Linden Lab’s Missing Statistics

by Alphaville Herald on 23/09/10 at 11:13 am

Fat Men, Fapping, and Graft Offer Hope For Linden Lab

by Journey Yellowlist

This reporter, after breaking and entering an undercover assignment at Linden Lab, discovered a veritable trove of statistics that the company had chosen to suppress when they recently revealed a complete stagnation steady-state model of player activity in Second Life.

Given that Hamlet Au has been bribed taken a new assignment to cover laggy and empty new and compelling content at Blue Mars, the truth must now be told that Hammie missed: Second Life and Linden Lab actually have a sound financial plan to mop up and run provide value to customers.

As long as the junk food holds out in the basement. Here’s why.


Projected Revenue Streams: 2010-2013

The first set of figures, found during an unguarded moment after a board meeting, while Mitch Kapor was busy in the men’s room, reveal that education and corporate customers are expected to bail out of SL over the course of the next few years. Luckily for the Lab, large male customers, as well as robbery and law suits, will more than compensate for the lost income.

Kapor apparently arrived at these projections based upon a set of numbers that Linden Lab employees cobbled together after work over shots of Sambuca at Vesuvio derived by a number of cutting-edge statistical models.

The model of economic expansion depends upon another sort of growth, of the circumferential sort.


At one-quarter ton, it would be difficult if not impossible to actually leave a basement, so Linden Lab can probably count on continued revenue from its customer base.

Player Profiles

Now that the data establish the demographic most likely to support SL’s survival, the Lab decided to sample how to keep them playing. The supply of bored and lazy and antisocial males who resemble storage containers or water-heaters being limitless in the United States, the only question remained what would most likely retain them in Linden Lab’s fake world rather than another one.


In other words, it’s all about fapping. This meticulous first-hour profile emerged after a few rounds of Martinis at Vesuvio a focus-group studied and discussed player experiences.

A Troubling Factoid and a Plan for Action

As Second Life enters a dramatic period of revenue growth premised upon the above assumptions, a few difficulties presented themselves. This occurred when Philip Rosedale arrived at Vesuvio and the Vodka flowed like a river the focus group began to look at other data from the user database.

There emerged a 75% possibility that every non-Linden player might actually be controlled by a single individual.

sockpuppetThe obvious options derived from this part of the data set were either to shutter the game or to assume that the individual known to Herald readers as “The Crazy Cat Lady” may only have a dozen or so sock-puppets. Given her estimated 23 hours daily writing on various blogs, the Linden Lab team fell off their bar stools laughing decided to move boldly forward.

Recommendations provided by the guy doing card tricks at Vesuvio The Interim CEO:

Provide all newcomers with freenises in their avatar libraries and, ahem “erect” large and titillating signs at every rezz point to answer the eternal question for new SLers, “where is teh sex?”

Change banner ads to themes aimed at potential users based on the revenue-stream projections. Possible themes include “Can’t stand up but like to fap? Try Second Life!” and “Help us sue others! Try Second Life!” and “Pants are for losers! Try Second Life.”

Given that outright robbery of players is likely to provide a additional and substantial source of revenue, increase fees while reducing stability of SL Marketplace transactions and in-world purchases. Allow no refund of fees after failures. Ka-ching!

Add “STD prevention fee” to price of non-freenis genitalia. This will likely raise 10 million dollars annually by 2013.

Hire lawyers to enforce copyright of letters “S” and “L,” persecute makers of third-party viewers, and be seen in public in superhero outfits bearing the Second Life logo.

Replace 300L weekly stipend to premium account holders with direct-mail stipend of Ho-Hos, Mountain Dew, an Cheetos. Even after calculating likely deaths from blocked intestine, diabetes, and auto-erotic heart failure among a 500-pound player base, the return on investment for the new stipend will likely be considerable.


See you at Vesuvio! Gimlets on me.

35 Responses to “Linden Lab’s Missing Statistics”

  1. Samantha

    Sep 23rd, 2010

    That SLfat guy, the one the entire world knows in the pic above is going to sue EVERYONE SOMEDAY and he will win, and then, when he does, he will get a tummy tuck an staple and live like a king off the lawsuit money for the rest of his days. Like maybe a whole 23 days more even.


  2. A Bystander

    Sep 23rd, 2010

    So why would the herald publish this and mar a potentially good name for itself as a reliable source of information?

  3. "The Lab"

    Sep 23rd, 2010

    The Second Life economy is fueled by a clone army of Loki Cliftons.

  4. Coke

    Sep 23rd, 2010

    @ A Bystander

    Because most people are smart enough to see that it was satirical.

