Suit Life Enterprise™ & Suit Life Work Marketplace™ — Now in Beta

by Alphaville Herald on 12/11/09 at 11:12 pm

We're listening to the gullible with money

Posted by Mammon Linden

Over the last few years, the number one request and core business requirement of many of our money-grubbing, soulless and wealthy customers has been the need for a behind-the-firewall solution. In other words, they get the firewall and the cattle (our former user base) known as artists, educators, blingtards, and perverts get lined up against a wall and our CEO yells “fire!”

The extra layers of security and administrative control in a product that panders to the overlords of the cubicle-enslaved would allow them to exploit virtual workers with a powerful and effective collaboration and communication tool, divorced from the baby furs, Gorean slavegirls, and fag artists of the main grid. This would have the advantage of keeping Biff from Accounts Payable from showing up at a virtual meeting decked out as a supermodel with talking breasts.

Given how badly we need to avoid bankruptcy, we listened to intellectually bankrupt, but cash-rich greedheads who helped make the world economy collapse. Last year, after the notorious griefer Philip Linden was ousted and sent to play with maps, Mark “Nice tie, Mr. K!” Kingdon (SL: M Linden), Linden Lab's CEO, announced that we were working on Suit Life, in response to needs of boring and well heeled customers.

Ready for Being Under a Thumb?

Today, we're excited to announce the beta launch of Suit Life Enterprise, formerly known by our internal code name “Siberia.” Suit Life is the most secure, content-rich, and flexible enterprise-ready virtual workplace solution available, built to separate it from the world's most poorly named 3D virtual world technology platform–Second Life. Given that Second Life evokes an image of addicted perverts glued by bodily fluids to their keyboards, the SL Enterprise solution dupes large organizations into bringing unsuspecting colleagues together into a persistent branded immersive space to collaborate, slack, and invent workarounds so they can be naked and sweaty in spite of company policy. They'll manage this while cutting travel costs and pretending to be working greener, while the front office honchos continue to fund climate-change naysayers, buy V8 powered SUVs, and support industries in China that make people have lungs that look like the bottom of Sean Penn's ashtray.

Ok, let's talk nuts and bolts for a minute. Well, "your nuts in our vice" might be a superior metaphor.

The solution itself runs 8 regions simultaneously while storing over 25 additional regions that you can take up and down in a flash. Pricing begins at $55,000 USD, many times the cost of setting up exactly the same thing with OpenSim on your own equipment. But with us, you get Linden Lab's reputation for rock-solid stability and clarity of company policy!

From a user perspective, Suit Life Enterprise feels exactly like Second Life, but we include a Prokofy-Free Guarantee™ and promise that you'll meet no one who does not think exactly like you. Just like the real corporate workplace!

Suitlife Oh, and let me croon about the control panel where administrators use a web-based dashboard to micromanage the every move of users, regions, content, and systems.

It's complete with backup and recovery, LDAP integration, and other fancy terminology that sound impressive to corporate stiffs who really know doodly-squat about computing, beyond playing Solitaire or downloading porn.

That backup part is really cool. Too bad the losers on the main grid won't get it. Neener neener.

The solution comes standard with 7 pre-built regions and 10 multi-cultural avatars with business attire and accessories included. That means “Maria the Saucy but kind-hearted Latina Custodian” and “Leroy the kind-hearted but wise-cracking black Mailroom Clerk” plus lots of blonde white suburban people in suits and Lexus SUVs and health insurance. Leroy and Maria come with bus-passes and the ever-fun “pink slip” accessory. 

All suits will be glued on the avatars; that way, Biff will be prevented from sporting his Xcite pecker in front of Tammy from Marketing until he gets his dorky twelve-year-old younger brother to invent a hack for him. Then you can fire him and keep his inventory, pecker included.

Deck Out your Workspace with Boredom

What about content, you ask? Great question. Get over it. No corporate users we know have the creativity to make content, so we'll provide it for you!

There are three ways to bring new content into the SL Enterprise environment. First, the solution has the same non-intuitive and unreliable LSL building tools as Second Life so creating new content within the solution is painful and rage-inducing. Pay us more, and we'll find a dork to make stuff you need for your company's fake HQ (like the “bang Maria in the furnace room” or “Leroy goes postal” animations).

