Fashionista Review: Look at Them-There F*cking SLipsters
by Alphaville Herald on 07/06/10 at 12:23 pm
by Pappy Enoch, Alphaville Herald Fashion Desk
Since I are a fashion expert (I done found me the best set o’ clothes ever and don’t change ‘em, till they wears out) I got me some "ethos" (that am what a city feller said, but I punched him anyhow) on this-here subject.
Ol’ Hamlet Au, over at New Fake World Notes, done writ up a bit about this fashion site.
Thank’ee, Mistopher Hamlet. I needed to make some money to git drunk so I done stole your idear.
Even if’n Pix won’t payin’ me, I had to have a gander at these boys, because even in my part of ol’ Virginny, them dang Hipsters am a-showin’ up. You know who they am. They gots them skinny ol’ dungarees on, a-peddlin’ them one-speed bisickles an’ wearin’ pork-pie hats. They drinks fancypants drinks like gimlets and Rob Roys and eats little ol’ horse-douvers like raw fish and smelly cheese, and never any real food that God made for human people to eat.
Most hipsters got so much ink on ‘em that you’d reckon the pen aisle at Staples done gone loco and run ‘em down for a scribble-fest or sum’fin.
So now them Hipsters done come to the fake world, too. It had to happen! But them racscals don’t know one thing: We hillbillies done invented irony. So here goes.
Now this feller here am *almost* Billy Badass. That hairdoo am pure Hillbilly psycho, a style I knows well. The jacket got itself a certain "flyaway" ellygance, but this boy needs to learn a couple things if’n he wants him a wild hillbilly gal (like my rotten sister, who I are anxious to git rid of).
1) Don’t hide no shootin’ iron behind yo’ back less’n it am little-bitty. A scattergun like the one he am totin’ do BEG to git pointed RITE at the camera.
B) Roll down them paytyloons, boy. This ain’t no clam-dig. Tuck ‘em into sum motorsickle boots an you’ll be nigh unto ol’ Marlon Brando who played Johnny frum "The Wild One."
Well, maybe that am a stretch for you, but a feller gots to have role models.
III) Put on some weight and don’t let the gals tear that-there shirt so much, less’n it are in the bedroom and y’all am tusslin’. Showin’ off chest-carpet done gone out o’ style in 1979.
Bein’ skinny am a general proberlum with the site, don’t you know. These boys couldn’t stand up to a stiff breeze, let alone the likes of my rotten horrible sister, Jezz Enoch.
Consider this feller, wearin’ a basket for a hat. What kind o’ rascal wears him sum’fin that dang dumb in public with them sassy Bermuda-short pantyloons? Hell, he’d not make it to the end of the sidewalk in Chilhowie on a Saturday night without needin’ to go the hospital.
And what in the hell am in his ears? Bottlecaps? Thank God I don’t git down to town more often. I might go on a shootin’ spree.
Okay, Slipsters! Y’all be warned. Next week I’ll cover some other wonderful aspect o’ fahsions in the fake world o’ Second Life.
PS from Jezz Enoch: Ol’ fat stuff done passed out from drinkin’ with the cornputer machine still on, so I wants to tell these skinny boys from down in the town how to git a gal, if’n that am what they am after. I ain’t sure o’ that, but just in case:
A) Wipe the dang smirks off’n them faces. I loves to punch a boy in the face when he whispers sweet nuffins like "I love your chainsaw," or "let’s git nekkid and shoot some rascal, then shag," but some faces cain’t be punched JUST one time. These faces am a-beggin’ for multiples.
And they ain’t the kind of face you wants to git nekkid with in the hayloft.
Two) Pappy am right. Don’t wear no bottlecaps in yo’ ears. Open a bottle with them teeth if’n you wants my love.
#3) Put on weight. I’d bust you up good shaggin’ don’t you know!
