Underground in Gor: A Man Needs a Maid!

by Alphaville Herald on 26/05/09 at 7:54 am

The Wanderer's Underground in Gor series outsourced to a contractor

by Pappus Enochus, High Blutarch o' Bugtusslistan


Well, it are nigh unto Memorable Day an' the Wanderin' Feller in Gor dun telled Miz Pixeleen he needed the day off tu go play with sum Panther Gals.  

But for me, no rest fo' the wicked! My trailer were such a mess I needed me hip-waders. A man needs a maid, like that skinny ol' Hillbilly, Neil Young, dun sung one time. My clothes, both sets of overalls, smelled like they'd been sprayed with Musturd-gas.

Then it hit me like a fencepost up side the head: slave gals o' Gor. I heared they am trained up to be good in bed. Maybe they'd even be rite good at makin' one!  

I tried readin' them Gor-books, but the copies at the Enoch Holler Publick Libary was ruined. Pages was all stuck together! So I slipped a 20 to a kid with a Meth habit an' he did some top-notch research at sum'fin named Wackypedia.  He telled me all about Gor, so I changed up my profile at SL to fool them Gor-boys:

Pappus Enochus, that am my proper name upon Gor. I are the High Blutarch of Bugtusslistan, and keeper of them Scrolls of the Burning Shame, handed down from them-there Kings n' Dukes in Aeons past.  I fite agin' Looftar Untanglian and The Stinking Horde, dang their hides. I are on a quest to git gals for the fair vale o' Breezewood Park, where mighty tasks am dun in the trailers–I mean the castles–tu keep the manly Masters rite happy-like while they watches the chariots race on the deadly ovals of Nascarius.

Then I moseyed to Gor to git me a slave-gal. Only one catch: jist likeWanderin' Feller, every ding-dang place I dun gone tu were a SHOPPINGMALL! Not a gal fo' sale o' even holdin' a broom or mop, tho I did findsum rite intermerestin' stuff involvin' tying gals up with ropes,stickin' them in cages, and whatnot. 


While I were there, I laid me out some spacebux on clothes better'n the freebies I begun with. I tossed 'em rite over my coveralls an' got started.

Mean-lookin' rascal, ain't I?  Sorta like that Dark Helmet guy frum the movie-show that had Pizza the Hut and that gal wif the Cinnabon-hair.  Then I found me a way from the mall into town, strapped on my “Quasi-Medieval Bullshit Babbler” so's I could talk with them folks.   

Right off, I run into a Master with a passel of gals: looked like maids to me cause they already was already on their knees an' wearin' wash-rags (an' nuffin more–hoo whee).

Pappus Enochus: Towel an' howdy-doo, Ol' Son..I means, Mastur
Slavegirl 1 gags

Pappus Enochus: I see them-thar gals am rite pert-like
Gorean Master: Tal, Sir. Your speech is strange…
Slavegirl 2 tries to crawl away

Pappus Enochus: Sho nuff. I dun come a far piece, all the way from Bugtusslistan. We speaks ol-school Gorean, handed down straight from them Preacher-Kings.
Slavegirl 3 crawls upwind of Pappus Enochus

Pappus Enochus: Towel, gal!  What am ailin' yu?
Slavegirl 2 gags
Gorean Master sniffs and grimaces. Well, sir, she's a disobedient one. Say, where might the land of Bugtusslistan be?

Pappus Enochus: Um, uh…why rite betwixt Dununnastan an' Dunnonuffin.  I bet you aint' heard of 'em…but you will.  (chuckling ominously)
Gorean Master: And why might that be?

Pappus Enochus: Cause Ol' Looftar, dang that rascal, am leadin' the Stinkin' Horde rite this way! He dun carried off all our gals while we was drunk….oh how it do break my manly heart not to see my little Tammifay the Doublejointed Pole-Dancer  o' Bobbiesue of the Naughty Nightie!  They cood make a Preacher-King lay his scroll down, if'n you gits my drift…
Slavegirl 3 whispers “He's some freak who got his brain-pan cooked in the desert, Master…shall this girl slink off an summon the guard?”
Slavegirl 2 gags “PLEASE, Master.”

Pappus Enochus grins at Slavegirl 2.  “Do that gal scrub floors?”
Gorean Master chuckles, thinking to pass off a rotten kajira on a rube.  
Gorean Master: Like an expert, Sir.  


Pappus Enochus: du they come with them wash rags they's wearing? I is fresh out.
Gorean Master: until you rip them off.

Pappus Enochus:  Hoo whee. How much?  I needs me a cleaner-upper!
Chorus of Slavegirls: Please, Master…..noooooooo
Gorean Master: I'd take 5000 for her

Pappus Enochus searches his pockets. Uh…how about by the hour? Cain't I rent her?
Gorean Master: that's not on offer

Pappus Enochus: I gots me 100. How about you sell me a cheapo? Got some ornery fat gal who can still bend over fo' cleanin' up my trail..I mean the Great Keep o' Bugtusslistan?
Slavegirl 3 gags
Gorean Master quietly signals for the guard
Gorean Master: we'll be able to work something out. Wait right here, sir.
Slavegirl 2 hides behind the Master and vomits
Slavegirl 1 faints from the stink

Pappus Enochus: what's wrong with yu gals? How 'bout me rentin' ya'll tu do my laundry?
Gorean Master smiles as the guards approach

Pappus Enochus uh oh
Slavegirl 3 cheers as the rattle of weapons sounds nearby.

