The Alphaville Herald

The Super Sekret Sex Diary of Philip Linden

by Alphaville Herald on 25/06/08 at 10:19 pm

[8:23 a.m. SLT] Logged on today as Monkeybear Tailchaser. Spent an hour in one of the Furry sims playing “Hide-the-tentacle” with Tickling Mibutt and Throbbie McOcelot. Also had a quickie with Butterthighs Sweetlick, a sort of cross between Jessica Rabbit and a Wookie. Not sure if Butterthighs is a he or a she but it gives good cybersex!

[9:25 a.m. SLT] Crashed as the avatar count in the room hit 23. Overheard some of the guys in the office chatting around the water cooler. Some poor schmuck is about to have his avatar deleted. One of the guys said, “I hear old furry dick is for the chop. Some of the bankers think he’s a liability.”

[9:30 a.m. SLT] Logged back in for more tentacle fun. Missed board meeting! Hurrah! Funny no-one paged me.

[11:30 a.m. SLT] Lunch.

[2:30 p.m. SLT] Back from lunch. Record number of martinis. Scored with waitress. Logged in as Deepthrust Darklord and spent time in Castle Philip. Had three of my kajira play “Lick-the-Lollipop.” Took up arms against Runtwort Oblivious and his swarthy bunch of perverts. Captured a couple of slaves. Ate them. Crashed.

[3:45 p.m. SLT] Meeting with Human Resources. Patty wanted to ask if my resume was up to date. Looks like I could be in for a promotion! Asked Patty if she knew the avatar name Butterthighs Sweetlick and watched her eyes careful for any tell-tale flickers. She said no. Bang goes that theory. Wonder who Butterthighs really is?

[4:30 p.m. SLT] Phone call from Benchmark Capital. Said “Hi, this is Phil” and they hung up. Weird. Logged on as Bloodrayne Nightstalker and went to the Clan House. Decided to try out the new Xcite™ Cock Cage. Nice! Cassandra Paleflesh let me whip her before sex. Crashed. Relogged. More whipping. Crashed. Relogged. Cassandra had also crashed so tried out the new Xcite Anal Bondage Hook. Very nice! Hung around with the vamps – literally – until I crashed.

[6:15 p.m. SLT] Went to main office to meet with the gang. Gang had left. Odd. Couldn’t find my cell phone. Went to Dolce to see if anyone was there. They must have left. Scored with waitress. Asked her if Butterthighs Sweetlick rang any bells. She rang the police. Left and went home.

[9:00 p.m. SLT] Watched re-run of “House.” Love that dude. Simple plot: Something terrible happens; no-one knows what has caused it; all the clues are there and House finds them; House wins. I’m a bit like House – I can see the secret messages and read what’s going on. Pretty smart, huh?

[10:15 p.m. SLT] Logged in as Smarty O’Donnell. Went to CSI sim to find clues and solve puzzles. Found dead body. Had sex with corpse. Ate it. Got bored. TPed to Dolcett sim. More sex with skewered women and a skewered man. Imagine, a guy wanting to be skewered. Pervert! Logged off.

[12:15 a.m. SLT] Tried remote logging to my work e-mail. Couldn’t connect. Server must be acting up. Checked personal Gmail. Odd message from Pixeleen Mistral saying “Beware the Ides of March.” Griefer asshole. Wait until I talk to Torley about her – she’ll be sorry.

[7:00 a.m. SLT] Sucky start to the day: Out of Cap’n Crunch. Had to have Froot Loops. Logged on as Prokofy Neva. Went to Help Island and rezzed 223 dancing penises. LOL! Saw the real Prok trying to log in but couldn’t. ROFLMFAO!!! Left long, rambling letter at Second Life Herald about the article on “Second Life is all about Sex.” Load of crap. Logged off. Logged back on as Skipjack Flutterfins and had sex with two mermaids, one merman, and a dolphin. I think the dolphin was an alt for Patty but I can’t be sure. Crashed.

[8:00 a.m. SLT] Went to office and was surprised to see couple of the folks from Catamount Ventures in my room with some guy called Mark. Seems nice enough. Apparently he might be joining us. Didn’t like his suit. Excused myself to run to Peet’s for a coffee.

[8:45 a.m. SLT] Arrived for regular meeting to find the board there with Mark, the Catamount dudes, and some new chick from Globespan Capital. Damn, she is hot for an accountant. Forgot to ask her about Butterthighs. Another lucky day because they said I didn’t have to hang around and they’d fill me in tomorrow. Awesome. Ferris Bueller day ahead for Phil!!!

