Bow Padre: Uri Remembers Pope JP2
by Alphaville Herald on 08/04/05 at 9:53 am
by Urizenus
I was on the Herald yacht in Gulf of Mexico, fishing with Tom Delay, when the call came. I knew it was coming, but I was expecting the call to come from Condi. It was Ambassador Grudzinski. “Czesc, Uri. Karol’s gone.” I had Sven turn the yacht towards port, called Brad and had him prep the Herald jet for the long flight to Rome, and managed to have the presence of mind to give Tom his suitcase of money. Then, as we sped towards Key West, I began to remember all the good times the Pope and I had had – hiking in the mountains of Poland, chugging wine in the Vatican, etc. But the time that stood out, the time I want to share, is the day we met back in 1978, back when he was just Archbishop Karol – the day we played pong in Paris.
It was January of 1978, to be exact and I was attending a Swedish Baptist college in Minnesota. I had enrolled in a January interim course called “The Reformation and How it Saved Civilization”, and we just arrived in Paris from Geneva and a pilgrimage to the reformation wall. When we entered our hotel – Hotel Penta – I saw a large group of Japanese students in the lobby crowded around something. I drew closer and stared in astonishment. It was something I had never seen before.
Situated in the lobby was a small coffee table with a glass top and knobs on the side. Two Japanese students sat on opposite sides of the table manipulating the knobs as their classmates cheered them on. As I drew closer I saw that there was a television screen in the table, with the screen pointing upwards towards the ceiling. The screen wasn’t a television, however, it was the screen to the first video game I had ever seen. They were playing Pong!
Pong was a simple video game for simpler times. There were three elements: two paddles and a ball. The objective: get the ball past your opponent. It sounds *too* simple, but to the experience players the game had more subtleties and complexities than a game of Go. I saw this immediately, of course, and vowed that I would be a champion pong player.
But how to go about this. I wasn’t ready for the Japanese players. They were too good for the moment. I would have to cut my teeth on others. Accordingly, for the next several days I enlisted my Baptist friends as sacrificial lambs in my quest to become teh shit (but back then we just said “the best.”) After several days of training I was ready to take on the Japanese contingent.
One morning as I came down to the lobby I saw a group of Japanese students playing pong. I strode up and put a one Franc coin on the table. They stared at me. I folded my arms and watched. It was clear to me who was going to win this qualifying match. Player one – Mamoru – had the touch. He could deaden the movement of the ball as needed. Player two was just as slasher. I was right. Mamoru won 11-3.
I sat at the table. The students crowded closer. The Baptists came and looked on. I put in my Franc.
“So, you are Japanese?”
“Yes”
“Then we shall bow”
“yes”
We bowed — it was something all the Japanese students did before each match — but I intended no honor, and was going to do a psyche job on him now.
“So this game must be pretty amazing to you.”
“Yes, it is”
“It is an American invention you know”
“hmmm”
“It’s funny how your Japanese electronics industry is really only good for copying American inventions. Cheap knockoffs, you know?”
“Are you ready to play?”
“That is why the American electronics industry will always dominate. Same thing with autos – the American Auto Industry will always dominate Japan’s.”
“Yes, thank you for helpful advice, shall we play now.”
I pressed play and we began to play. He was very good, but not as good as I was. Many of you know me as a gifted gamer, with a skill set that has made me a champion in everything from Pong to Asteroids to Donkey Kong to UO and EQ PvP battles to high speed driving in Grand Theft Auto and making pizza in TSO. Not many are a match for that kind of talent, and this opponent, although worthy, was soon vanquished by me 11-7. I smirked. Then I looked up at my new opponent.
The spectators parted like the Red Sea as a tall man in a robe strode up to the table and put in his coin. He had a large head and a round face like a pan. He beamed at me in a dipshit sort of way.
“Who are you?” I asked.
“Karol”
“That’s a funny name for a guy.”
“Not where I come from.”
“Where do you come from”
“Poland”
“Do all the men where you come from wear dresses too?”
“No I am an Archbishop.”
“Well then, Padre, are you ready to play?”
“Yes”
“First, we must bow”
I don’t know exactly why I did this, but it just seemed appropriate to take advantage of this beaming idiot. He needed a dose of reality – he needed to know that in the realm of games – my realm – my rules hold. So as he bowed his head I fired my ball past him.
“Haha, sorry bout that Pollock.”
He just looked at me.
“I can tell that my words hurt you…”
He was beginning to say “not at all..” and I shot another ball past him.
I laughed, “haha sucker!”. The Japanese students were shaking their heads with a mixture of confusion and contempt.
