Shock!!!! Mid-Missouri Internet Crimes Task Force says Mayor Tortimer could be a Pedo!

by Alphaville Herald on 18/03/09 at 8:12 am

Or is Tom Nook the perv?  Concerned parents want to know!

by Idoru Wellman, staff reporter


Kotaku has all the sordid details – but can anything good happen in Animal Crossing -  game that allows children to interact with complete strangers,encouraging them to exchange notes, items, and "favors" in order toreach the next level in the game?

10 Responses to “Shock!!!! Mid-Missouri Internet Crimes Task Force says Mayor Tortimer could be a Pedo!”

  1. Oh, I perish to think of our children’s future…MORE proof that the League of Decency™ must expand its work beyond the current cleansing in Second Life!

    Oh, my stars and garters, but this little fellow lures children to desperate and degenerate depths of depravity while looking more than a little like Mr. Peanut™.

  2. urizenus

    Mar 18th, 2009

    Personally, I always found the Turnip Lady to be the sketchy one. Her and that guy that sells the forged paintings in the tent in the city square once a week.

  3. mootykips

    Mar 18th, 2009

    No, Nook’s just an asshole capitalist, typical of the bourgeoisie. It’s aggressive lending practices that precipitated this crisis: people like Nook give loans to people with absolutely no credit history and just showed up in the town, and then ruthlessly exploit them with ridiculous interest rates, forcing the homebuyer to work at his shop under his conditions for as long as he sees fit. Even when those loans are paid off, he forces those consumers to remain on the path of mindless consumerism, taking out even more loans just to expand their property to house more useless trinkets like “Gynoids”. The capitalist news media want to distract you with baseless, sensationalist accusations of pedophilia and reports about peope falling in pits to keep you away from the real issues and revolting against the system.

  4. Yesyes…one must always expose the follies of running dogs such as “Nook” (whose name, from a material dialectical standpoint, reifies and enscribes the dominant discourse of the hegemony of late-stage capitalism as a subversive, subterranean hiding place for the residual reptilian energies of our brain-stems). Social lice such as Nook serve to breed complacency among Bourgeois youth by luring them to buy the surplus goods and experiences of the whoremongers of the so-called “entertainment” complex. We must, in an age when signified and signifiers have become problematized in their existential differences (as Maxim Quintillian has brilliantly show in a recent monograph), transgress the facile shell of such pablum for our youth and begin the long process of converting them into a revolutionary cadre until they topple the revanchist forces of the late-captialist hegemons in general, and purge the poisons from the brain stem in particular.

  5. Urizenus Sklar

    Mar 19th, 2009

    Looks like someone is gunning for the next Commie award!

  6. neednottoknow

    Jul 16th, 2011

    why are you commenters taking it so seriously? i thought that this was a joke! No offence though, but as you all hate nook, kids do as well. and this may encourage kids not to be bullies or meanies to other people, because life is not all fun and games, animal crossing has also some reality in it. I think that maybe answer your questions commenters.

  7. ThatGuywithpie

    May 25th, 2012

    Each and every single one of you besides neednottoknow and urizenus make my head spin. I mean, seriously, what does Nook even have to do with the brain stem?! You people are probably just trolls that act all complex and fancy to try and pass as some smart dude. It’s a kid’s game, you guys shouldn’t take it into so much consideration.

  8. ThatGuywithpie

    May 25th, 2012

    And Mayor Tortimer isn’t some pedo living in California, that’s just ridiculous. He’s just an NPC (Non Player Character). Anyone who read this article and your comments just got dumber.

  9. ThatGuywithpie

    May 25th, 2012

    And the name “Tom Nook” has NOTHING to do about the brain stem. The character’s name was from the name of the Japanese racoon dog, “Tanuki”. Say “Tom Nooky” fast. Now you get it? And about the “people like Nook give loans to people with absolutely no credit history”, IT’S A GAME. Why should your character even need credit history? That’s too much for kids who play the game to understand. Honestly, the nerve of some people…

  10. hobo kelly

    May 26th, 2012

    Time for some chaos magic again I see. Here we go: “Commie Cats, Commie Cats, this is your call, unfurl your banners on Ravenglass, grey and tall…”

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