The Alphaville Herald

Linden Lab’s Government: Under Neu Orders

by Alphaville Herald on 14/05/05 at 10:09 am

In his final article for the Herald, Neal Stewart exposes Linden Lab’s secret support for Neualtenburg and a new Second Life player-run global government. Will a mysterious new sim give birth to a virtual-world utopia or a shameful miscarriage of justice? Is your freedom being voted away while you sleep?

This morning I accepted a teleport invitation.

To preserve their privacy, names of the residents involved have been replaced with their initials.

UZ: Hi Neal
You: Hello UZ
UZ: Like our little sky-build?
You: What is this, a space-ship? Pretty cool.
UZ: We had these comms panels custom-made.
You: Heh heh. Your avatar just rezzed.
UZ: “This is CNN…”
You: Heh heh
You: The movie comes out in about 5 days here I think.
You: I’ve been avoiding spoilers like the plague. Covering my ears during trailers etc
UZ: lol. Me too.
You: The place looks wicked. Shame about the neighbour sim.
You: Those little ant-square things over there kind of wreck the view. Heh heh.
You: What do you think they’re supposed to be?
UZ: They’re sims.
You: No, the actual squares themselves. The little patchy green ones.
UZ: Sims.
UZ: Neal, right-click on the floor below you and tell me what the Z-position number is.
You: I’m gonna relog. My client’s gone all buggy. BRB
UZ: Wait!
UZ: What’s wrong with your client?
You: Heh heh. I dunno. Some of the numbers are screwed. But the others are normal. It’s OK. I’ll be back in a tick.
UZ: Neal. It’s not a bug.
UZ: We are 36,000,000 metres off the ground.
You: Jesus. You’re right!
You: LOL!!! WTFF!?
You: Where TF are we!? I can’t find a patch of land to get the about info from.
You: I thought like 700m was the build limit.
UZ: This is a special, private sim. Has everything rezzed for you yet?
You: I don’t think so. Just this room so far.
UZ: lol. I’ll wait.
…
You: OMG!! WTF!?! Haha. This is crazy! Is this what I think it is?
You: It’s the biggest thing I’ve seen in SL! I can’t even zoom out far enough.
UZ: Welcome to the JEFF STAR, Neal. Named after Jeff Linden, who announced the event calendar changes. It’s a space-station but an actual sim. The only sim on the grid that’s hosted on a class 5 server. The very latest Dual Opteron machine.
UZ: Bring up the map, Neal.
You: Ok
You: Holy shit
UZ: See the sim we’re in?
You: It’s moving!
You: On the map!
UZ: We are orbiting the other sims. Even the teen grid.
You: Heh heh. How is that even possible!?
UZ: We are invisible to everyone else on the map though. The station itself is armed with turbolaser weapons and a tractor-beam. Not all the sims are in range at the same time but within a complete orbit, everyone is at some point. The weapon is basically an eraser. It’s connected to the asset server.
You: Haha. You’ve gotta be bullshitting me there
UZ: The station is also part of our Strategic Defense Initiative, or the ‘Star Wars’ program. Second Life’s only comprehensive missile defense system. We can intercept Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles using ‘lasers’.
UZ: If some sims decide not to come on board with us, under our protection, that’s fine of course.
UZ: But we can’t guarantee their safety if something bad should happen…
You: I get it
UZ: Feel free to look around
UZ: You’re the only non-member to have been invited.
You: Why me?
You: Heh heh. Isn’t that the Neualtenburger logo on the wall?
UZ: Yes.
You: And the doors?
UZ: This space station is our home, but it is also a weapon. It is the sim that will unite all the local governments under a single global government. A New Order.
You: Wait a minute. You’ve got support from the Lindens!? That’s how you got this build height and managed to get this freaky-ass moving sim!
UZ: The distinction between Lindens, the FIC and Neualtenburg residents isn’t really a useful one. A lot of us are all three. We prefer to just think of it as a big Second Life family. But like any family, there are rules.
You: I just still can’t believe how big this station is.
UZ: I’ll invite you into the group for the sim.
UZ: You have to wear the group title at all times.
UZ: Here’s a uniform too. Go have a look around.
You: OK. Will do. Thank you.
UZ: You’ll have to remove your hair attachment if you don’t want it to stick out the Imperial Officer cap.
You: Wait, there’s gotta be at least 100 rooms here.

