Op/Ed: Second Life Smut Must Be Purged!
by Alphaville Herald on 26/03/09 at 7:45 am
End Linden orgies for a better, more decent world
by Miss Petunia Amaryllis Courtney Taliaferro, Second Life League of Decency
LindenLab has decided to uproot the nefarious weeds sown by Second Life’ssalacious Sybarites. My sisters and brothers in the League of Decencywill assist in the painful process of purging perversion from ourpresence.
Caveat Lector: Dear reader, if you don’t have reading skills tofathom my brilliance, you should either get yourself a copy ofWebster’s New Collegiate or go play some children’s game with simplerwords.
Now on to my story.
I risked health and maidenly honour at an free-sex “club,” where Idid some first-hand research. Even that notorious deviant Oscar Wildewould blanche at the offenses to good taste and decency that I saw ondisplay. I have recovered enough from the vapors that nearly overcameme to call you to arms!
Here are the first targets for SLOD’s righteous rage:
TalkingNether Regions: Well, I never. Why on earth would you want THAT totalk? Surely this is a sign of moral, if not mental, weakness. I amshocked and appalled that anyone would want (to use a coarse term) hismanly pointer to SAY things to a lady about the ever-changing state ofhis Xcitement. Worse still, why would anyone wish for a lady’s (oh, Imust be bold) tunnel of love to answer?
The So-Called BDSM “Community”: While some deluded girl danced inthe altogether, a hooded ruffian with the title “Master of Pain” lookedon with fiendish glee. He was the one needing a good lashing, whichSLOD will administer as soon as stocks and triangles can be erected atWelcome Areas as a warning to newly arriving perverts.
Certain “Toys”: The strange contortionist devices stagger theimagination and would surely leave a reveler spent, broken, and furtherlured into the pits of sin that defile, yet define, the Second Lifeexperience. I fled before my chaste looks and buxom figure could drawthe attention of some degenerate who might wish to defile me afterstrapping my body to one of those infernal contraptions.
Unmarried Women Having Prim Babies: They must be purged. Thosebaby-stores are invitations to fall from grace. Show me your marriagelicense first, ladies, and only then may you push a perambulator!
JumpmanLane: He must be expunged. Utterly expunged. That’s a word he does notunderstand so I’m certain we’ll get him by surprise.
As soon as vice has been cleansed from the mainland areas of SecondLife, SLOD will work hand-in-hand with Linden Lab to improve yourSecond Lives. To whit:
Better Entertainments To Replace allPalaces of Vice: I envision formal teas, salons with poetry readings bywonderful artistes from the past, such as Colley Cibber, and modernwordsmiths of uplifting work, such as Septimus Severus Legume.
Crude Art Will Vanish: I find it hard to fathom how a man named“Filthy Fluno” could be the subject of a feature on the arts in no lessthan the New York Times.Mr. Fluno’s work is incomprehensible to those with delicatesensibilities—and thus quite likely lewd. When he is cast away onPervert Island…I mean the new adult continent…great art, like theSLOD’s collection of lace doilies and still lives, can be shown todiscerning avatars.
No More Linden Orgies: Burning Life, which is an invitation to riotlike the Maenads of Dionysus, will be transformed into Tepid Life, ashowcase of all that is uplifting. We’ll have the thespians performtheatrical masterpieces such as “Oh, My Heart Yearns For Diddly Valley”and “Tut Tut, Quoth the Scissors-Grinder.”
Join me in this better future. You have nothing to lose but your sin.
Cjay
Mar 26th, 2009
One word…… “Stupid”
urizenus sklar
Mar 26th, 2009
I agree with the part about Jumpan Lane. Oh, and talking nethers have to go too. I couldn’t agree more.
lol
Mar 26th, 2009
“Jumpman Lane: He must be expunged. Utterly expunged. That’s a word he does not understand so I’m certain we’ll get him by surprise.”
It’s golden. I lol’d.
Miss Florida-Petals Calixta Plushbottom
Mar 26th, 2009
The Central Committee of Secondlife Task Force on Uncleanliness (STFU) hereby denounces as liberal and permissive the work of the libertines of SLOD. Miss Petunia is known to enjoy strong spirits and waltzes. These are abominations that must be removed from the real and virtual worlds, posthaste. We also denounce any flesh shown on avatars aside from wrists and faces. Until our Permaclothing Initiative™ can be instituted, STFU will begin forcibly clothing avatars in various unsavory places. We will also imprison Jumpman Lane immediately until he becomes reformed enough to release again. That may take some time.
