First Bank of Enoch Holler Fails

by Alphaville Herald on 30/06/10 at 10:39 am

Financial Traction Impossible, Fine Art to Cover Debts 

by Journey Yellowlist, Financial Desk


In a little over one week, deadbeat and drunken criminal virtual financier Pappy Enoch managed to lose both Linden dollars of virtual capital that he had collected to start his bank, plus another 19L in investments from two suckers avatars who came out of a coma and still thought the year to be 2006, when the mainstream media were still making fun of deeply invested in exploring Second Life.  

In the interest of full disclosure, I should note know that two of the Linden Dollars belonged to this reporter, though I thought, at the time, that I was paying for Pappy’s bar-tab. I interviewed the downtrodden Mr. Enoch in his squat on abandoned land. 

Pappy: Oh gloom despair and agony on me! 

JY: Whoa! What happened, Pappy? 

Pappy: Oh it are awful terrible, sir. My bank done gone tits up! She done kicked every dang bucket from here to Nashville and back!   

JY: Are you saying you didn’t get any traction with your plan? 

At this point, Pappy Enoch directed me to a security camera duct-taped to a nearby outhouse. 

Pappy: That am rite, by jingo! But it won’t me gittin’ traction. My rotten horrible sister Jezzybell got that traction, burnin’ rubber after robbin’ me blind.  My money done run off! 

JY: Money doesn’t run off, Pappy. It gets spent wisely or squandered. 

Pappy: I didn’t have it long enough yet, mistophur smarty-pants!  But Jezz done made like the feller who up and ate the Ex-lax, thinkin’ it were a Hershey bar, and RUN OFF! But she  didn’t run off to the crapper. She run off with that-there cash and now SHE am a squanderin’ it on Fabio books she cain’t read, DVDs o’ Gunsmoke, cheese doodles, pork rinds, and store liquor. 

JY: Are you sure about these allegations? 

Pappy: Alleghenies?  Hell yes, I comes from there so I are dang sure.  I were takin’ me a nap with my clothes hangin’ in the breeze to dry. I washes ‘em every year, whether they needs it or not. But then–oh woe am me–I heared a familiar sound–cause it are a family sound–of a ’76 Nova with a bad exhaust manifold. I got me this close-up for proof. Look who it are! 


JY: That’s your sister, I believe! 

Pappy: Yep, and she got all the shotguns I were givin’ out too. Then she done kiddy-napped my son and financial planner, Ulysses-Diomedes Enoch! She done got both of his heads AND my overalls! 

JY: That explains the barrel you wear. 

Pappy: Explains them splinters in my butt. I are hoppin’ mad!  My son! My clothes! My guns! My money! 

JY: You mean your investors’ capital. 

Pappy: Whatever. I done give the gal a glass eyeball, like she asked me. I owed her money after I gone to prison, leavin’ her to watch my still. Then she done gone to prison ’cause of the Shine bizness, beatin’ up the Sheriff, burnin’ up some trailers, and more what I forgets.  After she done got out o’ prison, she had to make money in the roller derby to git poor mama’s medicines. That eye done got poked out, and she blames me. 

JY: I recall that the “eye” you provided was a tiger-eye marble, and you paid her in old racing forms with “Linden Lab Spacebux” written in orange crayon. 

Pappy: That marble fit rite good after she done glued it in wif some liquid nails. I done even give her a new tube of it, and a caulk gun I done picked up…I means bought for her at the Home Depot. I done been wronged! I plans to git me some restitushum!  

JY: How so? 


Pappy: I done boohooed to ol’ Alan Greasepan who were big in all the dawg-fights in Enoch Holler before he went off to run that there Federul Reservation thing what prints up all the money, just like Linden Lab do. 

JY: It’s a little different at the Fed. 

Pappy: Huh? If’n LL can make fake money, I reckon ol’ Al can ask them boys to help me out by printin’ up a few sheets of twenties.  I needs me a BAIL OUT! 

JY: What if the government doesn’t come through? American tax payers may not stomach another bail-out of this magnitude. 

Pappy: Oh, say it ain’t so! I reckons I will have to part wif these here treasures I done put out for the poltroons of the arts. 

JY: You mean "patrons"? 

Pappy: Them too. All am welkum at Pappy’s Temple o’ the Arts. 


JY: Say, isn’t that Miss Petunia Amaryllis Courtney Taliaferro’s copy of "Ponderosa Serenade"? 

Pappy: It are the star of my collectshum. Um, uh…it are on loan from her estate.  

JY: She’s not dead. 

Pappy: But she were ailin’ sum’fin fierce after that-there run in with Restrained Life. I reckon this picture are what they calls “early bequest” cause I done promised I would deliver the funeral orgies if’n she kicked the bucket. 

JY: That’s "funeral obsequies." 

Pappy: I’ll do them too, if’n the old gal dies.  

