Financial Wizard to Prop Up Linden Dollar

by Alphaville Herald on 19/06/10 at 1:21 am

No more Ups and Downs with First Bank of Enoch Holler

by Journey Yellowlist, Herald Financial Desk

There are storm clouds on the horizon of Second Life, given recent instability with Linden Lab’s virtual currency, massive layoffs at the firm, and CEO Mark Kingdon’s panic inducing reassuring words that the ship is sinking for all is well with the virtual world’s economy.

Today, however, in a surprise move, a long-time and utterly incompetent criminal deep-pocketed Second Life philanthropist, Pappy Enoch, declared that he would step in to calm the brewing financial storm.

I met CEO Enoch at the world headquarters of The First Bank of Enoch Holler, as his former fake Hooters-waitress chauffeur drove him to the door in Enoch’s fake limousine.

Our conversation follows.

Journey Yellowlist: Thank you for taking time out of your busy day to chat with me, Mr. Enoch.
Pappy Enoch: Well, Journey, ain’t no problum at all. Them-there markets needs themselves a firm hand in the cookie jar. I got the firmest hand this side o’ my ol’ buddy, Alan Greasepan who were at the Fed.

Journey Yellowlist: You know the former Federal Reserve Chairman?
Pappy Enoch: Sho’ nuff do. He were all the rage at them dawg-fights in Enoch Holler. He knowed how to bet big, and he didn’t cry none if’n he lost big. That helped him when he done run stuff nationwide into the ground a couple years back.

(Miss Bubbles O’Dare, a former fake burlesque dancer turned fake executive assistant, escorted us into Enoch’s pharaonic fake office).

Pappy Enoch - philanthropist and banker
Pappy Enoch – philanthropist and banker

Bubbles O’Dare: Pappy-poo, store liquor or Shine for breakfast?
Pappy Enoch: Honey bunch, get me and Journey some Shine! He’s like fam’ly!
Bubbles O’Dare: Will he get the happy ending?
Pappy Enoch: Sho will! (Pappy winked at me knowingly)

Journey Yellowlist: (taking a sip) Ulp! Hoo whee! Um, do you think a banker like yourself can save the virtual economy, then?
Pappy Enoch: Ain’t a gonna make it worse none. As you kin see, we got the best help on the scene for this here market panic. My own two-headed prim boy, Ulysses Diomedes Enoch, am workin’ the phones and takin’ messages so I won’t return ‘em. With two brains he do handle two lines at one time, hoo whee.

Enoch family working the phones at the L$ spacebux exchange
Enoch family workis the phones to calm the panic on the L$ spacebux exchange

Ulysses Enoch: SELL SELL SELL! Dang yo’ eyes, head, overshoes, ’74 Impala, and mama, you good-fo-nuffin rascal! I DONE SAID SELL!
Diomedes Enoch: BUY BUY BUY, you rapacious and overfed pantaloon! Thy pockets sag like a 70 year old stripper’s dugs! Empty them and BUY NOW!

Pappy Enoch: See what I means? Ain’t they a corker? Dio got him that book learnin’ in his head and Uly got him the common sense part in his’n.

Journey Yellowlist: Will you do both investment and commercial banking?
Pappy Enoch: Good gravy, boy, we’ll take them pennies off’n yo’ mama’s eyeballs if’n we kin get you a return on ‘em (an’ git our share). Ain’t that what bankin’ are all about?

Journey Yellowlist: But…aren’t banks illegal in Second Life?
Pappy Enoch: Well, the garden-variety type am, but this am a special and new-fangled bank. I don’t change nuffin’ into real money for YOU. You just git me some spacebux, and I will git you some back spacebux in what us bankers call “interest.” We gots us a slogan, "Your interest am our interest." Ain’t that friendly like? And we uses only the most new-fangled technolergy to git that job done, too!

"Your interest am our interest"
"Your interest am our interest"

Journey Yellowlist: What sort of rate of return can investors expect?
Pappy Enoch: Well, I do guaran-damn-tee all investurs a 50% back on their fake money! Try gittin’ that from them Linden flyin’ monkeys.

Hell, I will toss in a rubber kuntry ham for them holidays (rubber Turkey if’n a customer keeps Kosher) an’ give the fake kids a sucker every time y’all comes into our lobby!

Journey Yellowlist: Do you plan to grow this if it succeeds?

First Bank of Enoch Holler - more stable than Linden Lab
First Bank of Enoch Holler – more stable than Linden Lab?

Pappy Enoch: Yep. We already done opened up our first fake branch. Ya’ll come in! Free fake shotgun to the first 500 investurs! Just send me some Linden Dollars and we’ll keep ‘em safe and send ya’ll that gun!

Journey Yellowlist: Thank you for your time.
Pappy Enoch: Ain’t nuffin’ boy. Now go git that there happy ending! First 10 investurs puttin’ 10,000L or more into the pot gits one o’ them too!

11 Responses to “Financial Wizard to Prop Up Linden Dollar”

  1. Rinaldo "Jethro" Debevec

    Jun 19th, 2010

    Thanky Pappy for savin’ our butts! Granny and Jed lost all thar oyl muney in BP and we sure ‘preciate the morguj you gave us on the manshun.

  2. Bank of Nicolai

    Jun 19th, 2010

    Don’t listen to Meester Enoch. Bring your money to Bank of Nicolai. I go into your computer, take your money, put into my pocket, see, very safe there….. Bank of Nicolai, you can trust me, look, I have pen!

