Linden Home? Hell No!

by Alphaville Herald on 13/04/10 at 11:22 am

by Pappy Enoch, Squatter and Shiftless Bum

select your squat

Them Lindens been trying to git us into them little ticky-tack boxes they calls homes. All you needs to do am shell out 72 bucks a year for "Premium" so them nare-do-wells can ignore you.

That lil’ old house am just the bait to sum’fin: like ol’ George an Weezy Jefferson, a-movin’ on up! You soon ain’t gonna enjoy no little 512 when that-there third fake baby comes along. Then you gots to pay tier to them rascals.

Why the hell pay them Linden big-bugs when you can squat? Ol’ King Mark don’t need him no new throne to sit on when folks like me ain’t got no pot to pee into. But I are here to offer ya’ll hope, so you don’t end up in no fake suburb. Who in the Sam Hill wants bushes that look thataway? Mine am big and gots thorns to keep out the law-men.

Anyhow, you don’t need no fake money to live better’n Uncle Jed and Granny! Just mosey around that-there Linden mainland and you’ll find yourself a heap of free land that players done up and left. It are just a-waitin’ for some cinder blocks and a clever boy who needs to work on on his truck but lacks hisself a good shade-tree spot.

I done bumped into better than 6000 sq. meters of land some folks walked out on. It had 600 free prims! I done sucked up a bunch and I aims to fill ‘er good with my tractors (some runs), whiskey barrels, my Girls-in-the-Barnyard magazine collection, trucks (one, I think, do run), and prim babies I took in when them suburban fake mommies and other folks abandoned the tykes. I aims to bring up them chirren in a cold, cruel fake world the right way: as fake hillbillies.

I’d tell ya’ll where my little chunk o’ heaven am, but I ain’t so dang dumb as that. It wood be like givin’ up a good fishin’ hole. Leastways, not till I uses up my other 400 prims. Then we aims to have us one big par-tee!

So, po’ folks here am how you kin git you some of this action:

1) Look for empty spots when you am a-flyin’ about. Flying drunk am better cause you sees stuff all fuzzy and can overlook the neighbors. Then you won’t feel bad about what you done did, later on, driving down the real-estate values so’s more squatters can move in.

B) When the title-bar thing says "abandoned land," land fast. It am a land-grab!

3) Folks am gittin’ rid of land so fast them Lindens cain’t keep up with resettin stuff. This means you kin move rite in. Pappy’s trick: find "About Land" and "autoreturn = 0" and you am half-way there.

IV) Now you need to set out your treasures. I found that the feller who quit his land turned off rezzin’ but that ain’t no problem. I just found me a spot nigh unto my new squat and rezzed my traps, truck, outhouse, still, and more. Then I dragged ‘em over, fired up the boiler, and got me some Shine a flowin’ good.

Pappy's new tier-free home

Instant squat! Think on it this way: it are a form o’ social protest. If’n them Lindens don’t make stuff better and keeps adding stupid rules, we can all go squat on empty spots.

Them rascals will be playin’ whack-a-bum until they goes crazy and gives up! They got, what? 300 folks on the payroll? We must have us at least 3,000 bums who reads the Herald and another 30K who am too lazy to read but still likes to cause trouble.

So don’t pay no tier! Come squat! Send Pap an instant massage if’n you needs a outhouse. I didn’t say nuffin’ about no fake indoor plumbin’ and suchlike. Wooden seat beats diggin’ a hole.

42 Responses to “Linden Home? Hell No!”

  1. LOL

    Apr 13th, 2010

    My thoughts Exactly, the Mainland is full of Empty plots, hell some sit empty got over a year… set up and Sell your warez. I do :-)

    FAH-Q Linden Lab

  2. Felida Raleigh

    Apr 13th, 2010

    OMG, could you please have this text corrected by anyone whose English is better and more understandable.. .? I am sorry, I did not get the contents at all…

  3. hobo kelly

    Apr 13th, 2010

    I’m thinkin’ the ole Herald should have a Squat Party sometime soon on a nice big chunk of abandoned land somewhere’s. This idear is soundin’ good to me. Everything ok there except no Sion Chickenz, and NO BELARUS CHICKEN TRACKERS. Just wide open fruited plains from fake sea to fake shining sea for glorious Squat Party. Pappy you should be there to make double plus ungood Hoster with the Moster so things not get out of hand, but no sneaking any chickenz in, especially Russian ones that cause glorious giant submarines to show up with gunz blazin’ and no inviting Kingmark cuz hes busy in the cement pond filling up Fail Pail for watering more land. Whale Doggies we have a good time!

