Squattin’ Life Part 2: Don’t Rile The Neighbors

by Alphaville Herald on 20/04/10 at 2:28 am

Second Life dream home

by Pappy Enoch, Squatter, Drunken Bum, & Art Devotee

Howdy from my squat. It are going right well, now that I are in my second week. I moved all my traps to another spot that gots more prims open–4000 of ‘em in fact (for now–I aims to fix that).

I knows that, one of these-here days, them Lindens will go out of business or get around to clearing this-here wasteland I done started to transmogrify into a fake Garden o’ Eden. I’m bettin’ on the out-o-business outcome. They must be a dozen abandoned pieces of land in eyeball range of my squat.

Now some of you folks were braggin’ about all sorts of nasty stuff you kin do to the neighbors, like leaving fake piles o’ dog poop that shouts the words to Slim Whitman’s greatest hits, an’ so forth. But my poor neighbors seems like honest folks with too much time an’ money on their hands: they really am aimin’ to build themselfs a fake suburb-life in a dream home, get nekkid with some other fat guy who’s at the computin’ machine in his basement, and whatnot.

Who the hell are I to bust that-there bubble? We fat boys needs love, too! Anyhow, them Lindens am fixin’ to bust it soon enough, when they sells out to somebody else and makes us all homeless bums playing World o’ Warcrack, Club Barbiedoll (where I aims to be GI Joe and kick Ken’s fake sissy butt), or some such thing.

So listen up, squatters! Griefin’ folks next door am so 2006 it ain’t even funny no more (well, less’n you lives near Ol’ Protology Never or Humpman Lane or Miss Petunuia The Prude Taliaferro).

So here am my tricks o’ the trade for you bums who wants to be neighborly:

art gallery

A) Pretty up the place. I done put out some nice trees to keep peepin’ eyes off my treasures, but I left some view-spots open so them neighbors can mosey over to see Pappy’s Temple o’ the Fine Arts.

2) Yep, put up some artwork, ya’ll! Right after nekkid gals on tractors o’ holdin’ guns, they ain’t a dang thing so prettified to the eye than some sad-clown paintin’, Elvis on black velvet, Western themes, still lifes o’ dead animals, and human-intermerest art, like big-eye cats with some little gal, cryin’ of course, a-holdin’ onto them.

sad clown art

III) I hung me up a hole pile of suchlike, after I borrowed some of the subjects from somebody who don’t need ‘em rite now in her fake mansion (an’ won’t miss ‘em I reckons).

IIIb) Put out entertainment so them neighbors kin have some fun after they am all worked up by the arts! I added me a pool, TV set to the Heehaw Network, farm-history museum, and free liquid refreshenments from my still.

good neighbors and moonshine

4) Don’t visit the neighbor-folks land to rezz nuffin’ until them am gone to their real or fake jobs. Less’n they gots a mean fake dog or a security thing, they ain’t never gonna know you was there. Clean up too! One jug a-rollin’ around and they would know Pap were in the back yard.

D) Link everything you can link into ONE BIG THING. Then when the terrible awful horrible day comes and you gits the boot, you can go find new land, pull your stuff back out agin’ in one swift move and KERPOWIE! you will have another squat.

But that ain’t gonna happen soon–look at the dates on some o’ this cleared-out land. Folks up and left around here last summer…them Lindens just ain’t gonna keep up with that. How many parcels you reckon am out there? Ol’ King Mark ain’t tellin’ I reckon.

pigs, tractors, moonshine and Pappy - good nieghbors!

Next week: livin’ dangerous on for-sale land.

25 Responses to “Squattin’ Life Part 2: Don’t Rile The Neighbors”

  1. A furry

    Apr 20th, 2010

    Why don’t you buy land instead of scrungning off everyone who pays for Second Life?

  2. Cayce Urriah

    Apr 20th, 2010

    @A furry – Never read ‘Steal this book’, have you?
    Living off the land, provided nobody’s using it and you do no harm, isn’t immoral. I’ve got my own tenement encampment. I support LL by buying $L, but living the nomadic style can be fun too.