  3. Holger

    Jun 19th, 2010

    Never trust a person and give him all your money or you will just be kicked in your ass

  4. Pappy Enoch

    Jun 20th, 2010

    @King, I been a- tellin’ these here folks that since I done got stuck in the fake world after one hell of a nite of drinkin’ some bad Shine.

    Maybe they’ll wise up, now that the money am goin’ faster’n a ’70 Charger Hemi with a load o’ Kickapoo Joy-Juice on the way to Knoxville.

    I reckon. Or maybe not.

    So send Pap yo’ money, and don’t trust no Russian feller who got hisself a pen. I got me one o’ them type-writin’ mersheens so ya’ll KNOWS you kin trust me.

  5. Little Lost Linden

    Jun 20th, 2010

    I think this new bank of Pappy Enoch may be the only way to save SL at this point. Put me down for $5L. I’m good for it. Instead of a free toaster for signing up, I’ll just have some of that famous Pappy moonshine.

  6. Senban Babii

    Jun 20th, 2010

    Hmm, I’m not so sure we can trust the financial acumen of Mr Enoch. I followed his advice about squatting and while everything was great for three days, the Flying Monkeys came and stole away my building site and now I’m homeless again.

    Can we trust Pappy Enoch’s advice longer than three days? Can we trust him with our money past the point the gin shop opens? Will we find our Rindendorrahs stuffed into the G strings of a succession of wriggling wimmins in the seedy dens of Zindra?

    Hehe j/k Pappy you know I loves ya really 8D

  7. Danziel Lane

    Jun 20th, 2010

    “Will we find our Rindendorrahs stuffed into the G strings of a succession of wriggling wimmins in the seedy dens of Zindra?”

    Hmmmm, Senban, to go there, Pappy must be age verified.
    Are you sure he made it through that process? It’s a rather complicated form to be filled … :) ))))

  8. hobo kelly

    Jun 20th, 2010

    FESTUS: “Wellsum Marshal, you dun got that thar hundred mile stare goin’ again. I reckon its time for sum more a Miss Kittys home made sarsaparillia and a little a her councilin’ fer ya go off an do sumthing ya end up regrettin”

    MARSHAL DILLON: “Well Festus, out here in the West all us country folk are very hospitible, and don’t you forget it pilgrim. ”

    FESTUS: “Ya see now Marshal, thar ya go again waxin’ all strange on me. You ain’t never called me ‘Pilgrim’ befer. Lets get you down to that there saloon and let Kitty see whats what. Thats all ya be ailin’ fer.”

    MARSHAL DILLON: “Yes Festus, lets go down to that saloon. That saloon where you don’t have to worry about saying something wrong and gettin your nose shot off”

    FESTUS: “It weren’t always like that Marshal. You know that. Its bees bein yur hard work that be carvin’ civilization outta this here stinkin’ prairie. Its all worth it Marshall Dillon…”

    MARSHAL DILLON: “I hope its all worth it Festus. When I stare off a hundred miles into the future I want to see all the good things for this prairie: A feller with his kids livin in a decent ranchhouse with some of that high class wallpaper on the walls. A guy with his kids around, a little money in the bank, maybe a bottle of corn squeezins for the evening times…”

    FESTUS: “I reckon that thar sounds like a powerful vision of Some Life in the future Marshal. I jus hope that thar bees bein some room fer shootin’ and killin’ in the name of the law…”

    MARSHAL DILLON: “There will be Festus, there will be…”

  9. Pappy Enoch

    Jun 20th, 2010

    @Hobo Kelly, I ain’t a-claimin’ no influence or nuffin’ from ol’ Festus Hagen, but I done found this on them tubes that makes up the Interwebs:

    “He has common sense, cunning and an intuitive understanding of townfolk, which the other Haggens lack. In fact, as he himself points out, Festus is good at a lot things. Cards, horseshoes, singin’, dancin’, fishin’, huntin’, trappin’, trackin’, drinkin’ sweet-talkin’, tusslin’, cussin’ and shootin’ all come naturally to him. And to compensate for his illiteracy, he has a vast knowledge of oral folklore and a prodigious memory. He can, for instance, recite every book of the bible”

    ‘Cept for the spellin’ o’ Festus’ last name and bible part this am rite on The Enoch famberly bible, in the outhouse, only had about four pages when I come along. I recollects them “begats” rite well.

    now sites like this here one:

    Shows that you don’t need so SL to waste yo’ time. I reckons it AM the how Interwebs tube-thing what am to blame for our squalor, sadness, and drunken hootenanny shindigs.

    Like ol’ Festus done said:

    “A little’s a little, and a lot’s a lot, there ain’t no little lot, or lot of little, don’t you see? Now you want that beer or don’t you?”

    Bank Update: 10L in the till. Hoo whee. 5L am guaranteed to the first investur (unnamed) who done got a shotgun already.

  10. Emperor Norton hears a who?

    Jun 21st, 2010

    My personal suggestion is invest heavy in Chilean Rice futures. The word I have is they are going to be great and that is were the Emperor has all his money.

  11. [...] Pappy Enoch managed to lose both Linden dollars of virtual capital that he had collected to start his bank, plus another 19L in investments from two suckers avatars who came out of a coma and still [...]

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