Maybe I should write up some o’ these-here fashion reviews, Miss Pixeleen. Pappy don’t know Calvin Klein from Calvinism.
samantha
Jun 7th, 2010
You have to be kidding me! These are little boys at best. Girls trying to be guys most likely. My gadar alarm is going whooowhooowhooo right now.
Give me He-man please.
Bunny Brickworks
Jun 7th, 2010
How about next time to actually use your own pics instead of ripping them off of some blog?
JustMe
Jun 7th, 2010
When I look at the fashion blogs for SL, I see two things:
1. beautiful womens clothing
2. mens clothing that looks like … lawd , I don’t know WHAT that crap looks like .. some kinda metrosexual/feminine/sissyboy silliness ? And to think that some guys (actually girls?) in SL wear that crap !!
hobo kelly
Jun 7th, 2010
Wellsum, that ther bottom one done looks like hes got sumthun lodged up his backside what don’t belong to him and is walkin real funny like to avoid collateral damage or sumthin. Silly Wosack. Best eat sum food like cuzin Jezz says, mebbe things will pass. a he he.
Marianne
Jun 7th, 2010
I don’t like He-Man or Stick Boys. Nah, swimmer body, lean and muscular but not steroids, and I am in heaven!
Pappy Enoch
Jun 7th, 2010
Aw….Miss Bunny! I would have gone out and got me some original pics, but these fellers am too talented at bein’ fake hipsters. It are a form o’ respeck to use them fotygrafs. I actually looks forward to see what these rascals will do next.
Hobo Kelly, I wished I’d a thunk of how the feller with a basket on his head looks like he are a-carrying him a load in them pantyloons an’ am just about to lose it. There he am, on a board-walk with excellent squattin’ potential to fix him rite up, and he don’t use it! Well, I never did understand city folks.
Miss Samantha, I gots your bony-fide he man rite here. Don’t fool wif no hipsters: go hillbilly for some rite good lovin’ and nary a dull moment!
Best part: no gimlets. If’n a city boy cain’t at least drink him a good martini (which am the city version of Shine, in my book) run, don’t walk for the hills!
Pappy Enoch
Jun 7th, 2010
PS: I knows I done misspelled “fashion” one time. It done ruint my reputation for perfect English, I reckons.
Now afore y’all gets all sassy, YOU try writin’ for a blob when you am drunk and see how you does!
Miss Pix, sounds like a contest to me.
Orion
Jun 7th, 2010
EEW! Those outfits just made me throw up a little bit in the back of my mouth…
All Seeing Eye
Jun 7th, 2010
right up queendon’s.. i mean kingdon’s alley.
Go look at a GQ mag. The current “style” is suits 4 sizes too small lmao.
pepper
Jun 7th, 2010
Pappy,
Don’t forget that James Schwarz was one of Miss Iris Ophelia’s Hottest 10 male avatars of 2008, which was the last time any of her nominees actually looked male. Give him some credit for that, anyway.
http://nwn.blogs.com/nwn/2008/11/ophelias-gaze-i.html
Pappy Enoch
Jun 7th, 2010
@Pepper, you am rite. I only made the top 30 in 2009 from Miss Ofeelya.
Well, y’all good folks at the Herald needs to stuff them-there ballot boxes in 2011, when Miss Ofeelya lets this boy run again and bust a wheelbarrow full o’ hearts agin’ among the discernin’ gals of Second Life.
All James needs am about 40 pounds on them bones and he’d be a rite pert lady-killer.
pepper
Jun 8th, 2010
Like you, Pappy, like you.
At0m0 Beerbaum
Jun 8th, 2010
when I did play SL, it was next to impossible to find a proper male avatar and a proper male outfit without getting some scifi or fantasy outfit or a suit, outside of that was clothing that looked like it appealed to gay men or fag hags wanting to dress up “their man” like a fag (spoilers, the women were probably gay men) then there’s the other end of the spectrum, the overly macho type men, bellends with tree trunk arms that wore wifebeaters and “street gear”
That’s why I just stuck to a trench coat and soviet attire while wearing an oversized head.
ra ra rasputin
Jun 8th, 2010
Somebody find my bucket, thats not good to look at, and if its male, female, or furry… use some common sense….
btw: i got the idea for a “comment 6 guuuy” (whats the male version of grrrl??) if you got better looks why not put links inthe comments?