  5. Ajax Manatiso

    Sep 23rd, 2010

    The purple line in the first chart seems remarkably similiar to the Herald’s readership trend

  6. II Singh

    Sep 23rd, 2010

    Actually this article was more interesting, even if it was satire than the “Punk Ass Pranksta” p0wns Digital Worlds Sim article which interviewed a sociopath mentally impaired twelve year old.

  7. Ashido

    Sep 23rd, 2010

    I got on today to find out I was banned, and apparently because some fat dude paid Harry Linden to ban me and a couple of other players

    LL, fuck yeah

  8. Darien Caldwell

    Sep 23rd, 2010

    @ A Bystander
    Because “Always Fairly Unbalanced” as a slogan should probably tell you something.

  9. A Bystander

    Sep 23rd, 2010

    I understand this is the equivilant of i’m bored. Lets post something from what i get out of it. Thats SL these days.

  10. Boyd Doghouse

    Sep 23rd, 2010

    When going for satire, always stick to the low-hanging fruit and avoid any semblance of originality.

    Any Joke that could be one sentence or cartoon can be pulled out into five hundred words with multiple cheaply-made graphs to fill space.

    Remember, no one has ever made jokes about fat, basement-dwelling internetizans before, so it’s important your piece is done correctly.

    Sometimes the not ready for prime time players are just not ready for prime time.

  11. c3

    Sep 23rd, 2010

    There hasnt been any satire since the 1980′s. Speaking of fat people unable to stand and virtually linked to fast fun easy all day..Wall-e is considered a romantic comedy by most of the millenials who saw it.:)

  12. Pappy Enoch

    Sep 23rd, 2010

    It’s a dang lie. I been playin’ for three years an’ I only weighs 400 lbs.

  13. A Bystander

    Sep 23rd, 2010

    I lost weight to SL

  14. Jayd3n

    Sep 23rd, 2010

    Well its sad, but I have to agree with this in a lot of ways, right now SL itself is not looking good.

    Companies like AMD within SL, Nvidia, or any PC company there is no need for Second Life, it is a waste of Money, and nothing more than a scam. There is a free program called go to my PC, and go to meeting and such, no need for this crap.

    Advertisements on MMORPG sites for such companies also work 100X better than advertising in SL.

    Fat Men, or Men Playing Female Characters, this is true, and I will agree many people go into SL for pronography I know many perverts who join gor and run around with Freenis and ask for the S word.

    Robbery OF Players.

    Again this is true, many content creators are getting ripped everyday. I monitor content theft almost 24/7, and I can see every creator that is getting ripped off constantly with Copybots, and no hope to stop such.

    Also I can see many scams within SL, and I no longer shop for very expensive stuff anymore, but I go to places like BareRose, cheap animation places which use MOCAP but are not as expensive as companies like VISTA AO, and such. They make good AO, and I like the creator its just the cost is too high for me, Akeo is kinda the same way, but again I like that creator too.

    Lawsuit I totally agree with this one, with people like SKills Hak in charge of SL, JCool, and Phox still in SL, They are going to continue to do evil things to the residents, IP logging with CDS, I have seen tons of evidence of this, and no one cares, LL Does nothing, when they should just remove this idiot from SL Perm, and nuff said, Dont come back. Because seriously Who wants to play a game with privacy violating allowed, I dont think many people would want to be spied on by skills hak who also hacks into peoples private convo with Vivox, and listens to the susposed copybotters talk on voice chat. Who wants to play a game with this person here in charge of everyone, if he wants to ban someone from their regions for any reason they are more welcome to, but not take control of everyone Else, and IP Log/Datamine residents without asking first.

    So in the end I see Second Life comming down just like All Points Bulletin did this year

    The reason for their closing was simple they Installed 3rd party software on peoples computers without consent, without telling people to agree to an EULA/TOS before such, and without users agree to such on purchase, and they failed to Use their Anti Cheat software the first time, made the game lag for days without people playing, screwed up peoples computers with AMD Processors bug couldn’t play the game shortly after launch, broke the in game radio, and then ruined it with Punk Buster again. No one wanted to play after their mistakes and spyware once I posted word on every blog website of this, Plus all the aimbotters they failed to ban.

    The Result, over 1 Million USD +5 Years OF WORK All LOST in Less than 3 Months. Isn’t that just Great guys, same way SL is going. I had great hope for this game at first.