[Later that day, in the station's recreation room...]

VG chews on the collar of JL’s officer uniform and gently strokes her Imperial Officer rank plaque.
JL tosses CH’s cap into the corner of the room.
JL: I govern you!
VG: I am governed!
CH: I govern you!
JL: I am governed!
JL: Oh yeah. Mmm, baby. Yeah.
VG: Govern me harder!
VG: Faster
JL: Mmmm, you like that?
VG: Tell me about the bourgeoisie, baby…
CH: “The bourgeoisie, wherever it has got the upper hand, has put an end to all feudal, patriarchal, idyllic relations. It has pitilessly torn asunder the motley feudal ties that bound man to his “natural superiors”
JL: Tear me asunder!
CH moans softly.
[Instant Message]: CH: Hi Neal. Want to oppress me?
JL: Go slower now
CH: “The medieval burgesses and the small peasant proprietors….”
VG: Work it baby, work it!
CH: “were the precursors of the modern bourgeoisie…”
JL: Who’s your daddy?!
VG is getting carpet-burn on her face.
VG: Now tell me… What happens in those countries which have minimal development?
CH: “…..In those countries which are but little developed, industrially and commercially…”
VG: OH YES!
CH: “THESE TWO CLASSES STILL VEGETATE SIDE BY SIDE WITH THE RISING BOURGEOISIE…”
VG: YESSSS

[A few hours later I meet back up with UZ and two guests...]

You Instant Message UZ: It’s weird seeing so many avs in the same uniform. I’ve seen like 32 government officers. Why aren’t these two people in uniform?
[Instant Message]: UZ: These two are related to one of the Linden’s here IRL. Otherwise they wouldn’t be allowed to visit the Jeff Star sim. I have to humor them for a bit.
[Instant Message]: UZ: See the bling-bling crucifixes? That means Christian Mafia.
UZ: Welcome to our home, BG. Greetings MV. How has your day been?
BG: we jsut been illin and chillin
MV: fo real baby
UZ: How long have you been together for?
MV: i have loved you my love
MV: ever since you first firebombd my club
MV: when stacy was callin me a liar
MV: me!? LOL just cos stacey couldn’t keep her rl husband where she LOL caught with michael d
MV: COZ VINCENZO TOLD HER!!! RLFLAO
BG: i love you more and better each day
BG: you are off da hook LOL
MV: ever since you cme into my live, you have been there forme
MV: did you ever know that your my hero?!?
MV: your everything i would like to seee
MV: cos you are the wind inside my wings
[Instant Message]: UZ: We actually have a strict rule about this here. It’ll be one of the global government’s new rules. We call it profile-talk.
[Instant Message]: UZ: There’s a progressive tax on it. Serious cases like this one we would normally issue a hardware ban.
MV: my love you are a testament to mankind
MV: when a special person comes into yuor life sometimes you feel like the most passionate crature alive
BG: your love warms my heart like toast and your passion is my butter
MV: im starving what time is lunch here UV???
UV: You already missed it I’m afraid. We have only 12 hour days in this sim.
BG: why UV
UV: Marx said, “To appropriate labour during all the 24 hours of the day is the inherent tendency of capitalist production.”
BG: that does not sound like mark
BG: he’s my brah and all that but one of these days someones gonna bust a cap in that boys ass
UZ: Well, it was great to see you again. Have a pleasant evening.
BG: jah bless you
MV: jah bless

