S4nta Claus — Post 6 Jolly Old Elf
by Alphaville Herald on 24/12/10 at 9:55 pm
[Though I had heard that Pappy Enoch was interested in posing for Post 6, the application of another magical and mythical fat male avatar caught my interest for this, the week before Christmas. It is an honor to present as this week’s Post 6 that jolly old elf himself, S4nta Claus. ~Timothy Morpork]
Ho ho friggin ho.
Honest to god. You people amuse me and make me sick all at the same time. My naughty list would explode except for the fucking lawyers who make me revisit the standards of what exactly construes naughty behavior every few years.
Let me just explain it this way; Y’all ever seen a dog fucking another dog in public? Ever had a dog hump your leg? It’s pretty embarrassing eh? Believe me when I say that there’s never been a dog on my naughty list. Plenty of bankers, zillions of lawyers, never a dog. Do your own math.
Here’s the best part- I’m totally a piece of fiction.
Most religions celebrate something in winter, be it Saturnalia, Hanukah, Festivus, Christmas, Ear Wax Contemplation Week, or whatever. I got co-opted by Christianity and assigned the Catholic id of St. Nicholas, but really, I don’t give a shit what religion sings my praises as long as humans are happy, and as long as they aren’t hurt in the process. Obviously, humans circa 1000-2010 are too stupid to get that. Y’all turned me from a benevolent force into a gift fairy.
Clearly, I know I would cease to be relevant without the belief of the faithful. I would disappear like St. Bob the Bashful and Sister Eugenia of the Smelly Crotch. However, I find that increasingly the attention paid to my personage for the purpose of marketing and sales so outweighs the spiritual appearance of my existence that I am thinking about becoming a pedophile or some other despicable thing in order to stem the tide of people seeking to use my name without actually serving God. Seriously, I’m one Tea Party candidate away from a major meltdown of hypocrisy
So let me stop there. I know I’ve hit the Jagermeister and vodka a little hard. But really, I bring truth. Step off, you want presents? Suck this man. Seriously, what have you done for your fellow man? Are you teaching? Are you creating? Or are you just consuming?
THINK ABOUT IT.
Merry Christmas and fuck you
Santa.
Senban Babii
Dec 24th, 2010
Is it wrong that I’m faintly aroused by this? O.o
Sententia
Dec 25th, 2010
S4nta, you rock!, love the bio, and the pics, great post:)
Pappy Enoch
Dec 25th, 2010
Tim, ol’ S4nta Claus looks like he are ready fo’ some heavy luvin’ under that-there missile-toe.
An’ to think you rascals believes we plus-size fellers don’t git us none.
Hoo whee let’s git out the Yule Log, gals, an’ see who am nice an’ naughty!
Nelson Jenkins
Dec 25th, 2010
The write-up was entertaining, but now I need to go get some more eye bleach.
General Drama
Dec 25th, 2010
So, Santa, does all this talk about dogs fucking mean you are a furry lover?
edna
Dec 25th, 2010
Merry Christmas everyone!
Oh noes
Dec 25th, 2010
@General
I thought I was the only person who picked up on it.
what a croc of sh*t
Dec 26th, 2010
Spiritual appearence? Santa, have you already forgotten that you’re nothing more then a fucking coca cola commercial and that you have as much to do with any religion as candy canes have to do with the sahara desert?
Skye D.
Dec 26th, 2010
@Nelson:
Ditto.
General Drama
Dec 26th, 2010
As Dana Carvey’s Church Lady pointed out a long time ago: Santa is just a misspelling of Satan… What better way to destroy the Christmas spirit of family disputes aired at high volume, recriminations for wrongs done, passive aggressive rivalries, and other outward expressions of cabin fever than to commercialize the shit out of the holiday and give people something positive to look forward to, like presents!?!?
Yep
Dec 27th, 2010
Go getem Tiger
edna
Dec 27th, 2010
Jeesh! Nothing but a bunch of God-damned Scrooges around here. You know who else didn’t believe in Santa Clause?
had enough
Dec 27th, 2010
“You know who else didn’t believe in Santa Clause?”
Nelson?
.
Nelson Jenkins
Dec 27th, 2010
@ had enough
Never believed in him in the first place. Then again, I didn’t believe in God either.
Danziel
Dec 27th, 2010
So, Timothy, you want to tell us this is not Pappy?
Remember, we all had more than one chance to peek into the barrel he used to cover himself with. And, when we did, and were strong enough not to be shocked about what we saw … well some of the ascpects of the concavity of the ass cheeks of the fat old man you took pictures off clearly make evident: this is Pappy in disguise.
Yep
Dec 27th, 2010
Ya go getem Tiger
Yep
Dec 27th, 2010
LOL! that would be an awsome post 6, Pappy.
Senban Babii
Dec 27th, 2010
@Danziel
“well some of the ascpects of the concavity of the ass cheeks of the fat old man you took pictures off clearly make evident: this is Pappy in disguise.”
Sssshhhhh! You’ll spoil the illusion for the kiddies :p
Plus it’s quite disturbing that you have previously paid so much attention to Pappy’s ass that you could pick it out of a line-up. I’m just sayin’
Danziel
Dec 27th, 2010
Senban, be assured that made me thinking too.
Miss J
Dec 27th, 2010
Show some Linden Love to Pappy Timothy. He’s waiting
Little Lost Linden
Dec 27th, 2010
Holy Moly!
That wasn’t what I wanted for X-mas!
Oh noes
Dec 27th, 2010
Thank you for ruining my childhood memories.
Pappy Enoch
Dec 27th, 2010
I plans to be Cupid for St. Valentine’s Day.
Then Danziel can check out my hind-parts. Just keep Humpman Lane away from me, less’n I gits to be top dawg.
General Drama
Dec 31st, 2010
This is a thread that has finally descended SL to reality: fat guys talking about each others asses.
Danziel
Feb 9th, 2011
Pappy talked about his plans: “I plans to be Cupid for St. Valentine’s Day.”
5 days till your great show, Pappy.
It will be a fantastic performance.