Jimbo Quality and the Comment Suppository
by Alphaville Herald on 17/11/07 at 1:43 pm
Official SL Herald comment policy – a look at the backoffice
by Jimbo Quality
Readers’ comments travel through the tubes and are carefully sorted
A while ago I ‘splained how comments here work. In case you missed it, here’s a recap.
You people write them, then they go thru teh internets, then they get jumbled up and put through our comment thing, then they plop out here at the Herald Office. I know, because I catch them.
Well, not me. I have buckets. Miss Pixeleen says I’m not to touch the comments themselves.
Sometimes Miss Pixeleen says “Jimbo, get the big bucket” then we know it’s a story that’s gonna get a lot of comments and everyone stands around while I go to the cellar and get a big bucket. Then they stand around and watch the comments come pouring in. If it’s a really big story she tells me to get a vat. We go all the way up to oil barge when there’s a story about furry people having sex coming through the pipes.
For a while, it was looking like I might need to go live someplace else because no matter how hard I tried to hide, Miss Pixeleen would find me and tell me to go get a big bucket for some dumb story or another. Between furry stories, ageplay and anything by Tenshi, I was breaking my back hauling the comments around.
Jimbo Quality – professional comment container schlepper
Things calmed down, which was good. I do have a busy camping chair routine AND a presidential campaign to run, after all.
Then, a couple weeks ago, Miss Penance the nice purple cat lady, came to the offices and the comment thingy went batshit. You should have seen it; it took me, my invisible friend Jeebus and the godammed office parakeet sixteen straight hours of bucket duty to keep up with all the comments. I don’t know what she did or how many times she did it but I thought it was going to kill us.
Then, one day, I fell asleep and when I woke up I looked and all her buckets were empty. The other articles were full, the thingy seemed to be working right, just hers were gone. I told Jeebus I was going to hide and he should ask Miss Pixeleen what was going on. I figured I’d broken something. “Help me Jeebus,” I said.
“Not now, Jimbo,” Miss Pixeleen said as she stormed through the office, and I knew it was gonna be ok, at least for me, because she didn’t even kick me, or Jeebus, when she went by.
Curious, bored and underemployed, me, Jeebus and the bird hid and watched. We heard the comment thingy rumble and a whole bunch of comments came in and plopped into Miss Penance’s super-size bucket. Then poof, they disappeared. I looked at Jeebus and Jeebus looked at me. We both looked at the bird, who shrugged, feigning indifference.
“She’s deleting them, you moron,” called Miss Pixeleen from the other room.
Now, the series of events that happened after that is a little unclear, but here’s the best I can figure.
The Herald Office, in addition to my invisible friend Jeebus, has several spirits that hang around. As near as I can figure, the news that someone at the Herald was deleting comments was so shocking that either the ghost of Miss Murphy or of Mr. Prok stepped on Tenshi Vielle’s foot, because she got hopping around and bounced into Miss Justine, who spilled coffee on the bird, who flew like a pissed-off-supersonic feather-covered bullet right into my gaping pie hole. Yes, Jeebus saved me, with help of Dr. Heimlich. Tasted like chicken.
Needless to say, we were all a little shocked by the whole thing, ‘specially the bird.
At this point I should admit that I’ve got a longstanding case of comment envy. I schlep buckets and barrels and industrial vats around the office to catch all the comments people get. Meanwhile, they gave me a dixie cup with my name on it for my comments. My last article got ten. The one before that got two. I’ve framed them all, even the comments I wrote.
Jimbo’s personal comment bin
So here’s the deal. Give me your comments. I’ll treasure them. Some suggestions, in case you’re stuck.
Jimbo-
You’re the funniest Herald writer since Prokofy Neva.
Love,
Mooty
Jimbo-
Last night was incredible!
Love,
Callie
Yo Jimbo!
That raise you’ve wanted is yours.
Love,
Uri
Hey Jimbo!
You’ve always got a friend in me.
Love,
Jeebus
Hey Jimbo!
Vote for You,
Love,
Jimbo
Rem
Nov 17th, 2007
Dear Jimbo
You’re the funniest Herald writer.
Sadly, I am not joking at all.
Love,
Rem
Artemis Fate
Nov 17th, 2007
Make love to me, Jimbo.
Anonymous
Nov 17th, 2007
A suppository is a medication that you shove up your asshole.
A repository is a gathering of something.
anonymous
Nov 17th, 2007
Also, vote for ^ban^.
Arara
Nov 17th, 2007
Jimbo,
Just because.
Positive-but-not-love-feeling,
Arara
mootykips
Nov 17th, 2007
Jimbo -
You really ARE the funniest Herald writer since Prokofy Neva. Srsly. In fact, you may even top her (yes, I went there, I didn’t say “him”, bet you can’t catch me fatty). Your articles are witty while hers repeated the same things over and over (FIC, Leninists, griefers, Angel Fluffy, Lindens all being terrible at their jobs, Ravenglass).
You always manage to come up with something substantial, rather than just controversial. Why not just throw a few “furfag” references in there to get a little of the latter? W-HAT may be old hat but you’ve already got the PN audience and it wouldn’t hurt to get a three way bitch fest going. I understand you don’t want to sling mud considering your ongoing election campaign, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. Comment envy can be a horrid thing.
