My Development as a Woman in SL
by Alphaville Herald on 26/05/09 at 2:45 pm
by Evelyn Ponnier
My development as a girl in SL is one that is somewhat unique, I suppose. You see, I haven't always been a girl. My name SL 'Evelyn' was chosen as a pun for my RL name 'Adam'. I did not want to be called 'Eve' because I thought that if anyone realised I was not a girl in RL, I felt my RL name would be too obvious. Ironically most of my friends now call me Eve or Evey.
Why would I, a guy, choose a female body and name upon signup? Well I thought that was obvious. I love being a girl. Though most of you reading this article probably think that I'm the reason SL needs a Gender Verification process. And that no guy in SL in his right mind would screw me knowing that I'm a guy. Think again and read on…
I have been through the whole array of relationships available to a girl in SL. It started with a lesbian affair with another girl (who was in hindsight definately a guy). Then two months into SL I met one of the most influential guys in my development. He opened my eyes to what can be done in SL and I forever love him for it. Three months of care from him and I was racked with guilt. I felt ashamed of not being honest with him. When he asked me to be his, it was too much and I left him.
The problem here was not that I hid my RL gender, but that he never asked. I even said that I had previously had RL boyfriends. Not a lie, just a twist and omission. I have had quite a few boyfriends -just as every girl has had girlfriends. The fact I was a guy at the time either never crossed his mind, or he assumed that I was a girl. Never once did he directly ask for proof of my being a woman in RL. The reason I left him was that I liked him so much I couldn't hurt him if he disliked the truth.
After wandering two more months as a male alt, I met this real nice girl in a help area. We talked a little and she asked all the noob questions. When it got too laggy at the help area, I showed her my home. I then gave her a couple of freebie dresses. She asked me "What is a guy doing with girl's clothes?" I logged out as a guy and relogged as Eveyln. And she was like "Oh my god… Really?!!" She thought it was cool and we even were lovers for a while. Within the next two months we drifted apart due to us living in different time zones, but she always preferred Evelyn as company and still says "hello" from time to time.
From those two relationships I felt I had grown to understand something about SL. Be honest, and people will like you. Hide the truth and you will be the one hurting.
The club scene is big in SL. No lie about that. There is also an almost endless supply of fashion. As the saying goes 'Second Life saw Evelyn coming a mile away' since they are the two main reasons I log in. So that was how most of my time went in SL. It may come as a surprise to some people that us guyrls (guy + RL = guyrl, pronounced 'girl') have a life in SL.
My whole time in SL I was making friends and eventually another guy chatted me up. Two weeks later he had me invited into his bedroom. We got naked and while we were cuddling he said "Promise me something." "Promise what?" I replied. "Promise you are not a man."
That was the moment my second life really changed. No longer was I going to be the guy pretending to be a girl. My mind was made up months ago. The opportunity to simply lie and get my rocks off was there. But I was not going to miss this opportunity to do the right thing by this nice guy.
I was going to honest.
"This is the real me" I said as I entered my myspace url. "So you are a guy?" he asked "Not always 
" I replied. He laughed and thanked me for being honest and we still see each other from time to time socially. On those occasions he'll even talk dirty with me in IM and we'll have a bit of a giggle.
It dawned on me later that moment had been a major point of my development as Evelyn. I had gone from the noob concealing himself and taking whatever sex he could get, to a well dressed and carried woman who cares about how she treats others in intimate affairs. Although I may not be 'a real girl' in RL, I have had enough emotional connections with people as Evelyn for them to consider me (as her) a real girl.
"Yeah, but what about getting laid?" you may ask. I had thought about that for a while. I had too much fun clubbing and shopping as Evelyn. I had invested lots of money and time into being Evelyn. I was known as Evelyn. And, more importantly, I wanted to stay as Evelyn. Besides sex is a minimum of 2 (otherwise there is no real need to log in). The question of intimacy would really have to come down to the other person.
People go for what they want. If they want Evelyn, then they'll have to take her for what she is -a representation of me. Evelyn is a guy who wants to be percieved as a woman and be treated as a lady. As long as they can accept that they'll be fine. If not, there are usually another 40-80,000 people online and I'm sure both parties can move onto someone else.
As for informing partners in bed of my anatomical status, the solution was relatively simple from my point of view. There is no need for a Gender Verification process as some residents have suggested. All that is required of me is rezzing a penis between my legs.
If that aint being honest about your RL gender when getting laid, I don't know what is.
The Grown Ups
May 26th, 2009
Jimbo, get more bukkits, there will be many, many comments.
Pappy Enoch
May 26th, 2009
Grown Ups, the Herald’s staff am rite on it! Gorean slave gals, who I reckon am boys anyhow, fetch me them bukkits!
