S4nta Claus — Post 6 Jolly Old Elf

by Alphaville Herald on 24/12/10 at 9:55 pm

[Though I had heard that Pappy Enoch was interested in posing for Post 6, the application of another magical and mythical fat male avatar caught my interest for this, the week before Christmas. It is an honor to present as this week’s Post 6 that jolly old elf himself, S4nta Claus. ~Timothy Morpork]

s4ntaclaus final1

Ho ho friggin ho.

Honest to god. You people amuse me and make me sick all at the same time. My naughty list would explode except for the fucking lawyers who make me revisit the standards of what exactly construes naughty behavior every few years.

Let me just explain it this way; Y’all ever seen a dog fucking another dog in public? Ever had a dog hump your leg? It’s pretty embarrassing eh? Believe me when I say that there’s never been a dog on my naughty list. Plenty of bankers, zillions of lawyers, never a dog. Do your own math.

Here’s the best part- I’m totally a piece of fiction.

s4ntaclaus final2

Most religions celebrate something in winter, be it Saturnalia, Hanukah, Festivus, Christmas, Ear Wax Contemplation Week, or whatever. I got co-opted by Christianity and assigned the Catholic id of St. Nicholas, but really, I don’t give a shit what religion sings my praises as long as humans are happy, and as long as they aren’t hurt in the process. Obviously, humans circa 1000-2010 are too stupid to get that. Y’all turned me from a benevolent force into a gift fairy.

Clearly, I know I would cease to be relevant without the belief of the faithful. I would disappear like St. Bob the Bashful and Sister Eugenia of the Smelly Crotch. However, I find that increasingly the attention paid to my personage for the purpose of marketing and sales so outweighs the spiritual appearance of my existence that I am thinking about becoming a pedophile or some other despicable thing in order to stem the tide of people seeking to use my name without actually serving God. Seriously, I’m one Tea Party candidate away from a major meltdown of hypocrisy

s4ntaclaus final3

So let me stop there. I know I’ve hit the Jagermeister and vodka a little hard. But really, I bring truth. Step off, you want presents? Suck this man. Seriously, what have you done for your fellow man? Are you teaching? Are you creating? Or are you just consuming?


Merry Christmas and fuck you


25 Responses to “S4nta Claus — Post 6 Jolly Old Elf”

  1. Senban Babii

    Dec 24th, 2010

    Is it wrong that I’m faintly aroused by this? O.o

  2. Sententia

    Dec 25th, 2010

    S4nta, you rock!, love the bio, and the pics, great post:)

  3. Pappy Enoch

    Dec 25th, 2010

    Tim, ol’ S4nta Claus looks like he are ready fo’ some heavy luvin’ under that-there missile-toe.

    An’ to think you rascals believes we plus-size fellers don’t git us none.

    Hoo whee let’s git out the Yule Log, gals, an’ see who am nice an’ naughty!

  4. Nelson Jenkins

    Dec 25th, 2010

    The write-up was entertaining, but now I need to go get some more eye bleach.

  5. General Drama

    Dec 25th, 2010

    So, Santa, does all this talk about dogs fucking mean you are a furry lover?

  6. edna

    Dec 25th, 2010

    Merry Christmas everyone!

  7. Oh noes

    Dec 25th, 2010


    I thought I was the only person who picked up on it.

  8. what a croc of sh*t

    Dec 26th, 2010

    Spiritual appearence? Santa, have you already forgotten that you’re nothing more then a fucking coca cola commercial and that you have as much to do with any religion as candy canes have to do with the sahara desert?

  9. Skye D.

    Dec 26th, 2010


    Ditto. :)

  10. General Drama

    Dec 26th, 2010

    As Dana Carvey’s Church Lady pointed out a long time ago: Santa is just a misspelling of Satan… What better way to destroy the Christmas spirit of family disputes aired at high volume, recriminations for wrongs done, passive aggressive rivalries, and other outward expressions of cabin fever than to commercialize the shit out of the holiday and give people something positive to look forward to, like presents!?!?

  11. Yep

    Dec 27th, 2010

    Go getem Tiger ;)

  12. edna

    Dec 27th, 2010

    Jeesh! Nothing but a bunch of God-damned Scrooges around here. You know who else didn’t believe in Santa Clause?

  13. had enough

    Dec 27th, 2010

    “You know who else didn’t believe in Santa Clause?”


  14. Nelson Jenkins

    Dec 27th, 2010

    @ had enough

    Never believed in him in the first place. Then again, I didn’t believe in God either.

  15. Danziel

    Dec 27th, 2010

    So, Timothy, you want to tell us this is not Pappy?

    Remember, we all had more than one chance to peek into the barrel he used to cover himself with. And, when we did, and were strong enough not to be shocked about what we saw … well some of the ascpects of the concavity of the ass cheeks of the fat old man you took pictures off clearly make evident: this is Pappy in disguise.

  16. Yep

    Dec 27th, 2010

    Ya go getem Tiger :)

  17. Yep

    Dec 27th, 2010

    LOL! that would be an awsome post 6, Pappy.

  18. Senban Babii

    Dec 27th, 2010

    “well some of the ascpects of the concavity of the ass cheeks of the fat old man you took pictures off clearly make evident: this is Pappy in disguise.”

    Sssshhhhh! You’ll spoil the illusion for the kiddies :p

    Plus it’s quite disturbing that you have previously paid so much attention to Pappy’s ass that you could pick it out of a line-up. I’m just sayin’ :D

  19. Danziel

    Dec 27th, 2010

    Senban, be assured that made me thinking too.

  20. Miss J

    Dec 27th, 2010

    Show some Linden Love to Pappy Timothy. He’s waiting

  21. Little Lost Linden

    Dec 27th, 2010

    Holy Moly!

    That wasn’t what I wanted for X-mas!

  22. Oh noes

    Dec 27th, 2010

    Thank you for ruining my childhood memories.

  23. Pappy Enoch

    Dec 27th, 2010

    I plans to be Cupid for St. Valentine’s Day.

    Then Danziel can check out my hind-parts. Just keep Humpman Lane away from me, less’n I gits to be top dawg.

  24. General Drama

    Dec 31st, 2010

    This is a thread that has finally descended SL to reality: fat guys talking about each others asses.

  25. Danziel

    Feb 9th, 2011

    Pappy talked about his plans: “I plans to be Cupid for St. Valentine’s Day.”

    5 days till your great show, Pappy.
    It will be a fantastic performance.

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