[Instant Message]: UZ: Neal, I want you to meet my friends back at the bridge Command Center. They’re Neualtenburg stormtroopers. We have a monopoly on the use of force.
[Instant Message]: UZ: I’ll TP you.
…
UZ: Guys. This is Neal.
PB: Hi
TE: hello neil
You: Hello
WK: Hey Neal
Monopoly Board: Community Chest card says “Get Out of Jail Free”
You: Is that an actual monopoly board?
TE: yeah
TE: well, it just contains an open-source script that does dice rolls and produces chance/community chest cards
You: Where are the pieces?
PB: we’ve each got a board set up in front of us irl. we track each other’s moves and payments
PB: i use a spreadsheet too but TE refuses to
TE: PB is very anal like that
WK: It’s true, he’s action-packed with anus.
PB: is anus a swear word?
TE: no
WK: No money for you, PB.
UZ: Neal, one of the house rules is that you have to give each of the other players 50 bucks if you swear.
TE: speaking of house rules. i was at the new nudists sim the other day
WK: Hahah. Nudist sims?
TE: yeah. all avatars have to be naked in the sim. clothes are banned
WK: What about robots?
TE: well i’m not sure they really thought it through.
TE: when i was there, they were having a debate about whether penis attachments were considered clothing
WK: lol
TE: they seemed to be making headway until one guy attached his johnson and it was wearing a little fedora
WK: roflmao
UZ: lol
WK: I’ll wear you my new av tomorrow. Should be finished then.
WK: It’s a goose-stepping, head-bandaged Basil Fawlty. He holds two fingers to his lips, does stiff-armed Nazi “Sieg Hails” and insists that you “Don’t mention the war”.
TE: well i must say the very idea offends me broadly
TE: i’ll have you banned if I see any bernaise sauce stains that look like a swastika
UZ: “Please stop mentioning the war, you’re upsetting the girl”
WK: Did you see the latest griefer game someone made?
WK: It’s called ‘Nahtzee’. All the dice have tiny little Swatikas instead of dots.
WK: *Swastikas
PB: Your turn already TE.
Monopoly Board: Dice Roll: 9
WK: Haha. Mayfair. Suck it up.
WK sniffs TE’s $500.
TE: Grrr
UZ: Actually, the game we had here last week, we were playing with Linden dollars. $1500L each to start. That was cool.
UZ: MP p0wned all the railroads as usual. He said that the money he’d won would pay his real life train fare to and from work for the rest of the week
TE: heh heh
WK: One of the fascinating things about Linden dollars is that I can’t actually destroy them in-world. In real life I can set fire to a 20 and erase it from the planet. In SL, I can’t actually delete a Linden dollar. I can give it away, but then it’s still circulating. Of course, I can sell it on GOM and remove it from SL that way but I can’t actually destory money in-world.
TE: submit it as a feature request
TE: destory? is that how you kill community exchange-mediums?
TE: pull apart the emperor’s story about his new clothes?

Philip Linden enters the bridge.

TE: Emperor…

Philip Linden, the physicist emperor, shoots blinding bolts of evil energy from his hands, at TE.

PL: Can you see my clothes now? Can you?
TE: arrrghgh
PL: Can you see them? Huh?
TE: yes, yes! of course my lord!

Lightning bolt: Bzzztzzt, bzzzzzzt.

TE: you’re wearing HEAPS of clothes.

Lightning bolt: Bzzztzzt, bzzzzzzt.

TE: i can’t see your face! there’s so much cloth around it!
TE: 2 + 2 = 5!

OC: Code Red!!! Code Red!!
OC: Inbound YT1300 bearing one-one-zero!!
UZ: We’re under attack.
UZ: How many?
OC: Just one YT1300. ‘The S.S. Avril Lavigne’. She’s a modified light-freighter with class 0.5 hyperdrive.
UZ: It’s the Rebel Alliance. They’re Anarchists. AKA Rebel Anarchists.
UZ: Commander, fetch me ‘Authority to Authorise Laser Response to Hostile Intent’ forms. Neal, when I have signed this form in triplicate and had it witnessed by a justice of the peace, we can prepare a petition to be brought before the Reprsentative Branch for a preference vote.
You: You need a petition to fire on enemy craft?
UZ: Not just to fire. We are beta-testing our new physics system in this sim before it becomses the SL global standard. We’ve integrated democracy-building technology with the Havok 2 physics engine.
You: You mean before each primitive falls, the whole sim has to vote on it?
UZ: We don’t call them primitive here. They are ‘differently abled’.
UZ: It’s not just decided by a sim-wide poll.
UZ: If the petition is approved, the actual wave-function and particle activity of the laser-beam will be decided at a 5-day forum held by the Philosophic Branch’s Scientific Council. They check that things like gravity are still consistent with our Constitution. In the past, several major decisions have been vetoed by the Artisan Branch on aesthetic grounds.
UZ: Having said that, an alliance was recently made between chaos-theorists in the Philosophic Branch and Artisanal Surrealists. This has created a shift in the balance of power.
UZ: In our last attempt to engage enemy craft we struck back at the Rebel Alliance using a bicycle wheel attached to a kitchen chair.
OC: My Lord, our comms-traffic scanners have discovered the enemy’s private internal discussion on channel 2.
UZ: Patch it through to loudspeaker.

