Linden Lab = Chicken Murderer

by Alphaville Herald on 04/09/09 at 10:33 am

Farmers demand chicken-replacement program

by Pappy Enoch, Pullet-Surprise Winner

Chicken_004 Don't count no chickens before they hatches, like the feller done said that time. But maybe somebody needs to count 'em when they falls of the edge of the fake world.

Herald readers been a-carrying on worse than a coop full o' hens when the fox gets in, about dumb-heads shooting birds and Sion ripping folks off for feed. So I decided to hit the poultry-beat for Miss Pixeleen.

I put on a big ol' chicken getup (Miss Pixeleen figured it might draw some griefers) and did me a search for you-know-what.  Hoo whee! 956 hits! 

So I started wandered from here to yonder, looking for griefers. But griefers ain't the worst thing that them farmers of fake chickens runs up against.

I done found out who am the rotten egg in the henhouse: it are Linden Lab.

Them rascals smokin' funny cigarettes in the hot tubs of fancified Sanny Frisco cornduminiums don't know nothing about no chickens. In fact, LL am a-killin' them wholesale…ol' Frank Perdue ain't got nothing on them Lindens for chickenocide.


Of course, my point o' view might be a little–and I means a leetle–warped by who I talked to. All I found am pretty gal-farmers!  I died and done went  to the Chicken Ranch, boys, and I were the only cock-a-doodle in the pen.  So I sparked an' courted them gals somewhat, in hopes of getting a good story, of course. 

I figured the chicken suit didn't hurt my chances none.

Pappy Enoch: howdy ma'am
Sexy Farmer 1: hi pappy

sionChicken egg: Hatching prevented due to sionChicken radi-O-static.

Pappy Enoch: I comes from the Alphaville Herald. I'm on the Chicken beat about them griefers attacking Sion chickens. I hopes to catch me one…undercover don't you know. You had trouble?
Sexy Farmer 1: No i have not

Pappy Enoch: How about your customers?
Sexy Farmer 1: Not that i know of

Pappy Enoch: Good [notices Sexy Farmer 1 has an egg in her basket, so to speak]
Pappy Enoch: When am the little one due?
Sexy Farmer 1: Thursday

Pappy Enoch: Hoo whee! That's tomorrow!
Sexy Farmer 1: Yes I cant wait

Pappy Enoch: Boy or gal?
Sexy Farmer 1:  Boy

Pappy Enoch: What you gonna name the lil rascal?
Sexy Farmer 1:  Devin 

Pappy Enoch: So do you sell them-there Sion chickens or raise them?
Sexy Farmer 1: Both

Pappy Enoch: Lots of business?
Talking tummy: Sexy Farmer 1 is hungry and needs a Yougart Cup
Pappy Enoch: Why does folks enjoy Sion chickens? [trying to ignore the talking tummy, wondering if walking around in a chicken suit is any weirder]
Sexy Farmer 1: They r fun to have around lots of colors and breeds

Pappy Enoch: Are it an expensive hobby?
Sexy Farmer 1: Yes

Pappy Enoch: Most hobbies am :)
Pappy Enoch: I wish you all the luck with the chickens..and your little bundle o' joy :)

Her tummy were as big as a tobbacky no action for Pap there. I tried me another landmark.


Pappy Enoch: Howdy Ma'am.  I comes from the Alphaville Herald and am reporting on Sion Chickens
Pappy Enoch: Am you a chicken farmer?
Sexy Farmer 2: Yes i am a farmer

Pappy Enoch: You might wonder "why am that feller dressed like a chicken?"
Sexy Farmer 2:  Yes hehe

Pappy Enoch: Well, my boss said it were a good idea
Pappy Enoch: And two, I plans to catch them chicken-griefers by being in disguise. You ever had trouble?
Sexy Farmer 2:  I hope you do we have lost a lot of chickens to sl lag lately hehe

Pappy Enoch: Lag but not griefers?
Sexy Farmer 2: No i have my well protected i think. That is not the biggest problem i have had with the chickens.


Pappy Enoch: How does lag get them?
Sexy Farmer 2:  They lag off the sim and end up in our inventory and then you can not put them back out cause they died

Pappy Enoch: That's a dang shame…expensive too
Sexy Farmer 2:  That is not the biggest problem i have had with the chickens Lag gets them to where they dont eat and then they die from hunger when sl has issues
Sexy Farmer 2:  Like the past two weekends

Pappy Enoch: How many did you lose?
Sexy Farmer 2:  Other then the costly healing kits to bring them back I am happy with the chicken business
Sexy Farmer 2:  I think the weekend before about 14 of them and last weekend I had to bring back 18 of them

Pappy Enoch: How about the turtles?
Sexy Farmer 2:  I dont know i am gonna try the turtles they look like fun
Sexy Farmer 2: But i really love the chickens cause you can breed them and try to get really nice colors from them


Pappy Enoch: how did you stop the griefers? no damage sim?
Sexy Farmer 2:  What is the biggest complant you have had about the chickens from the other farmers ?

