The Alphaville Herald

Jimbo Quality and the RedZone of Danger

by Alphaville Herald on 27/02/11 at 9:01 pm

by Jimbo Quality

Jimbo Quality and the RedZone Danger Zone

I was the only one in the Herald’s Jessie Bunker Bureau when a call came in on the hot story tip line. The conversation went something like this.

Caller: Look, you guys really should do a story on this Red Zone thing.
Jimbo Quality: Call back later, I’m busy.

Caller: It’s an important story, are you listening to me?
Jimbo Quality: I don’t think you heard me, call back later. I’ve got a huge boil on my ass. It looks like Charlie Sheen and I think it was just ranting on The Alex Jones Show.

I called Miss Pixeleen, because she knows everything.

Pixeleen Mistral: Not now Jimbo, I’m doing payroll and you know that makes me cranky.
Jimbo Quality: Someone just called the bunker and says we should do a story on the Danger Zone or something like that but I’ve got this enormous pimple on my ass that’s making me a little crazy.

Pixeleen Mistral: There – I paid you for your stories – now you can afford virtual health insurance. Don’t tell them the pimple is a pre-existing condition and you will be fine.
Pixeleen Mistral: Well – maybe not fine exactly, but you know – they will probably let you in the clinic.

I had already forgotten all about the Danger Zone story because quite frankly, the aforementioned boil had passed standard pimple proportions quite some time before. I was getting the sense that Miss Pixeleen wasn’t understanding the scope and magnitude of this pimple or boil or demon from hell or whatever it was that had attached itself to my glorious glutes, I myself kept underestimating it right up until it chewed a hole through my pants.

Jimbo Quality and the Charlie Sheen Boil

Jimbo Quality: I tried some salve but that just made it angry. It bites
Jimbo Quality: I mean that really. It tried to bite me
Jimbo Quality: It looks like Charlie Sheen and keeps demanding drugs and porn stars 

Miss Pixeleen suggested that I should contact Mr. Prokofy Neva, who had been a writer when I started at the Herald, but Mr. Prok always scared me a little because he could talk for a very very long time without stopping, which made me think that he might be some alien being who breathes in oxygen and exhales words, and who the hell knows what else an alien like that does, so I always made myself scarce when Mr Prok was around. Anyhow, Miss Pixeleen was sure that he could help so I manned up and called him and explained my problem. 

Jimbo Quality: Mr. Neva sir, my name is Jimbo and you might remember me from the Herald. I have an enormous boil and Miss Pixeleen thought you might be able to help me.
Jimbo Quality: It’s quite out of control, it looks a lot like Charlie Sheen and swears like a pirate.
Jimbo Quality: Well, ok. If you think of something, please let me know, I haven’t been able to sit in two days.

It was causing all sorts of embarrassment and running me quite ragged, so I decided to try a clinic like Miss Pix suggested. I mounted Search, my trusty steed, and he brought me to the top clinic in Second Life according to search rank- Virgin’s Clinic, Hospital and Spa. I was pretty sure they would not be able to help me, but my boil seemed pretty excited at the prospect of a clinic for virgins.

Jimbo Quality and the Virgins Assistant

Virgin s’ Assistant Girl: Recording… Please type your message in chat.
Jimbo Quality: i have a boil that needs attention

Virgin s’ Assistant Girl: Message recorded: i have a boil that needs attention
Thank you!
My Boil: I don’t need any attention from you though honey, you are ugggggg-ly!

I was still reeling from the fact that my boil had learned to talk when a nurse appeared out of nowhere.

Jimbo Quality and Nurse Goldlust

Lyla Goldlust: Can I help you?
Jimbo Quality: I have a giant boil that looks like Charlie Sheen on my bottom
My Boil: Now THAT’s more like it! Come around here and let me get a look at you, Sugartits. You got any of that good hospital blow around here?

Lyla Goldlust: Ah I see
Lyla Goldlust: Please come tomorrow
Lyla Goldlust: Our surgeon is off duty now
Jimbo Quality: Ok!

Lyla Goldlust: Try to soak your bottom in a hot bath
Jimbo Quality: A hot bath huh.
Jimbo Quality: I tried to drown him earlier but he’s learned to bite

Lyla Goldlust: Hmmmmm, try the jelly fish to electrocute it
Lyla Goldlust: See the jellyfish?
My Boil: Electrocute? What’s that?