  3. SL Squat Patrol

    Apr 20th, 2010

    I hears me that some of them thar Flyin Monkeys are out flyin’ about with their brains a boilin’ tryin’ to find them squatters now. Theys think them squatters bees bein’ griffers to the land and they can’t cotton to it no way no how. I’m thinkin’ it mebbe takes just one more terrible situation or precarious predicament to make their brains go a boilin’ all over the place. Fly evil flyin’ monkeys fly, but your brains blow up like pressure cooker with stuck valve before you get all them squatters, especially good ole Pappy…

  4. Gundel Gaukelei

    Apr 20th, 2010

    @A furry

    If you don’t like how your provider operates the service, direct your complaints to the one taking your money and spare the world your fanboy philosophy. You are not Lindenlab, thus if others make a better deal, its non of your business. You may, of course, want to make a better deal yourself. But that in turn is non of my business.

  5. @SL Squat Patrol: Them Lindens ain’t met my sistur Jezzybell who:

    1) Kin run fastr’n me (usually chasin’ me to beat the crap out o’ poor Pappy)

    B) Kin run wif a chainsaw in her hands

    III) Ain’t skeered o’ no dang flyin’ monkeys and just hauls out the AK an hollers “pull!” when they shows up

    III, part 2) am fixin’ to write next week’s installment o’ this series.

  6. @a furry…Now I tries to be polite to fake folks I meets but:

    Gawd you am dumb.

    If’n you kin git sum’fin off rich folks for free, because they cain’t be bothered to run the bizness right, well, like Davey Crockett said “if’n you know you am right, go ahead.”

    Givin’ money to sum’fin run so bad am the dumb thing. And I reckon like Ol’ Davey I’ll hang on till the Alamo.

  7. Darien Caldwell

    Apr 20th, 2010

    ah, a Tractor and a kiddie pool. Reminds me of my childhood. :)

  8. Judge Joker

    Apr 20th, 2010

    Why the AK47? if your going all hillbilly/redneck american why not a shotgun? or something more american and less of a ex-russian jihadi pick-up.

  9. Jumpman Lane

    Apr 20th, 2010

    caws pappy’s a sap! lol

  10. Emperos Norton hears a who?

    Apr 20th, 2010

    Well another week has gone by and Pappy is still safe. It is not to late to find Pappy a security facility in an undisclosed location. Remember; mad scientists with giant robots dream at night of a brain like Pappy’s.

    I mean can’t you see Pappy is scared people? He’s rezzing crying hobos images for the love of the gird. That is a desperate plea for help if there ever was one. What’s next; cat shaped clocks? Plastic Elvis statues?

    When will the fear end?

  11. Ari Blackthorne

    Apr 20th, 2010

    I have officially decided Pappy is the only reason to keep reading the Herald at all and will thereby throw in my vote for Pappy.

  12. @Norton: Yo’ Excerlency, I ain’t skeered of no Doctor Frankenfurters an’ them giant row-butts you worries so much about. I plans to give ‘em Ol’ Humpman Lane’s brain…he won’t miss it none.

    Garden o’ fine sculptures am next. Thank’ee for the idear.

    Now Judge Joker, Jezzybell loves them-thar overseas-made guns. She telled me “ain’t got to reload so much as that damn scattergun o’ your’n and you kin git drunk an’ still shoot stuff you cain’t stand. Only thing better’n that am cuttin’ stuff up wif a chain saw.”

    She’ll tell you more on that next week.

    @Humpman Lane: Boy, I mite be a sap, but you sho’ nuff am shy. I bin a-tryin’ to git that butt of yours lined up for months and I cain’t ketch you!