[9:00 a.m. SLT] Closed office door. Found KY Jelly™. Checked “Fiends Online” for Butterthighs but she wasn’t there. Logged in as Lavinia Luscious and headed for Lesbian Island. Almost blew my cover when I realized I was still wearing the Xcite™ Cock Cage. Whoops! Told them I had been subjecting a weak and worthless man to sexual teasing and had left him begging for sex. They cheered and I switched to my Xcite X3 Clit with Prim Vagina and Xcite Nipples. Crashed. Logged back in for two minutes. Crashed again. Dropped KY Jelly. Logged back in. Crashed big time. Fucking Europeans hogging the bandwidth. Need to talk to R&D about blocking logins while I’m on Lesbian Island.

[11:00 a.m. SLT] Decided to take early lunch. R&D had forgot to tell me about the “Rolling Start” and my date with six lesbians, three hobbits called Bob, and a food processor, would have to wait until the server was back up. Heard lots of laughter coming from the board meeting and stuck my head in. Mark had his feet on the table and the hot chick from Globespan was laughing and touching his arm. Slut. Mark told me they were having a working lunch so I should take an extended lunch break. Very extended. Everyone laughed but I didn’t get the joke. Must have been something I missed earlier. But what the hell, Martini time!

[3:00 p.m. SLT] Tripped back into the office. Don’t think anyone spotted I was a little tipsy. I’m the boss, so it’s OK. What they going to do – fire me? Logged on as Cloudstrider Dragonmeister and TPed to the Isle of Wyrms. Rezzed my modified dragon, DeathBringer, and flew around burning up some noobs. Used the griefer-built Dragon Dick™ attachment on DeathBringer and had him rape a few other dragons. So funny! Nice to have griefer tools – especially when you can ban everyone else’s. Butterthighs still not on. Felt a little drunk and horny so TPed to Schoolgirl Heaven and found some innocent little things who wanted spanking. Couldn’t rez the Xcite Cock because of sim restrictions so had to make do with the equipment already there. Amazing what you can do with two canes, a blackboard eraser, and a pair of glasses. Crashed.

[5:15 p.m. SLT] Woke up with keyboard marks on my cheek. Heard folks at the water cooler talking. I think they were talking about the classic wartime movie “Night of the Long Knives” because I’m pretty sure the words “long” and “knives” were in there. Board meeting over. Everyone gone. Funny no-one told me they were going. Decided to go home early nursing a headache.

[7:30 p.m. SLT] Logged in as Philip Linden to see if I could impress some noobs. Spent some time talking to a clutch of chicks who promised me anything if I could get them skins, bodies, clothes, and Xcite parts. Told them that would be unethical and made a list of their names for when I relogged as Croesus Richbody. Crashed.

[9:30 p.m. SLT] Checked “Fiends Online” and saw Butterthighs was on. Logged in as Croesus Richbody and tracked down two of the noobs and offered them $5000 lindens each to come party with me and Butterthighs. Used my newly acquired griefer-built Capture™ script and took control of the noobs bodies. LOL! Sometimes forget what you can do with noobie avatars before they realize all they have to do to stop the torture is hit CTRL Q. Got another chance to use the Cock Cage, and Butterthighs had the Xcite-compatible rack all prepared. Crashed. Relogged. Crashed. Relogged. Hit computer.

[12:05 a.m.] Rolling Start over – again – and logged on as Twinkiebell Flutterby, the ambiguously gendered faerie. Met up with Butterthighs who said, “Hey Twinky, you know you’re fucked, don’t yah?” I asked if he/she meant fucked up, but he/she laughed. Sometimes I don’t get Butterthighs. Get an IM from the Mistral chick wishing me luck but I put her on mute. Bitch. TPed to faerie orgy but found it boring. Must be tired. Went to bed still logged in.

[7:00 a.m. SLT] Wake up as see the screen. Twinkiebell has (Away) above his/her and is in a cage covered in white goo. Looked like a cross between semen and snail slime. Maybe it was. I hate to think what happened to the avatar while I was sleeping. Sickos. Hit the log out key and ate two Ibuprofen™ for breakfast.

[8:30 a.m. SLT] Snuck into work a little late but no-one seemed to be watching. The guys had played a big joke and moved all the stuff out of my office. Those guys! They kill me!! In the middle of the room they’d left a cardboard box and inside it was this diary and a three-ring binder marked “Read Me.” Took them into a spare room and decided to write in my journal before checking out the “Read Me” folder.

[9:30 am SLT] Shit! The “Read Me” file is a list of all my IM’s from all my alts! Shit shit shit! Who the fuck recorded them? It’s against the Terms Of Service to record Second Life™ messages. I should know because this is exactly what we don’t want happening! Wait, there’s a security guard at the door carrying an envelope – is that pink?

This is my last entry. I’m going to toss this journal in a box at home and leave it. I should really burn it but I doubt it will ever get into anyone else’s hands. Yesterday I was given a choice. I think I made the right one. Truth to tell, there wasn’t really a choice at all. Mark handed me the scripted press release with my lines on it and I hesitated. Then he looked at me, gave a wink, and whispered one word: Butterthighs.

Bastard!