The Super Sekret Sex Diary of Philip Linden

by Alphaville Herald on 25/06/08 at 10:19 pm

12th March, 2008

[8:23 a.m. SLT] Logged on today as Monkeybear Tailchaser. Spent an hour in one of the Furry sims playing “Hide-the-tentacle” with Tickling Mibutt and Throbbie McOcelot. Also had a quickie with Butterthighs Sweetlick, a sort of cross between Jessica Rabbit and a Wookie. Not sure if Butterthighs is a he or a she but it gives good cybersex!

[9:25 a.m. SLT] Crashed as the avatar count in the room hit 23. Overheard some of the guys in the office chatting around the water cooler. Some poor schmuck is about to have his avatar deleted. One of the guys said, “I hear old furry dick is for the chop. Some of the bankers think he’s a liability.”

[9:30 a.m. SLT] Logged back in for more tentacle fun. Missed board meeting! Hurrah! Funny no-one paged me.

[11:30 a.m. SLT] Lunch.

[2:30 p.m. SLT] Back from lunch. Record number of martinis. Scored with waitress. Logged in as Deepthrust Darklord and spent time in Castle Philip. Had three of my kajira play “Lick-the-Lollipop.” Took up arms against Runtwort Oblivious and his swarthy bunch of perverts. Captured a couple of slaves. Ate them. Crashed.

[3:45 p.m. SLT] Meeting with Human Resources. Patty wanted to ask if my resume was up to date. Looks like I could be in for a promotion! Asked Patty if she knew the avatar name Butterthighs Sweetlick and watched her eyes careful for any tell-tale flickers. She said no. Bang goes that theory. Wonder who Butterthighs really is?

[4:30 p.m. SLT] Phone call from Benchmark Capital. Said “Hi, this is Phil” and they hung up. Weird. Logged on as Bloodrayne Nightstalker and went to the Clan House. Decided to try out the new Xcite™ Cock Cage. Nice! Cassandra Paleflesh let me whip her before sex. Crashed. Relogged. More whipping. Crashed. Relogged. Cassandra had also crashed so tried out the new Xcite Anal Bondage Hook. Very nice! Hung around with the vamps – literally – until I crashed.

[6:15 p.m. SLT] Went to main office to meet with the gang. Gang had left. Odd. Couldn’t find my cell phone. Went to Dolce to see if anyone was there. They must have left. Scored with waitress. Asked her if Butterthighs Sweetlick rang any bells. She rang the police. Left and went home.

[9:00 p.m. SLT] Watched re-run of “House.” Love that dude. Simple plot: Something terrible happens; no-one knows what has caused it; all the clues are there and House finds them; House wins. I’m a bit like House – I can see the secret messages and read what’s going on. Pretty smart, huh?

[10:15 p.m. SLT] Logged in as Smarty O’Donnell. Went to CSI sim to find clues and solve puzzles. Found dead body. Had sex with corpse. Ate it. Got bored. TPed to Dolcett sim. More sex with skewered women and a skewered man. Imagine, a guy wanting to be skewered. Pervert! Logged off.

[12:15 a.m. SLT] Tried remote logging to my work e-mail. Couldn’t connect. Server must be acting up. Checked personal Gmail. Odd message from Pixeleen Mistral saying “Beware the Ides of March.” Griefer asshole. Wait until I talk to Torley about her – she’ll be sorry.

13th March, 2008

[7:00 a.m. SLT] Sucky start to the day: Out of Cap’n Crunch. Had to have Froot Loops. Logged on as Prokofy Neva. Went to Help Island and rezzed 223 dancing penises. LOL! Saw the real Prok trying to log in but couldn’t. ROFLMFAO!!! Left long, rambling letter at Second Life Herald about the article on “Second Life is all about Sex.” Load of crap. Logged off. Logged back on as Skipjack Flutterfins and had sex with two mermaids, one merman, and a dolphin. I think the dolphin was an alt for Patty but I can’t be sure. Crashed.

[8:00 a.m. SLT] Went to office and was surprised to see couple of the folks from Catamount Ventures in my room with some guy called Mark. Seems nice enough. Apparently he might be joining us. Didn’t like his suit. Excused myself to run to Peet’s for a coffee.

[8:45 a.m. SLT] Arrived for regular meeting to find the board there with Mark, the Catamount dudes, and some new chick from Globespan Capital. Damn, she is hot for an accountant. Forgot to ask her about Butterthighs. Another lucky day because they said I didn’t have to hang around and they’d fill me in tomorrow. Awesome. Ferris Bueller day ahead for Phil!!!