Second, if you own the intellectual property rights in content you created in Second Life, then you can transfer that content into the Suit Life environment. Good thing, given how we are screwing with anyone who dares cross our paths. You'll need to affirm your IP ownership prior to moving any content and identify the Second Life names of your employees who created content for you, so we can sick the IRS on them later (and get a cut of the fines–thanks, Uncle Sam!).  If you wish to transfer any content created by a Resident who is not your employee, you must provide Linden Lab with a signed written permission (in blood) from that Resident content creator so we can tax them too. 

Coming Soon! The Suit Life Marketplace

And, there's a third option that we're very excited about: Suit Life Work Marketplace, the first virtual world application and solution marketplace in the world. As our traditional user-base withers, this new boondoggle will allow large organizations to download entire regions of collaboration tools, meeting and event solutions, training solutions, work avatars, business-oriented environments, and much more, into their stand alone Suit Life environment. For Solution Providers and content creators, this opens up a whole new, if utterly lame, market for work-related content after our main grid goes tits up.

Like the blood-suckers at Blue Mars, initially we're only accepting content from Gold Solution Providers and Recommended Application Providers, but once we've squeezed them hard enough and gotten some capital in hand, we will open up the application process to a broader and poorer audience of starving artists who once made good money in SL.

Business-Friendly Mainland: Boredomia

One other important thing to note: The Enterprise Team is not just working on Suit Life Enterprise and Work Marketplace. We're also hard at work altering the main Second Life environment to make it easier to use for bored and soon-to-be-fired business people. 

Just you wait! No more furries, Goreans, egg-headed profs, or cynical nay-saying artists who doubt our vision for cybercapitalism! No more sexual content on the main grid, except from Gold Solution Providers in the privacy of your fake yuppie condos!

Learn More

In the meantime, you probably have a million questions. Good luck with that! I'll be in Cancun IRL, so if you come to my office hours, that's a bot in my chair!  Ask it to sing “Daisy” for you, or close the pod-bay doors.

If you are smart, poor, or both, go play WoW or the ghetto called OpenSim. If you are wealthy, however, please join us in discussing Suit Life Enterprise! 

11 Responses to “Suit Life Enterprise™ & Suit Life Work Marketplace™ — Now in Beta”

  1. Faye Serendipity

    Nov 13th, 2009

    This entire article is offensive to Wiccans in suits.

    Unrelated note, wasn’t there an additional article posted after the Post 6 Grrrrl that has since been removed? I did not read it first glance, but refreshed the page some hours later and then it was gone. Oh well.

  2. Goatse Linden

    Nov 13th, 2009

    Those Suits are going to be so BORED with our product that they will be hoping and praying that the PN find the way through their firewalls and start Griefing the Hell out of The Man. They might get to go home early, and thats at least one good thing :)

  3. Wordfromthe Wise

    Nov 13th, 2009

    i lol`d very hard :-) this is sooo funny ..

  4. Mammon Linden

    Nov 13th, 2009

    and btw. this Text makes such a good Wordl :

  5. Judge Joker

    Nov 13th, 2009

    @Goatse Linden Congratulations you have just shown us all how retarded your are, don’t you understand the concept of “Firewall” and “only employee avatars”, There is no way the PN can attack a company run Suit Life Enterprise™.

    And if they did use Second Life to attack the Suit Lifes servers with script traffic.

    1. Fuck all would happen – AKA EXPENCIVE “Firewall” with DDOS protection.

    2. You find the “Man” will sue you and your shitty little website were you post your achievement of throwing prims all over sims, like a baby that throws its dummy out its pram.

    So dream on fuckwad, $55,000 means you and your PN buddys wont be able to get anywere near a Suit Life Enterprise™.

  6. Orion Shamroy

    Nov 13th, 2009

    $55,000usd so your employees can play office with dollies? Duh, now that’s a failure in the making!

  7. LittleLostLinden

    Nov 13th, 2009

    What is Joker talking about? There are so many corp users who logon to other peoples home wireless networks and then connect to their corp networks through them. Anyone could easily get into SuitLife if they wanted to. This will be the biggest joke yet.

  8. Haruka Harris

    Nov 13th, 2009

    I for one TOTALLY AGREE with this article! It’s an OUTRAGE for those Lindens to be selling Second Life to those dripping-with-money corporations when it’s not even done yet! Everyone KNOWS that Second Life would done-in-a-heartbeat if those Lindens would stop wasting their time marketing and get back in the server room and coding cubicles where they all belong! Marketing, PHOOEY! Money Making, SHAMEFUL! The only true Mission of Linden Lab is to SERVE US.

