Op/Ed: The Great Watermelon Strikes Back

by Alphaville Herald on 25/06/08 at 12:10 am

Banned for abuse of support staff by vandalizing Torely Linden’s SL Wiki page?

by Jumpman Lane


No one labors under the impression that the kindly game gods of Linden Lab who traipse around the grid in (as) who-knows-wtf-that-avi-is-supposed-to-be avatars are anything but human on the meat side. However, some mistake the sudden appearance of a Linden-last-name tag as just that: a god descending from the heavens to bless us for a few moments with an aspect of the sublime, with the grace of the empyrean. Imagine my surprise upon discovering that Torley Linden has the soul of a watermelon colored turd.

I am not a saint. I swagger through the metaverse yapping with hotties, talking smack to tards, snapping snaps, and writing funny little things in forums, on blogs, and in my little porno rag…er mag: Slut Magazine. My few run-ins with Lindens have been limited to chummy convos at official lab office hours and a few electronic epistles decrying the fact that unfortunately once again, it has come to the game god’s attention that I have allegedly violated the community standards or terms of service.

Most metaverse residents have not had the benefit of such contact, so some long term residents ask, "Who are Lindens?". Hoping to improve Second Life, we decided to start a column in Slut Magazine called "Lindens! Who are these Wackjobs Anyways?" The first one was on then Linden Labs CEO Philip Linden entitled "Ol’ Dirt Face Phil: Mustache like Mud." We ran it. Nothing happened. Emboldened, we decided to turn our attention to the most famous Linden of them all: Torley.

I told as much to an old Class of 2003 pal of mine who knew Torley Linden as Torley Torgeson. (Torley had followed her around like a puppy in the past as I do now :p). Her response was, "Torley is a freak. Leave him alone." She then told me the tale of Torley’s great transformation from guy to gal. Most everyone in Second Life knows that Torley is a man who plays Second Life as a woman. No one knows why. We don’t either. Yet, we did discover HOW and the shit storm and the hurt feelings that followed.

Slut magazine excerpt

Slut magazine excerpt

We printed it. Then all manner of crazy things began to happen. The Great Watermelon struck back.

I suddenly found myself banned at The Man Statue on Phil’s Hill in Natoma, supposedly the oldest rezzed object in world (where we took some pictures that appeared in the Torley article) and banned at the Library of Prims. Both of these places are land owned by groups listing Torley as the owner. These bans are for 7200 minutes and always restart after 7199.

Next, the main picture on my Second Life Wiki User page suddenly changed from a hot one of me to a picture of a tard standing on a watermelon slice with Torley snickering beside. The page history showed these changes were made by one Torley Linden. Now, I found these bans quirky and kind of cute responses and I shrugged them off as I don’t lurk in those places. However, being slightly vain, I took the vandalism of my user wiki page as insulting as a pimp smack in the face! I wanted to put my foot in Torley’s crack, make him ask where his soldiers at (and I did)!

I added a couple of hot pics of me to his SL Wiki User page and a funny little story (read lie) about how we used to handg in watermelon patches discussing all the hookers I done banged and plotting and scheming on taking over the world. Which world? We didn’t know- any world. Second Life would do: me on the outside, him on the inside; him dressed as a watermelon, me dressed in a Spiderman suit-the rest being history. The Great Watermelon was not amused. Less than 30 minutes later, I was forced logged out of Second Life with my account unavailable for 14 days.

Now the odd and strange thing about this disciplinary action was that it was not accompanied by the usual email from Linden Labs detailing the crime and the punishment. I mean my banning at the Man Statue restarted as soon as it ended. Would this seemingly unofficial banning from Second Life restart too? These were the crappy thoughts that ran through my mind as Torley’s shabby little soul was just beginning to be revealed to me.

I logged back on as my faithful alt Jumpman Drutman and lightning quick IMed Zara Linden and she yapped back just as quick after a Tao of Linden-looking over a watermelon shoulder: “Yup, you’re banned for abuse of support staff (Turdly) by vandalizing his SL Wiki page. Submit a support ticket and we’ll email with words to that effect.” I trotted off to support somewhat relieved that with other Lindens watching and prepared to hit the "you suck, Torley" Love Machine Button, I was safe from any watermelon juice stained sideways permaban from Second Life.

Boy, was I wrong.

