A Plea for Help, Answered!

by Alphaville Herald on 05/08/10 at 11:01 am

No Good Deed Goeth Unrewarded

by Pappy Enoch, Woebegone Felon 


Herald readers, there am a God. Jezz am me am fitin’ for our lives in court when I gots me this-here letter from a real angel. It come through the Interweb tubes onto the jail cornputin’ machine.

Here it am, edited down a bit because y’all already know how these-here letters work.

Greetings In the name of God Almighty,

I am [never YOU mind]. I am married to late [fo'git about it!] of blessed memory a citizen of Republic of Hungary. Who was a reputable business magnet-(Oil Explorer) in United Kingdom for many years before He died of Heart Attack in the year 2008. We were married for Thirty-Five years with a child and our only son died in a ghastly motor accident last year 2009. I have been battling with both lung cancer and stroke.

My late husband deposited the sum of (£2.800.000.00) Two Million Eight Hundred Thousand British Pounds Sterling with a Bank here in United Kingdom and my name as beneficiary of the funds. After his death I decided not to remarry or get a child outside my matrimonial home.

According to the doctor, my medical report quotes a very short life sperm due to my health status presently. Maybe I may still have another 1-3 months to live, that I do not know but God can say.

Knowing my health condition I decided to donate the above mentioned funds to an individual of good faith. I want an individual that will use this fund for the less privilege ones like; orphanages, widows, also help our old ones who is unable to cater for their needs. The Bible made us to understand that blessed is the hand that giveth.

I took this decision because our only son who suppose to inherit this money and properties is now late and my husband relatives has possesses some of my late husband properties and left me almost nothing.

I want you and your family to always pray for me because the lord is my shepherd.

As soon as I receive your reply, I will give you more details regarding this great mission.

Yours in God,

[No, you ain't gittin' her dang name!]


I are a feller who done got that-there plea fo’ help you done sent. My life sperm am lookin’ bad, too, but I reckons I will live long enuff to help you some.

Now I are a man o’ God, so’s you done touched my poor religious heart sum’fin fierce.

Problem am, I are in jail and waitin’ trial. Like yo’ dear departed pater familias, I were a business magnet too: all kinds of funny business were drawn rite to me. We am a prayin’ for you, an’ I sho hopes you am for us, wretched sinners (not our own fault, ol’ Satan done tempted us) what we am.

But like the preacher done said that time, “prayin’ am good, but money ain’t bad, neither,” so I reckon I could help you some if’n you spreads a little long-green our way.

First, I are an orphan, and my sister Jezz am too. She am a widow (four times). The last one were ghastly, to use yo’ term: they still ain’t found his head.

Anysohow, Jezz gots law-problems worse’n I do. I reckon I kin help her–an’ me too–if’n you sends me some cash up front. Let me explain. Like the feller done said in that-there Good Book, "a fool an’ his money am soon parted." Jezz ain’t no fool (that am my job in our sufferin’ little famberly) so I’ll give her the funds and she’ll dole it out to charity cases as soon as we pays off our legal bills. She writes checks with a good hand, too, after I shows her what to put on ‘em.

If’n you thinks I are scamming you, rest yo’ poor dyin’ head and breathe as easy as you kin in yo’ poor state o’ health. I would nary do such a wicked horrible thing.

As proof, I gots me a good lawyer name o’ Slewfoot “never lost a case” Hadisson who mite be able to help us both. You needs to drop ol’ Slew a line (and some money up front mite help–he am a lawyer) so’s we can commence on makin’ yo’ dreams come true before you kicks that dang bucket in this cruel-awful world and goes to see God like we all knows you am a-fixin’ to do.

Me and Jezz will look out for yo’ money right and won’t waste a red cent. Moresoever, a famberly gots to look out for the next generation we done begat. I are still cryin’ bitter tears about yo’ poor boy all crushed and mangled and burned to a crisp in a ghastly car wreck.

Only one thing cornfuses me still. Is yo’ only son dead or just “late”? Seems you got the boy down both qwik and dead, cause dead fellers cain’t inherit no money even in Enoch Holler. So maybe he are still crawlin’ back from that-there ghastly wreck an’ ain’t got home yet.

Never fear. If’n he lives, I’ll be dang sure he gits what he deserves.

I says this because I gots me a little boy myself (well, he am twins of a sort on account o’ being borned with two heads and three arms), named Ulysses-Diomedes Enoch. Now he needs a good daddy like me so’s he kin git into Harvard and so on.

So I knows how to be a pater familias and won’t do nuffin’ awful with that big stack o’ money you got. Write Slewfoot qwik and he’ll tell you where to leave us the first million pounds sterling (hoo whee that am a pile o’ silver but we gots a lot o’ trucks in the famberly).

Yo’ God-beloved and true friend,

Pappy Enoch

6 Responses to “A Plea for Help, Answered!”

  1. Deadlycodec

    Aug 5th, 2010

    Damn Nigerian 411 scams! Sometimes it’s fun to message them back, and jerk them around a little. Same thing with those money mule scams where they try to offer people work “re-shipping goods”, which were actually ordered by botnet operators in Estonia with stolen credit card information – they’re using people to launder stolen money from massive identity theft rings. I had one time, where I wrote one back and offered to sell them some source code for some malware, and actually got them to talk business with me. It was crazy. There was never any sort of transaction or anything, but it was so weird to read about this stuff in all of these news articles, and to actually encounter it happening out there and to confirm independently, first-hand what they were doing.

  2. The Damned

    Aug 6th, 2010

    Anyone wishing to experience low-cost Paypal or credit card fraud can email or wire me $10.

  3. Jumpman Lane

    Aug 10th, 2010

    FAKE news inna herald say it aint so!

  4. Pappy Enoch

    Aug 11th, 2010

    This-here news am all real, Jumpy: ‘specially the way I wants to git you as “bottom dawg” in my jail cell.

  5. Danziel Lane

    Aug 11th, 2010

    Hmmm… Pappy ….

    Are you sure, it’s a jail you are in?

    Obviously you have an internet connection and allowance to employ bottom dogs, now even wearing a rather extravagant pinstripe suit … to me that looks and sounds more like a hotel suite that a jail cell.

  6. Pappy Enoch

    Aug 11th, 2010

    It are improvin’ somewhat. I cut me some deals after my law-dog Slewfoot brung in a box o’ lottery tickets and Shine for them guards.

    My rotten sister Jezz done got the barrel I were wearin’ and I gots her stripy uniform.

    And she done shot her mouth off too much and got moved to the bathroom, so’s I got the cell to myself. It am all cozy-like. I cain’t even hear the sounds of them beatins Jezz gits, from my new Barky Lounge chair in front o’ the colur TV set.

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