Comms Loudspeaker: ST: “Don’t tread on me!!!”
Comms Loudspeaker: HS: Who’s that guy flying formation with us? The one sitting on a wooden cube?
Comms Loudspeaker: DS: That’s Ted. He says he’s an anarcho-primitivist.
Comms Loudspeaker: DS: OK, I’m targeting the bridge.
Comms Loudspeaker: RK: You cannot open fire on the Government without my permission as well. Those photons are communally owned.
Comms Loudspeaker: DS: But I’m an individualist anarchist, not social anarchist. Wait…
Comms Loudspeaker: DS: What type of social anarchist are you? Mutualist, collectivist, communist or syndicalist?
Comms Loudspeaker: KP: Actually, I’m anarcho-fascist.
Comms Loudspeaker: RK: You fascist!
Comms Loudspeaker: KP: In the grid I see — you’re stalking furries through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You will wear leather clothes that last you the rest of your life…
Comms Loudspeaker: VU: no gods! no masters!
Comms Loudspeaker: KR: Were you given permission to speak?
Comms Loudspeaker: VU: no no
Comms Loudspeaker: VU: forgive me master
Comms Loudspeaker: KR: Were you given permission to ask for forgiveness for speaking?
Comms Loudspeaker: VU: uh
Comms Loudspeaker: DS: I’ve told you before, you can’t be BDSM-anarchists…
Comms Loudspeaker: VU: but i CHOOSE to be a slave
Comms Loudspeaker: RK: Forget photon-violence. I’m an anarcho-pacifist.
Comms Loudspeaker: RK: But I do support property-destruction. If you bring me in close enough, I’ll lob a brick at one of the Jeff Star viewports.
Comms Loudspeaker: RK: But that’s all.

OC: My lord, members of the government Artisan/Philosophic majority have instructed me to communicate with the enemy craft.
UZ: What did they tell you to say?

OC: I’ve been instructed to broadcast Ginuwine’s ‘My Pony’.

OC Broadcast to enemy craft: If you’re horny, let’s do it
OC Broadcast to enemy craft: Ride it, my pony

UZ: I can’t work like this.

PL: Commander, broadcast this message to the Anarchist ship: Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen… There is no escape. Don’t make me destroy you. . . . Join me, and I will give you special anarchist teddy’s. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy.

[Instant Message]: UZ: Neal, don’t you dare say ‘What happen?’. The ‘All Your Base…’ meme is a TOS violation under our new global government.

OC: Emperor Linden, I have received a communication from the Rebel Anarchists.
OC: They are requesting that you allow them to provide RL hand-crafted beads and hemp dresses instead of paying land tier fees.

OC Broadcast to enemy craft: My saddle’s waitin’
OC Broadcast to enemy craft: Come and jump on it

Kropotkin Baskerville leaps out of the anarchy spaceship and throws a masive nuke at the JEFF STAR bursting in in two and sending shiney balls of light reflecting in his beauitful eyes. Before they die the goverment officers all wishe they were as good as Kropotkin.

OC: Don’t worry. That was just a roleplay attack.
OC: Worst roleplay attack ever.

Monopoly Board: Community Chest card says “You have won second prize in a beauty contest. Collect $10″.

OC: Oh shit. My lord, the government Artisan/Philosophic majority has instructed me to join the Anarchists and slap you with a cloud that has a face in it. I must warn you it has llSetDamage 100%.

UZ: I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Mass-neg-rate ships on fire off the shoulder of Ahern. I watched TP-beams glitter in the dark near the Neualtenburg gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die.

WK: Geez you’re a drahma queen.
WK: You’ll just get teleported home.

UZ: I don’t think so. I’m an atheist…