Oh Please
Jun 8th, 2010
Oh Please! I’d like to see what y’all’s avatars look like. These guys are what guys their age IRL look like now, the ones that are style conscious and contemporary. If these looks are appalling and new to you then you need to go out of hicksville or your house more often and easy on the cheetos! All these too-thin comments are coming from y’all’s 200 lbs asses.
Again, let’s see how y’all look like.
Creamy
Jun 8th, 2010
Thank the lordy that not every guy wants their avatar to look like cloned, pin headed body builders in wife beaters and leather pants, SL would be a hell of a boring place and it’s supposed to be fun right?
Imagination and creativity rules! Some of you probably need a bit of that *rolls eyes*
Pappy Enoch
Jun 8th, 2010
@Father Rasputin (how am the Czar and the famberly, by the way?) I don’t want the gals faintin’ at my runaway beauty, but here am a hunk o’ burnin’ luv what put them hipsters way in the shade:
http://www.slprofiles.com/picturedetail.asp?id=322802&t=1
I are shy, so I won’t pose nekkid, no matter how much Timothy pay…say now. How much DO he pay?
Marx Dudek
Jun 8th, 2010
It may not be my kind of thing, but it doesn’t have to be. However, I’d say the people behind these avatars are probably a great deal more interesting and engaging than a good deal of the cookie-cutter males out there.
The person you spend most of your time looking at in SL is yourself. So if you look good to yourself, then that’s kind of the point, isn’t it?
Marianne
Jun 8th, 2010
Yes, I would say that these guys look much better than the generic “tall, dark and handsome” look that the look 9 of 10 male avatars go for. And so many fail! They are usually in tanned skins with wide shoulders and that ugly freebie “biker” hair. (or some other ugly hair) My personal preference is “swimmer body” and always will be. But two thumbs up for all who actually go for an unique look.
Darien Caldwell
Jun 8th, 2010
are you sure those aren’t women dressing up as men?
pepper
Jun 8th, 2010
Oh,Marianne, is there a skin and shape maker who has a swimmer body that works? Love to know who is making more athletic looking, realistic avi bods.
Marianne
Jun 8th, 2010
Hi Pepper, I usually mess with shapes myself. But lately I used one of the shapes I got from Den-Dous Gatcha machine. Japanese creators tend to make better shapes. I was also impressed how much better the Library shapes is now. The latest starter avatars that’s from April have much better shapes than the old ones. I know some thought they were too tall… I don’t know, they have height set to 75 and I am perfectly ok with that. Oracul started to sell shapes too, you can look up them on Xstreetsl. Even their most muscular bodies look better than the average sl male avatar.
Levity Monday
Jun 9th, 2010
Quoting Marx Dudek:
“The person you spend most of your time looking at in SL is yourself.”
Exactly.
That’s why my avatar is female.
Or perhaps I should say she looks female. Can’t say I try very hard to come across as female otherwise.
Alyx Stoklitsky
Jun 9th, 2010
Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
Levity Monday
Jun 9th, 2010
@ Alyx
Kudos for stepping out of that closet.
I prefer not to be staring at a pixel guy all the time.
Melissa Joy
Jun 9th, 2010
I find the throwing of the words gay (in an offensive manner) and faggot in these uneducated rednecks’ comments is appalling.
Darien, believe it or not some guys actually KNOW how to dress and KNOW fashion, and no not all of them are gay.
People who equate being style conscious and well groomed to gay need to seriously grow up and get with the times. The only one who’s looking bad here are the ignorant commenters.