Join us, or feel our wrath!
moses
Mar 26th, 2009
okay. how terrible. your electric pizda has to go…you will also have to turn in your talking willy. you will have to have real sex. in the real world. do you remember how ?
but i should not laugh. i am still limping from that time i try to fly across my property to visit my neighbors in the next block. and i will not even talk about those worthless pose stands they installed in the middle of the street…who in hell is ‘SEWER’ any way. i try to IM this resident but always i get no answer.
ya but...
Mar 26th, 2009
ya but uri, word on the street is that more than half of what you know and have learned to be true actually came from those “talking nethers”. learnt all you can there pal? LOL sorry, couldnt help it. hopefully you got a good laugh : )
mootykips
Mar 26th, 2009
“Jumpman Lane: He must be expunged. Utterly expunged. That’s a word he does not understand so I’m certain we’ll get him by surprise.”
Damn.
Stephie
Mar 26th, 2009
Best article ever simply because of the so true comment about Jumpman.
Professor C
Mar 26th, 2009
I have to agree this is total win. Jumpman is the flagship newbie attitude. He’s the type of guy no one wants around and (interesting fact find) He actually has paid people to have sex with him, paid friends to stay with him, and had to pay off a few people to keep them from going against him. More info as it comes in.
Orion
Mar 27th, 2009
You know I hate it when I’m right… But hey, I told you all this was going to happen! :/
Corona Anatine
Mar 27th, 2009
im just curious as to whether the male and female bits talk when separate or when combined in a glove like manner
and is the level of conversation the samein both cases
is there a handy phrase book ?
Corona Anatine
Mar 27th, 2009
sex will be just the start
both the puritans and the taliban
banned music and dancing
you will eventually only be permitted to veiw a blank grey screen all else will be deemed immoral
Mildred Corkscrew
Mar 27th, 2009
Whatever floats your boat.
I reccommend a seclix rave pacifier, and a dolcett dinner.
Zachnifine Zenovka
Mar 27th, 2009
Lame… what happened to creative freedom hu?.. its a bloody game.. everyone(or it should be everyone) on the grid is 18 or older… guess what.. thats LEGAL ADULT… go cencor the teen grid, leave the adult grid alone
Miss Florida Petal Calixta Plushbottom
Mar 29th, 2009
In regards to Zachnifine’s comment, “what happened to creative freedom” I must reply that purveyors of filthy material deserve NONE. They will be excluded from our midst or punished. We hope that the co-called “griefing” community can be enlisted to assist STFU’s noble aims, at least for the Furry-sex perversions.
Ah yes, Corona gets to the crux of the matter: Project Gray Screen™, our plan in case the Permaclothing Initiative™ and Pervert Island of Exile™ do not eradicate smut from SL. Music and dancing induce fornication. They must go.
But Corona is incorrect about the Taliban: they were too liberal. They permitted sexual congress within marriage. It must be eradicated in all cases so civilization may advance.
Reality
Apr 2nd, 2009
A joke piece or not … this is just about the most idiotic thing I have ever read and a prime reason why Humanity as a whole is worthy of being exterminated.
Anyone that thinks the way the Puritans or ANY extremist religious group does needs to see a psychiatrist concerning their childhood and their pent up urges ASAP.
If you want to fight human nature – go ahead and try: You will LOSE every time.
Nidol
Apr 3rd, 2009
I lol’d. THIS WOMAN HAS EARNED HER PLACE OUTSIDE OF THE KITCHEN
anonymous
Apr 6th, 2009
Clearly a joke article. Were it not, the author should be prepared to financially support those regions compelled to conform to stated restriction. As residents will quickly move to regions that support and nurture their full creative freedoms (taking their $L and tier with them).
Archie Lukas
Apr 12th, 2009
Oscar Wilde was only into homosexual relationships and was a bit of a dweeb too.
Not a good choice.
The Marquis de Sade might have been better – he had his limits too……..
Leo
Oct 13th, 2010
Second Life is sooo effin lame. The smut, animations and the stupid water sounds make me wanna take a knife and gash my monitor til oozing blood squirts:P. I wouldn’t suggest this game to anyone who likes to have fun. They also have horrible customer support and a horrible CDS system created by users that ban people on accident for using a viewer you may not know is malicious. They have big brother watching you on this skanky game… So don’t bother unless you like people with power trips to control and ban you, and completely ignore you when you try to reason with them!