  4. Danziel Lane

    Apr 13th, 2010

    Hallo Felida,
    ich übersetz dir das in den nächsten Tagen mal.

    (that was German for Felida)

  5. Pappy Enoch

    Apr 13th, 2010

    I kin host the dang thang, Hobo Kelly! Y’all kin all come (just do so behind the big rock–it are a Mature sim).

    Miss Pix gots her the LM so I reckon it are time to have us a rip-roarin’ good time on land no folks wants. I put out a wadin’ pool, TV set, and some paper (back issues of the Cornville Hooter) in the outhouse. Whee HOO!

    Them Lindens shows and I aims to give ‘em both barrels and set the attack pigs on them scalawags.

    Miss Felinda, I know y’all gots German Hillbillies down near Austria. I done seen me fotographs of ‘em. So maybe one of them-there fellers can transmogrify this-hear Queen’s English into some good German.

    Ol’ Barney Google’s translation machine got me the sense of Danziel’s advice to you. He sure am a nice boy!

    Well, anyhow, don’t put my words into the machine or it will be tits up in no time flat. Google cain’t handle no fancy English.

  6. Luci

    Apr 13th, 2010


  7. Gaara Sandalwood

    Apr 13th, 2010

    Why so serious? I found this understandably serious while funny at the same time.

    u mad?

  8. Gundel Gaukelei

    Apr 13th, 2010


    Your shift key is stuck.

  9. Pappy Enoch

    Apr 13th, 2010

    Heeeeeeeey, Luci!

    I just loves say that, like ol’ Ricky Retardo done did.

    I is serious, and I plans to live on my squat as a scientifical experiment thing.

    Let’s see how long them Lindens takes to give me the boot.

  10. Senban Babii

    Apr 13th, 2010



    This was clearly a way to use humour and a well known and much loved interweb personality to draw attention to the fact that large swathes of mainland are currently abandoned, inviting the reader to wonder why this might be. As Gaara said, funny and serious at the same time.

    Obviously you’re not from round these parts…..

  11. Obvious Schism

    Apr 13th, 2010

    @ Luci

    I am always serrious so I don’t see what the problem is

  12. TrinityDejavu

    Apr 13th, 2010

    @Senban Babii Humor? I must have missed that part. Not even a smirk.

  13. Pappy Enoch

    Apr 13th, 2010

    “much loved”?

    HOO WHEE. I wants to show you that-there rock pile I done referred to, Miss Senban. We mite need sum’fin to sit on while we am courtin’ n’ sparkin’ so let’s invite Obvious along…he’s rite agreeable and I don’t reckon we’ll get no splinters.

  14. LOL@S(p)EN(g)BA(b)N

    Apr 13th, 2010

    Senban you’re a fun specimen to watch.

    Still haven’t figured out if you’re a mutant SeaMonkey or a simple Goldfish with white spot disease. Either way your fish bowl existence is hilarious to watch. 2 mucha serious SL blog bizness, not enuffs reals life…

    “Well known and muched loved interweb persona//whatchamacallit//” ?

    Say Wut?

    Delusional Freak!

  15. Olivia

    Apr 13th, 2010


    Will you be sending out invites once the still gets set up?

  16. Emperos Norton hears a who?

    Apr 13th, 2010

    Pappy squatting scares me; one of these days one of those Steam Punk mad scientists at Caledon is going to kidnap Pappy Enoch in his sleep and then the virtual shit is really going to hit the fan for everyone. It’s going to be a 50meter tall steam power hillbilly ‘bot with Pappy’s brain crashing threw Bay City and Zindra shouting “were’s ma’ porn mags?” For the girds sake Pappy needs a safe place to rest his inbred head.

  17. Senban Babii

    Apr 13th, 2010


    Honestly, learn to type without using your forehead and you’ll attract far more women instead of quadrupeds. I mean, this was you, right? O.o

    I am a fun specimen though, it’s true. Possibly a little subtle for you though it seems so I shall lower my game a bit to see if that works for you more better.

    /me makes humorous fart noise using armpit

  18. LOL@S(p)EN(g)BA(b)N

    Apr 13th, 2010

    lauren youre a toss out, admit it. and this bit is bloody madness and you know it:”Unfortunately I haven’t had time for Second Life…”you haven’t had any time for real-life you blog-biting wanker!

    /me decides at the last minute to not feed the SeaMonkey and twists the lid back onto the food jar. Yeah you figured it out, I finally decided that you are the SEAMONKEY instead of the spotted goldfish.

  19. Senban Babii

    Apr 13th, 2010

    @@LOL@S(p)EN(g)BA(b)N@’(0(|< or whatever

    lmao really?