JY: Thanks for talking to the press, Pappy. I hope you get your son back. 

Pappy: I sho do, too. That lil’ feller had him an idear to beat all that am sure to make us a pile o’ fake money. 

JY: And that is? 

Pappy: They am a place over yonder called Grease, and I are an expert on that subject. I loves anything what am cooked in it. They makes a heap o’ oil and whatnot with them olives, which am damn better’n puttin’ them in citified drinks they done named for ol’ Dean Martin.  

So we am investin’ heavily in Grease.  Ya’ll come an’ get in early!

13 Responses to “First Bank of Enoch Holler Fails”

  1. Darien Caldwell

    Jun 30th, 2010

    Time to call Sheriff Rosco P. Coletrain and his Deputy Enus in.

  2. Emperor Norton hears a who?

    Jun 30th, 2010

    Pappy; two words “to big to fail”.

    Go to Phil Linden, tell him that if your bank dies you will have no choice but to sell your brain to steampunk medical science and then let Phil think about a 40 meter tall Enoch-Bot stomping threw Bay City looking for porn. Your weekly Linden subsidy check will be in the e-mail. It worked for Goldmen-Sachs in RL, so will work for you in SL.

    Remember Pappy; be a wealth creator, not a looter. Get that subsidy check!

  3. [...] are still trickling in, however, it appears that the First Bank of Enoch Holler is now in liquidation status. The owner of the bank, Pappy Enoch, has apparently become victim of [...]

  4. Pappy Enoch

    Jul 1st, 2010

    “Too big to fail!” Hoo Whee, Emp’rer Norton, I weighs 375 buck nekkid (which I are now) so I reckon we got us a slogan.

    But oh my gawd…stop a talkin’ about them Steampunk fellers who wants my brain. I cain’t sleep nites already for fear o’ them brain-wranglers comin’ for poor me.

  5. That hideous misbegotten ape! HE has the late Reginald Candlewick Portnoy’s “Ponderosa Serenade,” winner of Tepid Life’s 2008 Prokofy Neva Medal for anti-collectivist art!

    The artist killed himself by crying until he strangled to death on his own tears, when he heard that the painting had been stolen from my bespoke and stately home, Doilywood.

    I knew it was some rustic bumpkin who vandalized and burglarized my demesne. There were wrappers of moon pies and empty Nehi Grape bottles everywhere amid the wreckage.

    My legal eagle, Tertullian Blatherskate, Esq., of Blatherskate, Snopes, Gantry, and Blatherskate, will soon be hot on the trail of this barbarian who has so traumatized me.

    I shall sell this brain–what there is of it–to the dogfood plant and have my revenge!

  6. marilyn murphy

    Jul 1st, 2010

    i got banned from a gor sim for calling the leader guy the grand tuber.

  7. "Bob"

    Jul 1st, 2010

    Time to do the right thing, Pappy, and begin the Lord’s work.

    There “am” souls “what am” ripe for the picking like green lettuce.

  8. Sylauxe

    Jul 1st, 2010

    I got banned from a gor sim for taking over the slave auction as auctioneer and using the phrase “sexual chocolate” too many times.

  9. It's Unfixable

    Jul 1st, 2010

    @Marilyn – I guess he thought himself more a mover and shaker than a common tater.

  10. Farmetta Funster

    Jul 3rd, 2010

    Why, Pappy! Ah am shocked! Shorely this cain’t be true! Here ah was gonna invest mah hard earned egg money in your bank, and lookee here, people are saying the vilest things about you. Say it ain’t so, Pappy!

    Your heartbroken fan, Farmetta

  11. Pappy Enoch

    Jul 5th, 2010

    Oh woe am me, Miss Farmetta. My rotten sister am at fault, cause she found out I give her a marble instead of the glass eye she claimed I done promised her. I planned to pay them investors back as soon as I got the piggy bank from Jezz when she were drunk…

    Oh boo hoo hoo the law dawgs done catched us both and we am both in jail now…in the same dang cell and Jezz done beat the stuffin’ out o’ poor me usin’ a 2×4 wif nails in it!

    Oh cruel fake world…I are in the jailhouse now.

    Worse part am some little kid from in town wants the marble back!

    Oh boo hoo hoo.

  12. Farmetta Funster

    Jul 6th, 2010

    Dear Pappy,
    Now that yore the hoosegow, ah expect that you will be wishin’ to git some mail ‘n’ some cakes from your fans.

    Gals, ah aim to win this here competition. Meanwhile, that there Jezz will soften him up for us. Erp, I mean, leave them paws off’n yore brother, Jezz, or we’ll be waitin’ at the sally port fir ya.

  13. Pappy Enoch

    Jul 6th, 2010

    Oh ma’am yo’ kind words do warm my poor broke heart.

    I asked for a different cell but no dice. Them beatins from my rotten terrible sister continues.

    Send me a cake wif a file in it, please!

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