Lindens Court Hillbilly-and-Redneck Market?

by Alphaville Herald on 17/02/09 at 7:33 am

by Pappy Enoch, Hellbilly Filosofur


Miz Pixeleen dun sed that lots o' y'all bin cornfused by the fotygraph of a gal an' a fish what them Lindens put on Secund Life.

Ain't no puzzlement about it, peeps. Let me tell yu sum'fin asplain as the nose on the side o' my head: Them Lindens am short onmunny, losin' kustumers tu Wirld o' Warcrack n' cheaper, old-timey funlike drinkin' rotgut, getting' nekkid, an' shootin' stuff in reel life.

So ol' King Mark Linden dun gotten ovur bein' so snooty, and amlookin' outside Silly Cone Valley for plane-old boys frum down South tuemmygrate tu his fake wirld, wif cold cash in hand.

Becuz I duz pro-bony wurk fo' a college, I'm a-gonna put on my thinkin' hat tu anal-ize the picture rite now n' prove my pint.

That gal dun catched herself a big ol' bass, an her leetle-bittysweater am zipped down as far as it kin go wifout showin' her boo… (letmee be perlite, cuz gals reeds  this)…her cha-cha-bingos. 


Nowthe foty-graf don't 'zackly holler "sine up wif SL so's yu kin gitnekkid n' git lucky," but it do IMPLY a thang or two. In Enoch Holler,we'd call that gal n' fish a "three-lunker speshul." While ol' lunkernumbur wun am bein' scorched for a fish-fry,  yu gits tu play sum"motorboat" on lunkers number 2 & 3.

Hoo whee! I dun wurked up a sweat.

Now I ain't aimin' tu saythem Lindens gots durty minds. They fotygraf am rite coy. They amaimin' fo' a high-tone class o' fellers n' not the trash.  But mark mywurds: Secund Life cood bee a-headin' intu the guttur faster'n aKappy-Alphy pledge gone tu New Orleens fo' Mardi Bras. If'n this galan' fish don't bring in bizness, I reckon we'll be a-seein' buck-nekkid gals wif chain-saws, munster trucks, n' whipped creem tupull in the REAL low-ball demmy-graphic.

That am why I bin hired tu sweat out this-here collum. I are so lowyu cain't git under mee.  Now du I git that Pullet Surprise yu dunpromised mee, Miz Pixeleen?

31 Responses to “Lindens Court Hillbilly-and-Redneck Market?”

  1. FaceLight

    Feb 17th, 2009

    It’s called “Facelight” and it’s been around since forever. She’s looking down, so the invisible ‘lighted’ prims attached to her head are along the same angle, which just happens to lit up her breasts. I hate facelight. It drowns out all other light in a room. The other day I was sitting by a fire enjoying the warm orange glow, and a friend TP’d in with facelight and lit up the entire room into a sterile white.

    “Oh, but people won’t see my face/it won’t be shadowed corretly/blah blah blah”. Well, look at the Photo Pappy Enoch found and think about your facelight again. People act like their faces need to be Times Square 24/7. No one cares what you look like because you all look like Casper to everyone anyway. Have fun rezzing.

  2. Moses

    Feb 17th, 2009

    why is it even worth an article ? what happen to the old rule of journalism. it is the first question to ask before you write a article.

    “who cares ?”

    me and the other few posters who will respond. to fill up some space ?
    i know it is not a real news paper. there is no real stories. it is just ‘entertainment journalism’. like professional wrestling is ‘entertainment sports’.

    here. i have left you my turds of wisdom. dodge them as you like.

  3. JayR Cela

    Feb 17th, 2009

    Lol / histerikale
    made for a good healthy laff
    great job /

    JauR Cela

  4. Pappy Enoch, Cub Reporter

    Feb 17th, 2009

    Moses dun writ:

    “i have left you my turds of wisdom. dodge them as you like.”

    Awl I dun seed was “turds” so I ain’t dodgin’ nuffin’ Moses, cuz I plans to use that elly-cushion in a future collum rite here :)

    But I kin reeply to wun qwestion yu dun had: Why write it up?