I run like hell rite about then.  But I'll be back! I can git them gals to rise up an toss them high-tone fellers intu the swamp. Then they'd ALL want to come to clean my trailer!

It'll be jist like one o' them poultice-rippin romance books, with me as Fabio, the Savior of the wash-rag gals! I loves Gor!

15 Responses to “Underground in Gor: A Man Needs a Maid!”

  1. Cynthia Barley

    May 26th, 2009

    So that’s where you’ve been hiding, cuzzin! How about putting a camping spot with a floor-scrubbing animation in your trailer that pays 1L$ per hour? Newbies will be flocking into Enoch Holler then. ;-D

  2. Me not understand

    May 26th, 2009

    Ever realised that not everybody understands your slang?

  3. Pappus Enochus, High Blutarch o' Bugtusslistan

    May 26th, 2009

    It ain’t slang, Ol’ Son.

    Yu pays me, Me Not Unnerstan, an’ this ol’ boy will be rite happy tu git yu a’speakin’ only the best & mos’ correct English, which am the Hillbilly sort wif the Enoch-Holler spin on it.

    Or yu kin scrub my trailur an’ we’ll do it up as a barter deal :)

    Hell, Cuzzin Cynthia dun kum all the way frum Germany an’ SHE kin unnerstand me. Maybe they gots Hillbillies in Bavaria??

    Them Linden Go-rillas dun made campin’ illegal, dang their hides tu the Hot Place. But we’ll figger out a new way to cheat in the fake world o’ Secund Life. Count on it!

  4. hmm

    May 26th, 2009

    I can’t read this crap. It’s like listening to a retarded southern child.

    Just stop it. It’s not funny, it makes you look like fucking morons. But I guess it’s not too far of a stretch.

  5. We

    May 26th, 2009

    Hahahahah awesome.

  6. Emperor Norton Hears a Who?

    May 26th, 2009

    The Gorians really do deserve Pappy.

    May I suggest a better Gorian name though? How about Onan the Barbarian? I am sure an almost certain pentecostal like you Pappy should appreciate a name right of The Bible like Onan.

  7. Obvious Schism

    May 27th, 2009

    Hopefully this nonsense will disapear from our screens soon and we will get some proper journalism for a change.

  8. Pappus Enochus, Onanist Maximus

    May 27th, 2009

    “Onan the Barbarian”…dang, Emperur, yu am a reg’lar Adam o’ Secund Life (hoo, as yu knows, got the namin’ job from Gawd). That am what I dun read in my copy o’ the Good Book–all eight pages that were left anysohow, aftur my cuzzin, Dwayne Hammurabi Bundren, got dun in the outhouse readin’ it.

    What a fappin’ good idear! I’m takin’ it!

    But I ain’t a-spillin’ no seeds on the ground, like ol’ Onan. Once I gits me a heap o’ slave-gals I dun freed from them Gor-boys, I aims (an’ I kin aim rite well) to spill seed sum’whar else.

    Mistophur Obvious, yu wants journeylism? Go git a noosepapur while they still exists. How kin yu git riled up about sum’fin FREE? I bet yu dun yelled at yo’ poor sistur after she put out an it won’t no Gwen Stefani of a time.

  9. Chandra

    May 27th, 2009

    Hilarious, LMAO! Pappy, I hope yu gets a reg’lar gig here.

  10. Prof. Archie Lukas

    May 28th, 2009

    Feckin funny ‘ol chap.

    If I can understand your dialect, I’m sure the other natives of the former colonies can adjust.

    Why not pop around for tea with the Vicar?
    We’ll have some cucumber sandwiches.
    and I’ll bring the dog in – to take the blame for the pharts.

    Should be a jolly old Tea party, what!?

    Archiebald Lukas XIV
    Duke of Rothschild

  11. Obvious Schism

    May 28th, 2009

    @ “Mistophur” Pappus – It’s not free. I spend my valuable time reading this “blog” only to find out that its complete and utter rubbish. As I’m sure you know, time is money.

    And for your information, my 9 months pregnant sister was killed in a road accident recently. Thanks.

  12. Clueless Littleboots

    May 30th, 2009

    Gore is stupid and so is this article =p

  13. Clueless Littleboots

    May 30th, 2009

    I take that this article is stupid back. Anyone who pokes fun at gor in my book is gosh darn swell. =p

  14. Ranma Tardis

    Jun 2nd, 2009

    Thought it was funny in a weird sort of fashion. Does make me think about my ancestors who would of lopped off his head and send for the proper people to dispose of his stinky corpse.

    Oh well people here are too serious…

  15. Veena

    May 1st, 2010

    Pappy…I’m new here. Found you out when the grid crashed recently prolly due to an over-worked, underpaid, disgruntled flying-monkey boy at the Gawd-Awful Lab of Evil Experimention (i.e. “G.L.E.E.”). Anyhooo…I have not been this entertained in awhile! Though not the scholarly type…your back-road dialect and interestingly adventurous nature (delving into Gor and “a squattin”) are keeping me in stitches! And that sister of yours…Jezz…well, she definitely has your DNA mixed with a bit-o-dynamite, snake-venom, and a shot or two of Jack Daniels (not Black Label though…too high class for her me thinks). I luv her too! Well…not so much as to get “hitched”…so don’t be getting any ideas! So….keep jabberin’ and squattin and such because SOME of us see the charm and humor of your peculiar brand of story-telling. Well done and keep on keepin on!! The Enoch family RULZ…well their trailer park anyway.

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