I did indeed see the jellyfish and I dove into the water and swam to it, eager to be rid of this thing once and for all. Readers, don’t EVER swim at a jellyfish, even if you’ve been cursed with a talking boil. And it turns out they don’t actually electrocute you, they just sting you with a poison that makes you wish you’d been electrocuted. To make it worse, the boil made out just fine.

Jimbo Quality non Electrical Convulsions

Some time later as I dragged my body up out of the water, it occurred to me that Nurse Lyla had thought I was the one that called her ‘Sugartits’ and that’s why she sent me at the jellyfish. I would get rid of this boil as soon as I could.

Lyla Goldlust: Are you OK?
Jimbo Quality: most definitely not
My Boil: Never better, how about some whoopee?

Lyla Goldlust: Well, come tomorrow to see the surgeon
Jimbo Quality: Ok
Jimbo Quality: thank you for the help
Lyla Goldlust: My pleasure

Back at Jessie, I cooked up a special batch of my favorite chili, I figured if I was going to suffer with this damned boil I might as well be well fed. Shaky from a lack of sleep and vicious jellyfish attack, I spilled the beans into the pot, using waaaayyyyyy too many. I even spilled the beans onto the floor. I started to pick them up when one of them moved.

Jimbo Quality Spills the Beans

As I watched, the moving bean suddenly popped out little black things and started growing at an alarming rate and pretty soon was standing at my feet blinking up at me.

Jimbo Quality: What the hell are you?
Bean: I don’t know, what are you?
My Boil: He’s a boil transport system.

Jimbo Quality slaps boil.
Jimbo Quality: I’ll have to get back to you on that, but a second ago you were a kidney bean.
Bean: Ok, I’m a kidney bean.

Jimbo Quality: Fair enough. Welcome to Second Life.

Jimbo and the Bean

So I hung out with the Bean a while and ignored my boil while the chili cooked. The Bean was excellent company and with his help I was able to deduce that the land at Jessie, Second Life’s original combat sim, was so radioactive from all the years of bombs and chemicals that it was causing weird things to happen like my boil and well, like The Bean.

In addition to making a new friend, I had found that my perfect reporter’s sense had come to the rescue again- Jessie must have been the Danger Zone that that caller had been talking about. I’d been doing a story about it the whole time.

Finally the chili was done and it was delicious. I ate several bowls and as I was eating, it occurred to me that The Bean would need a name.

Bean: What’s wrong with Bean?
Jimbo Quality: There’s a brilliant British man by that name. I’ve seen documentaries about him.

Bean: Oh, well then, how about we add something to it? Porkin Bean? Bean There? Has Bean? Laser Bean? Bean N’Gone?

Jimbo Quality: You may frighten me more than the boil.
My Boil: You think that nurse is off duty yet? Hey, when we gonna meet the Post 6 chicks? What’s that awful smell? You guys smell that?
Bean: How about a superhero name? I was born in the Danger Zone, how about Danger Bean?

And a legend was born.

A couple of hours later, once we had figured out Danger Bean’s costume, I decided to go topside, up out of the bunker, for a little fresh air. There is almost always a battle of some sort going in Jessie, so it was my hope that a sniper might spot my boil and take pity on me. 

Danger Bean

The sunshine felt good, and The Boil was behaving himself, and Danger Bean went exploring, and I fell asleep. I awoke a few times because The Boil was coughing and gagging and trying to bite me, but a couple of slaps and he calmed down and I was able to get back to sleep. I dreamed I was trapped in a small room with an annoying man who kept poking me and saying “What is that awful smell? Oh my God, stop that! For the love of God what did you eat? Ohhhhh that’s rank, ohhhhh God that’s evil” and things like that. I tell you, that sleep did me a world of good, even with the weird dream.

And, on top of it all, when I woke, Danger Bean had a found me a bitchin’ superhero costume and, best of all, my boil was gone! I don’t know how or why, but it appears he somehow detached himself and scurried away. It left a little mark on my buttock, but I have some salve that I think will heal it up as good as new. If you see The Boil, give him a kick for old Jimbo.

Jimbo launches poison gas

Tune in next week when Danger Bean and Jimbo go adventuring!