Jezzabel and Pappy Enoch Jailed
by Alphaville Herald on 07/07/10 at 11:38 am
Anti-Collectivist Artwork vandalized, Mount Rushmore plot uncovered
by Journey Yellowlist, Herald Legal Desk
Two recent fugitives from justice, Jezzabel and Pappy Enoch, were jailed today in the Really, Really Bad Girls Reform Facility. This prison, known for its salacious abuse of felons, has a dubious record of rehabilitation in Second Life.
I was able to gain entry through promises to the all-woman staff to introduce them to the Herald’s Post Six team. If Timothy does not come through for me, I expect to be tracked down and beaten up by Correctional Officer Frida Clubb, a 6′ tall Amazon. I can hardly wait
I interviewed the prisoners while they were with their legal counsel, Slewfoot Hadisson. Reputedly "the best dang law-dawg in Enoch Holler," Pappy claims. Hadisson showed me a somewhat ketchup-smeared diploma from the Mink and Flem Snopes School of Law. He was acting as guardian for the two-headed, infant savant Ulysses-Diomedes Enoch, former Head Broker of the now defunct First Bank of Enoch Holler.
JY: Pappy! How on earth did you end up on a woman’s prison?
Pappy: Just my luck, ol’ son! Food am bad, ‘cept for the eye-candy. These guards am my kinds o’ gals: sassy, big-boned, and mean in an interestin’ way to my rotten sister.
Jezz: Oh you go rite to hell. Yet me tell you sum’fin for the Herald, sir. This are how Pappy got in here: where it done said "sex" on the arrest form he went and checked “F.”
Pappy: Yep. I reckoned it meant WHO you likes to have sex with, you dang hellion!
Jezz: Well, you ain’t a gonna git none from me.
Pappy: Dang it, be a good sister! Didn’t I let you have that there bottom bunk?
Jezz: Oh, thanks. If’n the bed busts under yo’ fat butt, I reckon I’ll be flatter’n a griddle cake!
The brother and sister have been arguing since they’d been confined to the same cell, but Ms. Enoch was brandishing a bloody 2×4 studded with nails, which she claimed she’d gotten from the guards “after I were writ up for some rite good behavin with them gals.” She had obviously used the weapon on her brother, whose skin and only garment, a whisky barrel, showed scars of frequent melee.
doing hard time
Ulysses Enoch: Paw and auntie, both of ya’ll shut up so’s the noosepaper feller can get our sad story out! Me and Dio don’t aim to be no wards o’ the court!
JY: Exactly. What will be the basis of your defense?
Slewfoot: That there party of the first part, the aforementioned Pappy…
All Enochs: Shut up!
Slewfoot: Whereas that there party of the second part, hereafter known as Jezz…
Ulysses: Button that lip, you dang shyster! Paw and auntie pleads insanity!
Diomedes Enoch: Verily, what my brother says contains the utmost in veracity. Look upon them! Can’t you not see they are brain-addled?
Pappy: Yep (pointing at Jezz). She done drove me to drinkin’, fast women, and terrible crimes, oh boo hoo hoo, woe am me, etc!
Jezz: The hell you say! (pointing at Pappy) He done made me lose my eyeball in the roller derby. I ain’t been the same since. I got curdled and mean and turned to crime and makin’ knotty movies with fake animals and industrial equipment! Oh I are a fallen woman cause o’ that felonious brother o’ mine!
Enoch Holler’s legal eagle
The Charges:
Ms. Enoch faces charges for theft of avatar assets, kidnapping of a prim minor, driving without a fake license, and vehicular mayhem. She was apprehended in a state of drunkenness, allegedly in the act of running down newly-rezzed avatars near the Adam & Eve skin store, one of Linden Lab’s recently deployed and expensive destinations for new residents. During her apprehension Ms. Enoch assaulted several Linden Lab security officers, one of them a tiny who was trodden upon.
Mr. Enoch is being held on larceny charges related to the theft of artwork from the collection of Miss Petunia Courtney Amaryllis Taliaferro, founder of the Second Life League of Decency. Officers recovered several paintings from a leaking trailer located on abandoned land, where for several months, Mr. Enoch has been squatting without payment to Linden Lab.
Links to a Fiendish Plot?