At this point, I proceeded to correct my still vandalized SL Wiki User page. Torley had indefinity blocked me from the SL Wiki but left my page up and intact with the crappy watermelon slice picture still on it. I saw this as a perfect opportunity for my enemies to do as they saw fit with my page (as Torley had done) with me unable to correct it. So, I used one of my Jumpman alts and fixed it, including among its contents a complete history of my Watermelon War to date and a list of my enemies (Torley for being a watermelon). This was all undone as nonsense, leaving only a picture of me and my birth date. I undid this. I returned my page to its former look, and became IP blocked from Second Life. Every alt I ever made was asked to age verify (even ones that had been age verified at Second Life dot com). Lastly, on the SL Wiki I was indefinitly blocked as a user, IP blocked and my User page permanently removed. Why all this? For using alts to abuse MYSELF, and using alts to vandalize MY OWN SL Wiki page.

This, oh gentle Second Life Herald readers and my only friends, is what I put to you. Does a company which we ultimately PAY to provide us a service one way or another NOT have to provide some sort of oversight even of its more popular minor functionaries?

My next stop is M Linden, then Ol Dirt Face Phil his god damn self. I want my SL Wiki page back!


67 Responses to “Op/Ed: The Great Watermelon Strikes Back”

  1. Rowan

    Jun 28th, 2008

    My only question… WHY was Torley allowed to edit a SL Wiki page with crap and not get in trouble?

  2. Witless X

    Jun 28th, 2008


  3. Jumpman Lane

    Jun 28th, 2008

    Lawdy lawdy! Its the Nationalistic Nigries! I mean Nigglers! I mean Nigglettes! I mean Nigras! I mean who are they again? Whi’ ya been bullshittin settin up websites, beatin off to furry yiff-art, slappin ur boss Turdmunch Acronym on Wikipedia, and generally trollin Prok Neva (Hi Prok) comments across the web, ya lost The Great Nigra Uprisin! Ol Turdly L snickerin about Epic Fail and The Lab being full of Havok4 win ih his office hours! But keep up the good worx & film it! Put it on youturd! U’ll b an internet phenomenon b 4 y know! In the meantime stuff a watermelinden up ya ass! See if it fits! Shittycodec! Let me find out ya sked of the Fedz. They’ll send ya to a camp like Martha Stewart! With ya skared internet charlie bronson whiteboy ass. Code somethin that worx damnit.

    @ assorted turds
    Witless X wat up punk!

    Lou-lou U stink bitch! I know u the post girl 6!

    Flippadick Pussychick smack Jenneh ona ass and tella its all right like dynomite! JUMPY GOT THAT FIRE!

    The rest o u lesser turds! Get big! U too little. U messin with the champion of the world! Who am I? I’M JUMPY LANE! I STAY JAY WALKIN! TWO THREES ON MEH FEET! FUCK AROUND & END UP WIT A JUMPMAN AND A NIKE SWOOSH STOMPED DEAD IN YA INYA ASS! Caws I got the Ol Schools on! UNNASTAN!

    Geeze. This shit is better than than the sl forums. Hehehehehe.

    @ Rowan. I learned some interesting things about the sl wiki. Torley is the law over there. An admin and the final court of disciplinary resort over there. the g team says that they have seperate disciplinary arms (jira sl wiki and sl proper) according to zar or trinity. Socrates said they are combining all disciplinary matters under the g team umbrella and sped along my ticket. the final solution Im torley at his linden lab email adress (and beg i suppose. guess my sl wiki page is gone forever). Funny thing is he and his stooge JetZep Zabelin did vandalize my sl wiki and torley did it first. he did what i did and no oversite at all from LL. here is what he did. http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj224/jumpmanlane/watermelonslice.jpg

  4. Artemis Fate

    Jun 28th, 2008

    Judging by his excessive use of the word “turd” I think I know who Jumpman Lane’s real identity is:


  5. Jumpman Lane

    Jun 28th, 2008

    @Tardimus Fate
    like i said, “get big!” that’s alla ya got . hehehehe. u too little punk! OR climb ya stinkin ass atop meh shitlist. see what that get’s ya ! and yes TURD!

  6. LouLou Loring

    Jun 28th, 2008

    The correct spelling is ‘LouLou’ – oh, I forgot, spelling is not one of your strengths, neither are grammar or punctuation, style or class. And for an immature and obviously intellectually challenged little retard sitting in mom’s basement secretly sniffing on her panties while living the ‘big pimpin’ lifestyle on SL it is an incredible performance to find out that I am the Post 6 Grrrl. I am stunned and take a deep bow knowing somewhere deep inside that one day you’ll receive a Noble Prize, be it quantum physics, microbiology or peace – oh no it was the Darwin Award for hopefully erasing your useless ass from this planet.

