The Hand What Taketh
by Alphaville Herald on 06/03/11 at 6:03 pm
by Pappy Enoch, Philanthropist
My enormus fan klub at the Herald will know that I gits me a heap o’ mail thru them-there Internet-tubes.
I done writ about this befo’ but I reckon it are too good to omit when it happens again. In fact, I done got this-hear same letter a year ago from a different dyin’ gal.
I gits me one o’ these-here “please-help-me-cause-I-are-falling-to-pieces-from-cancer-and-my-husband/son/dawg/boyfriend/chikkin-left-me-a-bazillion-bucks-in-Kenya-but-I cain’t-git-it-so-give-me-your-bank-account-please” letters.
Whew. I been a-tryin’ to help these po’ sufferin’ folks for years but they ain’t bit, yet.
Here am the latest attempt to help.
Dear Miz David,
You done writ to me about the horrible-terrible situation what done befell yo’ famberly.
Now I are just a poor, lonesum, woebegone feller who done landed in The Big House (what am called "prison" in the United States) but I done beat that-there rap and am a free man.
I gots me a bank account so’s I reckon I kin help you out sum.
You done said:
our only son died in a ghastly motor accident last year 2010.
I have been battling with both lung cancer and stroke.
Oh my gawd that am awful-terrible. I done lost folks thataway, as well as in explodin’ stills, manglin’ by junkyard dawgs, shootin’ dead by my sister Jezz, alien protology experiments, and Bigfoot-rape.
My late husband deposited the sum of (2.800.000.00 Dollas) Two Million Eight Hundred Thousand Dollas with a Bank here in Cote d’Ivoire and my name as beneficiary of the funds.
Do tell.
After his death I decided not to remarry or get a child outside my matrimonial home.
That am rite smart. I don’t believe in marryin’ at all, if’n I kin help it, or gettin’ no chirren inside o’ no home. The woods am better or behind the smoke-house for knockin’ up sum gal.
According to the doctor, my medical report shows a have very short life sperm due to my health status presently.
Ain’t you a gal? Why in Gawd’s name am you a-talkin’ about sperm? Maybe the cancer done mutated you into sum’fin shemale, but that am beside the point. We needs to talk about that-there 2.8 million.
Maybe I may still have another 1-3 months to live, that I do not know but God can say. That is just my faith as a deteriorating cancer patient.
That are a-startin’ to sound like a country song and I are all ears.
Knowing my health condition I decided to donate the above mentioned funds to an individual Muslim/Christian or any faith
Hoo whee. I are part o’ the First Church o’ the Bleedin’ Heart of Snake-Handlin’ Jesus H. Christ on a Crutch, so I reckons that will do. If’n you wants me to turn Muslim, howsoever, I will do it. Where do I sign up?
The Bible/Qur’an made us to understand that blessed is the hand that giveth.
That am rite original. My Pappy, Pappy-Pappy Enoch, done telled me "boy, that-there hand what taketh are mo’ blessed still." I done lived by that-there wisdom ever since.
I took this decision because our only son who is suppose to inherit this money and properties is also late
Well, he’ll show up then and don’t worry yo’ poor cancer-eaten heart none. Heck, I are always late.
Ma’am, I plans to watch over that there 2.8 million tighter’n a tick on a cow’s belly till that son o’ yours gits home.
You just git me your bank account number with them 2.8 million in there and I will do the rest. If’n you needs some killin’ done, or just kneecap breakin’ done, my sister Jezz am first-rate muscle for them jobs.
We will be to Coat Divorce or wherever the hell you lives in no time flat, if’n we kin git there by pickup truck.
Yours in God,
Pappy Enoch, Recently Reformed Sinner
Oh noes
Mar 7th, 2011
I don’t even know what’s happening.
Pappy Enoch
Mar 7th, 2011
@Oh noes, Git me yo’ bank account number an’ I’ll explain it all rite qwik.
Emperor Norton hears a who?
Mar 8th, 2011
Don’t you think Omar can deal with it “Pappy”? We an’t falling for those sweet, sweet Hillbilly lines of your again.
PS, your belly is just a pillow stuffed down your coveralls fake!
Pappy Enoch
Mar 9th, 2011
Emperor, how you reckon me an’ Omar pulls in them bazillions to our Swiss Bank Account?
You am rite, half-way. My “belly” am fake, but it it ain’t no pillow. It am a WAD o’ Swiss Francs, hoo whee. Off to get me another Maserati cause I just wrecked the one Omar got me last week.
Edna
Mar 9th, 2011
The real problem with these scam emails is that one day a real Nigerian princess may actually need to give away her family’s millions to a stranger and nobody will believe her.
hobo kelly
Mar 9th, 2011
yeah, and it might rain Post Toasties too, lol
Emperor Norton hears a who?
Mar 9th, 2011
Pappy Enoch @ “You am rite, half-way. My “belly” am fake, but it it ain’t no pillow. It am a WAD o’ Swiss Francs, hoo whee. Off to get me another Maserati cause I just wrecked the one Omar got me last week.”
Oh! The never of you. Just await. One of these days your’ going to get what you have coming – wake up in a silver gray Lexcus, clean shaven and in a buisness suite.
See how you like it then Pappy. when all your Hillbilly magic is gone along with your membership in the cool kids club and you are back to being just another boring old fashion model.
Oh noes
Mar 10th, 2011
Lexus* Suit* *you’re
Pappy Enoch
Mar 10th, 2011
@Oh noes, don’t be so dang hard on his writin’ because he done spent too much time a-readin’ my crap and now am a-turnin’ hillbilly.
It are my plan fo’ fake-world dumination.
Emperor Norton hears a who?
Mar 10th, 2011
Oh noes @ “Lexus* Suit* *you’re”
What do you know about Hill Billy Play? You think you can pick that banjo? No, then butt out.
Pappy’s broken a LOT of hearts.
Pappy Enoch
Mar 11th, 2011
I broke me a banjo one time, too, pickin’ and a-grinnin’.
Oh noes
Mar 14th, 2011
No, I was correcting your grammatical errors.