    Cuz they dun pade me tu do it, yu skillet-headed rascal.

    It beets drinkin’– no, wait — it beets wantin’ tu drink wif an empty bottul. Now I gots mee a new full wun. Wen it runs out, I’ll beg Miz Pixeleen fo’ an udder job wif this fine noosepapur.

    Reel or fake? Hoo keers? This am leastways as reel as the Cornville Hooter back near Enoch Holler, ‘cept the foty-grafs of the gals am bettur at the Alphyville Herald (even if a bunch o’ them am fellers).

    Look out fo’ ol’ Pharaoh, Moses! Hoo Whee! He mite be a Hillbilly!

  5. Sigmund Leominster

    Feb 17th, 2009

    I can’t wait to see Pappy Enoch and Jumpman Lane getting into an extended written argument. The damage to the English language is likely to be not only of biblical proportions but possibly the most entertaining non-literary event of 2009!

    I’ve got my bookmark to already primed…

  6. Emperor Norton Hears a Who?

    Feb 17th, 2009

    I see someone discovered one of those joke dialect translator programs. Should we expect an article in Ebonics next?

  7. Alyx Stoklitsky

    Feb 17th, 2009

    Redneck? I’m not seeing it.

    I’ve been calling this picture ‘fish girl’ for a while, and even though I usually hate facelights with an intense fucking passion, I have a certain fondness for it.

    I don’t know why.

    Perhaps it’s sexual.

  8. Stephie Dawes

    Feb 17th, 2009

    Holy fuck it’s fishgirl!

    She’s my favorite opening screen. <3 We have a special bond.

  9. Shauna Skye

    Feb 17th, 2009

    Don’t have the patience to decipher this. If you’re trying to imitate a southern accent to be funny at least get the accent right. Damn yankee.

  10. Sitearm Madonna

    Feb 17th, 2009

    Some of these comments are outrageous. I for one welcome Pappy to Jernalizim and admonish you know who you are to show more tolerance. Some of my best friends are from Enoch Holler and my brother’s second cousin on our mother’s is married to one.

  11. Stephan Peck

    Feb 17th, 2009

    Hard to fathom that someone would spend so much time to make an article unreadable. Attempts at a written accept equals fail.

  12. Professor C

    Feb 18th, 2009

    Well. So much for quality articles. If this is a sign of the new quality of this site this will be even more fun times.

  13. Eva Ryan

    Feb 18th, 2009

    Okay, Okay, OK… I’m southern too; but, I’m not uneducated (yes, I have the accent and I can’t rid myself of it). Please, for the love of GOD, stop this incessant misspelling. It’s worse than 733T-speak, or cellphone texting.

    /me runs over to the TV and shuts off the movie: Deliverance

  14. I am writing, in my status as Professor Emeritus of Southern Culture at Yoknapatawpha Institute of Technology, to concur with my colleague, Professor C.

    Mr. Enoch is a bumpkin of the first rank. I am also certain that he SMELLS rank. In fact, he is a modern photocopy of any number of Southern Trickster figures, all of them speaking in incomprehensible dialect that must be read aloud to be found humorous (if one CAN find humor in such a contemptible murder of our Mother Tongue).

    Tut Tut, Alphaville Herald.

    Such figures are beneath our notice (or “noddis” as they may say) since they often lampoon what authors consider the vapid notions and cultural practices of their betters. Just who Enoch’s betters may be, in the hallucination known as “Second Life,” I shall leave to my gentle (and ungentle) readers.

    Since we (meaning me and those still reading) ARE Enoch’s betters, ergo we have no cultural practices or notions he or his peers are capable of lampooning in their malapropic squatter’s “dialect,” which is an oral form of humor twisted into print.

    I put before you Huckleberry Finn and his squatter father; William Faulkner’s Mink and Flem Snopes (as well as Ike Snopes, who had carnal relations with a cow–but I digress); Hazel Motes, Hoover Shoats, and Enoch Emory of Flannery O’Connor’s Wise Blood, but most particularly the despicable Sut Lovingood, found by the inestimable and wise critic Edmund Wilson to be no more than “a peasant squatting in his own filth.”

