The Alphaville Herald

The Triumphant Return of Jimbo Quality – Part 3

by Alphaville Herald on 10/02/11 at 1:42 am

Jimbo Quality and the Scarlet Pimple Hell, The Story’s Epic Contusion.

by Jimbo Quality

After a couple of days at the Herald Bunker in Jessie, life was good. Better than good in some ways. Miss Pix keeps the fridge well stocked and doesn’t seem to notice I’m mooching from it, the couches are soft and don’t smell like feet yet, and, best of all, Goddamn bird showed up and was immediately eaten by Tacgnol.

The one fly in my ointment, the one boil on my bottom, the one floater in my punchbowl was, in fact, a boil on my bottom. I had developed it while sleeping for a year in a field and then aggravated it by busting a wicked move while attending the rocking Post 6 Party held in my honor [we find it easiest to just go with it ~The Editrix].

Jimbo’s Charlie Sheen boil

I know you may be thinking that a simple boil should not be problem for an incredible physical specimen like me, but remember that my buttocks is hallowed ground, shortlisted for both the Nobel Prize and the National Register of Sublime Things. A boil? On MY bottom? It’s like a booger on your eyeglasses, it just can’t stay!

So, just when I could take it no more, Jessica Holyoke finally came on line and distracted me from my suffering. My plan of getting the old Herald Staff together again to ensure that I have place to crash was still going strong.

Jimbo Quality: Hey! Come write for the Herald, I’m putting the band back together again
Jessica Holyoke: The band back together?

Jimbo Quality: Yes, me, you, Justine, Tenshi, George, Ringo, all the old gang
Jessica Holyoke: I was thinking about writing more, just things got away from me

Jimbo Quality: Ok, enough small talk, I’m at the Herald Bunker in Jessie, can you come look at something for me?

Jessica’s confronts the horror behind Jimbo

As soon as she arrived I dropped trou. I’ve been around the Herald writers enough to know that if you warn them, they will run. I knew from her screams it wasn’t good. I strained and strained trying to see what was marring my beautiful bottom but to no avail. “For God’s sake, is it that bad? It’s just a boil, right?”

Jessica Holyoke: It’s….it’s a boil I guess, but, it looks like…it looks like Charlie Sheen

Well that was a surprise.

is the Charlie Sheen boil in rehab on Jimbo’s butt?

When I turned around Jessica had stopped screaming. Well, no, she was still screaming, only it was really muffled, and I realized she had rezzed some sort of hazmat suit. 

Jimbo Quality: I could, uh, probably get some sort of salve. A drawing salve, you know, to uh, draw it out. Does it really look like Charlie Sheen?
Jessica Holyoke nods emphatically, horrified “And it’s it’s, trying to talk.”

Well, I knew then and there that my modeling career was probably over, at least until I could enact a Charlie Sheen Boil removal plan, or even just a containment plan, but I would need to act fast. 

Jessica suits up

As Jessica backed her way slowly from the room I considered my options. Out of the blue, the phone rang and I sprang to answer it. Before I realized I was talking, I was saying 

Jimbo Quality: Thank you for calling the Alphaville Herald story hotline. This is Jimbo Quality speaking and I’m required to tell you that your best bet would be to call back when there’s a real reporter able to take your call, but if you’re desperate or dying, I’m here for you baby, let’s hear what you have to say. 

…and I knew then, I was back. Help me Jeebus, we know not what we do.

safe at last – and backing away slowly