Pappy Enoch: Well, the expense
Sexy Farmer 2:  You mean the expenise of the food or healing kits ?

Pappy Enoch: The expense was the cost of raising them, generally
Pappy Enoch: And earlier on, the griefers shooting them
Sexy Farmer 2:  Shooting them ? Wow that is not good

Pappy Enoch: Griefers were doing that. I would love to catch one :)
Sexy Farmer 2:  I am thnkfull that I own my own sim so a griefer comes I can ban them on the spot

Pappy Enoch: The healing kits add a new angle to that
Pappy Enoch: That's great about having your own sim. Some farmers were wiped out
Sexy Farmer 2:  Well he has [a healing kit] set for 90L so think about how much I have spent in the past two weekends cause of sl issues
Sexy Farmer 2: Yeah because of the taxing issues with lag on mainland I think it was

Pappy Enoch: So when you cain't log in, your chickens still age and get hungry?
Sexy Farmer 2:  Yes i always lay down plenty of food for the or use a silo

Pappy Enoch: Do you reckon that LL should provide a you with something when that happens…a chicken rebate?
Sexy Farmer 2: Yes I think they should do something to fix that espically if they get sent off world ..LL should offer a replacement

Pappy Enoch: [wondering about something called a "fence" but trying to be polite] Thank you for all the info. 

[A Sexy German Chicken farmer showed up, wanting to buy some poultry]

Sexy German Chicken Farmer: bin gerade auf einer huener und eier markt.


I were thinking of putting myself up for sale as their own Little Red Rooster, but them gals got down to business and I went on home, with nary a hen in my coop.

Say…Miss Pixeleen, you reckon I can cover Zindra in this here chicken suit? I might find me some game-birds over there!

[Pappy, with that suit you are teh sex - I'm sure you will be a total chick magnet in Zindra -- the Editrix]

10 Responses to “Linden Lab = Chicken Murderer”

  1. IntLibber Brautigan

    Sep 4th, 2009

    a) Should never us prim pens, use pits (8×8 meters) to store your chickens, they won’t warp offworld that way either.
    b) store two chicken to a pit to minimize physics lag
    c) do not keep more than 1 chicken per 1k square meters of land (nothing else on that amount of land either), else the script time lag and physics lag will drag the sim performance down and chickens will starve. Too many chickens = griefing the other sims on the server your sim is on as well as any other landowners in your sim.
    d) chicken stores/markets should keep all eggs and chickens in their respective transporter boxes to minimize lag and risk of damage.
    e) farmers should keep their land on restricted access, with no public build or object entry or scripting. Some idiots intentionally put their chickens out on accessible land because they want to get griefed so they’ll have something to rant about in their blogs. Such a person isn’t raising chickens, they are laying out bait for people who think chickens themselves are griefing devices.

  2. Chicken Advocate

    Sep 5th, 2009

    OMG! Intlibber wants to regulate chickens. What happened to Libertarianism! Free the chickens!!!

  3. Berry Thomas

    Sep 5th, 2009

    The “accent” is not funny, it’s just annoying. This might otherwise have been an interesting read but this way, I’ll just pass on it.

  4. Pappy Enoch

    Sep 5th, 2009

    Ain’t no accent, you stuck-up rascal. It are the sound of a natural-born man straight out o’ Ol’ Virginny.

    And them fake gals knows it! Hold me down, boys! The Big Rooster of Enoch Holler am on the prowl and lookout hen-house!

  5. At0m0 Beerbaum

    Sep 6th, 2009

    In this article, we see pappy’s descent into furfaggotry.

    Stay tuned to the next article where he yiffs in hell.

  6. Eva Ryan

    Sep 6th, 2009

    Are we crying “FOUL” again?

  7. Hey AtOmO Beerbomb! You reckon I can git me some lovin’ if’n I goes furry?

    I ain’t so sure…last time I tried fur to do a story, them Lustwood furries run me out and started talkin’ about eating brains!

    Maybe I should give up on fake sex. It’s DAMN dangerous! I’m gonna become a fake monk an’ go live in a convent.

  8. Obvious Schism

    Sep 7th, 2009

    Aaah good. The Herald makes a welcome return to rooster related topics. I was really beginning to miss my daily diet of chicken feed

  9. Archie Lukas

    Sep 8th, 2009

    I didn’t understand a word of the dialect;
    however i had a damn good laugh at the silly pictures,

    Thanks for that, appreciated.

  10. IntLibber Brautigan

    Sep 15th, 2009

    Chicken Advocate,
    Libertarians recognise pollution as an externality imposed on others, causing them damage, by irresponsible industry. Lag is pollution. As there is no court system in SL to resolve chicken lag related disputes, and estate owners are essentially feudal lords with estate vassalage which they sublet in fee simple deed tenancies to their customers, it is proper to set regulations within the estate/covenant feudal system to manage lag in a sim, so one person does not pollute another with chicken lag.

    THAT is how real libertarianism works. Prok’s idea of “fuck you I’ve got mine” is the sort of fabricated disinfo BS that gets put out by radical leftists about libertarianism.

Leave a Reply