The Alphaville Herald

Luskwood Furries Mum on Lindens, Might be Brain-Eaters

by Alphaville Herald on 01/04/09 at 7:44 am

by Pappy Enoch, Investigative Reporter

undercover reporter Pappy Enoch (far right) risks life in visit to fur enclave

MizPixeleen telled me to go git a story on them Furry-Critters and theLinden Lab rules on bein’ nekkid n’ gettin’ some action.  I also wantedto find out if’n any mean folks been pickin’ on them!

I knowed I could fit rite in a Luskwood because I are a furry man. I gots mullet-hair on my head, a long ol’ ZZ Top beard, fur on my back,legs, and even my hind-parts. But no matter how I comb it over, and Itried, I ain’t got fur enough to be a critter. So I put on my go-rillasuit left from Halloween. Still smelled like Moonshine n’ MD 20/20 mydate was swigging hard all nite.

So I went to Luskwood and guess what! I found me a murder-scene. I knowed I had a story.

WhenI got there, I fell off some steps—I were second-hand drunk from thesmell in that go-rilla suit—and underneath I found me a head-bone froma dead man.  Won’t no fossil, like them homo-erections thescience-fellers digs up. It were a mite big, but it were the spittin’image o’ my second cousin, Festus Osiris Bugtussle, who has a big-ol’hydroelectric head, the one with the water inside.

evidence of brain eating in Luskwood

Festus am alive an’ ornery, so I knowed it were some po’ boy whodun been killed dead. Somebody—now I ain’t say it were themcritters—hid them bones under some boards, rite beside a box o’crackers they used to scoop the brains out. 

I decided to quit the Herald rite then.

But it were toolate! I heared them: angry-lookin’ Furry rascals, talkin’ like cityfolks (I had my hillbilly-city-folk translation thing on). Won’t no wayto git out, so I reckoned I mite play reportur an’ hope to git a storybefore they killed me and et my brains on toast-points.

We memburs o’ the Fifth Collum needs to risk all fo’ our work:

Pappy Enoch: howdy y'all

Fur One: But the news would trickle out that everyone's mad as hell, and slowly build from rabble rabble rabble to cacophony.

Fur Two: I find myself having to agree with Fur One to an extent.

Fur Three: nothing is being handed out, at the time at least.

Pappy Enoch: y'all got a sec to speak to somebody from the media?

Fur Four: I like owning my bat, and others can too if they buy it.

Fur Five pokes people, points at Pappy. :B

Second Life furs – armed and dangerous

Pappy Enoch grins nervously, wipes dirt off “Press” badge and flashes it.

Fur Six: Pappy, the SL Herald will just make up whatever you guys wish, so, do you  really even -need- an interview?

Pappy Enoch: well, we can set the record straight

Fur Six: oh. I'm sure.

Pappy Enoch: my columns ain't never bashed no furs. Lindens, yep. Prudes, yep. City folks, yep. I'll just report what ya'll say

Pappy Enoch: well, let me ask y'all–do you get griefers often?

Fur Seven: What are griefers?

Pappy Enoch: well…read the Herald comments

[Stony-lonesome silence follows]

Pappy Enoch in Luskwood

Pappy Enoch: let me try this one then…how will the LL policies change Luskwood?

Fur Six: heh. "the LL policies" ? LL's new anti-tree policy is going to be the ruin of luskwood.

Fur Seven: I suppose we'll have to move to a shrub then.

Fur Eight: I like cactus

Pappy Enoch: say…WHO was the one who's head-bone am by the Welcome spot?

Pappy Enoch: looked a mite like an old Herald Reporter we done lost a while back…

Fur Six: what you mean Fred? Fred's dead.

[Now they all was a little bitty bit closer to me]

Pappy Enoch: bye now… (edging away)

Fur Eight: Dead head fred.

Fur Seven: thats right

Fur Nine: That reminds me.

Fur Nine: I want some pocky

Fur Seven: He rose from the grave to eat his pocky.

Pappy Enoch: FEETS DO YO’ STUFF!!!

Iknowed it! “Pocky” means “brains” in Fur-language!  Less’n I can gitsome straight-talk out o’ them Furry Critters….I reckon we must allconclude that them rascals am eatin’ human brains in there.

Miz Pixeleen, if’n you needs follow-up at Luskwood, send ol’Jumpman over there. Since them Furries am keen on brains, he won’t haveno trouble.