  15. Jayd3n

    Sep 23rd, 2010

    Oh yeah, and Education I forgot this, Unless LL can provide Real Time BlackBoards, Real Time School Work within SL, Real Quiz, and such, there is no education besides teaching to grief,hacking, piracy, and other bad things. SL is a laugh at Education.

  16. Obvious Schism

    Sep 23rd, 2010

    So does this mean that when you play SL, you weigh more?

    Like when you travel very fast, you travel in time?

  17. IntLibber Brautigan

    Sep 23rd, 2010

    Speaking of lawsuits, I talked to the attorneys in the Evans class action against the lab, they are currently preparing for trial, they said. Looks like Mitch needs to account for some losses from lawsuits in his little cash flow projection.

  18. Jayd3n

    Sep 24th, 2010

    Well I hope you win, because I saw what happen, and based on how Linden Lab has made their land sales in game and such you have a valid reason to lawsuit. I myself when I purchased my land back in 2008 was also told that I owned the Land 100%, and like it could not be taken away from me too however I have not been banned by Linden Lab, and should they ever try for any reason, I will end up using my Tier money to take care of them myself, and I will see that their service loose many more members, and signups for their service.

    To me it seems that Linden Lab bans those who have done nothing wrong, and supports the misuse of things like Emerald, and Skills in world/their privacy violations than support getting rid of such things and helping to make the grid a better place. Phox is still in SL Today. While they may have finally done something about Emerald, Im sure they know that Ph0x has alternate accounts on the grid, and that Skills Hak is doing illegal data mine of SL residents, but do nothing, and that only reason is because many people kiss skills ass, for example he is the biggest cyberpunk theme in SL, they dont want to loose people, but they need to do something.

    IF LL can’t protect content creators from Copybot, or privacy violaters like this, then They should put in new security patches to stop scripts from taking control of media without asking just as it does to take money from L$ account, and they should inform new members that their grid is not safe, because failure to do so could lead to lawsuit of LL when they are aware of this, and do nothing, nor did they warn people, but they hide the truths, and they have deleted 3 posts of mine from their Blogs to cover up the truth rather than take care of the security holes

  19. L.Knoller

    Sep 24th, 2010

    Insightful, cogent, analysis, Journey Yellowlist keep up the fine work

  20. Little Lost Linden

    Sep 24th, 2010

    I dunno about those statistics. They don’t really take into account the opening of Planet Michael.

  21. IntLibber Brautigan

    Sep 24th, 2010

    LLL, if you want to advertise your latest project, you should at least throw some L$ Pix’s way along with an ad banner to throw up.

  22. TOS Reminder

    Sep 24th, 2010

    Jayd3n, I won’t bother telling Intlibber this again, but maybe you will, and save yourself some embaressement. Previous versions of the Second Life TOS have always been very clear, that LL can terminate your account for any and every reason they seem fit; they didn’t (and still don’t) have to give you a reason or explanation. They don’t even have to bother making something up if they want to get rid of you. We all know they have done this in the past, numerous times, I’m sure you yourself can name a number of people this has happened to.

    Knowing this of course, logic will tell you that if your account is suspended, that you also lose your L$, your entire inventory, and anything else in possession of your account, including (and this is the important part) any and all land.
    Without (and this was in the TOS too, and still is) a refund of any kind.

    You agreed to all this when you signed up, and so did Intlibber, but it still has to dawn on him, it might when he’s spending even more money on that lawsuit when LL pulls out the old TOS as evidence and he loses. Or it might not dawn on him at all, that any money put into SL is a calculated risk.

    Carefully read the new TOS, only its wording has changed, but its meaning is exactly the same as the older versions. Noone owns anything in SL, save for maybe intellectual property, but with copybot and whatnot, not even that.

    SL is a game of chance, you can lose everything in the blink of an eye.

  23. At0m0 Beerbaum

    Sep 24th, 2010

    This article is very insightful.

  24. Scrunty

    Sep 24th, 2010

    Being cynical about online demographics is so… 2002 and it was uninspired and unimaginative back then… . yawn.

  25. Senban Babii

    Sep 24th, 2010

    @TOS Reminder

    “You agreed to all this when you signed up, and so did Intlibber, but it still has to dawn on him, it might when he’s spending even more money on that lawsuit when LL pulls out the old TOS as evidence and he loses.”

    Not necessarily. Just because something is written in TOS does not mean it is legally valid or binding. IntLibber for example could potentially argue that the TOS is unreasonable or that it infringes certain other reasonable rights and expectations. Of course, I’m no lawyer so take everything I just said with a giant pinch of salt, I’m just thinking out loud.