    P.S. To any money-dripping corporations interested in SL Enterprise who are reading this, just kidding: please contact me immediately for a quote.

  9. Sinden Lucks

    Nov 14th, 2009

    I tend to like some of the articles written in the same format as they (LL) writes, while yet completely spelling it out so the corporate mind could understand it. Very well done. I’m pretty sure that this article will make more sense to those that would consider spending 55K on something you can host yourself for fifteen dollars a month.

    However I do believe there are benefits to spending the 55K with Linden. I just don’t think the offering was reviewed well enough unfortunately.

    1) You would be purchasing true bragging rights as to the most amount of money ever spent on enormously buggy code and the worst technical support in the history of modern business.

    2) No one with the last name Neva as you mentioned. This is certainly worth at least 20K in and of itself.

    3) You will receive an “Enterprise Client” which will allow you to look up skirts in the corporate meeting with the new upskirt camera view angle.

    4) You will have real content created by real artists that know that an avatar’s feet should touch the ground when sitting in a chair.

    5) The most important and exclusive right to the enterprise offering is the option to use the new (FFF), or Furry Flicker Function. This allows an avatar to flick furries back out to the main grid where they belong while watching the whole event through a window in the firewall. This provides for many thousands of corporate enterprise class lolz.

    6) It’s hosted by the same company that brought you many years of “You may not login, please hold why the grid monkey’s beat on the network” advertisements. Look no further, you now too will have your own “This server is down why we scratch our nuts and try to figure out why our corporate enterprise class server doesn’t run any better than opensim. You will be provided with a brand new “You may not Login” screen by our Gold Solutions Providers that understand how to create a “We are down, we don’t know what the fuck we are doing” advertisements”. This is only available with the enterprise class behind the firewall so no one will see us packages.

    7) You will be hosted on a class 29384982 server. That is right, no more class 5 servers. While it’s true that Linden always spoofed their way through any real computing knowledge by offering hardware that has never once in the history of computing been called a “class” of anykind, and while most of the idiots who signed up for SL has no clue what is in a computer anyhow, Linden is proud to raise the number for those that have no clue what a processor shift register or an xor gate does anyhow.
    8) No more false advertisements. That is correct. The enterprise suite will never be tied to any of Linden’s outrageous false advertisements of “own your own land” or “own virtual land” as you may have witnessed in the past. While it worked for the gullible idiots that signed up for SL believing they were going to “own” something they couldn’t even touch, Linden does understand that the corporate world has the knowledge to know the difference between something that has a “title” and “taxes due” over the morons that believed different. This is the Linden “added bonus”.

    Just a few missing things that you should be aware of that is offered with the new Linden Enterprise Suite.

  10. Sinden Lucks

    Nov 14th, 2009

    Oh, and If you act now, Linden will provide the following at low additional introductory prices:

    1) A custom enterprise class lag injector script that will help re-create the “original recipe” feeling of the main grid for those that miss it. $2,850.00USD
    2) 14 new “gold” textures, you are the corporate elite, you know that you deserve it. $3,200USD
    3) Discount rate of only $100USD upgrade fee for enterprise customers that need help creating a folder in their inventory.
    4) Enterprise class spam and virus removal protection for those corporate windows users that cannot exist without norton. ls |grep trojan
    5) 25 new enterprise class waltz dances for all the sweaty faced uptight corporate parties that don’t allow dirty dancing. $3,835.00USD
    6) 1 EGPPP (Enterprise Griefing Purple Pillow Poofer) for those that miss the sim load of flying penises at their in-world corporate meetings. $800USD
    7) The option to purchase between any of SL’s numerous vacant corporate sims such as Reuters(tm) $200,000.00 8) An official LBBC (Linden Bankruptcy Ball Cap) if you don’t purchase some of the above. $5,000USD
    9) The sale of SL(tm) because no one was inSL(tm) 25L (mod YES copy YES transfer Eh,,, already have it.)
    10)….. ugh, yeah right.

  11. Spin Semaphore

    Nov 15th, 2009

    “However I do believe there are benefits to spending the 55K with Linden. I just don’t think the offering was reviewed well enough unfortunately.

    1) You would be purchasing true bragging rights as to the most amount of money ever spent on enormously buggy code and the worst technical support in the history of modern business.”

    $55K is chump change. Your average academic institution burns 3x that on a single piece of buggy software with horrible support without breaking a sweat. You are missing a couple zeros.

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