  7. anon

    Jun 28th, 2008

    it is p. sad that people like the above exist in reality and others have to deal with them daily

    perhaps it’s a good thing they all cyber in SL all day, keeps them off the streets

  8. forest4thetrees

    Jun 28th, 2008

    Everyone commenting here seems to be focusing on Jumpman Lane and the perils which he encountered while Tilting at Windmills. Did anyone read his Torley Linden expose piece “Lindens, who are these Whack Jobs anyway?” which is in that inset above? Its very revealing of Torley Linden and kind of shocking really. Apparently Torley will fixate on someone if the conditions are right, stalk them, employ spies to mine data from them, starts rumours about how he fucked them to the point of having offspring with them, and then try to totally own them by re-incarnating as a clone of his prey effectively stealing a good portion of their personal zen. Here is a video of Torley doing about the same thing to a Hollywood Movie Director. Gurd your grit for a good one:


  9. Zeroth Paine

    Jun 29th, 2008

    Lawl… who cares what Torley did to Jumpman; his reactions and comments have proven him to be a good lolcow. Milk it boys and girls!

    “I got my eye on you! You better run weak sauce!” Oh no! He’s Internet Tough Guy! Run for your lives!

  10. like_ummm

    Jun 30th, 2008

    The youngest goat, known as d3adlyc0d3c, crosses the bridge and is threatened by the troll but is spared when he tells the troll “Just think about it for a minute. It’s pretty stupid, huh?”

    From that time on the bridge is safe, and d3adlyc0d3c is able to live in the security and happiness of the new field.


  11. Jumpman Lane

    Jun 30th, 2008

    @Zero. Wrong again tard. Those lines are form rockstars Bully! I GET lulz from the fact that sl is filled with 40ish 50ish tards tardyin around all smug and feelin spry! get ya self to gether and INVENT somethin better than that rehashed internent meme retard talk. get ya self together and BE somebody.

    @ Doo-doo , i mean loo loo GOD DAMN we know u the post 6 gal!

    @ forest Torley comes off as smarmy in sl but actually smalltime creepy in rl. he is a weirdo who attracts a certain type in sl. but the main thing is this from my point of view. screw torley. if he wants to traipse around sl as a gal its his business. his being snubbed and still feelin raw about it is what kills me! if any of u turds hang with him (or on his nut hairs in sl) and can ask him. ask him if those events actually happened. If ya aint too scared!
    @ turdlycodec ,ya had his shot and blew it. u came too close and failed. no one forgives that. putterin around the web with smug lil comments is prokofy nev’s bit. you lack the wit, grace and erudtion for that. i bet ur a gorean or a furry turd in sl as we speak. man. get ya self together.

  12. Witness X

    Jun 30th, 2008

    But no matter what else befell d3adlyc0d3c, he never became more than




  13. anonymous

    Jun 30th, 2008

    @Witness X

    Oh? Then how come people like you spend all your time crying and singling him out? Did you get swatted recently you dumbshit faggot?

  14. like_ummm

    Jun 30th, 2008

    Hey Jumpman

    My compliments on that extremely obnoxious personality you got there.

    May i suggest that you hook up with SL’s finest whore – Penance Sautereau. She has been a post 6 girl twice now! You two would make a marvelous couple. You should IM her in-world some time or something.

    I dunno if you’re man enough though – Penance is one fine, fine whore.

  15. Jumpman Lane

    Jul 1st, 2008

    @turd_ummmm i’ve heard that best this finest that a million times before. BUT have the tard im Ms Can Flo or Kriz Ballin my co editrices in charge :p.
    @ whoever gives a shit. lmao If Trudlycodec couldnt fly with the eagles he shoulda kept his stinkin ass on the ground!

    Cya Chumps!

  16. Lykurgus

    Jul 2nd, 2008

    As a dog returns to his own vomit…

    (WitnessX):”I know you got a little visit, deadheadly, and recently, so your holier-than-thou crap doesn’t wash. Wire fraud, all sorts of stuff. Just because they went away for a while doesn’t mean you’re off the radar.”

    Can you say “conspiracy theorist”?

    I knew you could.

  17. Jumpman Lane

    May 15th, 2010

    I’m cool with torley now
    i got his bear and everything

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