The Alphaville Herald

What’s in the Stars For Your Avatar?

by Alphaville Herald on 23/01/05 at 10:42 am

By Madame Katarzhinska Budzhynskyanskikova
(“Madame Alphabet” to her friends)

The Herald has had multiple requests to begin publishing a horoscope so that all you avatars out there can know how to behave (or misbehave) and what to look for in the next month. This horoscope is attuned to avatar birthdays and not meatspace birthdays.

Aires (March 21-April 1): Ugh, you can’t be serious about that skin you are sporting. Get a new one, even if it has to be a furry.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Oh Oh, the stars say that a server crash and reset is going to deprive you of valuable assets. Have a *trusted* friend hold them. If you have one, which I seriously doubt.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): This is not good. The stars say that although you are attached to your virtual pet, it really cannot stand you and would chew your head off if it had the right animations.

Cancer (June 22-July22): You have failed in your exploits as scriptor, builder, Jedi, gold farmer, money trader, and cyber-prostitute. Your only hope in your game is to be a full time scammer. Good luck and keep the fuck away from me!

Leo (July 23-Aug 22): You think your virtual tats make you look edgy, but in point of fact they make you look like a big dumb idiot.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You have been trying to type in 1337, but quite frankly it isn’t working for you. Please give it up before we have to start sending viruses up your dinky little Think Pad.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): Libra is a balance, but this is your month to be wildly unbalanced. Ask for a job with the Always Fairly Unbalanced Second Life Herald. They won’t have you, but the heartless rejection letter you receive will be good for your character.

Scorpio (Oct. 24- Nov. 21): You think you are hot shit because you play on the 1337 shard of your game, but truth be told, that shard is supported by a server made from old sewing machine parts and you are too lame to know the difference.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): A gold farmer will offer you a great big pile of money for absolutely no reason. Hahahaha, just kidding. You ain’t getting jack from nobody this month. Especially not from me.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You think you are stubborn, when really you are just a total dick. Do us all a favor and unsubscribe from your MMORPG.

Aquarius (Jan/ 20-Feb. 18): You will leave your game with great fanfare, including opening a post on several game forums. Within 24 hours no one will remember you ever played the game.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): OMG, you think you are a hot DJ, but you suck so bad our ears are bleeding. Do us all a favor and go back to cyber-prostitution (but lose the “oh baby” wave files).