Ponderosa Serenade vandalized: Pappy Enoch, Prokofy Neva, M Linden
Unfortunately for the art world, the painting “Ponderosa Serenade,” shown here in before-and-after shots, had been crudely vandalized by parties unknown. Since the vandals used fingerpaints and Elmer’s glue to modify the masterwork, restoration of Tepid Life 2009‘s winner of the Prokofy Neva medal for Anti-Collectivist Art may be possible.
A note, written in orange crayon, found near the vandalized artwork reads as follows:
"I gots me 500 pounds o’ that ohmommyum-nitrate so if’n you can git barrels o’ fuel oil, Prok, I reckons we can get rid of ol’ MR and put our heads up there. You wants Teddy Roosyvelt, rite? That are okay if’n I gits Abe’s head. They am a resemblance in both cases cause o’ my manly jawline."
Experts in cryptography have released their findings: a terrorist plot to blast three of the four heads from Mount Rushmore–the "MR" of the cryptic note–and to carve there instead the heads of the note writer, suspected to be Pappy Enoch, as well as Prokofy Neva and M Linden.
Attorney Slewfoot Hadisson denies that any such plot exists, though he notes “right peculiar similarities betwixt” the penmanship of the note and that found in The Silver Trumpet of Purity, a handwritten newsletter (circulation 6) that Miss Petunia C.A. Taliaferro’s organization distributes to further the mission of “exposing the benighted public to uplifting culture in this downtrodden and filth-ridden virtual world.”
“This here case, I do declare, is a labyrinth of pusillanimous and persnickety points of precedent,” Hadisson said to me out of hearing of his clients. “These here defendants, heirs to the august legal system of our great nation, merit every consideration. Whereas they are jointly worth only 34 Linden Dollars, including the clothes (and barrel) on their backs and Jezzabel’s glass eye, I’m afraid we’ll not have enough to bribe our way into a proper courtroom.”
the Enoch’s legal team
Here Diomedes, the better-spoken of prim baby-heads, chimed in. “My good sir, I’ve memorized the corpus of all legal antecedents in this case, and I can assure you,” he said as an evil gleam came into his eye, “that certain parties who pretend to adhere to high moral standards will be called to the stand so that the truth, shining like a beacon upon yon hill, shall out!”
Miss Taliaferro could not be reached for comment. Judge I.R. Shirley DeBoss, well known for his death sentences among the hillbilly-émigrés to Second Life, will be adjudicating the case as soon as a court date is set.
James Freud
Jul 7th, 2010
Less Onion, more actual news please.
Pappy Enoch
Jul 7th, 2010
Oh boo hoo hoo you got it Dr. Freud. All they gives me in the jailhouse am onions to eat so’s I are drownin’ in my own tears.
This am actual news in the fake world, Doc. I are pinin’ away an’ gettin’ the stuffin’ beat out o’ me reg’lar.
You ain’t got to be no Superego to figger out they next the law-dogs am a comin’ for the fake head-shrinkers like you…oh gloom, despair, misery, etc. Maybe I kin hire you to help with that-there insanity plea. If’n you takes tradin’ stamps, a ’76 Nova stock car (needs engine), or a somewhat used 2×4 with 16d nails in it, we’ll git you rite on the case.
It's Unfixable
Jul 7th, 2010
@James Freud – they’ve spent years twisting and torturing the truth till it begged for mercy, why do you think they’d start publishing actual news now?
Inniatzo
Jul 7th, 2010
i vote the death penalty. this gag, which I never found funny in the first place, has gone on way past its expiration date.
mr. freud mentions the onion, which raises a good point. one reason the onion is funny is that they don’t use the same joke ad nauseum. work up some variety in your comedy or, as mr. freud also mentions, try looking for actual news or items of interest.
but, i’m sure this isn’t the last we have seen of the whole pappy enoch bit. whoever is doing this clearly thinks its funny – or more likely they just can’t think of any other approach to fill space.
