Restrained Life – A Vile Perversion, Masked by a Gentle Name
by Alphaville Herald on 11/12/09 at 8:01 am
An alternate Second Life viewer reviewed
by Miss Petunia Amaryllis Courtney Taliaferro, Second Life League of Decency
Beware, innocents! I had such hopes when I transferred the so-called “Restrained Life Viewer” to my personal computer. I do not use the crass term “download,” since it can have a sexual double-entendre.
Once I had installed the viewer, I obtained a dubious sounding “Bunnehs Tied Down in Writing Agony Relay”. The donor, some chuckling stranger at the Ahern Welcome Area, dressed like a theme-park animal, also provided me with a destination where I could “start ur RL fun good. LOL.”
So armed, if slightly wounded by his atrocious grammar, I began the search for others who live a life of restraint in Second Life's vast moral wasteland. 
I assumed, using my unmatched intellect, that this viewer would restrain Second Life users' libidos when they were caught in the orbit of my imposing and attractive figure and come-hither wit. I was not only wrong, wrong, oh so wrong! but…I was nearly violated! This is far worse than anything inflicted upon your gallant reporter by the hellions of the catfighting world!
My quest for others of taste and decorum ended abruptly, in a sort of perverted theme park that the animal-headed thing foisted upon innocent me: Big Bunneh's Hog-Tied Dungeon. I thought it likely some quaint barbecue stand, redolent of Southern peasant humor and cuisine, where locals of refined decorum “slummed a bit” after church services or cotillion.
Within ten paces I was bound tightly, as if by unseen fiends, in a sexually suggestive pose.
Soon after escaping this nightmare, I was hauled bodily into a gilded cage and stripped of my clothing by some automatic process! Though I object to lurid photographs of beauties such as me, I have provided our editors at the Herald with a cleaned-up version of my torment.
I was eventually able, though a synchronized swelling of my mighty bosom, to burst the bars of the barbican and flee for my poor life, clad only in my bonnet, shoes, and a few carefully plucked fig-leaves. I was Eve, but without the Fall as I am still pure! Had I remained caged, I am certain I would have become the sexual plaything of some leather-clad human-hybrid monster with a bunny-head.
Oh, I shall NEVER be the same again. Instead of meeting my hopes for restraining the sybarites of Second Life, this software was but a new means for enacting the worst possible manner of tortures upon my virginal self.
Not since my failed attempt to secure SLOD funding, and perhaps a dinner-and-dance invitation, from the high-minded and sharp-tongued Mr. Neva, that fountainhead of masculine propriety, have I been so disappointed!
Where I come from, BDSM is indeed a local practice. It refers, however, to the annual Holy Day commemorating the “Beatifying the Desecration of Saint Manicheus,” who was stripped, flogged, flayed, marinated in olive oil, roasted on a grate, sprinkled with oregano, cut into tenderloins, eaten, excreted, and hurled about by Maenads when the holy man refused to partake of a lurid festival of lust, in ancient times.
I was nearly the saintly one! Oh, will my ravaged mind ever recover from this burning shame?
Yet there is a ray of light in this maelstrom of darkness. Clever members of our SLOD Youth are re-coding the Restrained Life Viewer to prevent an avatar from disrobing, from speaking any words we deem immoral, from getting too close to another avatar, and from (may I be coarse?) touching its own nether regions. We are working on a patented shock-therapy interface to provide electrical corrections to the hands of vile typists. We shall make this your default viewer from Linden Lab one day.
Then my suffering and humiliation will have served a noble purpose.
Eva Ryan
Dec 11th, 2009
/me stuffs another dainty doily in Miss Petunia Amaryllis Courtney Taliaferro’s ass… “dang, that’s the best looking part of her, the doily.”
Atlas Shrugged
Dec 11th, 2009
Ok so a GUY who is playing a GIRL avatar on second life is often refered to as a MANGINA, pretty funny right, but what is a GIRL who plays a GUY on second life called? A WOSACK ? A SHENIS ? Used in a sentance: “Hey Babs, is that your SHENIS realtor pal over there looking kind of funny at us?” or used in another example: “Tell that damned WOSACK to BACK OFF and stop stalking me”
You asked the fountainhead Mister Neva for money and a date with dancing out on the town and were turned down?
Dr. Cuddles McCoy, Prim Baby and Mad Scientist
Dec 11th, 2009
If a Mangina cybers with a Wosack and they have a prim baby, do we get a Mansack? Or A Wogina? A Manis? No, wait, we get a new GENIS! Get it? Genis..genus…species.
On never mind. I’m just a stupid fake baby.
Skye D.
Dec 11th, 2009
*Snerk*
Ari Blackthorne
Dec 11th, 2009
@Dr. Cuddles McCoy
I think you end-up with a *Mesbian*.
Alexander
Dec 12th, 2009
This article could have been about something that is new and unique. The restrained life viewer is certainly interesting and deserves exploration and explanation for those of us who have yet to, or won’t explore it ourselves. At the very least it says something profound about secondlife society — a thought that could be expanded.
Instead we get this self-serving, pseudo-southern, uninteresting, attempt at humor and poor writing.
Pompous, annoying, and completely pointless. Not journalism, yet failing at even reaching interesting, on a topic that could have been gold you strike shit.
Pointless, hard to read, and written through the eyes of a character that nobody would like — or even hate, only pass over in its’ forgettable nature.
Fail.
DF
Dec 13th, 2009
I dont know Alexander, I find miss Petunia Amaryllis Courtney Taliaferro’s pieces amusing.
Its not entirely my kind of humor but it’s a lighthearted stab at the prudes of Second Life. For that, I applaud.
I do feel like the consored bars in the last two pictures are entirely too small. Miss Petunia Amaryllis Courtney Taliaferro normally has the decency to keep all covered down to her ankles, and I didnt wish to see those. Or anything else towards the neck. I hope I will never have to again.
And miss petunia… a little less makeup wont hurt.
Prof. Archie Lukas
Dec 15th, 2009
Nice to see a photo-realistic avatar for a change
Sway
Dec 23rd, 2009
That was day the herald shot grandma linden lol
loorain
Sep 10th, 2010
laughs loudly,not bad, certainly lightened my mood seeing gramma tied up and stripped lol.
At first i thought it was just another whiner complaining about rlv and not liking it, but it turned out to be an amusing way of poking fun at the prudes that seem to haunt sl constantly. *Snerks*
Pappy Enoch
Sep 10th, 2010
Don’t you worry none, loorain. Ol’ prude am in the Big House now (that-there “Really Really Bad Gals Reform Skool”). I reckon Pee-toonia aims to write ya’ll a piece from in there. Mite loosen her up some because my evil-rotten sister am now a guard.