.

After my first adventure, the group search feature came back to life and I was able to find and then join the SL Motorcycle Racing Association, an enormous group of SL people who like to race motorcycles. When I joined, I got the tag “Racer.” You have no idea how much this thrilled me. I could picture the scene: I work my special magic on the search box and find the place where all the hot biker chicks dance and frolic in their little leather outfits. I sweep into their midst wearing my Racer tag, a dab of 30-weight motorcycle oil, and a big smile. They’re so thrilled to see me that . . . ok, I’m getting sidetracked here. On with our story. [Yes, please. -- Ed.]

Though I’d been able to find the racing group, my attempts to find a track were thwarted because location search was still dead. Undaunted, I opened the map and started clicking random clumps of green dots. I figured one of them had to be my mythological herd of dancing biker chicks. Turns out I was wrong.

I first teleported into a field full of what appear to be “Bots”. It was creepy. Individuals popped in out of the clear blue and stood there, staring, mindless, then they’d disappear while three others popped in and took their place. It was like the time I stood in line for tickets to see The Price is Right. I watched, fascinated, and IMed some friends.

[9:05] Jimbo Quality: Hey, I just TP’d into some Bots!
[9:06] Jimbo Quality’s Friend: yeah?
[9:06] Jimbo Quality: Yeah, it’s really cool, they’re like creepy fish all trying to get at the food at the same time….like….
[9:07] Jimbo Quality’s Friend: Huh. Great. What’s a bot? Wanna play some Slingo later?

I hung up on him. From my friend Jaime I got a whole different reaction.

[9:07] Jaime Wheeler: I don’t like them
[9:07] Jimbo Quality: well I should think not… they’re ripping off the casinos and hogging camping chairs! They’re a destructive element here!
[9:08] Jaime Wheeler: yeah, whatever, I don’t like them cause they stick to my teeth. I like Skittles better.
[9:08] Jimbo Quality: what? What are you talking about?
[9:09] Jaime Wheeler: Dots you idiot, you just IM’d me and said “Hey I found some dots” I don’t like them, they stick to my teeth. I like chocolate better than the whole sugary candy genre anyhow. Enjoy your dots though sweetie but be careful if you have a lot of fillings.
[9:10] Jimbo Quality: ok

Undismayed, I continued my explorations. I probably should have gone to play SLingo, given the result of my next teleportation:

At that point, I realized I probably wasn’t going to find my Biker Chick’s Garden of Eden, at least not while location search was down. So I wept a little virtual tear and then broke down and asked Jaime if I could interview her about riding motorcycles in SL.

Jaime kindly TP’d me out of the wall and to the club she runs, House of Kats, in the »Hutter sim«. (234, 204, 23). I’m not usually a clubgoer, so I was unsure of what to do when I got there. If my avi could squeal like a girl, however, it would have when I saw that House of Kats has a motorcycle on display. The day was not a total loss: at least I’d seen a motorcycle!

After hours of searching, our intrepid reporter was at least able to track down a motorcycle

My day improved even more when I spotted camping chairs by the door. While I realize a lot of our readers aren’t fans of camping chairs, I have to say that I love them. Kats has four right by the door, and it’s a new enough club that the chairs hadn’t been discovered when I was there. I plunked my butt down and waited for a chance to interview Jaime. I thought this girl was amazing when she taught me how to look around SL without moving, but you should see her run this club. She had Furries and Goths and Nekos and Humans all living in harmony and dancing in their underpants while she gave beauty lessons (and free skins) to two newbies — in French, no less! It was as if you just realized that your English teacher really is Batman after all.

Jimbo Quality camps his ass in Kats

So there I sat, dear readers. As I said, I’m new to the club scene, but there was magic in the air there at the House of Kats. DJ MeQal Anna rocked the house and he and Jaime got everyone fired up to party. The Sexiest Kitty contest didn’t do much for me, but the Best Swimsuit competition piqued my interest somewhat. By the time they got to Best in Yellow, I was scrambling through my inventory looking for something to wear, including some blonde hair I had the misfortune to buy in my first week here. Can you see what’s coming? Dear readers, I found no motorcycles — but I did win the House of Kats Sexiest Undies contest, and I named you all in my acceptance speech.

Speedo-clad Quality [zOMG -- Ed.]

Jaime never got free long enough for me to interview her, but I did find time to contact some people from the SL Motorcycle Racing Association. They’ve promised to have me over to their track and use small words so I can follow what they’re saying. I’m not sure if I can keep that date, though, ’cause between the pink camping chairs, the undies and watching Jaime juggle furries, newbies and contest boards, I don’t think I’ll be leaving the House of Kats anytime soon. Bad things happen to me when I travel.

Till next time, dear readers. And if you must travel, don’t beam yourselves into walls; always bring a towel.