    I've not logged into SL for weeks – oh wait, I tell a lie. I logged in a few days ago for less than a minute to see the new TOS thing and tick the box. Check my FB page where I put a notice up pointing out that I wouldn't be around for a while due to my study load. Ask any of the people who know me in SL whether they've seen me around for weeks?

    Have you seen me commenting here much? No? Maybe what, two comments in the last couple of weeks, if that.

    When was the last time I wrote in my blog? Hmm, it's that long I'd actually have to go and look because I can't remember. But it's a couple of months at a guess.

    How about Twitter? Or that thing the Lindens bought. You're the expert on my life apparently (which are cute, do you lovez me?). I've not looked at any of them for weeks. As my official stalker, you already know these things of course ;)

    I actually, really, genuinely just don't have time. Right now I'm smack in the middle of a bunch of degree assignments. That's a computing degree by the way. On which my lowest percentage grade so far is 88% at second year level. And it's my third degree. Not counting a master's degree. I HAS AN SMART ;)

    Between work, study and an actual social life, right now SL doesn't even make the top twenty. We're not even currently using it in work so I'm not even logging in there.

    Happy? Incidentally, I'm laughing myself sick at your attempts to troll me 8-bd

    /me does little whoop whoop Zoidberg dance and eats the tasty seamonkey

    u mad?

  20. Gaara Sandalwood

    Apr 13th, 2010

    Well said.


  21. Pappy Enoch

    Apr 13th, 2010

    “Will you be sending out invites once the still gets set up?”

    Yep! Purty gals drinks free!

    I plans to hold me a knee-slappin’ shindig armpit-fartin’ jamboree rite soon.

    Less’n some steampunk mad scientist sticks my brain into a ginormous world-conquering robutt machine, or them Lindens boots me, one.

  22. Picard's Wonky Eye

    Apr 13th, 2010

    Oh this will be fun…

    Get Morpork to bring some Post 6 chicks, get someone to revive Jimbo, and we’ll have a squatter party.

    Make it so, Pixeleen

  23. kimi mystang

    Apr 13th, 2010

    why dont you keep this a little bit more private? lindens still turn on auto-return more and more on abandoned parcels, if a bigger crowd uses them also squatting will be dead soon… :-/

  24. Jumpman Lane

    Apr 13th, 2010

    Uri , um i mean pappy we want NEWS!

  25. Robble Rubble

    Apr 13th, 2010

    I’ve squatted like this in the past, I’ve had squats like this last for months by building large skybox structures at around 2,000 km up. Have a youtube video of one:

  26. Sylauxe

    Apr 13th, 2010

    “I’ve squatted like this in the past, I’ve had squats like this last for months by building large skybox structures at around 2,000 km up. Have a youtube video of one:

    And I added the sign that says “Robble freezes his poopies and uses them as didoes”.

    It’s all about teamwork, ayep.

  27. LOL@S(p)EN(g)BA(b)N

    Apr 13th, 2010

    SenSlob you POP like a blister so well and generally right on queue.


  28. Alyx Stoklitsky

    Apr 14th, 2010

    My SLX box was hidden under some random person’s e-home in snout for over a year. It would probably still be there if I hadn’t moved it myself.

  29. Senban Babii

    Apr 14th, 2010


    Got any more of those seamonkeys? I’m starving :^D

  30. Gaara Sandalwood

    Apr 14th, 2010

    I usually went really high up into a skybox and make a home then idle.

  31. Miss J

    Apr 14th, 2010

    i squatted on a private sim for about 8 months at one point. I dont know how the sim owner never caught it even after i bought the land for a dollar. The parcel was around 4000sqm…. But one day, my things were returned and the land was sold. It was fun while it lasted.

  32. Alyx Shitklitsky

    Apr 14th, 2010

    @Alyx Stoklitsky

    How can you repeatedly call Second Life shit and other highly descriptive names and berate anyone who uses it, and act like your doing midnight griefer runs but be still selling on SLX? fucking hypocrite.

    Now we can compare you to Stroker serpentine, Don’t shit where you eat it will make you a sick fuck.

    Nice title on
    Alyx Stoklitsky is offline
    Modern Griefer Mega-Troll

  33. Dr. Egghead

    Apr 14th, 2010

    When we were new and stupid in SL (now we are only old and stupid) we left rezzing on and autoreturn off for our shiny university island.

    Guess what? Some crafty guy from Italy not only built great new homes but was renting them out! As was typical then for many university islands, no one was logging on for weeks at a time. Then a bunch of us logged in to do some work for a new project and…

    Lesson learned :) It was fun finding a student who spoke Italian to tell the guy that we admired his entrepreneurial spirit but, um, his villas had to go. He and our “residents” were pretty gracious…he’d made his money and they picked up their sex-beds. No ARs needed.