Love, and decapitated furries,
Mooty
P.S. If you have any positions open in your candidacy besides V.P. – let me know. I specialize in economics, foreign affairs, and being the little girl. Is there a rigorous appointee process?
urizenus
Nov 17th, 2007
Does this mean we have a comment policy or did that get lost in the tubes too?
Tera Shilova
Nov 17th, 2007
Jimbo, I love you! Your posts always make me smile and giggle. You’re the bomb.
But not the exploding kind, because I bet Jimbo pieces are hard to clean off fabric.
Ninjapirate
Nov 17th, 2007
Hehe. If all of the herald was made up of Jimbo’s articles, things would be a lot better ^-^
The only thing worse than the other writers of the Herald, are the trolls in the comments section of it.
Mark (the other mark)
Nov 17th, 2007
Hats off to the only writer here who doesn’t take himself too seriously.
Jumbo Quality
Nov 17th, 2007
“You always manage to come up with something substantial”
And this time there was substantial emptiness in the story. Thus, it can’t be controversial but it can’t be humorous either without content.
But I think that I will vote for Jimbo, because he is for the brainless, and they will deserve him. Nobody remembers anymore what happened the last time when the brainless was elected twice.
Ingrid Northmead
Nov 17th, 2007
Dearest Jimbo,
You ARE funny and your newbie hair is oh-so devilishly cute. I’d ask you to SLmarry me, but I think virtual bigamy is punishable by death or something, I don’t really know, I’m an upstanding mono citizen.
Sending my love through the intertubes,
Ingrid
Nina A
Nov 17th, 2007
Awww your little bucket is cute! Here’s a another note of encouragement.
Tenshi Vielle
Nov 17th, 2007
Jimbo, just because you make me smile and laugh doesn’t mean that you’re going to win the presidential race.
GET CRACKING!
–Tenshi, sniffing markers
marilyn murphy
Nov 17th, 2007
jimbo: i don’t comment because i don’t have anything to say. if i had something to say i might. got any suggestions? anyway, unless i get something to say, i’m not going to say anything and certainly won’t post to your article.
marilyn murphy
Nov 17th, 2007
ok i just saw something. the funniest thing about this article is that anonymous guy not getting the joke in the name. (sigh) now that’s funny right there. that’s funny. i don’t care who you are, that’s funny right there.
Aetuneo Novi
Nov 17th, 2007
Against my better judgment, have a comment, Jimbo.
Moxie Grumby
Nov 17th, 2007
I actually LOLed.
Brendan Cale
Nov 17th, 2007
Dear Jimbo,
You brighten up my date.
Love,
Brendan
Penance Sautereau
Nov 18th, 2007
Oh I never take myself too seriously. I just took the trolls too seriously for awhile. When I stopped and made a big ironic joke, I think Jimbo was drowned, the poor thing, by people who didn’t get the joke. Oh well, C’est la vie. Funny stuff Jimbo.
chmarr
Nov 18th, 2007
~points to the parrot~
NOOOO.NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOT THE DEAD PARROT
~runs to the hills screaming bloody murder~
anon
Nov 18th, 2007
He’s not dead, he’s just restin’. Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue? Beautiful plumage!
Penance Sautereau
Nov 18th, 2007
Plumage doesn’t enter into it my good man! He’s still dead!
Penance Sautereau
Nov 18th, 2007
“Then, a couple weeks ago, Miss Penance the nice purple cat lady, came to the offices and the comment thingy went batshit.”
That’s my new signature on Deviant Art.
IDK LOL
Nov 18th, 2007
Dear Jimbo,
MAKE LOVE TO ME MANMEAT
Love,
Anonymous
Mark
Nov 19th, 2007
“Oh I never take myself too seriously. I just took the trolls too seriously for awhile.”
Same thing.
Tenshi Vielle
Nov 20th, 2007
At the complete risk of turning this comment thread into something yet again about Penance, I’m going to take a moment to reply to her: Shut the f* up. Thank you!
Jimbo vs Bubba vs Dubya
Nov 20th, 2007
In a world filled with dumbass hick presidential candidates (I’m a hick too so its not racist to say so), one wonders how Jimbo would do in a Celebrity Death Match against Bubba Clinton and Dubya Bush…
Britney Spears
Nov 23rd, 2007
you look like you need one more
MaryMeek
Nov 23rd, 2007
Dear Jimby Buloo (this article derserves you getting a nickname of sorts.)
Here is one more message for your dixie cup. May it serve you well. I would prefer though if you laminated this comment before putting it into a pure silver picture frame with a fringe of gold. Please also ensure you put the picture frame up somewhere where the light can’t get to it and cause it some of the lettering to fade.
Your tale of woe regarding comments has moved me (towards the key board that is. Where I then wrote this comment) and I wish you luck on your endeavors. May your articles continue to be of this high witty standard. And if you get really stuck for gaining comments, why not just right age play or furry sex in the title? You’d be bound to lure numerous people into reading your articles then.
Yours readingly (meaning I intend to read more of your articles),
Mary Meek