Darkfoxx
Jun 9th, 2010
@ Oh Please
I’m rather tall and pretty skinny myself. Im of the body type that can get a folded lung at random. But I still dont look like I could break in half attempting to pick up a pillow, like these guys… If there is something wrong with them, I’d say its anorexia.
And a failure to create a shape that looks, dare I say it, realistic.
Also, if this is what’s in fashion these days, Im glad I never bothered to keep up with it, lest I’d be forced to look like a hobo too. Im just gonna stick to my camo cargo pants.
Melissa. calling these guys, specially the second pic, well groomed, is stetching the definition very, very far. Someone needs to shave their chest, seriously. It looks ridiculous.
PS people in general in SL are gigants, on the subject of being tall… 2 meters is about the max for your average RL person, compare that size to your SL avatar for fun sometime. I wish LL wouldnt have used the metric system in retrospect, then maybe SL avatars would be normal sized…
Darien Caldwell
Jun 9th, 2010
@ Melissa, Please read again. I didn’t say anything about them being gay. I know quite a few RL women who play men in SL, and their avatars usually look like this, always a hint of girlishness even with the whiskers.
Darkfoxx
Jun 9th, 2010
Darien, I dare to bet that the number of RL women playing (gay) men in SL can easily rival the number of men playing women.
Levity Monday
Jun 9th, 2010
@Melissa
I kinda think that that outcry ‘Gaaaaa…aaay’ was aimed at me for having a female avatar. (And what if I was gay?)
You’re absolutely right, though, to point out that style conscious does not equal gay.
Still, I can see why Pappy felt the need to comment on these pictures. You can take style too far and we don’t need a new breed of anorexic role models.
Pappy Enoch
Jun 10th, 2010
I ain’t got a thing in the world agin’ fellers who loves other fellers. Leaves more gals for Pap.
I do admit a fondness for Jumpman Lane’s butt, that that am a different thing.
Rite now, we should all be full o’ sweetness n’ light, folks! Ol’ King Mark done fired a heap of them Lindens (proberly he needed the money to buy a bigger throne).
Now them flyin’ monkeys who didn’t git the axe will be so busy they’ll never find this po’ boy’s squat. I don’t reckon we’ll be fussin’ over SL fashions in a year…won’t be no fake world from LL to kick around like an ol’ steer’s skull in “Hillbilly Soccer.”
Darien Caldwell
Jun 10th, 2010
I hope you’re wrong Pappy, but it does look a bit grim at the moment.
Laika Saintlouis
Jun 10th, 2010
Hi, you all have opinions on things and stuff, they make you feel good about stuff and things.
Great article, Pappy.
IntLibber Brautigan
Jun 10th, 2010
“The problem with Scotland is it’s full of Scots.” – Edward Longshanks
LL CEO Mark Kingdon’s choice of people to axe (a whole lot of concierge team members, virtually no g-team members, and a whole lot of Lindens you never heard of) is demonstrating that M has figured out that the major problem with Second Life is that it is full of people. Bitchy whiney people, to be exact. Generally bitchy whiney people who don’t spend as much money as it costs to maintain the resources they consume. Too many effing Scots (er, Brazilians).
No, Mark pines for the day when the only people in Second Life are employees of one of the major corporations that pay them insane amounts of money for Class 6 servers in walled gardens. These sort of people don’t require squat for customer support, even tho they each get a personal Linden to see to their every need.
The Lab is more than happy to ethnically cleanse the rest of you off the grid so you can go waste Adam Zaius’ time on osgrid. They are of course more than happy to see you go, abandoning all your intellectual property to them which they can then go and resell to their corporate clients…
K.T.D.
Jun 15th, 2010
The only gay people that would dress that way and be that thin that I can think of are on meth… The one on the left in the top pic looks like the kind of guy I’d talk to if I wanted to score some heroin or coke.
Trying to look like the next Chris Donothan is so 2008.