    I suggested that we take over the rentals. Admins didn’t care for that idea.

  34. Edna

    Apr 14th, 2010

    Right on Pappy. Tier is a tax for n00bs and suckers to pay. In real life a squatter is well protected. The land owner must go through a lengthy and expensive, legal eviction process. All ethics and respect for human dignity are thrown out the door in Second Life however. I’ve seen squatters rights violated by the lab too many times. A peaceful squatter and his family are quietly enjoying their claimed homestead only to be bounced to the curb like last week’s garbage when the lab sells off the property from beneath their feet. No warning, no due process. Horrifying to say the least.

    I recommend a system I’ve dubbed “Perma-squat” instead. Create a group and find a nice old sim that was created to house the defunct “First Land” parcels. Pick out a smaller plot like a 512 or 1024 for sale and purchase it for the group. Give it a name and teraform as you like because you won’t be able to change it later. Set auto-return to “0″ and leave your group. Within 24 hours, your group is deleted because it lacks two members. The land you purchased for the group is still there and still showing belonging to your group. Fill it up with prims and enjoy living tier-free. My oldest perma-squat is now 3 years and 7 months old. No one has ever bothered it.

    Be sure to always keep the parcel primmed out by adding prims in the sky if you have to though because you won’t have permissions to delete others’ stuff. God knows that SL is full of deadbeats and leeches who will attempt to use your rightful perma-squat land without compensating you if you don’t make sure to keep it primmed out.

  35. Ari Blackthorne

    Apr 15th, 2010


    My question to Pappy: what took you so long to figure this stuff out? Aren’t you bums supposed to be so creative and adaptable that’d have figured it a long time ago?

    My favorite for jackass neighbors: link a shouter to a 30-meter “beam” prim and then link the opposite end to a box – with box as root. Place root on your land (whatever land you might be squatting on) and extend the shouter into the middle of the jerk’s parcel where it will drive him up the wall.

    Since the root prim is not on his land – he can’t return it. and LL is “slower than molasses rolling uphill” at “encroachment” abuse reports for returning “offending” prims.


  36. Pappy Enoch

    Apr 15th, 2010

    Ari, I are just a dumb bum, I reckon. The idear come to me when I were sober one day (sum’fin mighty rare for me).

    It also took me a while to see how them Lindens ain’t able to keep up with all that-there emptied-out land. That there problum is getting worse n’ worse, as more folks says “to hell with this” and leaves SL or at least their land.

    Them Lindens don’t want to talk about it, either! Ol’ King Mark forces folks to look at his finger-paintin’ masterpieces and whatnot and rolls out profit-estimates to the banker-boys. Meanwhile, just look at the map-thing and hit the “land for sale” button. Then do a little fly-around in your UFO or Dread Zeppelin and check the parcel-notes for empty spots.

    Abandoned. I reckon we bums am doin’ the Lindens favor by a-keepin’ up the ruins.

    I’ll be neighborly to the folks nearby…don’t want to rile them up none. Poor folks! They am the ones tossin’ money into a rat-hole.

    I just hopes they don’t mind the view out the back window. I done spruced up the scenery somewhat, don’t you know, with my trailer, and wadin’ pool, and truks on blocks, and pigs, and magazine collectshun, and outhouse.

  37. Gilligan Meriman

    Apr 15th, 2010

    Hilarious, good on ya Pappy.
    No love for the haterz, lol.

  38. IntLibber Brautigan

    Apr 16th, 2010

    Great idea, but you can do that one better. Lets say your asshat neighbor is the one with the shouter and he wont shut it off, limit its range, etc. What you do is take out of the Library folder of your inventory the Chat Parrot thats part of every orientation island experience. Link each one to their own long invisiprim beam as you suggested, so the chat parrots are on Walter J Asshat’s land, next to the shouter. Whenever the shouter makes a shout, the parrots will start chatting with each other incessantly, filling up the screens of anybody on that land with parrot chatter….

  39. Ari Blackthorne

    Apr 16th, 2010



    I guess I’m just not that creative. heheheh

  40. Scrotal Paine

    Apr 17th, 2010

    Perhaps it’s time to take the friendship tower on the road again.

  41. Archie

    Apr 19th, 2010

    Would someone translate the colonial patois for me?


  42. [...] April 13, 2010 the Alphaville Herald posted a story about how to squat on virtual land, written by my genius hero, Pappy Enoch. The next day I went [...]

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