Satan
May 26th, 2009
A good example of a highly evolved SLer who cares about the world around them more than their own selfish pleasure. Good looking out, Eve. Troll comments will surely follow en masse but honesty is the best policy and you’re a better person because of it. Remember that.
Adric Antfarm
May 26th, 2009
Hamlet had the same struggle. It can be hard on a dude.
Wakka Wakka Wakka.
Seriously, this is no different from someone wanting to be a fox or robot in SL. If it brings you joy, it’s a good thing. I’m a good 10 years younger and 30 pounds lighter in SL.
It would be nice if the other “women” had the courage to be as honest as you.
Ssieth
May 26th, 2009
A fantastically well thought out and well articulated article. It’s great to see someone speaking rationally and reasonably about what is, clearly, a very emotional topic for a lot of people
moses
May 26th, 2009
i began in second life as a regular woman. then i became a small woman. then i have become a child. i think very soon i will become a foetus. i will run around and i will have my cord dragging behind me as and i will trip people with it. it will be something to write about in a herald article. i will become the plastic duck of umbilical cord greifing.
Rock On
May 26th, 2009
>i will become the plastic duck of umbilical cord greifing.
your army i’m in
Odette
May 26th, 2009
How does your SL sexuality affect your RL sexuality? or are they the same? From what I’ve read, you seem to be bi in SL, are you also bi in RL? If not, why not? When you have sex in SL, do you rp as a guy or a girl? do you have sex with men as a woman, or as a guy….or both? Are you as adventurous in RL? Has being a woman in SL changed how you perceive women in RL? Sorry…that’s a lot of questions. XD
I think being a female alt, and being honest about who you are is a wonderful thing. If other gurls were as open and considerate of other peoples emotions, there wouldn’t be as many asking for gender identification. I think for the most part, people don’t care about the gender of the person behind the alt. I think most people care about the deception and betrayal that so often follows.
Baron Cuttlesmith von Blogharder, Esqu, MD
May 27th, 2009
Wow, what an utterly meaningless and boring article. This has even less substance than the horrid personal interest stories the local news airs. It is also much worse; this is a self-absorbed vanity piece, and if you take out all the bullshit, it can be distilled to “HAY GUYS I AM A GUY WHO ROLEPLAYS AS A WOMANS ON THE INTERNET LOLOLOL STUFF.”
Evelyn, you have ruined yourself; by writing this article you have ensured that it will forever be within the first few Google search results, for anyone to see just how much of a self-absorbed, boring clown you are. The Herald proves one again that the best way to troll dipshits is to give them a fucking voice. Nobody gives half a shit about your online biography. I have developed a great tolerance for idiocity, and the ability to read the most boring material, but even I gave up halfway through and had to resort to mere skimming. Blah blah blah :words:
it burns
May 27th, 2009
Im glad they are opening up Sex Island in SL so all the perverts will have a permanent home they can stay in
Sirius Hartshon
May 27th, 2009
This is a very impressive sharing. I’m a guy/guy av now so let me give you something from a guy experience (although of course I can’t speak for everyone).
From my experience there are two moments where you can share your RL gender: Either right away (within the first few hours) or if not that, then only when asked directly. It’s somehow about being true to yourself, like being true about the guy/girl thing or being serious about wanting to be a girl in SL.
Myself mostly I don’t care about if the girl is a girl or a G.I.R.L (guy in real life), so I prefer if the others go with “don’t answer questions which are not asked”.
If you can project a girlish personality into the av I’d be just fine with that and if not I’d lose interest in a person soon anyway. There are avs I interact with where I’m not sure, but mostly if they are fun to interact with, so I honestly don’t want to know.
I knew one G.I.R.L though who shared her/his RL gender with me right away, but the personality was so genuinely and consistently feminine, that I really forgot about it right away …
imnsfho
May 27th, 2009
@Baron Blah Blah said: “The Herald proves one again that the best way to troll dipshits is to give them a fucking voice.”
Yeah, and looking at your comments on this and other posts, you’re the worst offender. Am I interested that you “gave up halfway through and had to resort to mere skimming”? No, so why are you wasting my bandwidth, why don’t you take your offensive and mysogenistic BS elsewhere?
Good Op-Ed Eve.
The Rad Baron
May 27th, 2009
@Baron Cuttlesmith von Blogharder, Esqu, MD
You are such a miserable, judgemental prick.
I strongly suggest that you get yourself some St. John’s Wort (Hypericum perforatum) and start taking it while you search for a doctor to get some therapy. You are clearly an unhappy person out to make yourself feel better by attacking other people. The St. John’s Wort should help you get started feeling better, while a trained psychiatrist (or psychologist with a follow-up to an MD) would be able to help you deal with your anger, feelings of inadequacy and whatever else you have bottled up all the while prescribing something to help you be less of a flaming asshole to all those around you.
