The Alphaville Herald

Virtually In Love

by Alphaville Herald on 28/03/05 at 5:47 am

The Herald is proud to introduce the writing debut of Second Life’s famous nostril-wrestling, Linden-pashing, fashion designer and all-round social butterfly – Aimee Weber. Aimee takes a look at spring-romance, in this that special time of year when, as my parents explained it, all the birds make sweet, sweet love to all the bees singing in the trees and I’m not allowed girls in my bedroom after 8 pm. Yes, it is that time of year when even the pants of our own Herald staff cannot help but feel that faint tug of virtual attraction. Fortunately, Aimee’s handy scientifically-proven Gender Verification Test will help you determine whether the RL sack-of-meat on the other end of your SL marriage is actually a He-Man or a She-Ra.

Spring is that magical time of the year when the hardy stock of every village, having survived the oppressive winter, can dispose of their dead and enjoy the carefree days to come. We’re all finally free to run through the lush green pastures, ride a jet ski across placid waters, or cuddle with a loved one beneath the stars…all while huddled around our computers, bathed in fluorescent office lighting. As a Second Life user, I can verify that spring is INDEED in the air by simply looking at various online weather services. Lord knows I’m not going to stop a good run of Tringo to look outside.

In SL as it is in RL, spring arouses those primal sexual instincts that dwell in each of us. For Second Life women, these feelings manifest themselves in the form of an irresistible urge to lick our monitors every time Philip Rosedale pops up. Men, on the other hand, are compelled to pause their manly activities, tear down their manly defenses and begin a process of introspection that inevitably leads to that very manly question…”is this internet chick actually a dude?”

When asked about SL’s female population on the forum’s “Linden Hotline”, Robin Linden carefully queried all of the active registration records, and applied the most advance demographic filters available to the existing data, and was able to provide the following comprehensive list of actual, bona fide, genetic women playing Second Life today: 1. Robin Linden.

WAIT! Before you dump your girlfriend Trixie just as she rezzes her newly made M1-A2 Abrams Main Battle Tank, I would recommend relying on your own instincts rather than buying into the “statistics” and “facts”. Subtle cues can go a long way in divining a user’s gender. For example, do romantic conversations with her inevitably reference the LSL Wiki pages? Does she change her AV’s clothing daily or with every major release of Second Life? Is her AV shaped like a golf tee… with a golf ball resting on it… maybe two golf balls?

When subtlety fails you, it’s time to be direct. Asking a few questions answerable only by the fairer sex can remove the facade once and for all. However, I urge you to avoid the subject of bra sizes. I’m convinced that all boys upon reaching adolescence are pulled from class to get formal training on everything they need to know about bras. Chest sizes, cup sizes, how to remove them with their minds… you honestly have no chance of stumping a male on the subject of bras. Instead, sit your suspected male in front of the following test and see how they do.

With the problem of deducing a user’s gender now solved forever, we must turn to an even more complex question…do we CARE? Some would argue that Second Life is the next logical step in humanity’s evolution towards shedding an increasingly irrelevant mortal shell and becoming pure energy fueled by our force of will alone. Still others would argue, “OMFG mY 61RlfR13nd 1Z 4 d00d 111″ To shed more light on the subject, I interviewed Torley Torgeson, beloved SL socialite.

Aimee Weber: Thank you for speaking with me today.
Torley Torgeson: Oh no problem Aimee.
Aimee Weber: Just to clarify for my readers, YOU… are a guy?
Torley Torgeson: Well conventional wisdom would say yes, I was in fact born male. However everyday medical discoveries in the areas of genetics combined with a social sexual revolution in the past 50 years have really challenged our, frankly, outdated notions of gender identities.
Aimee Weber: Right. So what you are saying is….YOU… are a guy.
Torley Torgeson: Yes Aimee… I’m a guy.
Aimee Weber: Tell me now, what would I do if I wanted to, say… submit this article to the Pulitzer Prize review board? Is there like, you know, a web site?
Torley Torgeson: Aimee, do you have any questions about ME?
Aimee Weber: Yes of course! Tell me now. Who, exactly, are you? And what do you do?
Torley Torgeson: This interview is over.

The interview may be over, but the debate rages on. Of this much we may be certain: in the spring the sap rises, and so too for SL’s amorous men. As for SL’s women you ask? We’re just gonna keep on licking our monitors.