[9:00 a.m. SLT] Closed office door. Found KY Jelly™. Checked “Fiends Online” for Butterthighs but she wasn’t there. Logged in as Lavinia Luscious and headed for Lesbian Island. Almost blew my cover when I realized I was still wearing the Xcite™ Cock Cage. Whoops! Told them I had been subjecting a weak and worthless man to sexual teasing and had left him begging for sex. They cheered and I switched to my Xcite X3 Clit with Prim Vagina and Xcite Nipples. Crashed. Logged back in for two minutes. Crashed again. Dropped KY Jelly. Logged back in. Crashed big time. Fucking Europeans hogging the bandwidth. Need to talk to R&D about blocking logins while I’m on Lesbian Island.

[11:00 a.m. SLT] Decided to take early lunch. R&D had forgot to tell me about the “Rolling Start” and my date with six lesbians, three hobbits called Bob, and a food processor, would have to wait until the server was back up. Heard lots of laughter coming from the board meeting and stuck my head in. Mark had his feet on the table and the hot chick from Globespan was laughing and touching his arm. Slut. Mark told me they were having a working lunch so I should take an extended lunch break. Very extended. Everyone laughed but I didn’t get the joke. Must have been something I missed earlier. But what the hell, Martini time!

[3:00 p.m. SLT] Tripped back into the office. Don’t think anyone spotted I was a little tipsy. I’m the boss, so it’s OK. What they going to do – fire me? Logged on as Cloudstrider Dragonmeister and TPed to the Isle of Wyrms. Rezzed my modified dragon, DeathBringer, and flew around burning up some noobs. Used the griefer-built Dragon Dick™ attachment on DeathBringer and had him rape a few other dragons. So funny! Nice to have griefer tools – especially when you can ban everyone else’s. Butterthighs still not on. Felt a little drunk and horny so TPed to Schoolgirl Heaven and found some innocent little things who wanted spanking. Couldn’t rez the Xcite Cock because of sim restrictions so had to make do with the equipment already there. Amazing what you can do with two canes, a blackboard eraser, and a pair of glasses. Crashed.

[5:15 p.m. SLT] Woke up with keyboard marks on my cheek. Heard folks at the water cooler talking. I think they were talking about the classic wartime movie “Night of the Long Knives” because I’m pretty sure the words “long” and “knives” were in there. Board meeting over. Everyone gone. Funny no-one told me they were going. Decided to go home early nursing a headache.

[7:30 p.m. SLT] Logged in as Philip Linden to see if I could impress some noobs. Spent some time talking to a clutch of chicks who promised me anything if I could get them skins, bodies, clothes, and Xcite parts. Told them that would be unethical and made a list of their names for when I relogged as Croesus Richbody. Crashed.

[9:30 p.m. SLT] Checked “Fiends Online” and saw Butterthighs was on. Logged in as Croesus Richbody and tracked down two of the noobs and offered them $5000 lindens each to come party with me and Butterthighs. Used my newly acquired griefer-built Capture™ script and took control of the noobs bodies. LOL! Sometimes forget what you can do with noobie avatars before they realize all they have to do to stop the torture is hit CTRL Q. Got another chance to use the Cock Cage, and Butterthighs had the Xcite-compatible rack all prepared. Crashed. Relogged. Crashed. Relogged. Hit computer.

[12:05 a.m.] Rolling Start over – again – and logged on as Twinkiebell Flutterby, the ambiguously gendered faerie. Met up with Butterthighs who said, “Hey Twinky, you know you’re fucked, don’t yah?” I asked if he/she meant fucked up, but he/she laughed. Sometimes I don’t get Butterthighs. Get an IM from the Mistral chick wishing me luck but I put her on mute. Bitch. TPed to faerie orgy but found it boring. Must be tired. Went to bed still logged in.

March 14th, 2008

[7:00 a.m. SLT] Wake up as see the screen. Twinkiebell has (Away) above his/her and is in a cage covered in white goo. Looked like a cross between semen and snail slime. Maybe it was. I hate to think what happened to the avatar while I was sleeping. Sickos. Hit the log out key and ate two Ibuprofen™ for breakfast.

[8:30 a.m. SLT] Snuck into work a little late but no-one seemed to be watching. The guys had played a big joke and moved all the stuff out of my office. Those guys! They kill me!! In the middle of the room they’d left a cardboard box and inside it was this diary and a three-ring binder marked “Read Me.” Took them into a spare room and decided to write in my journal before checking out the “Read Me” folder.

[9:30 am SLT] Shit! The “Read Me” file is a list of all my IM’s from all my alts! Shit shit shit! Who the fuck recorded them? It’s against the Terms Of Service to record Second Life™ messages. I should know because this is exactly what we don’t want happening! Wait, there’s a security guard at the door carrying an envelope – is that pink?

March 15th, 2008

This is my last entry. I’m going to toss this journal in a box at home and leave it. I should really burn it but I doubt it will ever get into anyone else’s hands. Yesterday I was given a choice. I think I made the right one. Truth to tell, there wasn’t really a choice at all. Mark handed me the scripted press release with my lines on it and I hesitated. Then he looked at me, gave a wink, and whispered one word: Butterthighs.


