Lonely Hyena Seeks Second Life Soul Mate

by Alphaville Herald on 29/07/09 at 9:08 pm

Will Erk Gloom find true love in the metaverse with a Herald personal ad?

by Pixeleen Mistral, Matchmaking Affairs Desk

Single hyena loves romantic walks and cuddling in the den – looking for a special someone who is open-minded, not easily offended. Hoping for SL companionship — maybe more. Seeking M/F/Bi/Fur professional career-oriented hyena who shares my interests and twisted sense of humor. No drama! Attention grabbers, clingy avatars are turn offs. You must be at least 18 years old, preferably adult verified. Good taste is important -  avatar height and weight should be proportionate, demonic eyeballs or bright colors are fine, but cruxes should not be mutated further than their original shape.

Hy6 Even virtual hyenas need love. Last week Erk Gloom called to introduce himself and tell me he was feeling kinda blue – his online romantic life was a shambles and the Lindens had banned his SL partner — could I help?

Normally I refer these sorts of inquiries to a well-known self-proclaimed metaverse expert admired for infallibility at the expense of consistency, and a sympathetic, gentle touch.

But – bad luck for me! My fave-rave anti-techno-communist/collectivist was offline, and when Erk mentioned Leda Swanson, I stopped cold.

Every year on June 3rd, the Herald staff hold a silent vigil in a deserted, silent snow sim to commemorate Leda Swanson’s transformation into a furry -  a grim reminder of how an uncontrolled furry sex addiction can lead to the depraved depths of hermaphrodite hyena sex.

Thinking about Leda and her sad fate brought back some painful memories – but I couldn't blame Erk for his interest in the Leda Swanson's transformation story. The hyena can't help it.

When Erk asked for an introduction to Leda, I had to tell him that after her transformation, Ms. Swanson had disappeared without a trace, but there was still hope. Google teaches us that targeted Internet adverts can work miracles, and the Herald tops the charts in virtual hyena readership. Perhaps a carefully crafted personal advertisement would help.

Erk Gloom: I desire to see more hyenas in Second Life because I met Spotz Sporg in a place called the Yiff Theater. He is partnered, to this day, to someone called Rainbow Pirandello and he refuses to do anything without her in his presence, and she him.
Pixeleen Mistral: sounds like true love

Erk Gloom: Spotz shared a few moments with me. he is in an open relationship so he was happy to oblige me. and yes, I wouldn't do anything to seperate them. I encourage anyone who stops by there to say hello and not be afraid of them.

Pixeleen Mistral: how big is the hyena community? aren't there other hyenas?
Erk Gloom: I am not sure. I believe a community is only as big as it chooses to be. Although I am in at least 3 groups based solely on uniting my kind, I always have trouble finding ones that are as awesome as Spotz.

Pixeleen Mistral: but you used to have a partner – at least a partner is listed on your profile
Erk Gloom: Its true. He isn't a hyena, but he was my beau for a short time. At least, I thought he was. It turns out he is actually more interested in someone else. I'm afraid to mention his name here because I don't have permission to. But its irrelevant.

Pixeleen Mistral: so currently you are somewhat unattached in SL even though you have a partner listed on your profile
Erk Gloom: I was talking to one of my friends who is wise beyond his years and he strongly urged me to do something about it.
Erk Gloom: Yes, that's correct. I'm unhappily single.


Pixeleen Mistral: I hope you can meet a nice resident who is hyena friendly and settle down
Erk Gloom: That doesn't mean I'm easy, though. I've got humane standards.

Pixeleen Mistral: you said earlier that you were interested in something like the My Transformation story
Erk Gloom: That's correct.

Pixeleen Mistral: perhaps you'll meet a human that will turn furry. I've seen that happen
Erk Gloom: I'm not really into transformation, but that story was quite exciting. I happened upon it during a Google Image Search.

Pixeleen Mistral: maybe the Herald needs a personals section – where single avatars can advertise for companionship
Pixeleen Mistral: what would you put in a personals ad?
Pixeleen Mistral: Single hyena loves romantic walks, cuddling in the den, that sort of thing?
Erk Gloom: I would say that I'm open to a lot of things. I realize space is limited in a newspaper but unlike many furries I'm not quite as easy to charm, and I am not easily offended.
Erk Gloom: Keeping it short and to the point makes the relationship boring, but it could prevent a bad relationship.
Erk Gloom: actually Im not sure thats what I meant to say.