    I find it doubly shameful that Southerners (well, we claim Clemens in spite of his Missourian childhood) would attack our venerable civilization.

    Thus Mr. Peck strikes the proverbial 16-D nail squarely upon its galvanized head…one simply must read such inanity aloud or be bamboozled by the circuitous orthography of this backwoods “humorist.” Thus we laugh at verbal antics of Jethro Bodine, yet not the deliberate misspellings of antebellum Southern Frontier humorists.

    We Southerners should be rightly offended by such mockery. It is shameful indeed that a lowbrow sub-moron such as Enoch be permitted to sully the pixels of this–or any other–publication. I would recommend that the Herald hitch its journalistic wagon to brighter stars:

    –talking genitals,
    –virtual pregnancy,
    –Gorean slavegirls,
    –secret orgies at Linden Lab’s in-world properties.

    Until then, I shall dedicate my attentions to eradicating pantaloons such as Enoch from the face of the metaverse.

    My only regret in this sorry affair is my inexplicable cravings to toss fish-girl upon her backside and have my carnal way with her, while making sashimi of said “lunker” bass in the glow of her face-light.

    I remain your most humble and obedient servant,

    Diogenes Teastrake Beauregard McTavish Stamdee, Professor Emeritus

  15. Zillow Dejavu

    Feb 18th, 2009

    This being trying times and all, I see this photo as someone who is down and out on her luck. Someone who lost her job and may now be homeless. She could have been a middle-class business professional once, but these are tough times all around. That was my take, at least.

  16. mootykips

    Feb 18th, 2009


  17. Thank’ee fo’ stickin’ up fo’ a po’ boy, Sitearm. Wif a Texan on my side, I ain’t a-gonna lose this fite.

    I bin told that I are my own grandpa. Mite yu have kin frum the Sitearm famberly that come frum Nekkid-Top Mountun?

    They was always good frends in a feud. We called ‘em Sidearms, becuz they packed .44s.

    An’ tu yu all:

    don’t listen to no Perfessur named Toeregard Teabag! He dun sent mee hate mail and am a furst-rate SNOB. He could not earn the minimal wage kleenin’ outhouses. That am why they dun hired him at a college.

  18. Cjay Price

    Feb 18th, 2009

    The Face light, yup they all suck, and thats cause the scripters dont know how to set the rolloff and diameter correctly, or most designers are to lazy to really understand the script… You want a good face light that really works? I rescripted it so it dont blast you out….funny I was just fappin about this a month ago,,, but anyways if you want a one prim face light that works right then contact me and I will sell you one for a 50L$

    whata deal…. Cjay Price

  19. This Takes the Cake

    Feb 18th, 2009

    “Thank’ee fo’ stickin’ up fo’ a po’ boy, Sitearm. Wif a Texan on my side, I ain’t a-gonna lose this fite. I bin told that I are my own grandpa. Mite yu have kin frum the Sitearm famberly that come frum Nekkid-Top Mountun? They was always good frends in a feud. We called ‘em Sidearms, becuz they packed .44s. An’ tu yu all: don’t listen to no Perfessur named Toeregard Teabag! He dun sent mee hate mail and am a furst-rate SNOB. He could not earn the minimal wage kleenin’ outhouses. That am why they dun hired him at a college.

    Posted by: Pappy Enoch, A Cryin’ his po’ eyes out at the meen peepul | February 18, 2009 at 10:59 AM”


    i just have to say, there’s entertainment on this site worth coming back for, then there’s rehash we could all do without – AND THEN THERE’S THIS PAPPY CRAP! And being fairly restrained myself in the usage of the word “retarded” (because it’s just too easy for most to take this site TOO seriously), I have to admit, in this case, with this recent splurge of Pappy crap, being “RETARDED” on the internet has truly been redefined. We all know SL is on the decline, but show some freaking class on this site during the denial, anger, bargaining, depression & acceptance stages would ya?

    This broken english gibberish goes WAY BEYOND “fairly unbalanced”.