Karol, lost his beamish face, hunched down with purpose and in a brief exchange got a ball past me. Shit, I underestimated him. My two point advantage was down to one.
For the next hour Karol and I fought and slashed for every point. In turns we sent the ball careening wildly from side to side on the screen, deadened the ball, aimed the ball in progressively more subtle and improbable angles, testing each other’s intuitive sense of geometry.
Let me pause to tell you something about The Pope. In all the times I knew him I never knew him to be flatulent — even in his advancing years. Even when we shared bean burritos and Belgian Trappist beer during the world cup I never once heard him toot or had evidence that he launched an SBD.
But in that moment, when I saw Karol at his highest powers of concentration he was cutting cheese like a prep cook in a fondue restaurant. The Japanese students were backing away, but in a polite sort of way. The Baptists were waving their hands in front of their faces and coughing a lot. As for me, I was sweating like a pig.
So as the first hour of the game came to a close, there we were, sweating and stinking in an already foul smelling Parisian hotel lobby locked in a 10-10 tie. A battle for the ages. A battle between a real man and a guy named Karol who wore a dress and played with beads and smiled way too fucking much. But he wasn’t smiling now. Here for the first time I saw the steely determination that in later years I would only see when he was excommunicating gays.
And then it was over. I don’t know what happened exactly. A brain cramp or fuckup on my part perhaps. Perhaps it was just a random stray bit of cosmic radiation striking the cpu, or some bit rot that undermined my flawless gameplay, and I had lost. I stood up, kissed his ring and stepped back into the crowd.
A Japanese student sat down to face the future pope, and uttered only one word: “awesome.”
Of course, that wasn’t the end for me and Karol. In the fullness of time we became fast friends. When he needed advice he would summon me and we would maybe hike in the Apenini or go for spins in the popemobile with a sixpack of Trappist Ale, or sometimes we just hung out and watched Sergio Leoni movies together. The rest of the world mourns the loss of a great religious leader – a tireless crusader against condoms and gays – but to me the loss was more personal. To me the world lost a baddass gamer. OK, he had a face like a pan and he wore a dress, but he could play Pong like a bat out of hell.
/respect
Ian
Apr 8th, 2005
You have way too much time on your hands.
always_black
Apr 8th, 2005
always_black
Apr 8th, 2005
Actually, I’ve already begun on the New Pope Journalism
ManifestoTestament.It’ll be bigger than Jesus.
Walker Spaight
Apr 8th, 2005
And on the first day, God said, “Let there be Adventure on the PDP-11,” and all his children rejoiced.
Tony Walsh
Apr 8th, 2005
Damnit, I was thinking how clever I was going to be mentioning “New Pope Journalism.” Curse you, always_black, for your coining of phrases! *shakes tiny fist*
Prokofy Neva
Apr 8th, 2005
This is disrespectful. The Pontiff helped defeat Communism, God bless him. Have some heart. Is nothing sacred?
always_black
Apr 9th, 2005
Hey Tony! Don’t look at me, *I* didn’t coin it!
Prokofy > No. As should be evident from a cursory glance at the universe, nothing is immune to lampoonery. All that matters is whether or not it is funny.
But if it makes you feel better, I think John Paul II did some great things (and I rate his offering forgiveness to his would-be assassin way higher than any moves he made on Communism), which I respect even though I’m not a believer.
Santino Molinari
Apr 9th, 2005
Just because things are subject to”lampoonery” doesnt mean that it is in good taste to make fun. Uri’s friend passing is subject to lampoonery as well, but no one made fun of her. Why? because it’s not right. It’s not in good taste. So why make fun of the Pope’s death? Just because you can?
Ya know, there are alot of fun articles in the Herald that encourage good humor, & a good time. but once in awhile there is something Serious, and I wish the majority of your readers were mature enough to Distinquish between the two.
with that said.
Thank you papal, for all you have done for us. We pray for you. God Bless.
Neal Stewart
Apr 9th, 2005
Father Dougal: “Do you believe in an afterlife?”
Father Ted: “Do I what?”
Father Dougal: “Do you believe in an afterlife?”
Father Ted: “Well, Dougal, generally speaking, priests tend to have a very strong belief in the afterlife.”
Father Dougal: “Oh, I wish I had your faith, Ted.”
[...]
Father Dougal: “God, I’ve heard about those cults Ted. People dressing up in black and saying Our Lord’s going to come back and save us all.”
Father Ted: “No, Dougal, that’s us. That’s Catholicism.”
Father Dougal: “Oh right.”
I think you could argue that there are few figures on this planet as absurd as the pope and as valid a target for lampoonery.
Every day, people all over the planet make sworn depositions at murder trials. They swear at an event that could not be more serious. And they do it with their hand on a book that contains talking snakes, demons, and magic fruit-trees.