I am not a doctor, and trust you will research St. John’s Wort and how it would interact with any food or plant allergies or medications you already take before taking it, but please, do something, because the thought of your fat, white, greasy and hateful presence in the basement lashing out at everyone is kinda harshing everyone else’s buzz.
Welsh
May 27th, 2009
so what you are trying to say is, your an RL tranny to gutless to throw on a dress?
Jimbo
May 27th, 2009
I have read with interest this blog and others before here. I dont go in sl however my wife does, i do watch with interest her wanderings. My wife is frequently asked if she is actually a man which i find highly amusing and frankly she finds very irritating to the point that she uploaded her rl picture which frankly is a ridiculous thing for a virtual world.
As for the gentleman above if you can actually call him a gentleman Barron something. I have to agree that you do seem rather more self absorbed than anyone else who has written, appeared or responded to the articles. I read them to understand my wifes like for sl nothing more (she wishes me to join in). Though I dont see the interest personally im not about to tell everyone here as you do that sl is crap, as are those that indulge in it particularly when the closest i have come to it is to observe something of interest my wife has seen.
While i take the time here i might add that those of you who are concerned you are having virtual sex with a man might wish to consider the implications that you may be having virtual sex with a minor which could arguably be seen as grooming. One would think age verification might be a far more important thing to debate than the fact that some people can not tell the difference between a man and women.
Ajax
May 27th, 2009
Some girls in SL are guys? Next you’ll be telling me the Earth isn’t flat at all! — Kidding aside, I certainly expected many females were actually males and vice versa, but only care about my SL wife (a RL female by the way). Don’t ask either one of us our ages! But the reason I am actually posting is because nearly every AVI on SL is caucasian. Its rare to see a minority AVI, yet I know that minorities are well-represented here. Strangely, it seems that it is fine to admit your gender doesn’t match your AVI, but not accepted that your race may not match! Very odd.
moses
May 27th, 2009
well if you are worried about your virtual sex lifes. then you have really a lot of problems any way. and the gender of your virtual partner is not one of them.
Zinca Xue
May 28th, 2009
I find this article very interesting and the comments reflect the wide spectrum of feelings about the topic. In rl from as far back as I can remember I have experienced periods of intense desire to be a female. However rl did not afford me the opportunity to become transgendered. I discovered sl and was absolutely blown away when I realised that a few mouse clicks were all that was required to transform me into a 100% female….I was hooked. I wanted, however, to be accepted as a transgendered person and so in my profile I show myself as a male av under rl and a female under sl and describe my transformation by a sl ‘goddess’. I am hetro in rl but I absolutely adore being treated as a sexy woman by guys in rl. I dont have act the part it seems to come naturally. I just respond instinctively in a natural female way and have never been questioned. Sometimes guys read my profile and run. othertimes they are attracted by the idea of sex with a transgendered person. Most times they are so intent on laying me that they dont bother to read the small print. My av is tall, willowy with a gorgeous tanned skin and hair down to my waist. I am fully xcite equiped with sound. If I say so myself (based on my experience as a male av with females) I am one of the best lays in sl….. Anyway before I get too carried away I want to say that sl has given me the opportunity to live a part of my life that just wasnt possible in rl and I am grateful.
Archie Lukas
May 28th, 2009
I know a very gifted Chinese women (RL) and her sister, living in China who run a very successful traditional glamour evening wear clothing chain in SL
I once asked them both why they preferred Caucasian skins and blonde hair.
She replied that when you lived in country with 1,330,044,544 people, all with black hair and dark eyes – you got a bit fed up with it!
She was surprised when I pointed out the sexual obsession with cute Far eastern girls most western men have.
Me too, BTW
(Exceptions -no need to post, I accept you exist, along with pixies)
Prof. Archie Lukas
May 28th, 2009
Evelyn,
be careful Europe have a Trade Descriptions Act (Law)
and someone might snitch on you!
BTW admire your balls (sic) in coming forth though.
Archie
Shauna Skye
May 28th, 2009
I’m a girl in real life who is a girl in Second Life. But I sometimes find it highly amusing to pretend that I am a man pretending to be a woman. You would never know though. I could be a man pretending to be a woman who is pretending to be a man. Just think about that!
Anon-y-mouse
May 28th, 2009
@Zinca Xue: “My av is tall, willowy with a gorgeous tanned skin and hair down to my waist. I am fully xcite equiped with sound.”
Probably max slider on the tits, too. I wouldn’t have to read your profile to know you are a guy in rl.
moses
May 28th, 2009
i like to pretend i am a pretty little monkey with an extra nipple.
OMG I Just Realized...
May 28th, 2009
“Homosexuality is the exploitation of humanity by humanity, whereas heterosexuality is the exact opposite.”
Satan
May 28th, 2009
Re: OMG I Just Realized
I’d love to hear how you drew that conclusion. How is homosexuality an exploitation of humanity by humanity? LOL!