    Keep this up and you’re destined to go down in the anals (don’t get excited there Prok – it’s not that kind of anals – LMAO),

    the anals of internet history as


  20. Marine Sniper

    Feb 19th, 2009

    I find this title to this as your inabilty to do journalism. Its a slap in the face to Southerners. Would you like me to call you the names I call Norhterners? I have lived there. LOL there is 500 inbred facotry workers per 1 professional. Most doesnt have a college degree. I have several. If you want to get technical I am ready for a pissing match I am game!

  21. vampire name generator

    Feb 19th, 2009

    ok…this article is hilarious..i like the red’neck paawts.

  22. Jezz Enoch

    Feb 19th, 2009

    Will YU all shut up! Lard-butt am a Southerner–frum Ol’ Virginny SW o’ Galax–an’ my worf’less brother.

    That no good, tom-cattin’, bandy-legged, pussel-gut, retarded pole cat owes me 135 MILLION Linden Dollars an’ a glass eye. This writin’ thing am the first idear he dun had that got me anything more’n “Sissy, I promises tu git you sum munny tu buy an eyeball when I gits out o’ jail.”

    Southerners am allowed tu make fun o’ ourselves. If’n a Yankee duz it, that am differunt: we jist shoots ‘em. But I wood love tu hear the names they calls us, so’s I kin use ‘em on fat-stuff in kase he don’t pay up (and then shoot his fat butt).

  23. Patrick Cleburne

    Feb 19th, 2009

    You “journalists” wouldn’t know a redneck if he ran over your sorry asses in a Camaro.

    If you want to learn how to write in a Southern dialect I would suggest reading Willaim Faulkner because your article comes off like it was written by some dumb ape from the rust belt or even worse, up in New York. God damn yankees.

  24. Tizzers BnT

    Feb 19th, 2009

    I’m actually quite offended by this. Classism sucks.

  25. General Drama

    Feb 19th, 2009

    Jezus Pix, if you want a hick to write for you, ask Enus Linden. There is a difference between having a twang and being illiterate.

  26. Tenchi Morigi

    Feb 20th, 2009

    I simply can´t stop laughing … not at the article but at the comments.
    I know Pappy for two years now and he and I had some of the best times in SL … and that even without the need of jumping out of our clothes actually.

    SL is weird and there are quite a few “fetishes” that are weirder then someone living up to his Hillbilly heritage. In fact listening a bit closer to him will notice the deep wisdom that are hidden behind them.

    But I guess since he isn´t part of your BDSM parlors, won´t whip you back bloody and does not have talking genitals, talking prim baby bellies or talking prim baby genitals make him useless.

    Its a real pity to see once again how insensitive some people react when someone offers a new facette for a SL figure that is NOT out of the regular Sex-, Gor-, Surferhunk-, Barbiegirl-, Cute Furry Fox Shelf. Your lack of imagination and lack to appreciate originality disappoints me.

    (Member of the Enoch Holler Hellbillies since 2007)

  27. Hey Tenchi

    Feb 20th, 2009

    @Tenchi Morigi

    No one is bashing your ‘originality’ to act like The Beverly HillBillies in where ever sim you are. No one cares about you or Pappy.

    No, what they are complaining about is the fact that your friend tried to bring his dyslexia inducing ‘accent’ into an internet tabloid article. Believe it or not, we prefer to be able to read the hilariously shitty posts. You may find this crap funny or wise or whatever, but I’ll call it what it is: shit. Leave it in your own sim instead of forcing it on us.

  28. Debi Dastardly

    Feb 21st, 2009

    Hey I resemble this I come from poor white trash I’m deeply offended ……….not lol

  29. Valentina Kendal

    Feb 23rd, 2009

    This i very funny, except every time I see that start-up screen I think to myself ‘who the hell dresses like that to go fishing??’
    (and for the record, even some of us yankees find the southern bashing a bit offensive too, not to mention probably confusing as hell for your readers from other countries)

  30. Tenshi Vielle

    Feb 24th, 2009

    This is classic. F’ing Herald Classic. I LOL’d.

  31. Obvious troll is obvious

    Mar 3rd, 2009

    Y’all posting in a troll thread, you do realize that dont you?

    Guessing by the number of comments… LAWL

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