Catfights – Clawed, Humiliated, Insulted!!!

by Alphaville Herald on 29/07/09 at 7:37 am

Save our pussies

by Miss Petunia Amaryllis Courtney Taliaferro, Second Life League of Decency

The release of that dog-fighting felon Michael Vick had me thinking, “what if evil scoundrels are torturing animals in Second Life?”  Why not? All other forms of perversion are rampant in that online cesspool.

Using the advanced and flawless search-engine technology that LindenLab provides to all residents, I embarked on a holy mission to seek outand expose animal cruelty in-world. Perish my maidenly soul if I did not, within seconds of commencing my expedition, find one such example:



Oh, thought I, the poor suffering kitties!  This must be expunged from virtual life as well!  Armed with an appropriate sign, I ventured to the pit of depravity where murderous scandals are perpetrated upon innocent felines.


There I was greeted not by the whimpering of caged tabbies, but by the salacious sneer of one Betty “The Bomber” Bumper, a dusky-skinned hellion in a swimsuit the size of a cocktail napkin.

Betty: Wha the fuck? What circus you come from?
Miss P: Why, young lady, I am from the Alphaville Herald, and I am here to investigate reports of…catfighting!

Betty: Yeah, this is the place, you redpan slut!
Miss P: Well, I never!

Betty: No, I bet you haven't. Get over here, bitch, and I'll shave your pussy!
Miss P: That's “SAVE,” you walking abomination…I've never been so insulted!  Prepare to defend yourself!

Well, gentle readers, I had HAD ENOUGH. I climbed into the ring, and took my best swing at her head with my protest sign.


My queenly shape and ample pelvis gave me an early advantage, and I had the rude creature pinned to the mat.  From that vantage, I scanned the premises for captive grimalkins I might free, but this was to be my undoing.

In that lapse of concentration, and before you could say “Egyptian Mau,” your bold and pure reporter was undone!

Betty: You wanna play tough, huh?  I'll show you!


Betty: Now for the A-bomb!
Miss P: Umphhh…OUCH! You hellcat!


Betty: You like it hard, granny! [SLAP!] Gimme that skirt! I need a new table-cloth! [SLAP! SLAP!]
Miss P: Help me!

Betty: I'll help you!  That skirt is big enough for a Boy Scout Jamboree!  
Miss P: You, you…hussy!

Betty: Now for the Thunder Thighs of Terror….


Shall I continue, gentle reader? Soon I was rendered unconscious, awakening to find myself sans skirt, in bloomers and in a hospital bed.

Oh, is there no hope for Second Life's abused cats?  As soon as I recover, I'll be forced to contact those unwashed hippies at PETA…yes, their body odor will render even a beast like Miss Bumper insensate, so I can free the poor kitties…

The life of moral rectitude is difficult and painful, but I shall prevail.

Petunia hospital_001

8 Responses to “Catfights – Clawed, Humiliated, Insulted!!!”

  1. Logic

    Jul 29th, 2009

    Srsly…. WHAT THE FUCK???

  2. Nidol

    Jul 29th, 2009

    You want a real story about abused virtual animals? Take a look at the sionChicken groups. Those faggots will rage hardcore if you shoot or “hurt” one of their chickens (which causes them to die, yes they are scripted to die for realistic effect I suppose) and the best part is… they pay a fuckload of money for these stupid chickens. They are some of the best lolcows I’ve seen in a long time.

  3. urizenus sklar

    Jul 29th, 2009

    Once again, Miss Petunia sacrifices her body for the sake of journalism.

  4. Bunny Brickworks

    Jul 29th, 2009

    Oooooooh, I want those anims! :o

  5. curly hair

    Jul 29th, 2009

    Idiots like Nidol are why we can’t have nice things. Typical griefer.

  6. Miss Petunia Amaryllis Courtney Taliaferro, Second Life League of Decency

    Jul 29th, 2009

    When I recover, I shall investigate the abuse of those poor virtual chickens!


  7. Emperor Norton Hears a Who?

    Jul 29th, 2009

    Nidol @ ” Those faggots will rage hardcore if you shoot or “hurt” one of their chickens ”

    Yes Nid0l, I can’t imagine why anyone would be offended by your virtual chicken humping. They must just be closed minded and overly sensitive. It couldn’t possible be you that’s the messed up pervert.

  8. Obvious Schism

    Jul 30th, 2009

    @Miss Petunia

    “When I recover, I shall investigate the abuse of those poor virtual chickens!”

    You should try reading your own blog once in a while:

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