Mony
May 28th, 2009
Well. Surprise surprise.
After all it’s SecondLife no? What really gets me its the people that insist on trying to live a real life inside it, actually I pity them because they are in for some deception and seem too desperate for me.
Second Life currently its good for entertainment, and folks that play it like a game fare much better than those trying to live a Second “Life”.
So its a game, and we all play blindfold with who knows who, so just play it safe and enjoy.
From the scores of ppl I have met in SL, I would only get into my real life like 3 of them. The rest… Not ever.
Zinca Xue
May 29th, 2009
Shauna
Thanks for the comment. In all my time in sl nobody has ever challenged me about being a guy in rl. It is always after reading my profile that they raise it as an issue. BTW many compliment me on my honesty. With regard to some of the other comments it amazes me how judgemental many people are given that it is against the ethos of sl to judge others.
404 Page Not Found
May 29th, 2009
If you’re not planning to allow SL and RL to interact, then it does not matter what gender someone is behind the keyboard and anyone who can’t handle that concept needs to GTFO the internets. SL is a roleplaying game ultimately and yet I’m often surprised at how many people wander up to me and their opening conversation is invariably A/S/L as if SL is some kind of chatroom. Of course, to a degree SL functions as a chatroom for some users but it’s not a chatroom in the older sense – perhaps it’s better to describe it as a sandbox game that has fantasy roleplaying game and chatroom-like aspects.
I can understand of course how people coming from the chatroom mentality will be wanting to ask things like A/S/L-type questions but the sooner they realise that SL isn’t a chatroom, the better. The sooner they realise that virtually no avatar on the grid bears any resemblance to the person at the keyboard, the better.
If you’re involved in the sex scene in SL and have a hang up about whether the person you’re having sex with is the gender they claim or appear to be then you really really really need to get out of the sex scene.
In RL btw I’m transgendered and proud of it. If they want to gender-verify me they’ll have all sorts of fun. The concept of gender-verification for SL is absolutely ridiculous and as Jimbo pointed out up there somewhere, age-verification is far more important.
Clueless Littleboots
May 30th, 2009
There is absolutely no need for gender verification. There is no need to shout from your profile who you are irl. But I think it’s important to at least state what you want out of sl and what your boundaries are in regards to your rl mixing with it. If one is so paranoid about cybering with someone that isn’t the gender they represent they should take the time to ask, “hey can you voice with me for a few mins just to say hello?” If they refuse just be their friend. And don’t sleep with them till you are comfortable with and can accept who they wish to be in sl. If you can’t wait seems to me you care about one thing – a piece of ass so it shouldn’t matter who they are irl. Plain and simple we don’t need to have LL poke there nose into this at all.
(btw I find it a sweet irony that guys pretending to be lesbians in sl 9 times out of 10 end up playing with another man pretending to be a lesbian. XD It’s just wonderful.)
Eleanor Ocheis
May 31st, 2009
Despite being female, I have several male alts – the first started to hide from my ex and evolved into a roleplay character and a way to enjoy some male/male play (yes, women LIKE gay men just as much as guys like lesbians – be nice if more SL men were secure in their sexuality to indulge that). And to be honest, that’s 90% of what I do on SL. I have no interest in SL/RL relationships and I’ve had to shove off a lot of men just interested in that.
I don’t ask RP partners their RL gender. I’m not playing or falling in love with them – it’s characters interacting with characters. If it becomes more than that, then there is a problem and it needs to be addressed quickly. More than likely nipped right in the bud because I don’t do RL/SL.
As for Evelyn, I applaud you for having the courage to be honest. When I flip to a 1st life tab and see a girl admit she’s a man IRL, I have a lot more respect for them. They know it’s a game and aren’t out to hurt people. That means alot.
Elerrawyn Elionara
Jun 1st, 2009
yes, women LIKE gay men just as much as guys like lesbians
Speak for yourself.
Evelyn Ponnier
Jun 1st, 2009
Okay it’s been a week now…
Firstly, thanks to all those who read this with a mature mind. Satan and Adric, Thanks for being nice at the start of the comments.
@ Ssieth: Thanks for that comment. Your response was one I was hoping for.
@ Sirius: Thank you for a thoughtful reply and a great attitude towards this.
@ Welsh: No, I’m not gutless wannabe tranny. You did however insire me update my 1st life profile pick in SL. So, um.. thanks?
And Moses… I love your comment the most about Sl sexuality and conduct. I really love it!! It is soo true… but I still think that many people have a long way before they fully accept that. (BTW, “plastic duck of umbilical cord greifing”?!! That has had me laughing since I first read it. Thanks for trolling with a sense of humour)
To Zinca, 404, Clueless, and Eleanor: Thanks for for your experiences as well.
All in all, I’m glad you all took the time after reading to leave a comment.