16 Responses to “The Super Sekret Sex Diary of Philip Linden”

  1. Night Morrisey

    Jun 25th, 2008

    Ummmmm… am i missing something here? Why does this piece not have an author listed? Does no one want to own up to it?

  2. fsadfsdfsdfv

    Jun 25th, 2008


    In b4 BAWWWWW

  3. wercs setihw

    Jun 26th, 2008

    tl, dr. Anybody want to sum it up?

  4. Prokofy Neva

    Jun 26th, 2008

    This is from the genre called slashfic. But usually boys don’t write slashfic, girls do.

  5. Danger359

    Jun 26th, 2008

    Enjoyed this very much. Great satire because it hits close to home (er., in general, for SL people that is). Reminded me of that website during the Internet bubble, I can remember checking that almost every day.

  6. Connie Sec

    Jun 26th, 2008

    I LOVE this..but then I’m sick too.

  7. Ludvig van Cocklemongler

    Jun 26th, 2008

    Worst article ever.

  8. FlipperPA Peregrine

    Jun 26th, 2008

    This would be funny if it were funny at all. FAIL.

  9. Marc Woebegone

    Jun 26th, 2008


  10. Sangrej

    Jun 26th, 2008

    Was this supposed to be funny?

  11. BJ Tabor

    Jun 26th, 2008

    Randolf Hearst would be proud.

  12. Mony

    Jun 26th, 2008

    I loved the Prokofy part. This was wild. In several countries less than this would mean public execution. Probably no one is safe after this. Thank you sekret author, maybe you will need to send an authoring claim notice after this, but no one will beleive such a nice citizen did it.

    “S”econd “L”ife You nuts!

  13. DF

    Jun 26th, 2008

    “This is from the genre called slashfic. But usually boys don’t write slashfic, girls do.”

    Girls, and gay boys of course :)

  14. fillupneva

    Jun 26th, 2008

    I was strolling through the frantic clutter of SL5B the other day. Meandering down some lost and lonely back road which was to the south west of the main pavillion area. Grey panels all around me waiting to rez so I walk slowly giving them a chance to reveal. So much propaganda, so little time. Ahead of me was a huge statue, still grey with only an outline form. Who would put up something that ungodly huge? Was it homage to the new Incredible Hulk movie? It must be 30 meters tall or more. Arranged around the statue’s feet in occasional semicircles and enclosed in a courtyard with high walls were a hundred smaller pictures with what looked like unrezzed name tags on their bottom. A weird thought flashed through my mind in this still-grey New Orleans style graveyard that perhaps the leering statue was of some Leninist or Stalinist style Russian Slum Lord proudly lourding over a sea of their tenants who were of course very happy smiling heads pleased to be lourded over. A kind of chill came over me then. I glanced up and saw the “no-script” and “no-build” options were set. It surprised me that my first thought was to check my defense capabilities vis-a-vis the build permissions instead of just watching the mini-map radar for danger. Some innate sense kicking in? Was someone watching me? Besides the big grey statue I mean? Would some kind of weird Landlord Henge evoke that kind of paranoia? Even if it was Russian? Strange what love has done. So strange, what love has done… But then… THEN things started to clear up a little bit. Like “coming-to” after a particularly nasty psychogenic fugue begins to clear. After about 5 minutes hundreds of folded faces began to rez in. As though rapidly passing eons were wearing away the Carbomite from Han Solo’s face. It seemed like there were were over 9000 of them. But it was probably more like about 300 or so. Then the little name tags below the pictures began to rez in too. All those hundreds of little people in those pictures all arranged like they were offering up dutiful prayers to the giant statue lourding over them. They all had the same last name. All the little pictures with their little nametags looking up to the giant statue were all a part of one big family with the same last name: LINDEN. Blam. Worse than russian vodka dribbling through the cracks of a beat tennement hall. LINDEN. I wheeled around. The statue was still there behind me leering towards the sky. The name on the base of the statue was now visible in bas-relief: PHILIP LINDEN. WEIRD. There were Linden eyes looking at me then. Hundreds of them. Since each head had 2 eyeballs there could have been close to 1000 Linden EyeBalls looking at me. Everywhere I looked. Around and around I turned. There they were on all sides of me… just looking. Staring. I was frozen in place. What Linden inspired technology could save me now in the midst of this Linden Technological nightmare? And then like a magical solution in this land of magical solutions, my client locked up and the whole fucking thing came sneezing and wheezing down to one little box in the middle of my screen: “Do you wish to send a crash report YES/NO ??” LOL :)

  15. Prokofy Neva

    Jun 27th, 2008


  16. Angel

    Jun 27th, 2008

    Fun read… but I want to go to a Faerie Orgy now.

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