Monkey Business and a Hot Date

by Alphaville Herald on 23/03/11 at 2:13 am

Breedable-Monkey Army in the Works

by Pappy Enoch, Hillbilly Go-rilla

Ol' Hamlet Au, over there at New Fake World Notes, am all a-flutter about sum'fin called Zooby Breedable Monkeys.


From the photygraph I done run, you can see, plain as the nose on the side o' my head, that them monkeys am born as naughty as ol' Hammie hisself. Look where that monkey-paw am: Nigh unto a rite promisin' cha-cha bingo.

Y'all ever noticed how Hammie lights up when some pretty gal am in his fake newspaper? Well, that am all fine an' good because I loves me pretty gals, too. But monkeys am sum'fin else. They skeers me bad. This fake animal thing done gone far enuff. What am worse'n a damn monkey am a “breedable” one. Them monkeys in the zoo don't do nothing but breed, eat food, and throw poop. Kinda like me, 'cept I also drinks and shoots stuff. Maybe it are why I fears and hates them ape-rascals so bad.

So this-here monkey business ain't nothing new, 'cept it gets ol' Au a date, I reckons, with wimmin like that Juicy Bomb gal. That am the rite name for her, hoo whee, in her skimpy lil' ol' bathin' costume. I don't know if'n she comes with that monkey if'n I buys me one, but in my book all that gal needs to do is come with me, if'n you gits my drift and I reckon you does. I kin court an' spark better'n Au, for dang sure, and if not, I'll hold that monkey ransom till the gal gives me some sugar.

Now where were I? So my point am: why in the hell do Second Life need more breedin' than it got? We gots chikkins, rabbits, even horsies that the dang bunnies took to court. On the human-person side, we got ol' Protology Never breedin' words like they was killer rabbits, me breedin' dumb-ass idears, and folks in Zindra humpin' like it were the Pockylips from the Book o' Revolutions in the Bible, and they needed to beget some prim babies fast.

But bein' the filosphur I is, I kin see me a use for them damn monkeys. I needs to face my fears like the real fake man that I are. Now real-life monkeys likes to play all kinds o' tricks, so I reckon I kin train me some up to do tricks in a fake world, too. I plans to get me one o' them Oregon-Grinder machines and a monkey too.


First thing you knows, I'll git me a monkey-army like ol' Charleston Heston got beat up by in them The Planet of Them Apes movie-pictures. My monkeys will commence to rippin' bras off o' fake gals, coppin' them a good feel, tossin' poop at the blingtards at them Welkum Areas and God knows doin' what with them tails. If'n they kin swing from trees they kin swing other ways too. I plans to charge admission to the monkey-shines and git rich quick before Second Life goes town the toilet.

Well, it already am in the toilet, but I plans to be like a monkey an' toss me some poop with the best of 'em. To begin my plan, got me over to the Zooby Store to see them monkeys.

The first thing I saw won't no monkey but a pretty gal wearin' a belt for a skirt, as usual:

Pappy Enoch: howdy ma'am

Silkita Silverfall: hello Pappy

Pappy: these new monkeys am a rite nice toy, ain't they?


Silkita: yes they are

Pappy: you aims to buy you one?

Silkita: not sure what I want to get just looking at them all

Pappy: I are a famous reporter for the Alphaville Herald and am covering the monkey business. How did you find out about these little rascals?

Silkita Silverfall: well I own a chimp that I bought here so came back to find me another pet

Pappy: yes'm. That chimp needs him a friend, I reckon

Silkita: he is cute

Pappy: well, you kin see I needs sum new attraction to git me luck with the gals. I figured I might try a pet monkey

Silkita: that would be nice

No dice with her after that-there heavy hint, but I figured ol' slow-boat Enoch mite try his luck again once I tells her that her name were in the fake paper and maybe she'd like to git nekkid for Post 6 later on. Ol' Tim an' me kin run us a good racket for gittin' fake gals to show us them naughty bits.

Well, I were out o' money an gittin' desperate. Then I had me a plan. Time to git over bein' so skeered o' apes an' give in to my inner monkey.


To be corn-tinued.

17 Responses to “Monkey Business and a Hot Date”

  1. IntLibber

    Mar 23rd, 2011

    OH Noes… I sense some monkey shines are afoot.

  2. hobo kelly

    Mar 23rd, 2011

    Wellsum, by lookin’ at them thar monkey pics above, I reckon them thar monkeys could sure squat around the squat, I reckon. Squat around the squat… I made a funny… get it? hahaa squat around the squat. Them thar monkeys look like they could do a powerful squat iffn they wanted to cuz they be squattin in them pics.