Pixeleen Mistral: I know! something like "Single Hyena looking for a special someone – open minded, not easily offended, hopes for SL companionship – maybe more"
Erk Gloom: That sounds pretty accurate.

Pixeleen Mistral: you should have some things about why you are interesting
Pixeleen Mistral: something about what you like to do – so it doesn't sound like you just want to yiff
Erk Gloom: Like many warm-blooded creatures I enjoy talking to someone who truely relates to my interests. Someone who laughs at the same jokes at me, someone with the same twisted sense of humor. Like Tourettes guy.


Pixeleen Mistral: could we also say you are a professional career-oriented hyena?
Pixeleen Mistral: a lot of people are attracted to that sort of thing
Pixeleen Mistral: or are you more laid back?
Erk Gloom: oh, most definitely. I appreciate a man with a good career, like anyone with a brain.
Erk Gloom: or woman.
Erk Gloom: I think the type of woman that could charm me is someone who doesn't let just anyone mess around with her. although, openness in mind helps alot since I am not a wealthy guy.

Pixeleen Mistral: ok – so you are seeking M/F/Bi/Fur
Pixeleen Mistral: what about turn-offs?
Pixeleen Mistral: what would be a deal breaker?
Erk Gloom: I think the biggest things that turn me off would be attention grabbers. Someone who clings too tightly to me and/or other people.

Pixeleen Mistral: ok – so "no drama"
Erk Gloom: Persistence is NOT a bad thing. but being too … what’s the word for it… immaturity isn't the word …
Erk Gloom: because immaturity can be good
Erk Gloom: drama isn't a bad thing either because it adds a little spice to life.

Pixeleen Mistral: would your ideal avatar need to be Adult Verified?
Erk Gloom: My idea avatar to partner with would have to be at least 18 years old. So yes. I will absolutely not partner with anyone under the legal age.

Pixeleen Mistral: that is very wise
Erk Gloom: its also required here to be allowed into the adult grid.

Pixeleen Mistral: so is there anything else the Herald readers should know about you?
Pixeleen Mistral: what have we left out?
Erk Gloom: Oh I think I'll add shyness to my list of let-downs. as well as constant need to be entertained. I really appreciate patience in my partner.
Erk Gloom: Shyness is bad because it shows a lack of willpower. To be able to say  "no" to other potential mates respectfully.

Pixeleen Mistral: do you hope to have cubs or pups someday?
Pixeleen Mistral: we need to cover that – I almost forgot
Erk Gloom: I'm not into babyfurs, but in real life it would probably make my mother proud. She is very old but she continues to work to support the family that I live with. I am not shy to admit that I still live with most of my immediate family.

Pixeleen Mistral: babyfurs are fun – except for the diaper changing thing – I could skip that part entirely
Erk Gloom: My sister has moved out because I tend to get loud at night with my laughing. Thats why I think I relate so closely to hyenas.
Erk Gloom: No land mammal really laughs as much.
Erk Gloom: Another thing I should add is that I do like cruxes, but I don't like it when people mutate them even further than their original shape.

Pixeleen Mistral: so you are a sort of cruxes conservative
Erk Gloom: Additional details on the skin, such as demonic eyeballs or bright colors are allright. but Im very much conservative. yeah.
Erk Gloom: The maker may have been called mutation industries but that doesn't give people the right to stretch it out.
Erk Gloom: Good taste is important.
Pixeleen Mistral: I totally agree

10 Responses to “Lonely Hyena Seeks Second Life Soul Mate”

  1. Ravagraid

    Jul 29th, 2009


    Someone hump this yena!
    He’s a nice guy, and fun to talk to as well.
    Go now, and hump him!

  2. fyrus

    Jul 29th, 2009

    erk is cool..

  3. Erk Gloom

    Jul 29th, 2009

    Hurray! It’s me! :D

  4. JingleJangle Morning

    Jul 29th, 2009

    Any story that points to the Leda story is a good story.

  5. Bunny Brickworks

    Jul 29th, 2009


  6. We

    Jul 30th, 2009

    Oh boy, this poor guy doesn’t know what he’s getting in to.

  7. Erk Gloom

    Jul 30th, 2009

    pleae take the profile snapshot DOWN.

  8. Alyx Stoklitsky

    Jul 31st, 2009

    >Woodbury University

    If I could be bothered to log in I’d group kick you. Furfaggot.

  9. LOL

    Aug 1st, 2009

    I did not read this but I can say, it is not worth trolling this furfag

  10. At0m0 Beerbaum

    Aug 2nd, 2009

    Wait he’s in WU?

    Will correct this later.

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