As many have pointed out, the pope was declared infallible in matters of faith by the Council of Trent but nobody had ever declared the Council of Trent infallible.
Most people are well aware of Catholicism’s role in the Spanish Inquisition (“Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms”), their persecution of Galileo for claiming that the earth was not the centre of the universe, and their role in burning Giordano Bruno at the stake for heresy.
The Pope has convinced a number of people in Swaziland and other African countires not to use condoms (“Every sperm is sacred, every sperm is good”). Swaziland is a country where 38.6% of the population is infected with HIV. Without condoms you’ve got STDs AND unwanted pregnancies. And then abortion is a no-no too. Because of this stance, you have dying parents giving birth to orphaned HIV babies.
Then there’s the Catholic Church’s stance against homosexuality and even the odd flirtation with absurdery like a ‘cure for gays’.
When any person dies it is a serious occasion but it is also an opportunity to reflect openly on how they have lived and what they represent – as absurd, tragic or humorous as that may be.
Prokofy Neva
Apr 11th, 2005
Neal, as I noted on the SL forums, the fuck-you hedonist tries to swing a deal where the results of his hedonism are palmed off on other people and they are to blame if he suffers consequences. The Pope does not cause AIDS, the Catholic position on condoms does not cause AIDS, people cause AIDS by fucking other people, and usually lots of other people, in serial fashion, without much consideration of consequences. There it is. People fuck around, they catch a disease. What’s the Pope got to do with it?
Catholicism has a solution for such things, down through ages, to stop such human sorrows. It’s to be in a monagamous relationship in a marriage in the Church, to stay with the one partner so you don’t get diseases by fucking around. If you would prefer fucking around, there’s a simple option: don’t be in the Catholic Church! Especially if you want to practice a gay lifestyle. Nobody makes you stay in the Catholic Church and follow its rules. It sets an example and puts out a way of life, take it or leave it. To try to blame AIDS spread on Catholic policies is idiotic — like I said even poor people in Swaziland need to think of where they are putting their dicks. They don’t get a pass from personal responsibility just because they want sexual pleasure.
There’s nothing wrong with sexual pleasure. But if you want it, take the consequences like a man and don’t whine about the Pope. The oppressive leaders of some African countries who refuse to provide public education about the causes and preventions of AIDS are just as much to blame for the spread as any Catholic leader.
Honestly, you don’t have to do the Catholic thing. It’s out there, but it isn’t forced on you. It’s an example. Individual Catholic priests and nuns caring for the sick all over the world, including those with AIDS, without prejudice, have done far more good than all the moralizing of fuck-you hedonists whose morals are entirely questionable.
Neal Stewart
Apr 12th, 2005
Hi Prok. Thanks for your comment. I’ve been thinking about it for some time. I wrote a response which seemed pretty straightforward at first but then I made the mistake of trying to anticipate any objections and respond to those, but then I found objections to those, and reponses to those etc etc in increasing granularity until I had single-handedly written notes for a two page schizophrenic single-poster forum thread that traversed about 5 topics. Which I won’t inflict on Herald readers.
Particularly since the final conclusion for each branch of the thread was ‘I don’t know’. But you can drop the Catholicism/HIV argument from my original post and the rest still stands.
Technically I’m a provisional hard-determinist (which is one of those positions that you shouldn’t mention in polite company). So, I find it even more difficult than most people to think about personal responsibility without giving myself a brain aneurysm
If I were to talk about where ‘blame’ goes in that worldview, it would only invite further head-injury, though external, ie inflicted by the general population.
I had a quick look in the forums at your ‘fuck-you hedonist’ posts but still can’t quite figure out what it’s all about. I understand the hedonist bit but the ‘fuck you’ part is confusing me
Cienna
Apr 13th, 2005
Controlling information is the keystone of controlling societies. Why do you think “the establishment” is pulling their hair out over the Internet? Every time I turn around, there’s another ‘evil evil Internet’ story floating around… while the establishment hopes against hope one will stick long enough for them to either constrain it or tax it into submission.
In the dark ages, this was done by hindering class mobility and literacy at every turn. Today, the methods may alter slightly, but the motivation and intent remains the same (albeit better dressed and more politically savvy).
My question is — why is anyone surprised? It is not as if this is a new method, or much changed from all that went before in the halls of history.
It is said history repeats itself because no one listens. I’ll go you one further — history repeats itself because ever generation deludes itself into thinking they have progressed intellectually.
Funny, the lies we live, isn’t it?
montserrat
Jun 2nd, 2005
cienna nice comment.
in the dark ages there was the pope.
now we have anchorpersons.