  26. Pappy Enoch

    Sep 24th, 2010

    @Obvious, you done asked,

    “Like when you travel very fast, you travel in time?”

    Yep. The faster I drive to git away from them Johnny Law boys when I are makin’ a Shine-run, the more time I gits when I travels to the Big House.

    You am a reg’lar Albert Frankenstein fo’ figgerin’ it out.

  27. Samantha

    Sep 24th, 2010

    @Senban, Intlibber has literally been threatening people with frivolous lawsuits for years, and nobody has ever actually been served with any papers on anything. He’s playing eLawyer, and doesn’t actually have the funds to pursue any of these law suits. If he did, he wouldn’t have absconded with Woodbury’s money and left them in the lurch.

    If the Lindens hadn’t ended Woodbury, Intlibber’s theft surely would have.

  28. Senban Babii

    Sep 24th, 2010


    Well I’m not really in a position to comment on such things and wouldn’t want to anyway.

    Either way, I was simply making the point that just because something is written in TOS, it does not necessarily mean that it would stand up in a court of law. Contract law can throw up all sorts of twists and unexpected holes.

  29. Kinoko

    Sep 25th, 2010

    While there maybe an SL TOS, SL was developed way back in early 03/04, and I have seen some accounts from 2002. When members create an account, and purchase any virtual items, goods, or land unless at that exact moment the TOS says that they own everything, and keep certain rights over uploads, and other peoples creators then they can be held responsible for any damages no matter what.

    Again back when I joined SL, there was nothing in the TOS about Copybot, and when Linden Lab sold me my Land, Estate, and I uploaded content, I was made by Linden Lab, and under the TOS, and such that I had full rights over my content, but it appears that as of 09/2010 they have taken many rights away from SL Residents including creators by forcing people who previously agreed to a TOS, to accept a new TOS, or don’t use it.

    Lets say for example, I wanted to Reject their new TOS, and I wanted all data 100% I uploaded, all my creations destroyed from their servers & Removed 100%, because I have those rights, they would of course try to appeal a lawsuit against them under their new TOS today, but back in the day before any new TOS, creators were made to believe that they owned all content uploaded, and made by them even though it was on their servers until they changed their TOS.

    LL has made many mistakes, and they probabily see what they have done, and are trying their best to make sure that their company does not go down, but let me say that it is too late for Second Life, as there are dozens, and hundreds of copybot programs out there, anything can be stolen, no security, no anything, and all LL has done since they updated their new TOS is piss off content creators, and screw Open SL up for many people, adding restrictions to those who used copybot for legal purpose like myself. I dont trust Emerald, SL Inventory, I use what ever program I want to use, but I dont rip creators Legal under their TOS or not they seem to have no way to block out such custom compiled viewers.

    The reason I never trusted Emerald, is because their backup program actually sent anyones creations who were using the backup content function to Phox & JCool at one point. They could easily get peoples scripts, and no one would have ever known and such. This happend at one point I am aware of, it was a malicious code in Emerald, of course they would deny it though, which is why I started using custom compiled viewers legal or not.

    LL has also allowed Skills Hak, Ph0x’s alternate accounts to remain in SL even though they have been deeply involved in Data Mining residents, IP/Geo Locating, they have allowed ZFire Xue to use his RedZone system which discloses Alts, and such, even though I have not been attacked by him and have respects for him some other people do have problems.

    Fact is, no one wants to dump money into SL anymore because of this, there is no such thing as protecting creators, or creators owning their content anymore, once it is uploaded LL owns all your stuff, and that has been made clear in 09/2010 TOS, but unfair to those who were not aware of this, and could not have the option to have all their data removed from SL if they wanted. Also SL is not safe, and since LL does not post on their website that Copybotting, or hackers could steal other peoples intellectual property as a warning people could sue for that, because its their security that fails at such.

    So to you creators out there who are not properly informed about SL, and content theft, I give you this. One out of at least 20 pirate sites I know of sharing ripped content. Pictures are censored, and this is how they get it between grids, and share in SL without detection which is simple. Have Fun.

  30. Samantha

    Sep 26th, 2010

    I think entirely too much is made of this geolocation thing. The most they can do is find out what main router your ISP is using, and they may not even get your state of residency right. Woopie.

    And alts? I’m sure nobody cares if I have them, as long as I’m not using them to cause other people distress, and I certainly don’t care if some detection system finds them out. Why should I? Nobody has my real world identity, and you can’t find it from what little you can glean from Second Life or WoW or anything else I play, because I just don’t put my real world information out there.

    This is all about nothing, really.

