The Alphaville Herald

Scandal! Prim Babies Abandoned by Blingtard Moms

by Alphaville Herald on 06/04/07 at 3:56 am

Mrs. President Chomsky Calls for Better Mommy Bureau

Longtime Herald readers will recall Mrs. President Chomsky from her crusades against pet culling back in The Sims Online. She continues to be an active force online, having founded a new civic organization: Concerned Understanding Mothers Striving To Achieve Improved Net Neighborhoods. Its mission? Bring some shred of decency to a world that sometimes seems to have dropped its moral compass down the rabbit hole of Universal Linden Consciousness. Today Sparrowhawk Perhaps interviews Mrs. President to get the lowdown on her latest crusade – the tragedy of prim babies adopted by blingtard moms. Oh, and Mrs. President asks us to add that she is “no relation to that anarchist Norman Chomsky.”

sparrowhawk: mrs president chomsky how are you?
Mrs. President: Actually…to be honest…I’m quite upset.
sparrowhawk: why are you upset?
Mrs. President: Haven’t you heard? This problem with the adopted babies.
sparrowhawk: the prim babies?
Mrs. President: Yes, prim babies. I suppose you can call them that, but I prefer to call them “Emergent Virtual Intelligent Life Forms Undergoing Cultural Acceptance”.

sparrowhawk: sweetie if you are worried about prim babies, you need a beer or, more likely, something stronger.
Mrs. President: No no sparrowhawk, you don’t understand. This is worse than the pet culling operations on TSO.
sparrowhawk: oh…..

Mrs. President: Let me tell you something that will shock the knickers off of you…metaphorically speaking of course.
sparrowhawk: yes of course
Mrs. President: Do you realize that mothers are allowed to adopt prim babies with ABSOLUTELY NO BACKROUND CHECK!!! None!
sparrowhawk: i may faint
Mrs. President: Well you should.

sparrowhawk: i see this is more serious than i imagined
Mrs. President: Sit down dearie. Some of these mothers simply are not fit. I believe the technical word for them is “blingtards.”

sparrowhawk: i have heard that term applied to breeders, yes
Mrs. President: they adopt these dear little babies, and then leave them at home when they go sex-clubbing. I know of one club-addicted hussy who has already adopted 10 prim babies! And she leaves them at home!
sparrowhawk: without babysitters?
Mrs. President: Yes, without any supervision whatsoever!!!
Mrs. President: And the little babies cry and cry. And then it gets worse.

sparrowhawk: oh? selling them to the goreans, are they?
Mrs. President: no silly
sparrowhawk: i was trying to follow you down the fate-worse-than-death road
Mrs. President: well, perhaps there is a problem with this in Gorean lands. I wouldn’t know as I don’t frequent those territories. Nor would I.
sparrowhawk: don’t worry…they don’t believe in babies over there… they spontaneously generate
Mrs. President: I have no doubt of it. Satanic spawn no doubt.
sparrowhawk: something like that.
Mrs. President: Might we stay on topic here?
sparrowhawk: yes dear

Mrs. President: sparrowhawk, this is very serious. A good friend of mine in the real estate business told me this… The blingtard mommies just leave the babies at home crying when they carouse, and the neighbors complain (and who can blame the neighbors!).
sparrowhawk: well the poor dears should be supervised
Mrs. President… and the landlord comes and RETURNS THE BABIES TO INVENTORY! Little babies. Abandoned. Shoved into inventory.
sparrowhawk: they don’t get much fresh air that way
Mrs. President: No they most certainly do not! It’s criminal.
sparrowhawk: yes i see that

Mrs. President: Now that is bad enough. But it is worse.
sparrowhawk: oh?
Mrs. President: I am informed than some of these blingtard moms get banned when out carousing and whoring themselves, and the babies remain behind.
sparrowhawk: oh my
Mrs. President: And then…and then…*shudder*… then the landlords must DELETE THEM! I trust you are as shocked by this as I am. Quite frankly this is INFANTICIDE!

sparrowhawk: I’m trying to figure out the legal definition of infanticide for a prim
Mrs. President: Legalites. posh. the law also says that the fetus isn’t a baby. The law supports baby killing, so why should we be surprised if “the law” looks the other way here?

Mrs. President: Now listen sparrowhawk…
sparrowhawk: yes dear, you have my full attention
Mrs. President: Here is what I propose we do: Regulate the sale of prim babies. There must be an organization to control this.
sparrowhawk: oh? now i’m getting scared.
Mrs. President: I propose we put Joshua Nightshade in control of this. He is such a dearie.
sparrowhawk: oh?
Mrs. President: We will call it the Better Mommy Bureau. We will license prim baby adoption agencies.

sparrowhawk: yes, but you see the morality problem i am sure
Mrs. President: We will assure that the adopting PARENTS — no single mothers thank you very much — will be stable parents.
sparrowhawk: oh…
Mrs. President: Blingtards may not apply.
sparrowhawk: oh dear, that’s a very conservative agenda
Mrs. President: Well, conservatism in the defense of prim babies is no vice!

sparrowhawk: i suppose that goes for iraq too
Mrs. President: They have prim babies in Iraq?
sparrowhawk: they seem to have many other socially repulsive practices
Mrs. President: sparrowhawk dearie I would appreciate it if you would stay focused here.
sparrowhawk: yes dear… adoption agencies for babies, no blingtards

Mrs. President: I am currently involved in fundraising for this project.
Mrs. President: I’ve asked my dear friend Uri at the Herald to collect the funds for me. He was such a help during that trying time in the days of Pet Culling.
sparrowhawk: i see…

sparrowhawk: do you have a goal?
Mrs. President: Yes I have a goal: end this barbaric practice!
sparrowhawk: oh yes i remember that…your position was very moving.

Mrs. President: thank you. You see sparrowhawk, I am not crazy…
sparrowhawk: well yes
Mrs. President: … I know that these babies are digital and made of prims. They are not human, but are a reflection of our humanity. If we cannot treat *them* with respect we cannot treat real humans with respect. Do you see?
sparrowhawk: oh yes i see that clearly

Mrs. President: Will you join me in this cause and ask that your readers do likewise?
sparrowhawk: uh sure…bearing in mind that i have no children and no plans to add any to my inventory
Mrs. President: Brava dearie
sparrowhawk smiling sweetly but looking at you real funny by now

Mrs. President: Have a finger sandwich, they are delightful.
sparrowhawk: oh i am allergic to fingers dear but thank you

Mrs. President: I must take my leave now sweetie, I’m sure you will be a tremendous help to the cause.
sparrowhawk: thank you dear
Mrs. President: ttfn