    First it was them thar damned sion chickens, then dragons, then faries, then brightpet kitties, NO MONKEYS please. NO MOE Breeding Things. Breeding monkeys yet, sheesh,. Imagine setting a whole peck of them thar monkey things loose on yer best Land Baron friends lot. I bet nobody neva seen nothin’ like that before. Not even the Great Soviet Army with their submarines of glory.

    I wonder iffen them monkeys get all mad an start spittin’ if ya give em a real good whack…

  3. Wally's Warning...

    Mar 23rd, 2011

  4. April Cordeaux

    Mar 23rd, 2011

    Oh, no, it’s the Planet of the Apes thing all over again. First you have avatars keeping monkeys as servant and pets. Next thing you know you have nuclear fallout from Redzone and all the monkeys take over SL.

  5. Pappy Enoch

    Mar 23rd, 2011

    Everything am about Planet o’ Them Apes, April. This am the sum o’ all my fears.

    If’n you kin git me a URL-thing fo’ a POTA Go-rilla costume (I are too dang lazy to check SL Marketplace) I plans to run amok (or amonk, in my case) in the ape suit. I mite even git my hairy ass over to Lustwood an’ show them furries what a real natural-born fake fuzzy-wuzz kin do.

    We needs to git to the bottom o’ this-here monkey bizness befo’ it am too late. I plans to do my part. I just needs me a better ape suit to go undercovur as a go-rilla.

  6. April Cordeaux

    Mar 23rd, 2011


    Here are two urls one for a gorilla and the chimapanzee avatars. No POTA avis that I could find. I expect you to post pictures if you wear one.

  7. Pappy Enoch

    Mar 23rd, 2011

    “The monkey no stop my show!” Thankees To Wally’s Warning fo’ that-there bit o’ wisdom.

    April, them avatar-monkees am but the NEXT STEP. Next thing them fake apes will find a Lawgiver an’ roll out them Sacred Scrolls. I found this writ on a rock:

    “Beware the beast Man, for he is the Devil’s pawn. Alone among God’s primates, he kills for sport or lust or greed. Yea, he will murder his brother to possess his brother’s land. Let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours. Shun him; drive him back into his jungle lair, for he is the harbinger of death. “

  8. Oh noes

    Mar 24th, 2011

    Someone called me?

  9. Emperor Norton hears a who?

    Mar 24th, 2011

    Near naked woman and a “breedable pet”. Sums up Second Life.

    Pretty funny Hamlut “Facebook” Au is pushing this. Sort of like a producer of an exploitation film trying to dress the movie up as a morality lecture.

  10. Senban Babii

    Mar 24th, 2011

    If only we’d listened to Kim Jong-Il, this would never have come to pass.

    Seriously though how are these things breedable? Do they make sweet monkey love at each other? Will this in fact lead to a parallel market in virtual monkey pr0n machinima?

    This is the internet. You can’t prove it won’t happen.

  11. Pappy Enoch

    Mar 25th, 2011

    Y’all ever thinked hard on who done begat the breedable animal-critters?

    A feller called Zaius.

    That am rite. Same one as the Defender o’ the Monkey Faith. It am a corn-spiracy, ya’ll. I aims to git to the bottom o’ it before it am too late.

  12. Senban Babii

    Mar 25th, 2011

    Well cornsider this Pappy.

    A script is born that spies and datamines. It is hidden inside something cute. You take it home and breed it and now there’s two of these datamining devices. Then they breed. And then they breed.

    And suddenly the whole grid has little cute monkeys that are listening and recording.

    Farfetched? How about a viewer that was so useful that everyone thought it was wonderful. Billions of people used it. And then it turned out that wrapped in that wonderful package was something that was not our friend.

    Take another look at your monkeys. How sure are you that they’re as innocent as they appear?

    This is the internet. You can’t prove it won’t happen.

  13. Pappy Enoch

    Mar 25th, 2011

    I are on the story. Here am sum food fo’ thinkin’ about how them monkeys think:

  14. Canoro

    Mar 30th, 2011

    having lots of monkeys all over Second Life would be a concern, if only they breed, but it says in their website ( ) that “These Monkeys do not breed.”
    so no problem about monkeys all around.

  15. Pappy Enoch

    Mar 30th, 2011

    Them monkeys ain’t a-gonna learn to talk an’ carry rifles, neither.

    Trust no monkey.

  16. April Cordeaux

    Mar 30th, 2011

    Watch out, they may find a way to breed like those dinosaurs in Jurasic park

  17. Lena

    Apr 14th, 2011

    I like Monkeys ;)

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