  31. Samantha

    Sep 26th, 2010

    It looks to me like the only people who are really screaming about it are suddenly having to worry about being caught evading bans, and those are the people we WANT to have a problem with it. So I think alt detection systems are a GOOD thing.

  32. Nelson Jenkins

    Sep 26th, 2010

    @ Samantha

    I think entirely too much is made of this cell phone records thing. The most they can do is find out who you text, and they may not even figure out who that is. Woopie.

    And pr0stitutes? I’m sure nobody cares if I fuck them, as long as I’m not fucking them to cheat on other people, and I certainly don’t care if some CCTV system records it. Why should I? Nobody could identify me from it, and you can’t find me from what little information you can gain from interrogating the pr0stitutes I fuck, because I don’t give them my personal information.

    This is all about nothing, really.

    It looks to me like the only people who are really screaming about it are suddenly having to worry about being caught with an STD, and those are the people we WANT to not have s3x with pr0stitutes. So I think wh0re detection systems are a GOOD thing.

    Seriously, though, it’s the principle of the thing. Whether or not it’s good-intentioned (which it’s been proven that it’s just Skills’ personal grid-wide ban tool that was exploited by Phox, Fractured, and Amalia for several accounts, no doubt including mine), it violates the Second Life ToS, California state law (which Second Life operates under, as per their own ToS), U.S. federal law, and international treaties. The statutory fine that the U.S. government could impose on zFire, the creature of zF RedZone, is simply astronomical at this point, well into the billions, if not trillions of dollars.

  33. Judge Joker

    Sep 26th, 2010

    I just woke up, is this about data collection again? why do you people not understand that once you can tie an avatar to someone you do not like with an actual IP it can be used for hacking purposes if it’s fresh data.

    SL is the wild west, your only supposed to have the avatar name and a UUID, not the guys home where you can rape and murder his family and harass him all day about it.

    It’s all ready been proven because of #emeraldgate that these individuals are willing and without recriminations to launch DDoS attacks on people who are critical of them.

    So please for the last time stop fucking saying it’s OK and no big shit for someone to have your IP.

    There’s a major difference between visiting a random website “which only Geo locates you as an ANONYMOUS GUEST” and visiting a site or Sim that “Geo locates you as an AVATAR”.

    Think RULE ONE AND RULE TWO, as a website example of somewhere you would not want to be identified, lucky for you an IP ties you to nothing without any context data, so in a log file you just look like all the other chumps random and semi-anonymous going about your business and posting what ever the shit you want.

    But once someone is able to tie you to an avatar name they can scan your computer for any vulnerabilities looking for a point of attack should you speak out against them, or sell that data on to someone who really has it in for you, and let’s be honest if you have used Second Life any length of time YOU GET E-ENEMY’S.

    They can launch a DDoS attack on the PC or shitty MAC you use and commit other crimes like install backdoor’s e.t.c. for easy access later.

    They can use the IP data if fresh to identify any possible alternate avatars, which could ruin your online reputation if you have been engaged in any activity that is detrimental to your career.

    And lets be honest, based on the people WE have seen defend Emerald and there original developers on this site, we can say most seem interested in just getting off even at another’s expense and really don’t care what people know about them.

    But the reality is most people do care and have actual JOB’s but this is why people think Facebook is an issue because loud mouths flaunt themselves in ways that is detrimental to their job or career which is probably crappy anyway, and worry the rest of society or researchers looking for a bit of shock factor just like every shitty journalist looking for a new scoop.

    The rest of us try to maintain a relatively good online identity, though in my case I’m only fucked when the fat lady sings and I change my RL name to Bunjie.

    But the difference is a major one, your granted a medium of anonymity in a web log dump, the only identifying thing being your IP unless you have a forum or website account, but you signed up to that service if that’s the case, and in such cases you likely could have used a random online handle that does not identify you specifically as anything to do with inSL avatar X who they dislike.

    The point is a simple one, it’s not OK to data mine and the SL TOS is against that, that’s why Kalel knows what he did was wrong and disappeared in the hopes it would go away.

    Or are we talking about something else?

  34. Judge Joker

    Sep 26th, 2010

    /me Yawns

    Who want’s to be Charlie? “Good Morning Furries”

    Good morning, Charlie!

  35. Kinoko

    Sep 26th, 2010

    I know enough about hacking, and virus not to get one. I know how copybots work, and I understand that anyone can Log IP and such. I just use it because Skills Hak is doing illegal things, and because he is abusing the system. If he did not abuse, provided customer support, and such I really wouldn’t care, as long as he were using it for good things to actually help the community, but he isn’t.

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