  13. Paige

    Apr 20th, 2010

    Pappy for President!!! Woot ;)

  14. Farmetta Funster

    Apr 20th, 2010

    <3 Pappy <3,
    You are certainly a man after my own pea-pickin' heart.
    I am puttin' you on notice that I have perfected a rabbit snare just expecially designed fer catchin' some of them little bunny foofoos for my stew pot. There be a big 'xplosion of rabbits in my neighborhood, on account of them weekend suburbanite farmers fergettin' the simplest fact about rabbits, besides food and poo pellets. When Himself Almighty told us to go forth and multiply, He fergot to put the stoppers in them rabbit ears. Them city folks ain't got no clue what to do. Way I figger it, I'll be doin' 'em all a big favor. So as soon as I figger out how to peel the fur off one of them little rabbit-prim critters, <3 Pappy <3, I will be invitin' you over fer a mess o' rabbit stew. Don't ferget to bring some 'shine. If'n you git lucky, I just might show you my poker-playin' pooches..
    Your <3 fan <3, Farmetta

  15. <3 Farmetta Funster <3

    Hoo whee. Now all them real fake hillbillies am a showin' up.

    Look out, flyin' monkeys! We aims to TAKE OVER. Git ready for some rabbit stew!

  16. Damn you all to hell for laughing at this inbred ingrate.

    I’ll have the readers of the Herald understand that my client, Miss Petunia Courtney Amaryllis Taliaferro, SL Leage of Decency, has been subjected to burglary! Several works of fine art, including many pieces shown in the Tepid Life 2009 festival of the arts, were removed from Doilywood, Miss Taliferro’s ancestral home.

    Anyone knowing the whereabouts of the following objets d’art will be paid a rich reward by my client. The theft includes:

    *Duquene LeBlock’s daring work, “Jeunne fille, pleurant, avec chat, pleurant.”

    *Margarine Plumpton’s “Saltimbanco, pleurant, Rapid City Circus, 1950.”

    *Lapoola Manifold’s “Young lads with large heads, pleurant”

    and worst of all:

    *Reginald Candlewick Portnoy’s “Ponderosa Serenade,” Winner of the 2009 Prokofy Neva Award for Anti-Collectivism at Tepid Life.

    My client is beside herself. Has this thief NO shame??

  17. David

    Apr 20th, 2010

    Maybe the Woodbury folks can learn a thing or two from the squatters. I heard they lost their sims again.

  18. JustMe

    Apr 22nd, 2010

    No question … Pappy is the best thing that’s happened to the Herald in a long time :)

  19. Miss J

    Apr 22nd, 2010

    they should lose their sims

  20. They’ll lose their shirts when our lawsuit on behalf of my wounded client comes to court!

    The Honorable Maximilian Billybob Snopes, of Enoch Holler Circuit (rider) Court has agreed to hear our case! The entire Enoch clan has been served papers…it’s up to them to find someone who can read.

    Miss Petunia will get her restitution!

  21. Jumpman Lane

    Apr 23rd, 2010

    we dont care bout this crap we want news! like wtf happened to our pal Tizzeh!?!?!

  22. Selkit Diller

    Apr 23rd, 2010


    Tizzers is currently banned without warning, like a good chunk of WU; A friend of mine was banned without warning or cause, simply by having been a Woodbury EM at one point in the past. Note that this individual’s also a sim owner, and carefully note that LL *will* ban a sim owner without warning, provided reasoning, and will still take tier from you during the banned period.

    Yup. They’ll deny you access AND bill you for the priviledge. WU drama aside… there’s something foul going on at the Lab right now.

  23. Ari Blackthorne

    Apr 23rd, 2010

    Woodbury is now officially gone forever from the grid:


  24. Wayfinder

    Apr 23rd, 2010

    In my early days as a newb I unknowingly “squatted” on land. Here’s the thing: if ya don’t want others to build on your land, you can mark the land “no build”. If it allows building, that means: it allows building.

    LOL it’s like those folk who release “full perm” items then try to claim they’re “copyrighted”. LOL LOL. What maroons.

    Seriously, I respect the rights of others, but there are ways to reasonably protect rights… and ways to throw them to the wind. Land that allows building is wide open to “squatters”… which I think is a rather humorous aspect of SL life.

    I surely enjoyed this blog. : )

  25. [...] d’ Art: I done covered the finer points o’ the art world in my last collum , so go back and read it. I didn’t add that any paintin’ with Jesus or Elvis or a truck [...]

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