@it’s unfixable:
yeah, that is a good point, lol
Hylee
Jul 7th, 2010
I’m sorry, but gag has run it’s course and it’s now time to move on. With all that is happening at the Lab, I would have thought that the Herald could have come up with something a little more interesting.
hobo kelly
Jul 7th, 2010
crazy cat lady talking hand puppet: “SAVE YER WEAK ANFO BOMB CUZ MAH BELARUS SUPER CHICKENCRAP METHANE & VODKA BOMBS ARE DONE COOKIN AND READY FER EDUCATIN SOME SMUG BURGERS. YOU BEST STEP AWAY FROM THAT WALL PAPPY CUZ ENOCH FREEDOM IS A KNOCKIN”
We
Jul 7th, 2010
This was cute, but it’s getting very old. Especially when it means the Herald has been ignoring stories of actual interest in favor of posting this kind of stuff.
Pappy Enoch
Jul 7th, 2010
I wants to thank all my fans fo’ them kind words.
Pappy Enoch
Jul 7th, 2010
But sendin’ money would be even better.
Inniatzo
Jul 7th, 2010
I think sending new ideas for comedy would be best of all.
Pappy Enoch
Jul 7th, 2010
Comedy? This are my fake life. I are dead serious.
Now if’n you wants sum’fin funny, go read them-there fashionista blobs where gals get into a hissy fit over a pair o’ fake shoes o’ a new hairdoo.
Ruby Miggins
Jul 7th, 2010
Aww… c’mon. I think it’s funny. Entertaining. It’s good to be reminded that we take SL far too seriously sometimes.
Zombie Wexler
Jul 8th, 2010
Pappy Enoch, the Gallagher of the Herald. But less funny.
Inniatzo
Jul 8th, 2010
@zombie:
hah! now *that* is funny. good one zombie.
Vicar Ash
Jul 8th, 2010
Lighten up, you miserable swines. This is funny. And the 2-headed infant is a stroke of genius. Well, half a stroke possibly. Makes a change to see some imagination going on, rather than just rehashing RL behaviours, like renting homes to people etc .
Keepitup
Jul 8th, 2010
I love these stories! They are entertaining and bring a chuckle to my day. While Pappy may be an icon, I really have missed Miss Petunia Courtney Amaryllis Taliaferro’s posts! The photos staged for both Pappy and Petunia’s stories are well done.
Granted I come for the real news, but I’m never disappointed when Pappy shows up!
Inniatzo
Jul 9th, 2010
*victor ash:
the complaints here are not about “funny” vs. “rehashing rl behaviors”, its between “strained, unfunny, beaten to death attempts at comedy” vs. “try something different, and maybe more people will like it.”
if its any consolation, i am sure we will be seeing more of this pappa enoch drek. i would like to be surprised, but i suspect they will keep plowing through the same jokes over and over. if you like them, then so much the better for you
Vicar Ash
Jul 9th, 2010
Just trying to be positive, Inniatzo. This stuff makes a change from those Post Six things (where people leave miserable comments, often) and stuff about certain places and people whose names begin with either W or P (where people leave miserable comments). Actually, if the P.Enoch story were to be detached elsewhere I would probably follow it, and leave the rest of the misery behind. Thank you and I do hope your day is not miserable.
Farmetta Funster
Jul 9th, 2010
Oh, Pappy! Ah fear mah measely contribution to yore cause will only hep git yore wicked sister out of the lockup, too. Here’s mah bourbon pound cake from mah great granny’s receipt and inside it is mah nailfile. Ah’m not shore just what you will use that fer, as it is not yore groomin’ standards that have won mah heart but that there financeyer brain o’ yores. Ah shore hope yore not plannin’ on wooin’ one of them gal guards with it, but mah cuz Brunelda will fer shore let me know what you be up to in that there jailhouse. Brunelda sez that Jezz done stepped in it when she stepped on that short little occifer, so she might be outta our hair, ah mean, yore hair, fer some time.
jake
Jul 9th, 2010
lol yeah by all means let’s get back to the serious business of the hard real news about our fake world.
Pappy was framed!!
Dick Mammoth (ret.)
Jul 13th, 2010
Aww, Pappy… I’ll send ya some nice fried chicken. Mmm mmm!
JustMe
Jul 14th, 2010
Well, this was my last visit to the Herald. It stopped beeing a good news outlet a good while ago, but now even the low quality filler it has sine began running is bad.
Like anyone cares for that inbred hick Pappy Enoch and his ramblings…